To tell, or not to tell.

[victoria_d]

I am turning to the world wide web in hope of some un-biased opinions.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for roughly nine months however the first seven months of our relationship were long distance where we saw each other for a few days every five weeks.

 

Whilst our relationship was in some ways rocky at the start, due mostly to being apart and not having the chance to really establish ourselves as a partnership, things were great.

 

I feel that this is important to note - and although may come off as an excuse, which I am not at all implying, I hope it paints a picture so to speak. We work on remote mining sites and work 30 day rotations. For me, I was the only woman in my team of fifty and was very careful in maintaining my professionalism and ensuring I was respected by all men I worked with.

 

Whilst I was working away, my family had a break down, my parents decided to divorce, my father got sick among the stresses of having a LDR and although I didn't notice the changes until I removed myself from the environment, these things were influencing a change in me. I became very angry, depressed, things would upset me, I felt alone as I had no friends or women to speak to.

 

My boyfriend was dealt a lot of my anger, unfairly and unreasonably. I was warned off making friends with the males at work so I had nobody. Eventually, after 6 months of working there, I got to know a few guys reasonably well (they weren't the monsters I had been warned of) and would play the odd game of tennis, pool etc. and I was feeling much better. It's amazing what a social life can do!

 

One guy in particular was a great friend, his mother had mental health issues similar to mine and we bonded over that. We would have a 'vent' over a coffee sometimes and it made a world of difference. However, whilst I didn't think it was anything more than a friendship, one evening he kissed me. I pushed him off and was very mad with him and didn't speak to him. I was so upset and felt silly that I hadn't seen this coming.

 

But silly me, the next week, when I was down and out, I forgave him and said it's okay we can still be friends. And sure enough, he tried it again, but this time - I let it happen.

 

We spent a few nights watching TV, chatting, venting mostly about my family situations and work related gossip and he would comfort me with a hug here and there and, the odd kiss. Not passionate kisses, I felt nothing, but I didn't say no. I felt obliged for some reason.

 

This only continued for about two weeks, and on about 6 occasions in total.

 

Whilst I have completely betrayed my boyfriend, and in every sense cheated, regardless of how it felt for me I am unsure how to proceed.

 

I have since left the job and immediately cut all contact with the other guy.

 

As soon as I assimilated back to 'normal life' my personality returned, I was around friends and was able to help my mother out. I was no longer helpless and weak. I am hoping that perhaps somebody on here has worked in a mining job before, and can understand the affects on the mind.

 

In normal life I have zero attraction to anybody, my male friends are my FRIENDS and I would never even let myself into a position where something like that may have the chance of happening again.

 

My boyfriend and I have moved in together and life is great. We are happy together and I am sure he is The One.

 

I don't know whether to bring this up with him or forget it as it is almost as if it was another person and another life time. Other issues (namely me being nasty and a bit crazy whilst working away) caused stress and we both decided to wipe the slate of our time in the LDR and move forward with our relationship. I wonder if I should have told him when we had this chat, but I felt there was no need to hurt him and cause more stress when I know 100% it was nothing and it is over and there is no chance of something like that ever happening again.

 

In the scheme of things, in five or ten years, when maybe we might be married or have children I think, this is a non-event. If it was me in his shoes, considering the variables, I wouldn't want to know. Life is perfect now, why ruin it?

 

But perhaps that is my guilty conscience.

 

So, please offer your opinions if you wish. As I have said, I completely regret everything and feel terrible, sad, guilty, ashamed and every other emotion here so please, I would appreciate if cyber bashing is kept out of this thread.

 

Thank you

[sterlingarcher]

I think you should tell him because of 2 reasons:

1) If he is The One he will understand you and forgive you.

2) Its way better you telling him now than him finding out at some point in the future.

[PegNosePete]

it is almost as if it was another person and another life time.

I doubt your boyfriend would see it that way. He would definitely see it as the same person, and in the same lifetime.

 

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for your behaviour.

 

Yes you need to tell him what you have done. He has a right to know. Then he can make an informed choice what to do what the information.

[mangetout]

First of all you saying its another person, another lifetime is your way of relieving your guilt. Its you and its still you. You cant run away from that fact.

 

 

Can you trust yourself not to cheat again? Or do you have poor boundaries? If you doubt yourself then you need to tell him.

