You girls should never have problem finding a BF

[somedude81]

But you wouldn't want the damaged or doormat type of girl that gravitates toward those guys, no matter how hot or boob endowed. So be glad they're being taken out of your potential pool by these dudes.

 

Ignore those couples, and emulate what you see going on in happy, healthy relationships.

 

I really don't know if I'd want them or not.

 

It's hard enough to find a girl willing to date me. I don't want to filter out potential girlfriends because they have poor self-esteem.

 

A part of me feels that if I treat a damaged girl with love, respect, and kindness; then she'll be OK in a relationship with me. She just needs a decent guy.

[Under The Radar]

I really don't know if I'd want them or not.

 

It's hard enough to find a girl willing to date me. I don't want to filter out potential girlfriends because they have poor self-esteem.

 

A part of me feels that if I treat a damaged girl with love, respect, and kindness; then she'll be OK in a relationship with me. She just needs a decent guy.

 

 

 

You don't want a broken girl ...... trust me.

 

 

Please don't spend the rest of your thirties learning that valuable lesson.

 

 

Learn that lesson from us Loveshackers ...... without exploring a literal hot mess.

[clia]

Those things should be the base requirement for a BF.

 

And it's really frustrating when guys who are abusive, manipulating and rude do have girlfriends.

 

It's also frustrating when women who are abusive, manipulating and rude have really nice, cool guys for boyfriends.

[hasaquestion]

I really don't know if I'd want them or not.

 

It's hard enough to find a girl willing to date me. I don't want to filter out potential girlfriends because they have poor self-esteem.

 

A part of me feels that if I treat a damaged girl with love, respect, and kindness; then she'll be OK in a relationship with me. She just needs a decent guy.

 

If a "damaged girl" chooses to date you, why would you expect them to want to be with you when they are no longer "damaged"? They were interested when there was something wrong with them. Its a bad idea, if you're serious about the LTR go for people who know what they want.

 

Honestly Somedude are you sure you really want a serious relationship? Why is that specifically what you want and not just a fling?

[somedude81]

You don't want a broken girl ...... trust me.

 

 

Please don't spend the rest of your thirties learning that valuable lesson.

 

 

Learn that lesson from us Loveshackers ...... without exploring a literal hot mess.

 

I can't learn life lessons by watching and reading about other peoples stories. It just doesn't work for me.

 

I'm not seeking out broken girls, but I'm not going to filer out one who happens to like me. I'd need to experience it for myself at least once.

[somedude81]

If a "damaged girl" chooses to date you, why would you expect them to want to be with you when they are no longer "damaged"? They were interested when there was something wrong with them. Its a bad idea, if you're serious about the LTR go for people who know what they want.

 

Because I'm assuming that they would want to be with me regardless if they were "damaged" or not.

 

My choice of women and who I am interested in does not change depending on if I'm feeling depressed or not.

Honestly Somedude are you sure you really want a serious relationship? Why is that specifically what you want and not just a fling?

Why are you asking me that question?

 

When have I ever said that I just want a fling?

 

My relationship with my ex turned into a six month fling and I was extremely upset about that.

[GoodOnPaper]

Do you guys think that just because a guy is not abusive, filthy and / or obese, a girl should be happy to have him for her boyfriend?

 

You know … she has to LIKE him, too. A lot.

 

Those things should be the base requirement for a BF.

 

And it's really frustrating when guys who are abusive, manipulating and rude do have girlfriends.

 

It IS frustrating, but it's a fact that in our culture, the personality qualities that lead to being abusive, manipulating, and rude also generate emotional excitement. At the instinctive, raw-attraction level, most of us don't care whether this excitement comes from "good" or "bad" sources. Being respectful, responsible, etc. just doesn't generate this sort of excitement, so we get no credit for it.

[hasaquestion]

Because I'm assuming that they would want to be with me regardless if they were "damaged" or not.

 

My choice of women and who I am interested in does not change depending on if I'm feeling depressed or not.

 

But that's not realistic. When you change, what you want changes. When someone has baggage they seek out a partner who, in that state, makes them feel better. Once they are no longer in that state, and don't need the pickup from the other person, they might leave.

 

More generally, when you change, what you want changes. When I was 10 my idea of a fun night was going to the rollerskate palace, skating around alone, then eating pizza and globs of corn syrup. Now it isn't.

