Is this too extreme? Making sure to shield your lover from "predators" in public...

[cutegirl]

Also another thing my bf said is that if HE himself actually looked back at a girl when she is trying to make eye contact with him, she would probably say hi to him and they would end up talking... and that could lead to cheating. So that's why he never looks and he wants me to do the same.

 

The odd thing is that he is actually good looking. You would think that someone that insecure and obsessive would me unattractive, but for some reason a lot fo people like him and he's popular. I guess it's because a lot of people don't know how weird he is, because you have to spend a lot of time with him in order to find out (which is what I did). Also sometimes people think he is "being funny" or being a

"smart ass" when he says crazy outlandish stuff, but the thing is that he is serious... they just don't think he is....

[cutegirl]

I did find somewhat of a solution to deal with this. I always go places by myself now, such as shopping for clothes, buying groceries.. etc..

 

When I went to Starbucks this morning, I just told him to wait in the car, and left my key in the engine so he is stuck waiting for me. This

way there are no conlicts and confrontations, I would just rather go alone and save myself the headache...

[SoleMate]

Enjoy your time with your disturbed boyfriend. You won't even notice as his paranoid delusions and psychoses slowly become your own. His behavior will start to seem normal and reasonable. You will lose the ability to see the problems with his thought patterns.

[meejessica]

This

way there are no conflicts and confrontations, I would just rather go alone and save myself the headache...

 

 

Wow, to me it’s sad that the fact you even have to do/say that above is amazing you're still in this relationship. Normal people would not stay in a relationship just for that right there; you have to do things alone to avoid confrontations, conflicts, and the headache.

It’s also sad to see you defend him so much, that tells me "I could be wrong" but it tells "me" that you are the type to take advice but never will you act on it until "you" finally open your eyes and see for yourself that this guys rules are not normal and scary. : ( Life is too short to live that way "miserably” make your self happy. I wish you luck!

[Hund1976]

I think you know deep down that he isn't acting normal. You have to decide whether you want to live your life like this.

[dan123]

whats sad is the bf tries to make her feel like she is the one with the issues.

I know someone kinda like that and there is just no talking to those kind of people, they think they are perfectly normal and everyone else has the problems, having to live or be with someone like that would be completely miserable, they always try to win arguments, make you feel like you have problems ect...

 

Get out while you can, your relationship will go nowhere.

[JoL]

My god cutegirl..you are EXACTLY where i was a few months ago. It was just easier not to look around the room, not to make eye contact with anyone, not to talk to anyone my ex didnt know.

 

It is NO WAY to live.

I know you won't listen to us, i didn't listen to people either..or my own instincts. It took me a year to realise he was unbalanced and his way of life was NO WAY to live.

I had healthy relationships before him and i STILL tolerated his mind games.

 

You wont' leave him until you are ready- i know it. I can scream, beg and plead with you till im blue in the face and you won't listen.

This guy is bad news, please don't forget the advice you have recieved here.

His way of looking at life is warped, and you are accepting it- therefore reinforcing in his mind that what he is doing is ok.

He is bad bad bad bad news...it will get worse..IT ALWAYS DOES.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by Craig

Your BF is crazy and possibly dangerous. Wake up.

 

What evidence does he have to support his beliefs? Has he taken any polls?

]

 

Well, his belief is that if you don't look, than the other party won't approach you or start a conversation with you, but if you look, then that could give them a chance to smile and start a conversation with you. Yes, I DO realize that his behaviour is delusional and not "normal", but isn't the above true? That if you look that gives an opportunity for "something" to happen, whatever that something may be. But that if you don't look, there is no chance for anything to ever even start. Can someone pls tell me how this is not true?

[moimeme]

Well, his belief is that if you don't look, than the other party won't approach you or start a conversation with you, but if you look, then that could give them a chance to smile and start a conversation with you.

 

So? Next you'll be forbidden from watching TV or going on the Web because there are pictures of men and you might think of other men. You won't be allowed to go to stores or get gas. You'll have to cancel the papers because there are photos of men. Really, your only hope is to go build yourselves a hut someplace up in the wilds of Alaska or something. Hunt and fish for a living and grow your own veggies.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by moimeme

So? Next you'll be forbidden from watching TV or going on the Web because there are pictures of men and you might think of other men. You won't be allowed to go to stores or get gas. You'll have to cancel the papers because there are photos of men. Really, your only hope is to go build yourselves a hut someplace up in the wilds of Alaska or something. Hunt and fish for a living and grow your own veggies.

