Total life abandonment by WS

[billy baru]

OP, sorry to hear about your situation.

 

you should consider moving this thread to separation/divorce. they will offer some very good advice on moving forward with your life.

 

see an attorney NOW. just because you go does not mean the paperwork as to be filed tomorrow. rather you will get advice on your rights and obligations that will benefit you. ESPECIALLY when it comes to her right to reenter the family home. ONLY a local attorney can tell you whether this trust rewrite means anything. hint: in some states if her name WAS on the original document she is entitled to enter HER home.

 

running around 'telling all' about her A may be looked at negatively by the courts (again the attorney is your guide).

 

next see a MC. I know your W is not attending but it will help you sort out your feelings AND how to deal with your children's reaction/feelings. this is no time to 'go it alone'. an MC is more familar with this than a IC.

 

it's been hinted at by others --- i seriously expect W will be at your door step at some point in the near future. the above will go a long way to helping you with this.

 

good luck.

 

Definitely have talked with my lawyer, and stuff is ready to go. We're just waiting on the trust documents. According to him, and to the family's lawyer that is doing the change of trust documents, she has to have the permission of the trustees ( her mom and uncle) in order to move back in the house. That's not going to happen with her still banging the AP.

 

I haven't "told all" about her A, just the families and our close friends. Nobody else knows.

 

If WS shows up at the door, she'll be told to call the trustees of the house. I cannot let her in without their OK. ( They would ask me for my permission, which would be a big NO)

 

I've not gone to formal MC, but have talked with my old pastor and have gotten some great advice about moving forward. I plan on keeping that line of communication open.

[billy baru]

D-day for me was my wife telling me she found someone else and I had to move out right now. Nothing close to your situation regarding the kids, but the shock is probably similar. My wife realized (or so she says) that she didn't love the OM and wanted me back after 3 weeks. Like a fool, I came back - but that is a different story. If your wife comes back begging for another chance be sure to take the time to consider whether you think you can ever look at her and not see a cheater before you consider reconciliation.

 

I'm not sure what you are looking for here. Pretty much everyone on here will support your decision to file divorce papers. As far as your teenagers, they will never forget what she has done to them, to you, and to the family. She may have destroyed her relationship with them forever.

 

It seems as though your WW might have decided she needs a new life and has gone out and gotten one. Turning your back on your spouse is one thing - and I can understand how that might happen - but walking away from your children mystifies me completely. Has she gotten into drugs? Would you know if she is using? Does she have a mental illness? A life change this radical seems as though it is fueled by dope or crazy. Just a thought...

 

drifter, sorry about your pain man. That is even worse than what I'm going through right now.

 

I think the main reason I posted in this forum rather than the divorce one is because the WS's infidelity is still happening. I might ask William to move it later on.

 

I doubt that WS is going to come back looking for another chance, she made the decision to go with AP. She's happy. Plus, she knows that I don't put up with cheating, so she's out.

 

Yeah, her blowing everyone off ( kids, familiy, close friends, etc.) and only communicating with the AP and her girlfriend blows my mind ( Another reason I decided to tell my story, to see if anyone else had ever heard of someone just nuking their life like that). I know she's heavily into alcohol ( 2-3 bottles of vodka a week), but I don't think she's on drugs. Mental problems? I'd say so. No "normal" person abandons their life like this, and then torchs every bridge.

[drifter777]

drifter, sorry about your pain man. That is even worse than what I'm going through right now.

 

I think the main reason I posted in this forum rather than the divorce one is because the WS's infidelity is still happening. I might ask William to move it later on.

 

I doubt that WS is going to come back looking for another chance, she made the decision to go with AP. She's happy. Plus, she knows that I don't put up with cheating, so she's out.

 

Yeah, her blowing everyone off ( kids, familiy, close friends, etc.) and only communicating with the AP and her girlfriend blows my mind ( Another reason I decided to tell my story, to see if anyone else had ever heard of someone just nuking their life like that). I know she's heavily into alcohol ( 2-3 bottles of vodka a week), but I don't think she's on drugs. Mental problems? I'd say so. No "normal" person abandons their life like this, and then torchs every bridge.

