Is this too extreme? Making sure to shield your lover from "predators" in public...

[cutegirl]

My bf is a bit extreme. He believes that if you love someone you always have to "shield them" in public. A while ago we went into a store, and there were

two guys walking behind us (in a very busy store). My bf told me to "make a left", but I didn't hear him so I said "what did you say?" and stopped walking.

He got quite upset with me, because he claimed that I did not protect him from the other guys behind us. He said that I should "know" that they were behind us and trying to "mess with him" by walking behind us (without him having to tell me anything) and that I should have taken it upon myself to avoid them (to avoid him trouble) but instead he had to "tell" me to make a left turn and this made him look stupid.

 

I guess a way to explain this is that he thinks that you always have to shield your partner from the opposite sex. Wherever we go in public there will inevitably be guys looking at me and girls looking at him. So the best way to protect each other is to always walk straight, never make eye contact with anyone, and show each other we belong to each other; for example, if there is a female cashier, he will hug me to show her that I am his, and he expects me to do the same.

 

My bf claims that I am too inexperienced and that's why I don't know the proper way to take care of him. We are both in our mid 20's btw. His opinion is that everywhere you go in public it's basically a jungle and you always have to be on guard to protect each other. My mistake was to be too preoccupied with shopping and not be aware of my surrounding environment. He claims that some of his friends in the past have gotten into fights and even killed (in shootings) because their girl did not know how to "take care of her man". He claims that I don't take care enough because a few times I have accidentally looked at other men while in public; the thing is that I did not mean to make eye contact, they were just in front of me. The thing is that he believes I should not even looked at all in the first place.

 

Basically his philosophy is that "looking" is the first barrier to cheating. Usually looking does not lead to cheating, but there is always a chance, no matter how tiny, that it will. So thus, it is best to stop it at that level, before it even gets to the "cheating" level. He says that basically it's an animalistic world

out there, and that if you don't do this, you will get "eaten alive", so to speak. But he claims that not everyone knows this, that only people who have

been "through it all" and "experienced a lot", know about this. I've adjusted to his needs though, and I never make eye contact with anyone anymore in public. But at first he was also annoyed because I did not show other men in public that he was mine. For example when we went somewhere where they were a lot of males, I did not immediately hug him or grab his hand, so that the other males would immediately know that I was taken, and that he was my bf. I was wrong in this regard, and I have learned to immediately grab him in public when there are other men around so that he does not feel threatened.

 

Is this a bit extreme you think? Anyone else have experiences with shielding each other in public this much.

[Tony]

It sounds like your boyfriend is a taco short of a combination platter. He may need psychiatric help to see if he has the beginnings of some sort of paranoid disorder. Meanwhile, his ideas are rather radical and you should explain to him in no uncertain terms what you have explained to us here....that the world is the way it is and it's simply not his business to shield you from anything and vice versa. You are perfectly capable of handling yourself.

 

You've got yourself a real doozy here and who knows what other crazy ideas he may harbor in the corner of his mind. Don't put up with this and, further, don't tolerate for a minute his anger when he fails to pull you into the insanity he must own all by himself. You need to tread very carefully around this dude.

[sami]

I totally agree with you Tony. You always hit it right on the head. The man is sick.

[CurvyGurl]

Sounds like he needs a psych consult.... I can only see this getting worse

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Tony

It sounds like your boyfriend is a taco short of a combination platter. He may need psychiatric help to see if he has the beginnings of some sort of paranoid disorder.

 

he could just have a paranoid personality type w/o a mental anomaly. just cause you are wierd or strange doesn't mean you are mentally ill.

 

but he would need to see a Dr. to make a determination.

[JoL]

Umm..your boyfriend sounds, besides being potentially psychologically ill, paranoid and controlling..and I would say yes, quite possibly a bit loopy.

 

Extreme ideas about love and relationships are usually the first sign that a person is unstable or dangerous...is your boyfriend cruel or abusive in other ways as well?

 

Most guys who are this possesive and jealous will progress to other forms of control.

 

He is definately emotionally controlling you and making you too scared to even look other guys in the eye is the first sign of that!

My ex was sort of similar- he would make a big deal about not being too close with people of the opposite sex- eventually i felt like i needed to put a distance between myself and my male friends to keep him happy.

 

It doesnt get any better- trust me- it only gets worse..especially when EYE contact is not allowed..i would suggest you possibly end this relationship before it gets worse. Eventually he will begin to control you more and more..he is already starting with something like eye contact..before you know it you wont be allowed in the same room as other men.

