Total life abandonment by WS

[billy baru]

Hi all, I've been lurking here for a while and finally decided to post my story..

 

Married for 21 years, I thought happily. We have two great kids ( 19 and 16).& my WW was a terrific mom and wife during most of that time.

 

About 5 years ago, during the economic suckiness, she had to go back to work after being off for 9 years raising the kids.

 

My jobs keep me away from home a lot., She struck up a "friendship" wth a co-worker and then the EA started about 6 months ago. She did the typical " Oh, he's just a friend" and was very upset anytime I questioned her about the relationship ( he is 21 years younger than her)

 

D-Day happened about 2 months ago when I took her phone without her knowledge and saw the texts between her and AP. I confronted her and told her that she neded to make a decsion between the family and I, or the AP. She chose the family, and I thought that we would be OK after some MC and absolutely NC with AP.

 

That lasted 7 days. She was distant and cold the week after she made the decision to stay with the family. The night before she moved out, I had told her that she didn't seem like she wanted to work on our M, and she replied that she was "trying, but it was hard". She moved out the next day to a girlfriend's house ( I was distant to her that day) and was back with the AP that night. That was 5 weeks ago.

 

She has seen our kids 3 times in that 5 weeks, and texts them about once a week if that. She's not talked to her parents or any of our friends since she moved out. It's like she's completely abandoned her life except for the AP and her girlfriend that she supposedly moved in with. She's pretty much lost all of her friendships and the kids don't even care that she contacts them or not. They hate the AP, and refuse to be around him.

 

I understand that our M is done ( I am one of those guys who will not deal with getting cheated on ), but for her to completely abandon everyone else is bizarre. I think she needs some professional help.

[jnel921]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sure that her AP will not stay. The man is 21 years younger and I am pretty sure he is not in it for the long haul.

 

When reality hits that she has a family and real responsibilities I am sure he will bolt and she will have to come back to reality. If she tries to come back I wouldn't make it easy.

 

Allow her to visit with her kids and let her stew in her mess. Right now she is still basking in the glow of her orgasms with this man. But he is not going to stay. Most younger men don't. But its her bad. She should have worked on having a happy M. Not another man.

 

Good Luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

Hopefully you've seen an attorney and are documenting everything. Maybe you'll have a shot at sole custody.

 

As jnel said, I think the affair bubble will burst eventually. Then she'll come clamoring back to her back-up plan: you and her kids. Try to be mentally prepared for it; most people aren't.

 

Good luck.

[billy baru]

I haven't done anything legal-wise yet, but I ( and others) are definitely documenting everything.

 

I'm sure that our kids will eventually forgive her, though their relationship with their mom will never be the same.

 

I sure hope that she doesn't think I'm her "backup plan". It's not going to happen. We're done.

[billy baru]

If she tries to come back I wouldn't make it easy.

Allow her to visit with her kids and let her stew in her mess.

 

She's not coming back here. She's made her decision, and now gets to live with it. I'm going to get my 16 year old through high school, and then plan the rest of my life without WS.

 

She can see the kids anytime she wants, she just has chosen not to because she can't be without the AP. They detest him and will not be around him.

[road]

Lawyer up now and file ASAP before the WW wakes up and tries to take you to the cleaners.

 

 

Do you realize that your WW can move back home tomorrow because the home is marital property even if you are renting.

[dichotomy]

This is horrible of course..but you are the rare husband and dad that gets the kids (even if only two more years) and not have your money taken and YEARS of painful games and conflict legally an money wise. All in all you got the best worst deal - horrible wife just leave and you can get on with your life. As others have said - I hope you have acted swiftly to cement this legally (her abandonment)

 

However I am sorry for your kids - to have a mom just walk away is beyond hurtful. I hope you get them counseling.

[Buckeye2]

She's not coming back here. She's made her decision, and now gets to live with it. I'm going to get my 16 year old through high school, and then plan the rest of my life without WS.

 

She can see the kids anytime she wants, she just has chosen not to because she can't be without the AP. They detest him and will not be around him.

 

 

You want to get rid of her and she wants to go.

 

She may be in the fog or not. Either way don’t wait for her to change her mind and make things difficult for you. As others have said, document and start divorce proceeding now.

[billy baru]

Lawyer up now and file ASAP before the WW wakes up and tries to take you to the cleaners.

 

 

Do you realize that your WW can move back home tomorrow because the home is marital property even if you are renting.

 

The home situation is unique, it's in a trust ( her family). They had ordered me to change the locks after they found out about her A. In order for her to move back, she would have to get permission from the current trustees ( her mom and uncle). Neither of them will allow her to. They have already cut her out of the trust and have placed my 19 year old on as the next co-trustee.

(Another reason I haven't done anything legal-wise,the ink isn't dry on all that yet). WS has already gotten a change of address out at the girlfriend's, she ain't coming back.

 

Abandonment in this state is considered one year with no attempted contact of any kind, and WS has been texting with the kids ( not very much).