Your whole situation is very sad, but the addiction and crazy thing makes it so much worse. Everything you see right now is going to change over the next couple of months - believe that. Start IC. Stay in close contact with your lawyer. Consider family counseling for you and your kids because you all need it. Kids ALWAYS find a way to blame themselves for things like this and it often times takes a professional to help them understand its not their fault.

 

You seem to be handling all of this very "professionally" and that worries me. The emotional component of this will torture you forever unless you face it head on. You need a counselor to help you get through this and I hope you will take my advice on this.

[billy baru]

Your whole situation is very sad, but the addiction and crazy thing makes it so much worse. Everything you see right now is going to change over the next couple of months - believe that. Start IC. Stay in close contact with your lawyer. Consider family counseling for you and your kids because you all need it. Kids ALWAYS find a way to blame themselves for things like this and it often times takes a professional to help them understand its not their fault.

 

You seem to be handling all of this very "professionally" and that worries me. The emotional component of this will torture you forever unless you face it head on. You need a counselor to help you get through this and I hope you will take my advice on this.

 

I have the 16 year old in IC right now, will probably consider some FC in the next few weeks.

 

Believe me drifter, I've cried my eyes out about the loss of 21 years together and the ultimate betrayal of the one that I thought would never ever do that to me. There are nights where I can't sleep, or sleep a little bit. Her A is the first thing on my mind in the morning and usually the last thing i think about at night. That being said, I know where my limits are, and cheating is over the line. I've also been dealing with this for a few months, and after D Day, knowing what was going to have to happen ( D), I've basically made my peace with it. It sucks, and it'll be a long freaking time before I can ever put my trust in another woman, but that is how life goes sometimes. I do know that there is not a chance that I would ever be able to look at her and not think "cheater". That's why R isn't even a choice.

[Jonah]

. I know she's heavily into alcohol ( 2-3 bottles of vodka a week)' date=' but I don't think she's on drugs. Mental problems? I'd say so. No "normal" person abandons their life like this, and then torchs every bridge.[/quote']

 

now we know the rest of the story. No way she got to 3 bottles of vodka a week without your enabling Mr. H. But to answer your question: is it normal for an alcoholic to run off? an alcoholic is not normal. Nor are those that enable such behavior. Forget about your wife. You lost her fair and square. And for those that suggest ic, I wholeheartedly agree. You need to find out why you let her addiction get so far out of hand.

 

Why didn't you say this in the beginning? Its all so clear now. Can you not see?

[billy baru]

now we know the rest of the story. No way she got to 3 bottles of vodka a week without your enabling Mr. H. But to answer your question: is it normal for an alcoholic to run off? an alcoholic is not normal. Nor are those that enable such behavior. Forget about your wife. You lost her fair and square. And for those that suggest ic, I wholeheartedly agree. You need to find out why you let her addiction get so far out of hand.

 

Why didn't you say this in the beginning? Its all so clear now. Can you not see?

 

LOL. Great post Jonah, Paul Harvey would be proud of your usage of his catch phrase.

 

The heavy drinking started after she left. So no "enabling" was done here.

 

Forget about her? I'm in the process of doing that. And she lost me, and her kids.. and her family.. and her friends.

 

I can see clearly.

[notserene]

now we know the rest of the story. No way she got to 3 bottles of vodka a week without your enabling Mr. H. But to answer your question: is it normal for an alcoholic to run off? an alcoholic is not normal. Nor are those that enable such behavior. Forget about your wife. You lost her fair and square. And for those that suggest ic, I wholeheartedly agree. You need to find out why you let her addiction get so far out of hand.

 

Why didn't you say this in the beginning? Its all so clear now. Can you not see?

 

 

Why would OP be culpable for "letting" her addiction get so out of hand? Besides, he says drinking was not an issue for her until recently.

 

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I will never understand people who throw their lives away chasing a "spark" or "butterflies."