That is the only road i see it going down im afraid.

[DinNJ]

and I would say yes, quite possibly a bit loopy.

 

to say the least.

[SoleMate]

Yup. I'll add my vote to the consensus for "advanced delusional paranoia". I'm sorry. Mental illness in someone you "love" is really a b*tch.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by Tony

It sounds like your boyfriend is a taco short of a combination platter. He may need psychiatric help to see if he has the beginnings of some sort of paranoid disorder. Meanwhile, his ideas are rather radical and you should explain to him in no uncertain terms what you have explained to us here....that the world is the way it is and it's simply not his business to shield you from anything and vice versa. You are perfectly capable of handling yourself.

 

You've got yourself a real doozy here and who knows what other crazy ideas he may harbor in the corner of his mind. Don't put up with this and, further, don't tolerate for a minute his anger when he fails to pull you into the insanity he must own all by himself. You need to tread very carefully around this dude.

 

The thing that I like a lot about him though, is that he is that extreme himself and does not look at other girls when we are in public. In a way it is very flattering because a lot of guys these days are always constantly gawking at other beautiful women all the time, and no female likes that. I think the thing that is making him so upset is that he does it for me, but sometimes I "slip" and don't do the same for him (not on purpose though).

 

We talked it over and he clarified that the reason why he was upset was because I didn't hear him when he told me to make a left turn to get rid of those guys. The thing is that it was loud and crowded in the store, so I just stopped walking and said "What did you say?". He claims that I should have been more alert, especially in public since there are guys all around so I should have heard him the first time.

 

Another example of his strange behaviour was when we went to a restaurant, there was a guy and a girl sitting next to our table. My bf claimed later that

the guy was "talking loud" to whoever he was sitting with (could be his gf) in order to mess with him, because he saw that my bf was with a girl (me). So my bf started to talk back to me real loud. And I was like "Why the hell are you talking so loudly?" And he got upset later because he felt I wasn't

battling the other couple with him by talking back loudly. He claims that his ex gf had no problem ever with taking care of him in public and battling with

him against other people whenever they went out.

 

The thing is that he does have a sort of "paranoid personality in other ways, so you are definitely right about that. I don't want to go into all of it, but he thinks he is sick all the time, and only believes in herbs and claims that the drug administration controls the medical industry and so forth, so the paranoid thing is true. He did see a psych once but he claims all they did was charge a lot of money and did not really listen to him and believe him when he was talking. He of course, does not believe that he has a mental disorder. If I question him, he gets very upset and feels that I am questioning his intelligence. He did lots of test with different doctors and everything came up normal, but he still thinks that he is going to die early, and takes tons of herb pills everyday and I think he is really obsessed with his health. He also comes from a dysfunctional family and I really think that contributed to it. He grew up in a religious household and he claimed that his father used to hit him and once kicked him when he was younger for talking to females, so that's why he stayed away from females and did not lose his virginity until almost his mid-twenties. And he claims that is the reason why he got sick, because he waited so long. So now he blames his father for causing him to get ill. All he does is research about diseases and vitamins all day, i think he is a hypochondriac.

 

Another factor is that his first gf (when he was a teen) cheated on him and slept with someone he knew so that could explain his jealousy. He never had sex with her, but he said after his father hit him, he stopped having girlfriend's and all he did was study and read, and of course he was horny (being a young man) but he had no outlet for his sexual needs, but he held it until he was almost in his mid twenties. Then he went crazy and had a lot of partners for awhile, because he felt that God let him down because he was ill, and the said that he was close to death so he didn't care anymore.

 

The thing is that we don't even know what his illness is. He just says that his head hurts all the time and that his circulation is stuck and not flowing like it should. I don't think I can leave him, because I really love him a lot, but he does really drive me nuts. There is no way I can suggest him seeing a psych.

He will get very offended and mad. Even though he might be a bit mentally unstable, he is not stupid, he is very smart and can argue for himself very well. I cannot convince him of anything, he just does not listen to me, and I don't want to get in any more fights and have it escalate.

[johan]

Wow. Everybody has their hangups, but most people don't let their hangups rule their life. Your boyfriend has a bad combination: hyper-obsessiveness and no ability to laugh about it. You have to figure that this is going to wear you down at some point. It could escalate. Sooner or later you'll be doing perimeter patrols around your home every night before you go to bed. And if you break some unknown rule, you'll be in for it.

 

One good thing about it: it makes for interesting reading.

[moimeme]

cutegirl

 

You are going to end up twisting yourself into knots to live in his paranoid world.