 

16 year old is in IC now. I have suggested it to my oldest, but he needs to make the call on that.

[excusememister]

However I am sorry for your kids - to have a mom just walk away is beyond hurtful. I hope you get them counseling.

 

OMG! Baru, I am so sorry for you and your kids- This is HORRIBLE!

 

I have to agree with dichotomy. For a mom to walk out on her kids = Beyond hurtful and selfish. Unimaginable!!!

[billy baru]

OMG! Baru, I am so sorry for you and your kids- This is HORRIBLE!

 

I have to agree with dichotomy. For a mom to walk out on her kids = Beyond hurtful and selfish. Unimaginable!!!

 

That's the part that floors me... Walk out on me, fine. I'll be OK. But to walk out on two kids that loved their mom to the moon and back? That's a choice that she is going to regret for the rest of her life.

[Womaneyezer]

Right now she is still basking in the glow of her orgasms with this man. .

 

 

Damn, that's so true, but hilariously harsh as well.

[harrybrown]

So have you exposed the affair to her family and to yours?

 

You may want to wait on her work until the D is final.

 

Is she paying any interim child support? Does she ever realize with the age difference, that he will cheat on her and leave her? he is not in this for a long-term relationship.

 

Sorry you are going thru this hell. Sorry for your kids.

 

I do think you need to see an attorney about the kids child support and getting custody before she wakes up.

 

Her friend is not a friend of your family. You should tell her friend how this is hurting the kids. some friend.

[billy baru]

Both families and our close friends know about the A. They're amazed at how she just walked away too. Her family has essentially disowned her.

 

I'm not telling anyone at her job. If she gets fired, then she'll want to come back here. If they're causing problems at the job with their A, let that be the reason they're canned.. not from me telling anyone there.

 

She's not paid a dime for any sort of child support.. one of the many things I'm documenting, and a major reason that she would have problems getting custody down the road.

 

I'm in touch with a lawyer, but am waiting to file anything until the family trust stuff is completed for my oldest. ( at his advice) That way, what her family feels like they need to do to protect the kids, and what I am going to do will not cross paths.

 

Her "friend" knows exactly what he's doing, and doesn't care. He's only in it for the sex.( probably the first time he's gotten a steady supply). My 19 year old wants to go kick AP's a**, but I told him to just chill.. no sense going to jail for assault. Karma will come back to visit AP, no doubt. Plus, his mom made the decision to go cheat.

Edited June 6, 2014 by billy baru
clarity

[excusememister]

Karma will come back to visit AP, no doubt.

 

Karma will come back to visit the both of them -also your WW - "what goes around comes around"

[Turtles]

Both families and our close friends know about the A. They're amazed at how she just walked away too. Her family has essentially disowned her.

 

I'm not telling anyone at her job. If she gets fired, then she'll want to come back here. If they're causing problems at the job with their A, let that be the reason they're canned.. not from me telling anyone there.

 

She's not paid a dime for any sort of child support.. one of the many things I'm documenting, and a major reason that she would have problems getting custody down the road.

 

I'm in touch with a lawyer, but am waiting to file anything until the family trust stuff is completed for my oldest. ( at his advice) That way, what her family feels like they need to do to protect the kids, and what I am going to do will not cross paths.

 

Her "friend" knows exactly what he's doing, and doesn't care. He's only in it for the sex.( probably the first time he's gotten a steady supply). My 19 year old wants to go kick AP's a**, but I told him to just chill.. no sense going to jail for assault. Karma will come back to visit AP, no doubt. Plus, his mom made the decision to go cheat.

 

File ASAP (baring any legal concern - I am sure your lawyer knows what he is talking about there) while she is high on the affair fumes and has a clouded judgement. Sounds cold but should she be getting a "fair share" of the family assets, alimony, etc, when she decided to take a big old dump on the marriage?

[dichotomy]

 

She's not paid a dime for any sort of child support. one of the many things I'm documenting, and a major reason that she would have problems getting custody down the road.

 

I'm in touch with a lawyer, but am waiting to file anything until the family trust stuff is completed for my oldest. ( at his advice) That way, what her family feels like they need to do to protect the kids, and what I am going to do will not cross paths.

 

 

I only worry on timing. The change in trust documents maybe should take a week or two. Your own lawyer could have all paper work and your signitures and everything ready to file within 24 hours of your "okay do it" I worry she files first or somehow turns the tables on you.

 

Also and I now this will sound harsh - but if the trust and legal power is on HER side of the family - blood is thicker than water - and they could change their mind as well - and who the heck knows if they are talking to her - convincing her to come back and what to do legally.

 

Sorry - just paranoid.

[sweet_pea]

Well, I don't have much to add but sending you and your kids hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this, and that your kids have to suffer having their mom leave them the way she has. It all really sucks. But they are lucky to have you as a father! I hope everything works out for you!!