 

Why are you asking me that question?

 

When have I ever said that I just want a fling?

 

My relationship with my ex turned into a six month fling and I was extremely upset about that.

 

Here's the thing - EVERY relationship is a fling at first. Perhaps instead of going into the whole thing "looking for a long term relationship" you'd be better off relaxing and if something gets serious it gets serious.

[hasaquestion]

It IS frustrating, but it's a fact that in our culture, the personality qualities that lead to being abusive, manipulating, and rude also generate emotional excitement. At the instinctive, raw-attraction level, most of us don't care whether this excitement comes from "good" or "bad" sources. Being respectful, responsible, etc. just doesn't generate this sort of excitement, so we get no credit for it.

 

 

I disagree wholeheartedly with this sentiment.

 

Being physically attractive has no correlation with "good" or "bad". Having social status has no correlation with "good" or "bad". Being funny has no correlation with "good" or "bad". Neither does confidence. The reality is that most guys who do well with women aren't any more likely to be "jerks", they're just a bit more bold and its easy to hate on people who are visible and who have options (and thus the opportunity to make mistakes).

 

Even if you say 1/3 of the men with girlfriends/wives out there are a**holes.... 1/3 of the men without girlfriends are a**holes too. And 1/3 of the women out there both single and attached are ***holes. That's more of a reflection of the fact that people can be ***holes.

Edited June 12, 2014 by hasaquestion

[normal person]

I really don't know if I'd want them or not.

 

It's hard enough to find a girl willing to date me. I don't want to filter out potential girlfriends because they have poor self-esteem.

 

You should though, because someone who isn't equipped for something like that isn't going to benefit you. It could potentially just waste your time and cause you problems. It's like saying

 

"It's hard enough to find food, I don't want to filter out the poisonous berries just because they're harmful."

 

A part of me feels that if I treat a damaged girl with love, respect, and kindness; then she'll be OK in a relationship with me. She just needs a decent guy.

 

I'm sure you have good intentions, but you're not a psychologist (I don't think). People with deep-rooted issues aren't so because they've been devoid of a quick fix magic antidote of respect and kindness. There are lots of layers of complexity to these sorts of things. Just "meeting a decent guy" isn't going to make it all go away.

[somedude81]

Is a woman with low self-esteem really a poisonous berry?

[hasaquestion]

Is a woman with low self-esteem really a poisonous berry?

 

Yep. And it goes both ways. Dating someone with self-esteem issues is dangerous. You're gambling that 1. they fix their issues, 2. you still like them afterwards, and 3. they still like you afterwards. Bad odds. Go for a woman who knows what they want. Or relax on the LTR thing and go after the girl who doesn't.

[Under The Radar]

Is a woman with low self-esteem really a poisonous berry?

 

 

 

Yes ......

 

 

What you are asking for is why many of us end up on Loveshack in the first place.

 

 

You came here for support because you never had a girlfriend. You wanted advice on how to get one and to vent about inexperience, dating failure, and loneliness (I'm not judging you for this).

 

 

A lot of people here had nasty divorces, abusive relationships, or failed first loves ...... as a result they arrive with more baggage than they had before.

 

 

Yes, you have more experience now than you did a year ago, but there is additional baggage that came with the end of your 6 month relationship ...... as evidenced by your "How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you" thread.

 

 

As a notable poster on here is fond of saying: Hurt people, hurt people.

 

 

Why would you want to experience that firsthand to understand it's not good for you? Even if you are not the pursuer of such chaos, but simply accept it because the girl is attractive, it's terribly self destructive. Trust me, it's better to be single than in a dysfunctional relationship ...... not matter how hot the girl is.

 

 

I speak from experience ...... and yes ...... the girl was super hot, the sex was epic, and she was crazy.

 

 

It wasn't worth it ......

 

 

...... Did I mention the sex was ****ing epic?

 

 

Jesus, I'm digressing here because of awesome ...... mind blowing ...... sex.

 

 

*UTR recomposes himself and focuses on the task at hand*

 

 

Like I was saying, I don't mind being used for sex ...... Wait a second ......

 

 

*UTR slaps himself hard in the face and splashes his face with cold water several times*

 

 

Ok, I'm back ...... composed ...... and pretty sure I'm focused again .