[tom670]

 

Why would OP be culpable for "letting" her addiction get so out of hand? Besides, he says drinking was not an issue for her until recently.

 

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I will never understand people who throw their lives away chasing a "spark" or "butterflies."

 

She is saucing it up because she doesn't want to think about the guilt jmo.

[billy baru]

She is saucing it up because she doesn't want to think about the guilt jmo.

 

That's an opinion shared by a lot of folks that know WS.

[fellini]

Classic EXIT AFFAIR.

 

The marriage, from her perspective was over a long time ago. She probably wondered what took you so long to figure out the A existed. But either way, she was not going to be the one to kick herself out of her marriage. But NEVER was she going to give up the AP for you.

 

I've been there. It's heavy stuff. But even with that decision, on DDay, my WS faked that she made the decision to stay (just like yours) for the same reasons. But in my case she actually dumped the AP and within some months woke up to what she had done, and looking at what she almost gave up. I think the fact that our daughter was 9, not a teenager, made it more difficult to just walk away. But once the A was kicked, she learned she had made the right decision (although initially for the wrong reason). So the original decision to stay was just PANIC, but this eventually turned into a desire to take the entire marriage into account, whereas in your case, this never happened. Probably because she never ever went NC, thus intensifying even more the desire to leave.

 

I have read the two volumes of Michelle Langley's "Women's Infidelity" and if you ever feel the need to understand what was going on with her, I think based on your story, you would get what you need in those texts. If you just visit her website, in 5 minutes you'll understand the process from marriage to separation that you are currently seeing in her is pretty much classic. Even the part about abandoning "the kids".

 

The thing about EXIT AFFAIRS is that the AP is not necessarily the best person for the WS to end up with. IT can work, but usually it does not, because the AP wasn't into the A for that purpose. But no one can explain chemistry or why two people do things they don't really want to do, so just look at that as the AP's problem now.

[billy baru]

Thanks fellini, that makes total sense. She would never admit to having an EA with AP, got very mad when I (or anyone else) used that term. She always insisted that it was only a "close friendship".

 

I'll have to look into that book. It would be nice to be able to explain to my kids a little of why their mom went psycho.

 

And she is definitely the AP's problem now.

[2.50 a gallon]

This sounds like it could be a mid-life crisis. I have seen it several times, from both sexes.

Prepare yourself, as she might see the light and want to come back. I have seen that several times also.

The reason I say prepare yourself, as about a month after I caught my Ex cheating and kicked her out. She too moved in with the OM. She had a change of heart and desperately wanted to reconcile. I was hurting badly and all I had to do was say "OK" and a lot of that hurt would have disappeared. But, I knew I could never totally trust her again and our marriage was over. Having to say "No" hurt me worse

Also, there is a good chance that your kids will never totally forgive her. I too have seen this several times. They will place all of the blame of the break up of the family on your Ex and totally cut her out of their lives.

My Ex BIL cheated on my sister, and both of my nieces have cut him out of their lives. When the younger sister married, her husband, being a goo Christian insisted that they invited her father to the wedding. At the wedding I had to introduce my Ex BIL to his now 17 year old grand son and his 13 year old grand daughter. He knew nothing about their lives.

That was 5 years ago and they have not seen him since.

This is not a unique situation as I have seen this many times.

[billy baru]

I think that WS knows that there's no chance that she could ever come back, that could be part of the reason that she barely contacts the kids. She knew the M was over when she hooked up again with the AP. Like fellini noted above though, she's likely to have been done with everything a while back. This just made it "official", I guess.

 

I've told both of my children that she's still their mom, and someday she's going to wake up and see the total destruction she has caused. They're going to need to be there for her. I hope they are, though it would take a lot of forgiveness from both of them.

[Charlie Harper]

First I am sorry for your situation, but there may come a day where she will come back after seeing her mistake and the systematic destroying of her life that..she will be in a very precarious state. The fact that she is drinking heavily MEANS A LOT, in my view its not only her A, its a life crisis and a very heavy stuff to process ..some people hang on and try to be strong and go against the flow all their lives , and the something comes along and they do impossible things to fathom, after a very "virtuose life".