 

 

Otherwise I would leave it.

[Trustnoone]

Victoria_d

 

Every person deserves the truth. My WW did not feel that way, but she was found out 2 and a had years later. WW thought I would never know. WW thought she could take it to her grave. For those years WW's guilt would build up and she became angry with me. Over time WW stated to me that the guilt keeps building even after she would be angry with me. It caused more guilt being angry. I have an uncle who works in a mine and retired last year so I understand the mindset you are speaking of. On the flip side of that coin he to this day has not cheated on his wife.

 

I would tell if I were in your shoes. What is to say when you become stressed again and feel you have nobody to talk this won't happen again. Everybody makes poor choices in life and probably would like to have a chance to make a different choice on occasion. Face your consequences like a mature adult.

[bubbaganoosh]

So now your relationship is built on a lie. Sooner or later the truth comes out and what was old news to you is now brand new to him. Then you got a bigger problem because he wont believe a word that comes out of your mouth and if he does, it will be met with skepticism and a lot of sleepless nights and arguments.

 

Your choice to make so pick wisely.

[Spectre]

Yeah, you tell him. He deserves to be with a chick who doesn't cheat, he deserves at least that choice.

 

You felt "obliged" to kiss this guy? Yeah, right.

[GorillaTheater]

Just a few kisses isn't on quite the same scale as a Mazola corn orgy with the rugby team, but it doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what your bf thinks.

 

If you think the two of you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together, don't let a lie, or at least a pretty damn significant omission of the truth, be one of the stones in the foundation. Sh*t falls down when that happens.

[gaius]

Would you even want a boyfriend that would put up with you doing something like that? =/ Most women don't. It's a lose/lose/lose situation for you if you tell him. Unless part of you wants to break up or punish him for something.

[revelations]

victoria d,

 

Okay first off the fact that your feeling guilty over a few hugs and kisses is actually a pretty good sign to me. It shows that even crossing your boundaries even just a little has some very bad effects on you. So I'd be willing to bet that you would not ever do that again. However now your probably pretty scared about loosing your boyfriend. You are wondering if you should tell him or keep it to yourself and hope he never finds out. Please allow me to help clarify this from your boyfriends perspective and how he may be thinking. I should also say how I would think and react.

 

First thing's first is you need to tell your boyfriend what happened. This may surprise you, however confessing to something like this might actually make him feel more secure with you. I say this because you did not have sex with the other guy (from what I read). Now when confessing this to your boyfriend pick a time when you can have a few hours uninterrupted and were he has a day or two off. Expect him to ask a lot of questions and to repeat the questions a lot. Expect him to ask for proof and be ready to give it to him if you have it. Even offer to do a lie detector test if he wants that done. So once your ready with all of this then sit down and tell him, everything from start to finish. Do not leave out anything, do not trickle truth or anything else. All of the facts and nothing else. Do not try and justify your actions in any way. Express how sorry, remorseful and guilty you feel about doing this. Let your boyfriend know that you only want him and that you are willing to try and earn his forgiveness and trust back.

 

Expect him to be upset and mad at you for awhile. He may even leave the house for a few days or a week. The bad part is that he may not believe you, so he will not trust any answer you give him. Were you are confessing to a few kisses and hugs, your boy friend may be thinking that you banged the guy a few times. So expect this, that is why I say offer to do a lie detector test to help reassure him. Chances are he may not react that badly to what you have to tell him. However in either case, kissing his butt a bit and giving him some extra attention will go a long ways. If he is like me he may forgive now, however later wonder why your feeling that guilty over a couple of kisses. A couple of months later he may bring up the topic again and really question you about it. This is why I say from here on out, always be ready to offer proof or reassure him in any way possible. However in the long run you will find that by telling your boyfriend that you will both be much better off.

 

Now if you keep it to yourself you will be building your relationship with your boyfriend on a lie. You will always be wondering if your boyfriend might find out someday. You may become more jealous towards your boyfriend. Since you feel that you have gotten away with it once, you may decide to do it again later on and even go farther. You will be hurting yourself more than anyone else.