 

We talked it over and he clarified that the reason why he was upset was because I didn't hear him when he told me to make a left turn to get rid of those guys. The thing is that it was loud and crowded in the store, so I just stopped walking and said "What did you say?". He claims that I should have been more alert, especially in public since there are guys all around so I should have heard him the first time.

 

This is irrational. Look out, because people who live in close quarters can adopt the delusions of their delusional partners.

[JoL]

I agree with everyone..you are going to end up very unhappy in his paranoid and tightly controlled world.

 

Believe me on this one- he needs help to get over his hang ups. Whether you are patient enough to wait for him while he gets help is entirely another issue.

It will be draining and very psychologically damaging for you in the future if you stay with him. If he doesnt accept help it will only get worse.

Before you know it he might hit you because you talked to a guy. He might throw tantrums if a guy looks at you. He might hurt someone, himself or you because of something he percieves as a threat (which is just his paranoia)..do you really want to live like this?

[emopunk]

I've experienced more than most would in two lifetimes. I've seen things that would give you nightmares for years. I've heard people's stories... and cringed. And you know what? I still don't see where your boyfriend is coming from.

 

But I will agree that society is a problem, though. Most people nowadays are looking out for nothing but themselves, nand are usually looking for a quick '"fix" (apply that in any way you feel like.) But as far as your boyfriend's perspective is concerned... yeah, I'd say that's extreme. Not necessarily indicitive of mental disorder, but definitely a sign of several insecurities.

 

The world can be a rough place, but you can still live in relative peace.

[nugirl]

Your boyfriend sounds like he has mental problems.

[tiki]

Wow. Okay. I'm a little baffled, it's very extreme. I can see how it started out as a hang-up with maybe men looking at women (or women looking at men). Some religions, including mine, constitute 'wanting' or 'lusting after' with the eyes adultery. And I'm sure you'll all heard references to the 'cut out your own eye if you commit adultery with your eyes' thing.

 

It's almost like dude has a phsyco spin on this concept though. And I can see where it'd get out of control...but this...this is over the top.

 

My first question, is what religion is he? Is he muslim? Are your women dressed with veils over their faces? I'm assuming not, but I guess it could be a possibility.

 

This bothered me.....(along with other statements, but this was almost contradictory).................

Originally posted by cutegirl

He claims that I should have been more alert, especially in public since there are guys all around so I should have heard him the first time.

 

Stay alert but make no eye contact? Huuuuuhhhh?

 

I (again) think it's over the top. This guy sounds like he needs counseling. I can see some points from a religious standpoint, but it seems extreme. But I may not be familiar with his culture/religion.

 

I'd be curious to hear Moose's take on this, from a religious perspective. Calling moose, calling all moose.

 

 

Please keep us updated.

[Moose]

Did I hear someone calling me?

 

What you're describing sound just like my 15 year old. He runs to the encyclopedias as soon as he gets home from school, looks cancer up, luekemia, whatever he, thinks, he has at the time. After he reads it, he'll swear up and down that he has all the symptoms, and even behaves like he does. He knows I have parkinson's, sometimes he'll walk up to me and hold his hands out.....if he's shaking the tiniest bit, he'll ask me if I think he has it and will ask me if we should start injections together......it's frustrating because we spend a lot of hours explaining to him that there isn't anything wrong with him.

 

He has had paraniod dillusions in public as well. There've been times we'd have to leave the grocery store because he'd swear the stockers are spies out to get him. He'd hyper-venhilate and sometimes go into a full blown panic attack.

 

We've tried paxil, (That made him violent), we've tried siniquam, we now have him on wellabutrin. He's doing a heck of a lot better now under his meds. That and I've started a sort of a secret agency between him and I. We, "work", for an "intellegience agency",.....(I know, sounds corny, but I love my son and I'll do anything to help him feel better about himself). Anyway, I bought him a prepaid cell phone, some black clothes, and put him through a "training", program to make him a laid back, calm, smart agent, (code name "shadow").

 

Call me crazy, or unconventional, but his behavior has changed for the most part. And his grades have improved dramatically.

 

I know these methods are probably something you wouldn't use on a 20 something year old, but, you are the closest one to him right now. You can introduce him to a new way of thinking. You can convince him that there are new ways to combat these other males, and keep your safeguard from infidelity intact, even if you make direct contact with the other sex. Act like you two are working from the inside, and the only to convince the enemy is to behave, normally. It's imparitive that you do make eye contact sometimes to learn more about the enemy and ways to defeat them. It's a cloak and dagger routine until he's comfortable enough with you to trust your decisions and actions.