 

BE aware of that, and see how it pans out because in the future your kids might need her, and if they see its a black and white situation (all or nothing), they might cut her off forever (not that she doesn't deserve to), but leave the small possibility to keep some kind of relationship if in the future she or your kids want to.

 

just My opinion

[billy baru]

It is a black or white situation Charlie, at least for me. She broke her vows. I do not wish to remain in a M with her. No gray areas.

 

I know that if she wakes up one day, realizes how she has nuked her life and then begins asking for forgiveness from the kids, the families, and our friends, she may be able to rebuild some of that.

 

As far as WS and I are concerned, "co-parent" is the best relationship that we'll ever have.

[billy baru]

And where the booze is concerned, I'll have to clarify what I posted earlier. I have a buddy that works in the liquor store she goes to. He said that she's buying a bottle of vodka at least twice and sometimes three times a week, and she looks like cr**. I made the assumption that she's drinking it. Maybe she's washing her hair with it instead.

Edited June 7, 2014 by billy baru
probably shouldn't curse.

[drifter777]

It is a black or white situation Charlie, at least for me. She broke her vows. I do not wish to remain in a M with her. No gray areas.

 

I know that if she wakes up one day, realizes how she has nuked her life and then begins asking for forgiveness from the kids, the families, and our friends, she may be able to rebuild some of that.

 

As far as WS and I are concerned, "co-parent" is the best relationship that we'll ever have.

Your kids are basically grown up so you will never have to "co-parent" with her - and thank God for that! If your kids were still young the things you are going through would be 10x harder. Really - thank God they are grown.

[drifter777]

now we know the rest of the story. No way she got to 3 bottles of vodka a week without your enabling Mr. H. But to answer your question: is it normal for an alcoholic to run off? an alcoholic is not normal. Nor are those that enable such behavior. Forget about your wife. You lost her fair and square. And for those that suggest ic, I wholeheartedly agree. You need to find out why you let her addiction get so far out of hand.

 

Why didn't you say this in the beginning? Its all so clear now. Can you not see?

This is the most ignorant post I've read here in months.

[billy baru]

Your kids are basically grown up so you will never have to "co-parent" with her - and thank God for that! If your kids were still young the things you are going through would be 10x harder. Really - thank God they are grown.

 

 

I still have to get the 16 year old through 2 more school years..if WS continues to blow her off, then yeah, no co-parenting. If her AP decides that he's getting tired of banging someone old enough to be his mother, then I'm sure that she'll resurface in my daughter's life.

 

19 year old won't even respond to her anymore. That's the true tragedy here.

[jellybean89]

now we know the rest of the story. No way she got to 3 bottles of vodka a week without your enabling Mr. H. But to answer your question: is it normal for an alcoholic to run off? an alcoholic is not normal. Nor are those that enable such behavior. Forget about your wife. You lost her fair and square. And for those that suggest ic, I wholeheartedly agree. You need to find out why you let her addiction get so far out of hand.

 

Why didn't you say this in the beginning? Its all so clear now. Can you not see?

 

Are you kidding?

 

He can't control anyone but himself. Her alcohol abuse, if that is happening, is on HER, not him. Wow...blaming someone else for a grown adults choice to drink. Wow.

 

OP, you seem to have all your bases covered. I'm so sorry she chose to walk away from her kids.

[fellini]

I still have to get the 16 year old through 2 more school years..if WS continues to blow her off, then yeah, no co-parenting. If her AP decides that he's getting tired of banging someone old enough to be his mother, then I'm sure that she'll resurface in my daughter's life.

 

19 year old won't even respond to her anymore. That's the true tragedy here.

 

Depends on where you are. 16 years old in many jurisdictions that rule over family essentially means that although you are involved in your child's life decisions, you don't get to make them.