 

Let me explain how I would react to this. If I found out, let's say after we have been married for about 10yrs, my reaction would be catastrophic. It would not be because you hugged and kissed the guy a few times. It would be because you kept that information from me for all those years. I would feel that the whole marriage is a lie. I would feel like you deceived me into marrying you and that you stolen the last 10yrs or more of my life. That lie would possibly end the marriage. If it did not end the marriage, then the marriage would be changed from then on out. I would never believe a word out of your mouth and you would have to prove everything to me. Keeping something like that a secret is called omission. Since you are not directly asked about it, you don't tell. However a lie through omission is still a lie in my book. So with me, the longer the lie goes on, the higher chance I will walk out on a marriage. At that point I also consider the marriage contract to be broken. So with someone like me, you may not be just dealing with an upset husband that your trying to win back. I may bang four or five different women before you even get separation papers from me. The main thing that you can expect is that finding out about something like this years later is much worse than being told shortly after it first happened.

 

However telling me soon after, even if it's been a few months, my reactions will be a lot different. Okay if you did keep this from me for a few months, it might take me some time to understand and calm down. The thing is that I would feel much more confident that you only did hug and kiss this other guy. I would also feel like you would be unable to cheat and lie about it for any length of time. So with someone like me, confessing is always better and the sooner the better. By confessing this early on with me means a few rough days or even months. A little butt kissing and reassuring goes a long ways during this time. However in the end the subject is dropped. Finding out years later means the high possibility of ending the marriage or relationship. Even if I do give you a chance you would have to date me all over again and even remarry me at your cost. While dating me I would be seeing and banging other women. So which would you rather take the chance on?

 

Now remember I am telling you what I would do, I know this because I have seen me do it before. Your boyfriend may not react like this to being lied to for years. The point is that it is not the hugs and kisses that are so bad, it is the lie. For most people the longer amount of time that lie goes on the worse it is. So plan things out a little bit. Be ready for a bad reaction. Be ready to offer proof if possible and reassurance. Make sure to have some lip balm ready. Be ready to ask exactly were your boyfriend wants your lips on his butt. The proceed to tell him what happened, comfort and reassure him, offer anyway including a lie detector test to convince him you are telling the truth. Then kiss his butt and spoil him for a few weeks. Trust me, you telling him now is much better than him finding out later. Best of luck to you..

[No Limit]

Don't use the excuse "I don't want to hurt him". You only don't want to face consequences because you know they'll be unpleasant.

 

And it will come out eventually. And if you happen to be married by that point, he'll most certainly cheat on you or leave you anyway, no matter how much time has passed.

 

A relationship is made of 2 people. He has the right to know what he's signing up for, especially if it's someone who has cheated on him.

[noww]

Fess up, woman. I did the same thing (kissed another guy) and confessed what happened. It is your bf's decision what he thinks of it, not yours, and especially not some random strangers on an internet message board. This **** is between you so start sorting it out.

[preraph]

If there is no chance of him finding out, I wouldn't tell him. The most important issue here is why you felt you had to acquiesce. Many of us grow up feeling we're not supposed to say no to especially men. Maybe that was modeled in your household. My mother was always flattering to men and kind of a butt to others. She was from that "you respect men because they're the bosses" generation. As we all know, s**t flows downhill, so here we are in the 21st Century having pangs of conscience for rejecting a man's sexual advances.

 

You really need to work on that because this sort of -- sorry to say this -- weakness can be seen a mile away by men who are predatory to any degree and they will take full advantage of it. Men who are crossing the line nearly always know they are crossing the line or moving too fast or cornering you into something and you should NOT care about their feelings and just say NO.

 

If you and your bf are ever near the subject, you might tell him that you have had problems before not wanting to hurt guys' feelings and that it's causes some issues in the past. But unless this dude is going to tell him, I wouldn't tell him about it and make him deal with that. If this guy ever does say anything, I'd just say you thought he was just a friend but he wanted more and it was awkward.

Edited June 7, 2014 by preraph

[Spectre]

If there is no chance of him finding out, I wouldn't tell him.

 

As soon as I read this line I thought "I bet she is female" and low and behold I checked and I was right.

 

If you and your bf are ever near the subject, you might tell him that you have had problems before not wanting to hurt guys' feelings and that it's causes some issues in the past.

