Becoming an alpha but losing interest

[Disillusioned]

I've noticed something weird happening the last couple of years.

 

I'm slightly better off than I was 2 years ago, but I also have less desire for female companionship.

 

On Thursday 6-5, I paid the tuition for a course which will catapult me from my current clerical job of making barely 1.5x minimum wage into a new job where I'll be my own boss AND be making anywhere from $65k-$100k a year. And even that will be partly to subsidize writing and publishing my next 5 books.

 

But what feels weird is that the more I work on myself and the better off I become, the less I feel like I want female companionship. Even without that, I've never been one of those guys who can feel attracted to just any woman... I have my own ideas about beauty (most other men would NOT approve of them), and if a woman is good-looking but not a nice person, I just say forget it.

 

Ironically, with the success of my author meetups and chess meetups, I'm getting closer and closer to hosting my own meetups for asexual singles. I'm like the guy handling the gold who has no desire to steal any of it.

 

If I meet her, I meet her... but at that point she'll be little more than a fifth wheel to me.

 

I wonder... how many more men out there are ones we don't hear about---alpha males who are straight but have no interest in meeting women? Yes it's tempting to be an alpha and act like a kid in a candy store, but it's also tempting to keep what you've earned and use it for yourself.

[Snakechammah]

Oh wow! I can totally relate to this! Thanks for sharing!

 

When I was single (most of my life actually), I put my entire energy into writing and finding an agent/publisher. I completed three novels and on the way to writing my fourth. All the while not caring if I ever dated or get married. Tunnel vision. Only my books mattered.

 

Then bam! I met my boyfriend and haven't written a single word since. My energy and time is now devoted to him, and even though he is my greatest cheerleader in my writing pursuits, I realize that I needed proper income to save up for our wedding and my writing had to be put on hold. Took a full-time job with his encouragement and now I dont have any time to write.

 

Before I met him, I took a one year unemployment phase to complete my third book, but because now I have real plans for a wedding, I realize I needed quick cash and full-time job it is!

 

So wow, your story is what I am going through too. I wish you all the very best in your writing career and it's really nice to see a fellow author in here. But never give up on love, ever!

[Disillusioned]

That's the problem, I'm closer to giving up on love. The whole thing seems like a lie.

 

Looking back, I can never remember a time in my life when I've truly felt happy... to me, happiness has always been something that someone else comes along and wrecks it.

 

All work and no play has made me a dull man.

[Keenly]

Quit using the word alpha. That's a bunch of crap.

 

 

This is society. Not nature.

[TheBladeRunner]

Quit using the word alpha. That's a bunch of crap.

 

 

This is society. Not nature.

 

Agreed! I am fed up with the whole "alpha" concept.....I am not an animal, I am just a guy.

Edited June 6, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
bad grammer

[TylerDurdenn]

Alphas don't pay for a course, they are the course.

[Disillusioned]

Either way, my quality of life has been getting better and I've been losing interest in meeting women.

[pteromom]

This makes sense. As you fill your life with things that are meaningful to you, you are able to appreciate what you have vs. wanting what you don't have.

 

So good for you for that.

 

Where you lost me is this:

If I meet her, I meet her... but at that point she'll be little more than a fifth wheel to me.

 

Why is this? I mean, if you find the right woman, she will be a partner, a friend, a companion, a supporter, and a champion for you. Someone to laugh with and travel with and help edit your books. That's not a fifth wheel. Don't settle for someone who is a fifth wheel.

 

And don't worry about alpha. There's another A-word which is much much more important. AUTHENTIC. Be you. Don't try to be anything else. Make your life what you want it to be. When you do that, the people on your wavelength will be able to see who you are, and who knows... one of them may just be the perfect woman for you.

[preraph]

It's why I always tell people strugging with dating to work on themselves. If you're happy with yourself, you don't need others quite as much.

[Rar0]

There is no such thing

[littleplanet]

I've noticed something weird happening the last couple of years.

 

I'm slightly better off than I was 2 years ago, but I also have less desire for female companionship.

 

On Thursday 6-5, I paid the tuition for a course which will catapult me from my current clerical job of making barely 1.5x minimum wage into a new job where I'll be my own boss AND be making anywhere from $65k-$100k a year. And even that will be partly to subsidize writing and publishing my next 5 books.

 

But what feels weird is that the more I work on myself and the better off I become, the less I feel like I want female companionship. Even without that, I've never been one of those guys who can feel attracted to just any woman... I have my own ideas about beauty (most other men would NOT approve of them), and if a woman is good-looking but not a nice person, I just say forget it.

 

Ironically, with the success of my author meetups and chess meetups, I'm getting closer and closer to hosting my own meetups for asexual singles. I'm like the guy handling the gold who has no desire to steal any of it.

 

If I meet her, I meet her... but at that point she'll be little more than a fifth wheel to me.