[jnel921]

That's the part that floors me... Walk out on me, fine. I'll be OK. But to walk out on two kids that loved their mom to the moon and back? That's a choice that she is going to regret for the rest of her life.

 

My 16 year old daughter just got me a necklace for Mother's Day that says.... Love you to the moon and back....I could never walk out on her or my son. I don't understand how a mother in particular can abandon her kids.

 

It's a shame. Thankfully you have the support of her family.

[billy baru]

I only worry on timing. The change in trust documents maybe should take a week or two. Your own lawyer could have all paper work and your signitures and everything ready to file within 24 hours of your "okay do it" I worry she files first or somehow turns the tables on you.

 

Also and I now this will sound harsh - but if the trust and legal power is on HER side of the family - blood is thicker than water - and they could change their mind as well - and who the heck knows if they are talking to her - convincing her to come back and what to do legally.

 

Sorry - just paranoid.

 

They're definitely not talking with her, she's not contacted anyone in her family for almost 6 weeks. ( she hadn't talked to her mom for 5 weeks before that, because she knows that she'd be reamed for the A)

 

The trust is already changed, it's just going through the family's lawyer now. That's the main reason my lawyer said to wait on any legal action of my own. If she files first, it doesn't change the fact that she's been replaced on the trust.

 

Nothing wrong with being paranoid, believe me I'm checking everything.

[billy baru]

My 16 year old daughter just got me a necklace for Mother's Day that says.... Love you to the moon and back....I could never walk out on her or my son. I don't understand how a mother in particular can abandon her kids.

 

It's a shame. Thankfully you have the support of her family.

 

What a great gift from your girl! I know you'll treasure it always..

 

Her family is mortified and embarassed beyond belief. They never thought she would stoop to this.

[billy baru]

File ASAP (baring any legal concern - I am sure your lawyer knows what he is talking about there) while she is high on the affair fumes and has a clouded judgement. Sounds cold but should she be getting a "fair share" of the family assets, alimony, etc, when she decided to take a big old dump on the marriage?

 

As soon as the trust documents clear, that's the plan. And, no.. she shouldn't be getting a "fair share" of anything.

[beatcuff]

OP, sorry to hear about your situation.

 

you should consider moving this thread to separation/divorce. they will offer some very good advice on moving forward with your life.

 

see an attorney NOW. just because you go does not mean the paperwork as to be filed tomorrow. rather you will get advice on your rights and obligations that will benefit you. ESPECIALLY when it comes to her right to reenter the family home. ONLY a local attorney can tell you whether this trust rewrite means anything. hint: in some states if her name WAS on the original document she is entitled to enter HER home.

 

running around 'telling all' about her A may be looked at negatively by the courts (again the attorney is your guide).

 

next see a MC. I know your W is not attending but it will help you sort out your feelings AND how to deal with your children's reaction/feelings. this is no time to 'go it alone'. an MC is more familar with this than a IC.

 

it's been hinted at by others --- i seriously expect W will be at your door step at some point in the near future. the above will go a long way to helping you with this.

 

good luck.

[drifter777]

D-day for me was my wife telling me she found someone else and I had to move out right now. Nothing close to your situation regarding the kids, but the shock is probably similar. My wife realized (or so she says) that she didn't love the OM and wanted me back after 3 weeks. Like a fool, I came back - but that is a different story. If your wife comes back begging for another chance be sure to take the time to consider whether you think you can ever look at her and not see a cheater before you consider reconciliation.

 

I'm not sure what you are looking for here. Pretty much everyone on here will support your decision to file divorce papers. As far as your teenagers, they will never forget what she has done to them, to you, and to the family. She may have destroyed her relationship with them forever.

 

It seems as though your WW might have decided she needs a new life and has gone out and gotten one. Turning your back on your spouse is one thing - and I can understand how that might happen - but walking away from your children mystifies me completely. Has she gotten into drugs? Would you know if she is using? Does she have a mental illness? A life change this radical seems as though it is fueled by dope or crazy. Just a thought...

[janedoe67]

Both families and our close friends know about the A. They're amazed at how she just walked away too. Her family has essentially disowned her.

 

I'm not telling anyone at her job. If she gets fired, then she'll want to come back here. If they're causing problems at the job with their A, let that be the reason they're canned.. not from me telling anyone there.

 

She's not paid a dime for any sort of child support.. one of the many things I'm documenting, and a major reason that she would have problems getting custody down the road.

 

I'm in touch with a lawyer, but am waiting to file anything until the family trust stuff is completed for my oldest. ( at his advice) That way, what her family feels like they need to do to protect the kids, and what I am going to do will not cross paths.

 

Her "friend" knows exactly what he's doing, and doesn't care. He's only in it for the sex.( probably the first time he's gotten a steady supply). My 19 year old wants to go kick AP's a**, but I told him to just chill.. no sense going to jail for assault. Karma will come back to visit AP, no doubt. Plus, his mom made the decision to go cheat.

 

You sound like a smart man who knows how to think with his brain instead of his emotions.