 

Umm no..here is the thing, she can totally not hurt a guys feelings..WITHOUT kissing him on multiple occasions. So please do not advise this woman to pretend like she was doing this just to spare some guys poor feelings. You don't meet a dude multiple times, kiss him multiple times, unless you WANT to do so.

 

But unless this dude is going to tell him, I wouldn't tell him about it and make him deal with that. If this guy ever does say anything, I'd just say you thought he was just a friend but he wanted more and it was awkward.

 

Why doesn't he deserve to know the type of girl he is with? Why does she get to decide for him? Not telling the guy is taking away his choices. If she "loves" this care at all, she would never even consider doing that.

 

This girl didn't just accidentally kiss someone, go read her post. It happened on SIX different occasions and then she still tries to tell us she "felt nothing" while doing it.

 

This guy deserves to know who he is with, mostly so he can find someone better, because people do not behave this way normally. I don't know why the OP feels she is obliged to kiss a dude on multiple occasions. That sounds like a lame excuse, at best.

 

I just can't even see why people would see a cheater and then encourage them to continue the deceit.

Edited June 7, 2014 by Spectre

[revelations]

If there is no chance of him finding out, I wouldn't tell him.

 

Really? why is this? So I guess it is okay for a guy to cheat then to as long as she does not find out about it?

 

The most important issue here is why you felt you had to acquiesce. Many of us grow up feeling we're not supposed to say no to especially men. Maybe that was modeled in your household. My mother was always flattering to men and kind of a butt to others. She was from that "you respect men because they're the bosses" generation. As we all know, s**t flows downhill, so here we are in the 21st Century having pangs of conscience for rejecting a man's sexual advances.

 

So you are really going to try and play the victim card here? Do not give me that crap about a woman is a victim for rejecting or accepting a mans sexual advances. If a woman cheats it is because she does not love or respect her man. She is unable to do this because she does not love or respect herself, much like you. WTF woman, do you even consider men to be human? You do not cheat and you are honest because you respect and love your man. Not because it is some man being supreme or better than a woman.

 

You really need to work on that because this sort of -- sorry to say this -- weakness can be seen a mile away by men who are predatory to any degree and they will take full advantage of it. Men who are crossing the line nearly always know they are crossing the line or moving too fast or cornering you into something and you should NOT care about their feelings and just say NO.

 

So which is it woman, or you the victim or are you "Woman hear me roar"? Next thing you will try and convince her to forgive her boyfriend for allowing her to cheat on him.

 

If you and your bf are ever near the subject, you might tell him that you have had problems before not wanting to hurt guys' feelings and that it's causes some issues in the past. But unless this dude is going to tell him, I wouldn't tell him about it and make him deal with that. If this guy ever does say anything, I'd just say you thought he was just a friend but he wanted more and it was awkward.

 

Yes of course don't tell him, then you would only anthropomorphize him by doing so. You may have to listen to how hurt his feelings are like that really matters.

 

I don't date anymore because of running into spoiled, narcissistic, self-entitled women like you. Here is a news flash for you princess, you are not a special unique snowflake, men do not owe you crap, you are not an empowered woman nor or you a victim. Is what you are is a predator. You are no better than the men you complain about for beating their wives. You are doing the same thing to men except on an emotional level. The only difference is that the wounds you leave do not heal in time. You are the kind of woman that gives women everywhere a bad name. You are like any feminist that I have ever ran into, you want greater rights than men without the responsibility that goes with them. Guess what men do when we run into women like you? We leave, simple as that. You want to pull crap like this and blame it on men, that's okay you can do that. However while you are complaining "where have all the good men gone", I'll tell you exactly where we went. We have gone fishing and no longer want you around us. I will be buying stock in cat food and pharmaceutical companies because I know exactly how women like you will be spending their old age. That is with your cats, wine and anti-depressants.

[Omei]

I agree you need to tell him...

 

This might sounds crazy but anyway you tell him face to face verbally is going to end up being in a how could you....panic...chaotic mess of hurt and emotions and you may never get out or across exactly what you need to say or express your remorsefulness

 

I have always thought taking the link of the forum you write if remorseful, would be a very interesting way to tell someone about the infidelity and your feelings behind it its unlikely during an actual conversation you will ever express everything to him that you did here.

 

What im saying is it sounds crazy but if you sent this link to him in a email this shows of how this is effecting you bothering you how your scared and want forgiveness might come across a little better from reading this.