 

I wonder... how many more men out there are ones we don't hear about---alpha males who are straight but have no interest in meeting women? Yes it's tempting to be an alpha and act like a kid in a candy store, but it's also tempting to keep what you've earned and use it for yourself.

 

 

Can I suggest a book?

The collected letters of Jack and Charmian London.

 

Jack was just a little on the 'alpha' side (and no doubt would have heartily agreed) - though like others here, I don't happen to have a lot of use for the term.

 

Charmian was no slouch.

She was his 'woman in a million.'

 

Jack was on top of the world when he met her.

He stayed on top of the world after, too.

(though strong liquor eventually took him down.)

 

Self-improvement is a wonderful thing.

Self-knowledge just as wonderful.

But if its progeny is an empty bed - that bed is no more wonderful for all the riches you can pile on it.

(some things in this world.....money still does not buy.)

 

One can always ponder the pride that goeth before the fall.....

and romance bewitches folly, and all of that,

but lonely solitudes often do dance with dollar signs.

(and the strangest tangos result)

 

The true love song is for the lover. That, only.

(other ears adore from unattainable distance)

[Rar0]

Alphas don't pay for a course, they are the course.

 

This is silly

[nickkelly9]

I haven't been on here in quite a while and I'm certain I won't be on here again after this little bit.

 

I completely understand the OP's position. After beating my head against the wall for 28 years to try and date women and be desirable and satisfy my sexual urges, the bottom finally fell out. As some on here had suggested me to do, I just gave up. First I followed the advice to settle, and have my first actual relationship. It lasted 4 months and was very dissatisfying for me- aside from finally getting regular female contact, holding hands, kissing, it was all wrong. She didn't really understand me, we were very incompatible sexually...it was an amazing time for me in the beginning, actually dating and what not, but once it got deeper it was more stressful than fun.

 

So after ending that relationship, I tried to get back out there and use my new found experience and the fact that I found at least one woman who would date me to propel me further in this arena. But after a couple months of more abject failure, something finally gave. That's the only way to describe it. I just stopped caring.

 

I barely even notice women anymore. I've just realized that, as I near my 29th birthday, that is probably something in the world that I won't experience. Same as quaterbacking a team to the Super Bowl or winning American Idol or painting the next Mona Lisa. I have plenty of talents and interests and potential, and I'm exploring them all. But I'll never be a superstar athlete or an amazing singer or a historic painter. It doesn't bother me because I know it's beyond my limits, it's just not me. And dating and having fun sexually and all of that falls into that category.

 

I'd rather focus on mastering the things I want to master, and doing what I love, and making my life better. I always imagined and yearned to be doing all of that with a woman I was truly attracted to on my arm, supporting me, someone I could be intimate with and passionate with and close to. But I don't think that woman is out there. And for the first time, I'm okay with that.

[Glinda.Good]

Alphas don't pay for a course, they are the course.

 

Not if they want to have a profession.

 

I think the OP is "becoming an alpha" because his actual life is happening.

 

AWESOME!

 

That sounds like a very good place to be. Just keep working on creating your life. You will feel better and better. And then when you do encounter that kind of woman who you feel very attracted to, you will feel fine about taking a risk …

[normal person]

Quit using the word alpha. That's a bunch of crap.

 

This is society. Not nature.

 

What a bold statement. How is human society not a part of nature? Just because humans have a high cognitive capability and self awareness doesn't mean they aren't still governed by natural instincts. Just because we've evolved the ability to rationalize things doesn't mean we still don't act naturally. There are societies of animals, are we that much different only because it hurts our poor feelings to call ourselves "animals?"

 

It's obvious that when it comes to a lot things people are still driven by the same things that have gotten this species and every other one this far: reproduction.

 

Why do you think so many women are drawn to the most tall, muscular, successful, rich guys who can provide for them and not short, pudgy, broke guys who can't do anything for them? Why do you think men have such an urge to sleep with as many as women as possible despite there being a bit of a social stigma attached to it? Do you really think it's just billions of coincidences and not just a biological predisposition?

 

I don't see why people are getting hung up on the nomenclature. Whether you call it "alpha" or "guy who is more likely to produce the best offspring and ensure that they reach sexual maturity themselves," there's no denying that such a concept exists.

 

OP, people will tell you there's no such thing. But they can't do much to deny evidence. When you improve your standing and get more resources (be it money, power, health, etc) you're evolving as an individual and becoming more desirable. You're giving women reason more of a reason to want to reproduce with you whether they can rationalize it away or not. This is what happens naturally and other people can call it whatever the hell they want and possibly be bitter/jealous of someone for improving his life.

 

But what feels weird is that the more I work on myself and the better off I become, the less I feel like I want female companionship.

 

Why do you think you're feeling like that? Perhaps you're taking some satisfaction in your new found self worth and not equating your self worth to your ability to get a girl. Accomplishing things is very gratifying on it's own.

 

Even without that, I've never been one of those guys who can feel attracted to just any woman... I have my own ideas about beauty (most other men would NOT approve of them), and if a woman is good-looking but not a nice person, I just say forget it.