 

I know it sounds ridiculous, and you don't have to go to some of the extremes that I described. But little hints and suggestions every now and then would gain his trust in you.

 

I know that I was asked my opinion from a religous standpoint. I don't think it's a religous based problem. It may of had something to do, a little, with his security issues, but not with his behavior.

 

Anyway, that's my take on this. It's help my son, but I don't know you or him, so I hope this helped.

[meejessica]

Wake up... Get out now while you can.

 

Question…. What religion is he?

 

 

In a way I understand what he wants but its not normal. When I think of your situation I think about you getting beat at home when you accidentally looked some guy in the eye. Which by the way eye contact is a very good thing to know how to do. It shows you have confidence in yourself. Anyway so yea I think that if you stay w/ him your taking the risk of ending up being killed by your psycho lover. Your face on the 10 o’clock news your bf being filmed taken into custody because of a jealous violent rage.

 

If he is not this way sorry to be extreme but it’s a scary things and what your going through w/ him now, you saying you have learned how to not look people in the eyes and how you just have to adapt to his “not normal” ways are all warning signs that this relationship is one to run far away from.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Good luck

 

~Jess

 

P.S. Be careful it could make him mad that your telling people about this, asking for advice on the computer. In his eyes this could be a form of disrespect. : ( It is not though. If it did make him mad that your on the computer asking this question that‘s another sign that you need to get out of your relationship w/ him.

 

The main thing is when you say he gets mad at you, I think what kind of mad? Does he mentally or physically abuse you. Name calling anything like that? Does he make you uncomfortable, or scared? If so LEAVE !!!! & never look back.

 

If not, & he’s nice about it and is just telling you his feelings than that’s a good sign.

 

~Jess

[color=indigo][/color]

[dan123]

Your BF is probably a unconfident looser that got lucky with you and never wants to loose you cause he knows he will never get laid without you again.

Either way he needs to grow up, that is NOT the way it works in the real world, nor is that any way to live.

 

I bet you tell your BF, sorry i dont want to be with you unless you never talk about stupid crap like that again he will cry on his knees for you and say OK.

 

yea control freak, it's plain and simple, a couple that is confident in eachother, loyal to eachother, has trust in eachother would never have to worry about dumb stuff like that, if you dont have that and obviously you dont, get out of that lame relationship, your just asking for wasted years of your life when you can be doing other things.

 

The man wants to break a quick left when he sences two men walking behind you guys, what a weener! is that someone you want to be able to depend on to protect you if need be, he'd probably run and save his own butt rather than protect you.

 

If you can say to yourself "he wants me to be his robot and automaticlly know everything and see everything he sees" you got to know he has seriouse problems, I would either threatens to leave until he gets help or just leave and find someone else without psychological baggage.

[WalkingTall]

It's all about control... I believe that he has to control everything... leave nothing to chance. I am not in a position to tell you what you should do, that I leave up to you to decide. But as said previously, the warning signs are immense. Isn't life and love a crapshoot at it's basic level? There are no guarantees in life and part of the excitement of love is the unknown. Every day can bring a new high to the feelings you share with each other, falling in love anew each and everyday. This can only be done by 2 equal individuals.

 

It sounds as though he has an issue with the unknown. Control over you is one way to keep everything the way it is.... ie: no chance of change, growth, losing you, whatever it is. This is shown in his obsessive behavior with his health.

 

My idea of a relationship is being partners.... loving the other for everything that they are. You seem to be doing that for him, which I find highly commendable, but can you say he is seeing you as an equal? Are your thoughts, desires, needs and fears being heard?

 

Can you see a progression of his behavior? Has it evolved over time? You have to ask yourself if you are comfortable in his world, because the world you see today could change into the nightmare you dread tomorrow.

 

Your idea of a relationship, do you see what you have right now as that "ideal relationship"? Does your heart desire more?

 

There are definitely serious issues and psychosis at work here, and without help........... Just be careful.

[cutegirl]

Thanks for all your responses... As for religion, my bf is not religious at all, even the opposite.... It has nothing to do with religion, neither of us are religious, we don't go to church ever, and don't plan to either. Someone commented on how I dress? I always wear lowriders and tight clothes, high heels, I'm not conservative at all. I always dress trendy. Actually he is pretty liberal , we watch porn together all the time... We both are not into any religion AT ALL whatsoever. And I don't ever plan on becoming religious either... lol He is not Muslim or middle eastern. It has nothing to do with culture, he was born here. I would never date someone who is extremely religious (in any faith) because I am not into any of that at all. And my bf is not into any religion at all.