 

He would read the whole thing through have more insight than what it would likely go down face to face convo its likely as soon as the words 'cheated' comes out he will break off and leave you little chance to describe how bad you feel... And THEN you do the face to face talking.

 

I am not saying hes doesn't deserve it to his face he does and she should what I am suggesting is it may be a good start with it written because its very likely after that its going to be a big problem and it will be but she will be able to rest easy knowing she got out everything she really wanted to tell him and then face him knowing there's nothing else she could say and its his turn now...

 

ITs JUST an idea!!! Im not saying this is the choice she should make, its up to her.

 

(dont stone me lol)

Edited June 7, 2014 by Omei

[preraph]

Good Lord, people, unless I'm missing something all the did was let the guy kiss (dispassionately) and hug her. It seems to me men are so anxious to think women are just as much cheaters as they are to justify their own actions that they grasp at every straw, no matter how flimsy. And you'll never understand the psychology behind being so kind hearted that you hate to hurt even a jerk's feelings. That's the difference.

 

If there's something she's not telling us and she carried on having sex with the guy during that time, then my answer would be different. But I reread it and I see kisses, hugs, and remorse.

[Woggle]

Good Lord, people, unless I'm missing something all the did was let the guy kiss (dispassionately) and hug her. It seems to me men are so anxious to think women are just as much cheaters as they are to justify their own actions that they grasp at every straw, no matter how flimsy. And you'll never understand the psychology behind being so kind hearted that you hate to hurt even a jerk's feelings. That's the difference.

 

If there's something she's not telling us and she carried on having sex with the guy during that time, then my answer would be different. But I reread it and I see kisses, hugs, and remorse.

 

Women are just as much cheaters as men are. Not saying all women are cheaters because there are plenty that don't but men and women cheat in about equal numbers. The way I see it is that letting stuff like this slide just make them think it is okay to disrespect you in even worse ways and I say that for both genders.

[Spectre]

Good Lord, people, unless I'm missing something all the did was let the guy kiss (dispassionately) and hug her. It seems to me men are so anxious to think women are just as much cheaters as they are to justify their own actions that they grasp at every straw, no matter how flimsy.

 

Umm lady I think you ARE missing something. She said this happened on SIX different occasions. Sorry, but when she is letting it happen that many times..there is a problem. It is a bigger problem if you see no problem with it.

 

And you'll never understand the psychology behind being so kind hearted that you hate to hurt even a jerk's feelings. That's the difference.

 

I had to read this a few times for it to really sink in. Is that what you honestly feel this was? This woman let some dude kiss her on multiple occasions..all because she has a heart of gold and..gosh darned it, just doesn't want to hurt this guys feelings? I have to believe that you couldn't actual think that, otherwise I'd lose my faith in people.

 

I'm sorry, but no..just no. There are ways for a woman to turn a man down without hurting his feelings. Here, let me give you one: say you have a boyfriend. There, that works. It isn't really saying to the guy "ew get away from me" just saying "sorry, I"m already taken" so he isn't exactly walking away feeling like he would of never had a shot with you in a million years. I mean, come on now, if an adult woman can't figure out a way to kindly let a guy down that doesn't involve making out with him various times..well, then there is a huge problem.

 

If there's something she's not telling us and she carried on having sex with the guy during that time, then my answer would be different. But I reread it and I see kisses, hugs, and remorse.

 

What does her feeling remorse have to do with her telling the truth? Since, you know, she kind of owes honesty to her partner either way. It doesn't matter if there is or isn't remorse. Feeling remorse doesn't give you an okay to lie to someone.

 

I read it: I see a grown woman in a relationship letting another man kiss her on multiple occasions. If you see no problem with that, then..well, there isn't anything I can say to change your mind, but make no mistake there is indeed a problem there.

 

So, unless this womans partner told her "no sex with other men, but you can totally kiss them and stuff" then..she doesn't get a pass. She needs to be up front with him and not brush this aside like it was no big deal.

[revelations]

Good Lord, people, unless I'm missing something all the did was let the guy kiss (dispassionately) and hug her. It seems to me men are so anxious to think women are just as much cheaters as they are to justify their own actions that they grasp at every straw, no matter how flimsy. And you'll never understand the psychology behind being so kind hearted that you hate to hurt even a jerk's feelings. That's the difference.