 

Plenty of men are just as discriminatory. I've turned down a lot of beautiful girls because they had any number of undesirable traits: bitchy, unintelligent, poor judgment, undiscerning, too superficial, too likely to cause problems, etc. "Settling" is a compromise of a guy who can't do any better or won't work for it. You're on the up and up so you can garner in someone else what you're worth yourself.

[Under The Radar]

I'm a Beta that shoots for the 9.5's with low self-esteem .

[lino]

Congratulations on your new found success

 

I ddon't believe in all this alpha male sh*t but a lot of women do and the money you stand to earn isn't what many women will consider what they believe is an 'alpha' male thing.

 

But disregard all that rubbish anyway. Enjoy your success and keep striving for more.

[mattny]

I know exactly how you feel! My life is going in the same direction. After my last breakup I continued in the gym and only went harder. Bulked up like crazy and Im pretty damn fit and my abs have started coming in nicely. I just landed a killer career 6 months ago that Ill most likely stay in til I retire.

 

I put off so many plans over the last 6-7 years because of girlfriends. But now Ive become happy with what Im doing and Im planning to buy a Harley soon and start rock-climbing...Im having so much fun it doesnt seem like I have time for a girl right now, much less the desire to go find one!

 

Maybe Ill meet one in my gym or doing rock-climbing (my friend is an instructor and he said there are always a lot of single girls doing it), but Im not even concerned with the what-ifs..just gonna keep having fun!

[Disillusioned]

I haven't entirely taken my ball and gone home... I refuse to play a game which is so heavily rigged against me.

 

I've thought it through... if I lose, I lose... but if I win, I can REALLY lose if I'm not careful.

[normal person]

It's only "rigged against you" if you choose to accept it, lay back, and die.

 

You can actively improve your circumstances (which you're doing) and that will tilt the scales back in your favor. It's not easy and it will require hard work, but it's worth it if it affords you what you want out of life. A lot of guys here don't seem to understand that. I'm on your side, OP.

[Trimmer]

Quit using the word alpha. That's a bunch of crap.

 

 

This is society. Not nature.

Indeed! Not only do many people (mostly douchebags, although not saying this about you, OP...) misunderstand and misapply the "alpha" concept, but more recent research suggests that the idea of the "alpha" being at the peak of the social order in the pack because of dominance and aggression is immensely oversimplified.

[todreaminblue]

We all struggle at some point or another i struggle part nympho part prude part soldier and a child like heart in another part is underage.....wouldnt consider myself an asexual because i adore sex in part, and one part should never have sex.So as a multiple personality i would say i also find it hard to deal with too as do most men who dotn understand multiple possibilities

 

i am an alpha female in most respects(not that i believe in alpha beta except in and for communication purposes) but as a strong alpha female i stand my ground in spite of others and in spite of what my heart fears.That's what i think is important.

 

Doesnt matter what i have experienced or what i am experienced in.I have quite a few experiences and paths i have already traveled ,nor is it, of any concern what lesser part of me people see .

 

 

I am always a leader,was born to lead,but I dont want to have to lead a man,I need a stronger man than myself, i lead in supportive measures, god gave me the foresight in hindsight to know this, and i make decisions in what god gave me,which is an iq so my decisions will be the best for my future not my past, maybe then, when i find the right guy, there will be complete harmony inside me because i always move forward and improve over and over i improve everything gain more insight,hence a state of perfecting is constant,which is core and central to my faith,and I live the life I should know to be what is right for me and I stand up for that,

 

 

that's what i would advise anyone to do,a state of perpetual perfection there is no becoming, because it is constant change or with what I know to be true, you will never really have lived at all, asexual or otherwise..

 

This matters to me because i need to lead three daughters who are bright and giving souls to the right path what i know to be right for me and for them....and that can never be a lesser path, that to me would be a successful rewarding and fulfilling life to instil and stand for what I know is true and right and can never be a lesser value or there is no progression

 

i am not becoming alpha i think that would be a pointless undertaking to cnsidr, i alaready know I am alpha and always was

 

 

becoming an "alpha" you would always remain the same and that is becoming because you arent in the true mindset..People who cant change perception could never lead as well as someone who could change that perception of becoming an alpha to knowing i am and always was an alpha. .Leaders turn others into leaders not for personal gain but for the gain of others they are true leaders..

Edited June 12, 2014 by todreaminblue

[jbelle6]

I'm a Beta that shoots for the 9.5's with low self-esteem .

 

 

Not gonna lie, made me giggle.

[jbelle6]

The thing I find is that men who call themselves alpha, are usually the opposite of. I think someone comfortable and confident in himself won't have to state it.

 

I still congratulate you on your success OP. I am trying to work more on myself as well.

[guest572]

I dont see the problem here OP! You are happy with your life and don't need someone to complete you. If you meet her, you meet her, yes and at that point i am sure you will be ready for her. You will want her in your life if she is the one for you.