 

I know from being a teacher in a highschool, for example, that we were forbidden to take phone calls from parents of our students who had reached 16 years of age. And just as importantly, the report card was not to be sent to the parent, but to the child, and teachers were not allowed to sit down with any parent of a student of 16 without that student having asked for that sit down for Parent teacher night. Parent's of a 16 year old are permitted to ask them to leave if they wish, in some places.

 

It seems to me that legally what you have is a complicit relationship with your child, and this is all you need, and all your child needs from you. The research I have seen argues that the older the children, the more traumatic the impact of infidelity and it's onslaught has. Which makes the argument staying for the "children" a non issue, but people nonetheless like to use it as a crutch for support.

 

No question your relationship with your children will be more secure based on their feeling safe being with you, your being able to provide stability in their lives, with or without their mother. They have seen how one of their parents can fly off the page, they are surely both counting on you, and needing your level headedness and solid support to always be there for them.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 8, 2014 by fellini

[TheBladeRunner]

I have the 16 year old in IC right now, will probably consider some FC in the next few weeks.

 

Believe me drifter, I've cried my eyes out about the loss of 21 years together and the ultimate betrayal of the one that I thought would never ever do that to me. There are nights where I can't sleep, or sleep a little bit. Her A is the first thing on my mind in the morning and usually the last thing i think about at night. That being said, I know where my limits are, and cheating is over the line. I've also been dealing with this for a few months, and after D Day, knowing what was going to have to happen ( D), I've basically made my peace with it. It sucks, and it'll be a long freaking time before I can ever put my trust in another woman, but that is how life goes sometimes. I do know that there is not a chance that I would ever be able to look at her and not think "cheater". That's why R isn't even a choice.

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. I feel the same way (in bold). I had my DDay in Aug. of 2012 and filed within a few days of finding out, here in my state if I were to have left before a custody agreement my XW could have kept me from seeing my daughter for months. I moved out as soon as I could.

 

I was the same way though; my first wife was a cheater as well. With my last W that was the one thing I asked her not to do. I had numerous opportunities to R but like yourself, there was NO WAY I could ever see past what she does.

 

I have seen some talk about "what comes around, goes around"; rest assured OP, this is true. I am 47 and have several female friends that have been involved with MUCH younger men, and you guessed it, it never seems to pan out. She'll get hers in the end.

[oldshirt]

 

 

( Another reason I decided to tell my story, to see if anyone else had ever heard of someone just nuking their life like that).

.

 

 

 

Look up the term - " Walk-Away Wife Syndrome" It's quite well documented.

[bubbaganoosh]

So he's 21 years younger. You haven't said how old you, your wife or this guy is but if he's 21 years younger, it won't be long before he sees that he can do better than mess around with a woman whose old enough to be his mother and some day a woman his age is going to give him the high sign and I doubt very much if he's going to stick around with a woman whose better days have passed (no offense to you) but lets face it. Something younger, prettier, firmer comes swinging along he's going to find a new pasture to graze and she's going to be stuck with no family and a bunch of empty vodka bottles and for what. Some cheap sex and a thrill.

[billy baru]

Depends on where you are. 16 years old in many jurisdictions that rule over family essentially means that although you are involved in your child's life decisions, you don't get to make them.

 

It seems to me that legally what you have is a complicit relationship with your child, and this is all you need, and all your child needs from you. The research I have seen argues that the older the children, the more traumatic the impact of infidelity and it's onslaught has.

 

No question your relationship with your children will be more secure based on their feeling safe being with you, your being able to provide stability in their lives, with or without their mother. They have seen how one of their parents can fly off the page, they are surely both counting on you, and needing your level headedness and solid support to always be there for them.

 

Age of majority here is 18. Parents are completely responsible for their children's actions until that have, unless they become emancipated.

 

I'm going for sole custody when I file. The WS can visit her if she wants, but there needs to be a responsible adult making the decisions ( my MIL's words, imagine that), and WS is not that person. I'm hoping that IC and FC will help both kids through all of this.

 

I've always had a close relationship with my kids, this has made it even stronger. They know that Dad's got their backs... and they've got his.