 

If there's something she's not telling us and she carried on having sex with the guy during that time, then my answer would be different. But I reread it and I see kisses, hugs, and remorse.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

No, No, and NO!!!

 

Women cheat all the time, a lot of them wait until they are married because they know it will cost their husband dearly to dump their sorry cheating butt. Being kind to someone does not mean that it is okay to hug and kiss on them or bang them. Would you feel okay with your husband cuddled up with some other woman exchanging hugs and kisses? This is not grasping for straws or any other way you may want to put it to deflect responsibility from a woman's actions. Guess what princess, I have seen a lot more women out their that are cold and ruthless towards men than the other way around.

 

Now as far as the OP hugging and kissing some other guy, well this is something that her husband has to figure out how big of a deal it is for him. I have known guys that were okay with their wives banging other men. While other guys I have known were not okay with their wives giving another guy a hug unless they were related. So that is really an individual thing. However because the OP is feeling guilty about this does say that something is wrong. Either she knows her husband will not be okay with it or she may have wanted to go farther with it. Telling her husband about it, is done behind respecting him. Now just so you get this through your thick head you should know that respect is a two-way street, you have to earn it to get it and you have to give it to keep it.

 

When I was married my xWW and I had a deal. Neither of us would not spend over $60 on an a personal or fun item before we checked with each other. This was because (at the time) we respected each other. I was earning almost all of the money and she was paying the bills with my money. So by keeping each other informed was a way to insure that neither of us would spend money that the other had marked for a bill. Now every couple has their own ways to show respect for each other. The thing that you seem to miss is that women do need to show respect to men also. Showing respect is not being subservient to a man. Feminist have successfully brainwashed women into conflating being subservient with being respectful.

 

Oh and by the way before you try and lecture any of us on here about psychology you need to take a look at yourself. Accepting another mans advances because you claim to being kind heart is not being a giving person. Is what you are then is being a selfish cheater. It simply amazes me at the mental gymnastics you have to preform in order to conflate cheating with being a helpful and giving soul. I hope the OP tells her husband about what she has done. Just because it will show that she at the very least respects her husband enough to let him make up his own mind on how big of a deal this is to him.

[todreaminblue]

I feel for you, I feel that you have remorse for this, but not enough remorse to be truthful so therefore it isn't complete remorse.A really long time ago i was incarcerated in a mental hospital as i was a danger to myself.

 

 

It(sic) was a scary place to be for the first time in my life i was completely surrounded by some seriously unwell strangers of this the majority were men.I was picked on by this one guy who thought i was a spy, i am actually empathic and picked up on lies and feelings.He spent a long time and busied himself making me afraid .

 

 

One day i cried, I couldn't take it anymore, in group he would specifically point me out and make others look hard at me and distrust me

I felt alien like and very young,child like and helpless.

 

 

 

He later came up to me and apologised and became my protector of sorts, which i was grateful for

 

i talked to him and one other guy who was a professor who warned me about him having ulterior motives being child like i didnt listen and thought it was alright,i trusted this unwell guy.. We ended up kissing one day, my guard and I.I was in a long term relationship of which my ex often cheated on me, he worked the bar, so alcohol, women, bouncer barman you get the picture.

 

 

Even though my ex had cheated on me what I did was wrong, child like or not, mentally ill or not, I kissed back and i never said no.I am not retarded I know right from wrong.

 

 

 

I was advised by many to not tell my ex what i had done, I informed the doctors and they removed the man to another floor.I had true remorse for what i had done it was making me more unwell, and guilt is not my friend.Against advice I told my ex, he looked at me with such sadness, I couldn't speak anymore, and he walked outside and sat down on the front step and cried, we didn't break up.

 

My ex accepted a career interstate which i wrote a letter of interest for him to achieve emplyment, he got the job, and i followed him down some months later with our family including three girls that were his.......we are now no longer together as he had an affair I have forgiven him, moved back interstate to be close to my family, he forgave me.

 

 

Damage is often slow to arise like my continual forgiveness for his ons, eventually, unfaithful behavior is repeated,damage continues, statistically it is hard to ignore the adage about once a cheat always a cheat.