 

 

Seriously though, I don't need to experience walking off a 10 story roof to know it's a really bad idea. Don't be foolish enough to accept a destructive relationship just because the girl is gorgeous.

 

 

Learning that lesson the hard way will just escalate your baggage and keeping you posting here without making progress. You said a wife and child are goals of your ...... Do you honestly think at 32 you have time to learn that lesson the hard way? I assure you the answer to that question is no. Worst case scenario you end up divorced and now have even MORE baggage.

 

 

What's the old saying: A smart person learns from their own mistakes ...... a wise person learns from the mistakes of others.

 

 

Be wise SD.

[Haydn]

Yes and the fact you need to online date to meet someone means your chat up skills are minimal in `real life` No offence. Just doing research.

 

True. I've never had a problem finding a boyfriend. It's great to attract intelligent, fit, respectful, positive men. I was on Match for barely 2 weeks and met 3 super guys...including my boyfriend...he's my dream.

 

Some men can attract women and some just never seem to get it. These types of threads are proof of the latter.

[somedude81]

Seriously though, I don't need to experience walking off a 10 story roof to know it's a really bad idea. Don't be foolish enough to accept a destructive relationship just because the girl is gorgeous.

Of course I don't need to experience that. Virtually every animal on Earth knows it's a bad idea to fall down edges from heights that can kill them. It is a natural instinct. It's the same thing as avoiding fire because animals just know it's dangerous.

 

Avoiding a damaged woman is not a natural response. It is something that must be experienced and learned.

 

It's the same thing for women and bad boys. Every girl knows that they shouldn't date bad boys and that those guys are really bad for them etc. But it's a process that tons and tons of women go through.

 

Somethings in life you just need to experience for yourself.

 

You came here for support because you never had a girlfriend. You wanted advice on how to get one and to vent about inexperience, dating failure, and loneliness (I'm not judging you for this).

 

Yup, that's exactly why I came to this forum and continued to post here. The forum was also essential in helping me get my first girlfriend and also helpful in dealing with her loss.

 

Why would you want to experience that firsthand to understand it's not good for you? Even if you are not the pursuer of such chaos, but simply accept it because the girl is attractive, it's terribly self destructive. Trust me, it's better to be single than in a dysfunctional relationship ...... not matter how hot the girl is.

 

 

I speak from experience ...... and yes ...... the girl was super hot, the sex was epic, and she was crazy.

 

 

It wasn't worth it ......

 

 

...... Did I mention the sex was ****ing epic?

 

 

Jesus, I'm digressing here because of awesome ...... mind blowing ...... sex.

 

 

*UTR recomposes himself and focuses on the task at hand*

 

 

Like I was saying, I don't mind being used for sex ...... Wait a second ......

 

 

*UTR slaps himself hard in the face and splashes his face with cold water several times*

Ha ha!

 

I hope you do realize that you pretty much convinced to find a hot crazy girl

 

My ex was very emotionally stable, had a good level of self-esteem but she was fairly inhibited in bed.

 

So damn right I want to know what crazy sex is like.

 

 

 

Learning that lesson the hard way will just escalate your baggage and keeping you posting here without making progress. You said a wife and child are goals of your ...... Do you honestly think at 32 you have time to learn that lesson the hard way? I assure you the answer to that question is no. Worst case scenario you end up divorced and now have even MORE baggage.

Who says I'm going to marry her?

 

Why can't I date a damaged woman for year, then realize that she's just not for me, no matter how great the sex is and then end it with her?

 

As for me being too old to have time to learn things the hard way, that's total bull sh*t.

 

What I need right now more than everything is life experience. I will not pass up opportunities to gain life experience because there is a chance things will go wrong.

 

If I had the opportunity to redo my past with my ex, knowing that the relationship will fall apart at six months, I'd still go through with it. I gained way too much from being with her to wish it never happened.

[Targetlock]

Or like some of us never had any real good opportunities to meet people?

 

and my self-esteem is quite low because of my lack of success in the dating game and i like to think it wouldn't be an issue any more some times i feel like a puzzle with a few pieces missing or something. yes I do agree poor self-esteem can be a turn off so i try and keep my shield up as much as i can and focus on the positives in my life to give me confidence.

[Under The Radar]

I want to clarify that people with low self-esteem are *NOT* unworthy of dating or relationships ...... we all suffer from doubts, insecurities, and baggage at times.