 

Me and bf already discussed this and he means men in "real life" not tv or magazines or newspapers. We both watch porn together all the time, so obviously we are watching members of the opposite sex, and naked no less, in explicit action, and I am watching naked men, and that does not bother him at all. Because obviously there is no chance of me actually interacting with a dude in a porn and cheating with him. Or the same for men in magazines or newspapers on tv.

 

This only applies to men in real life where we can actually interact and actually have the chance the cheat. Such as at the grocery store, shopping malls, etc...

[Craig]

Well, his belief is that if you don't look, than the other party won't approach you or start a conversation with you, but if you look, then that could give them a chance to smile and start a conversation with you.

It takes two to tango cutegirl. You can look, you can accept a smile from someone but in the end it is up to you to accept or reject further advances (if any advances actually come from the person that smiled at you.)

 

But that if you don't look, there is no chance for anything to ever even start. Can someone pls tell me how this is not true?[

If you don't allow anything to start, then nothing can start. Therefore you have all the power (you always have.)

 

Fast forward a few years . . . "if you don't go to work then there is no chance for anything to ever start." or "if your BF doesn't cover the windows and lock you up when he goes to work then there is no chance for anything to start." What's next? A chastity belt???!!!

 

If you don't believe this then Moimeme is absolutely correct and you should take her advice . . .

Your only hope is to go build yourselves a hut someplace up in the wilds of Alaska or something. Hunt and fish for a living and grow your own veggies.

[moimeme]

cutegirl

 

you're already getting caught up in his paranoia. Everybody's told you this is a bad thing and that this would happen. Keep on making excuses for him. This is an extreme example, but how do you think Charles Manson got women to kill for him? Same type of thing. You stick with someone crazy long enough, and you start believing his craziness is sane.

[Craig]

Originally posted by cutegirl

This only applies to men in real life where we can actually interact and actually have the chance the cheat. Such as at the grocery store, shopping malls, etc...

Forget delusion and abnormal control issues, what about trust? Isn't trust important in a relationship?

[JoL]

I totally agree with you moimeme...because i WAS THERE MYSELF..!!

 

I would make excuses for his irrational behaviour, i would even DEFEND his paranoia..because i thought I was the one with the problem..!!!!!!!

 

He has gotten to you- big time- you are actually believing his insane outlook on life.

I know plenty of people who socialise with the opposite sex...and NOTHING EVER HAPPENS.

 

Hell, i know plenty of guys who NEVER look at other girls, and who have cheated!

 

Looking does not equal the path to cheating.

Cheating is a phenomenon far removed from simply looking at another person..it involves the desire to WANT to do it in the first place.

Your boyfriend needs to get a grip.

And in the process leg go of the one he has on you.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by Craig

It takes two to tango cutegirl. You can look, you can accept a smile from someone but in the end it is up to you to accept or reject further advances (if any advances actually come from the person that smiled at you.)

 

 

Fast forward a few years . . . "if you don't go to work then there is no chance for anything to ever start." or "if your BF doesn't cover the windows and lock you up when he goes to work then there is no chance for anything to start." What's next? A chastity belt???!!!

 

 

Me and my bf already talked about this in depth and his point of view is that school and work is different and he told me so. He means different setting such as grocery tores, malls, anywhere in public that is not work/school related.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by JoL

I totally agree with you moimeme...because i WAS THERE MYSELF..!!

 

Hell, i know plenty of guys who NEVER look at other girls, and who have cheated!

 

 

I know my bf is wrong and I am not defending. But this statement does not seem right, because the guy who cheated must have "looked" at the girl he cheated with, to see her in order to cheat in the first place. But if he never EVER looked, then he wouldn't have seen the girl that he cheated with... Isn't this true though?

[Craig]

Originally posted by cutegirl

Me and my bf already talked about this in depth and his point of view is that school and work is different and he told me so. He means different setting such as grocery tores, malls, anywhere in public that is not work/school related.

cutegirl, people can and do have affairs at school or work. Can you tell me this isn't true?