 

 

You need to come clean ,It is not going to be pleasant,restitution for wrongs hardly ever is pleasant nor should you expect instant forgiveness, but if you truly love him you will be honest, if you are truly sorry you will also feel much better to have no secrets or deception in your relationship....i hope this works out for you,whatever happens may it be the best for both of you...... best wishes....deb.

Edited June 8, 2014 by todreaminblue

[ThatMan]

Good Lord, people, unless I'm missing something all the did was let the guy kiss (dispassionately) and hug her. It seems to me men are so anxious to think women are just as much cheaters as they are to justify their own actions that they grasp at every straw, no matter how flimsy. And you'll never understand the psychology behind being so kind hearted that you hate to hurt even a jerk's feelings. That's the difference.

Do you know what a jerk is?

Jerks minimize how their actions impact the lives of everyone around them. What you've demonstrated is the opposite of kindness. Struggling to be a self-advocate by holding such a low regard for yourself is not kindness. Kindness is neither disrespect of yourself, of other people, nor the act of invalidating the feelings of loved ones as you trample over them. Choosing to pull a veil of secrecy and lies of a person you claim to love is downright malicious and cruel. It's disrespectful to regard adults as mere children who must rely on you to filter out possibly difficult information. If anybody here is being a jerk, it's you. These lies of omission simply aren't very nice at all. Yet that never stopped you from encouraging another person to partake in these lies herself.

 

The genuinely kind people I've known throughout my life sincerely care about the thoughts and feelings of others - even if someone is upset by what they personally consider unimportant. Spouses are supposed to cherish and value each other. You simply cannot do that by believing it was just a kiss, or six of them, and that your spouse should get over himself by never taking offense. You certainly aren't particularly kind by any stretch of the imagination. Invalidation is technically abuse.

 

Is this how you interact in all your relationships? That's incredibly toxic.

 

If there is no chance of him finding out, I wouldn't tell him. The most important issue here is why you felt you had to acquiesce. Many of us grow up feeling we're not supposed to say no to especially men. Maybe that was modeled in your household. My mother was always flattering to men and kind of a butt to others. She was from that "you respect men because they're the bosses" generation. As we all know, s**t flows downhill, so here we are in the 21st Century having pangs of conscience for rejecting a man's sexual advances.

And just like that you've painted yourself out to be the most screwed up person here. You still have the free will to make choices for yourself. Whether or not you've grown up in a chauvinistic household doesn't take away your decision making ability. Even if you dig your heels into the ground, the ability to create novel decisions for yourself is still there, as where it has always belonged. Go outside and do something productive with yourself. Get a job, make new friends, get involved in therapy, do anything beneficial. The only way to ever reclaim your life is through effort to make some changes. You'll never do anything differently if you just sit there trying to convince yourself that only jerks have personal considerations.

Edited June 8, 2014 by ThatMan

[Spectre]

I still will never get this mentality of "only tell him if he will find out!". I can't figure out how a person who actually thinks they love their partner..could think like that. That is like an alien mindset to me. When did people start viewing honesty as something only necessary when there is no other choice?

 

What is worse is to see people brush actions like this under the rug, since hey it was only kissing and hugging. Then the OP somehow convinced herself she was obligated to cheat and kiss this man because..well, because I have no idea.

[preraph]

 

And just like that you've painted yourself out to be the most screwed up person here.

 

Thanks for the defensive wholesale round of insults, but I got over that decades ago, when the times changed and haven't been that way since I was a teen. And evidence of that is that I'm not giving any credence to your opinion of me right at this moment. You have your opinion and I have mine on this. A lot of men want to believe women are all cheaters because it absolves them. But the scale simply isn't balanced that way. IF the OP is being truthful in her original post, she stopped and checked herself, which is what you're supposed to do.

[Woggle]

Thanks for the defensive wholesale round of insults, but I got over that decades ago, when the times changed and haven't been that way since I was a teen. And evidence of that is that I'm not giving any credence to your opinion of me right at this moment. You have your opinion and I have mine on this. A lot of men want to believe women are all cheaters because it absolves them. But the scale simply isn't balanced that way. IF the OP is being truthful in her original post, she stopped and checked herself, which is what you're supposed to do.

 

Women are not all cheaters but neither are all men. These days it's pretty much even.