 

 

I was referring to the dysfunctional, manipulative, broken women SD said he'd explore a relationship with if the occasion arose :/

 

 

...... and NO ...... the hot, crazy, uninhibited sex ...... is NOT worth it .

[somedude81]

I want to clarify that people with low self-esteem are *NOT* unworthy of dating or relationships ...... we all suffer from doubts, insecurities, and baggage at times.

Yet that was the impression I thought you were talking about.

 

One reason I was arguing against you is that I myself have poor self-esteem and I believe that I should not be avoided as a potential boyfriend because of that.

 

I was referring to the dysfunctional, manipulative, broken women SD said he'd explore a relationship with if the occasion arose :/

I was not talking about a dysfunctional or manipulative woman.

 

Just a woman that has poor self-esteem and may have dated a few bad apples that had an impact on her life.

 

...... and NO ...... the hot, crazy, uninhibited sex ...... is NOT worth it .

 

Still want to find out for myself

[Phoe]

I think most men are really flexible when it comes to the weight of a woman, and even more so when it comes to height.

 

I've not personally experienced this flexibility.

 

 

I've had men tell me I'm too tall. I've had men call me chunky (??)

[somedude81]

I've not personally experienced this flexibility.

 

 

I've had men tell me I'm too tall.

From what I've read and seen, it seems that oddly enough, taller men are more picky about height than shorter guys are.

 

The reason being is that the tall guys want to feel that they can protect and dominate their woman. They want to feel extra masculine and being able to throw her around and stuff. That's why guys who are 6'0 may prefer women that are 5'2.

 

Though as a short guy, I know that I'll never able to feel that, "I'm much bigger than her so I can dominate her thing," unless I'm dating a Hobbit

 

So basically I'm fine dating a woman of any height, unless she actually makes me feel like a Hobbit.

I've had men call me chunky (??)

That's because you have skin, muscle and organs.

 

Maybe if you were just a skeleton, you'd be fine for them.

[guest572]

Do you guys think that just because a guy is not abusive, filthy and / or obese, a girl should be happy to have him for her boyfriend?

 

You know … she has to LIKE him, too. A lot.

 

Those things should be the base requirement for a BF.

 

 

And it's really frustrating when guys who are abusive, manipulating and rude do have girlfriends.

 

Base requirement of a boyfriend?? Ok "he's not a serial killer, rapist, thief so I will give him a go" lol. A lot more to it than that I'm afraid.

[Imported]

From what I've read and seen, it seems that oddly enough, taller men are more picky about height than shorter guys are.

 

The reason being is that the tall guys want to feel that they can protect and dominate their woman. They want to feel extra masculine and being able to throw her around and stuff. That's why guys who are 6'0 may prefer women that are 5'2.

 

I disagree. Guys that are tall are surrounded by plenty of women that are shorter. There are choices to make. Same thing for women of @average height and shorter.

 

Taller women is the opposite. They learn to be more accepting that a guy may be shorter than them. Same for shorter guys, they learn to accept women taller than them.

 

I think its all about the options you have.

Edited June 13, 2014 by Imported

[somedude81]

I disagree. Guys that are tall are surrounded by plenty of women that are shorter. There are choices to make. Same thing for women of @average height and shorter.

OK, so if you disagree with me; then why do you think some men that are 5'10 or taller say that a woman who is 5'8 is too tall for them?

[Glinda.Good]

Those things should be the base requirement for a BF.

 

Not abusive, not filthy and / or obese SHOULD be the base line for a boyfriend?!?! You gotta be joking!

 

Or, you have so much to learn I would not know where to start.

 

The base line for a boyfriend is … someone who makes her heart sing. Such a person can come in all kinds of packages. But often very hard to find, even with plenty of non abusive, freshly bathed and trim fellows milling about.

[somedude81]

Not abusive, not filthy and / or obese SHOULD be the base line for a boyfriend?!?! You gotta be joking!

 

Or, you have so much to learn I would not know where to start.

 

The base line for a boyfriend is … someone who makes her heart sing. Such a person can come in all kinds of packages. But often very hard to find, even with plenty of non abusive, freshly bathed and trim fellows milling about.

 

So it's OK to have a boyfriend that is abusive and filthy as long as he makes your heart sing?