 

This is how he explained why he thinks the way he does to me:

 

He said that when he was single, he would sometimes go to the mall by himself for example, and when there is a couple, sometimes the girl would look at HIM when she was walking with her boyfriend, but even though she was attached she would still check him out. So he says that when I am with him, sometimes people will try to "steal" his attention away from me, or "steal" my attention away from him, but if you pay attention to your lover, you should not let them try and do that. He also said that it's usually the unattractive men who do this, because the good looking ones go to the club to pick up girls. But the ones who are unattractive cannot compete with the good looking people at the clubs, so they try and "mess" with couples at places like the mall or grocery stores because that's the only place where they can get attention. He considers himself good looking, so he says that the unattractive men always try to "mess" with him because they are jealous, and they can't compete with guys equivalent on his level in a social gathering where you are "supposed" to pick up members of the opposite sex in places like clubs and bars.

 

I know it's all bull, but I admit when I was single I would always dress up too and see if I can get attention from other males because it's an ego boost. So my bf is saying that everyone around us is doing the same thing, they are trying to get our attention to make themselves feel better, and if we "look" or "make eye contact" we are giving them what they want.

[moimeme]

So?

 

Sorry, but this 'explanation' doesn't cut it. Worrying *that* much about all this is still a great big waving red flag.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by meejessica

Wake up... Get out now while you can.

 

 

The main thing is when you say he gets mad at you, I think what kind of mad? Does he mentally or physically abuse you. Name calling anything like that? Does he make you uncomfortable, or scared?

~Jess

[color=indigo][/color]

 

When he gets mad that I looked at someone, he just says that I want new "dic-" (not sure if it's ok to post 4 letter words here, but the last letter is a "k" lol... That if I am sick of him, than just let him know so he can move on. He just bitches on and on for a long time...

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by WalkingTall

It's all about control... I believe that he has to control everything... leave nothing to chance. I am not in a position to tell you what you should do, that I leave up to you to decide. But as said previously, the warning signs are immense. Isn't life and love a crapshoot at it's basic level? There are no guarantees in life and part of the excitement of love is the unknown. Every day can bring a new high to the feelings you share with each other, falling in love anew each and everyday. This can only be done by 2 equal individuals.

 

It sounds as though he has an issue with the unknown. Control over you is one way to keep everything the way it is.... ie: no chance of change, growth, losing you, whatever it is. This is shown in his obsessive behavior with his health.

 

My idea of a relationship is being partners.... loving the other for everything that they are. You seem to be doing that for him, which I find highly commendable, but can you say he is seeing you as an equal? Are your thoughts, desires, needs and fears being heard?

 

Can you see a progression of his behavior? Has it evolved over time? You have to ask yourself if you are comfortable in his world, because the world you see today could change into the nightmare you dread tomorrow.

 

Your idea of a relationship, do you see what you have right now as that "ideal relationship"? Does your heart desire more?

 

There are definitely serious issues and psychosis at work here, and without help........... Just be careful.

 

In a way it it is equal, because when I tell him not to go to strip clubs or clubbing, he listens to me and I like that. He does treat me better than my ex, because my ex used to go to strip clubs without taking me (when I wanted to come along too) and he would lie about it. My ex also didn't like to spend a lot of time with me, only once a week usually. My current bf, although a bit psycho in the head.. lol, always listens to me when I tell him stuff and spends just about everyday to me. He also treats me more like a princess, gives me massages, cleans my house and my car for me sometimes and cooks for me... The only thing that bugs me about him is the hypochondria and getting so mad over accidental eye contact ...

 

If it weren't for those 2 factors I stated above he would be my ideal mate. Other than that he really gets on my nerves. I do know he sees me as an equal because I make a lot more money than he does, and I am even helping him get into the business that I am. So obviously he has to listen to me when I am teaching him stuff... It's just the jealousy thing that is getting on my last nerve.

[Craig]

Your BF is crazy and possibly dangerous. Wake up.

 

What evidence does he have to support his beliefs? Has he taken any polls?

[JoL]

If i looked in the wrong direction my abusive-crazy-ex would think i was scoping out some guy. If a guy danced next to me at a club, he thought i was cheating on him with that guy.

 

It got to the stage where he lost the plot and every guy that came near me was after me. Wake up girl. This guy is bad bad news. His jealousy is out of control- and it is going to get worse..it always does.