 

So how is school and work different from the grocery store. I see plenty of posts on LS from people who start affairs at work and some that start in school. I can not recall one post where an affair started in a grocery store.

 

You and your guy like to watch porn together, try this, get a porn video that depicts a teacher having sex with his students (at school) and watch it with your BF. I wonder if your BF's point of view on school would change?

 

I don't know a lot about porn but aren't they completely concerned with sex? Easy, fast sex? Sex that starts with just a "look?" Is your BF confusing porn movies with real life?

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by Craig

cutegirl, people can and do have affairs at school or work. Can you tell me this isn't true?

 

So how is school and work different from the grocery store. I see plenty of posts on LS from people who start affairs at work and some that start in school. I can not recall one post where an affair started in a grocery store.

 

You and your guy like to watch porn together, try this, get a porn video that depicts a teacher having sex with his students (at school) and watch it with your BF. I wonder if your BF's point of view on school would change?

 

I don't know a lot about porn but aren't they completely concerned with sex? Easy, fast sex? Sex that starts with just a "look?" Is your BF confusing porn movies with real life?

 

School and work in his opinion is different because at those settings you HAVE to interact with members of the opposite sex. At work you have to cooperate with co-workers, at school sometimes you work in groups...etc... So what my bf meant is that in those instances sometimes you have no choice to interact with members of the opposite sex, so in that case it is ok for both us to do so. But in other settings like the store or at the mall there is no need. Of course people can have affairs at

 

As for porn, that has nothing to do with this. I only brought it up because someone wrote that my boyfriend will forbid me to look at men on magazines, newspapers and on tv. I brought up porn to prove the point that this is not true. I always look at men in magazines, and on tv. AND in porn. That's all I meant. Someone was suggesting that he will control EVERYTHING that I view that has to do with men. So I brought up porn to prove this is not true. His only concern is with people in REAL LIFE.

 

As for porn depicting a college girl having sex with her professor, that is make-belief and not real. I think we have watched a scene like that before... lol

 

My bf just means that if I HAVE to talk to a guy at work or school than that's ok. but in the mall or something I really have no important reason to. While work and school is different because it is important. He means that if you don't interact in setting where you don't HAVE to then there is a smaller chance of cheating, even though there ALWAYS is a chance, it just lessens it.

[moimeme]

cutegirl

 

This is still craziness. Utter and complete craziness. The illogic is even crazier.

if you don't interact in setting where you don't HAVE to then there is a smaller chance of cheating

If you're going to have an affair, you'll do it with someone you know, not with a stranger. Did you not read what anybody has said? Kazillions of affairs start at work. You know very well he's being illogical and ridiculous. You must be so terrified of being alone that you'll put up with anything to have this guy.

 

This *will* get worse, wierder, and more controlling. And no, he makes absolutely no sense. Whatsoever.

 

I only brought it up because someone wrote that my boyfriend will forbid me to look at men on magazines, newspapers and on tv. I brought up porn to prove the point that this is not true

 

So far.

 

As for porn depicting a college girl having sex with her professor, that is make-belief and not real

 

Honey, I know of two profs who divorced their wives and married students. And that was out of about 10 profs that I had. I have known of profs' wives who lost their spouses to students. It happens all the time.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by moimeme

cutegirl

 

This is still craziness. Utter and complete craziness. The illogic is even crazier.If you're going to have an affair, you'll do it with someone you know, not with a stranger. Did you not read what anybody has said? Kazillions of affairs start at work. You know very well he's being illogical and ridiculous. You must be so terrified of being alone that you'll put up with anything to have this guy.

 

This *will* get worse, wierder, and more controlling. And no, he makes absolutely no sense. Whatsoever.

 

 

 

So far.

 

 

 

Honey, I know of two profs who divorced their wives and married students. And that was out of about 10 profs that I had. I have known of profs' wives who lost their spouses to students. It happens all the time.

 

But what do you think of the fact that he himself doesn't look at other females though? I know he is extreme, but I've never been with a guy who was able to not look. For example, with my ex, if a gorgeous supermodel type would walk by he couldn't help it but look ( I know it's normal for guys to look and that they can't help it). But the guy I am with right now NEVER looks, no matter how hot the babe is, he only pays attention to me. And I must admit that I kind of like that, because I would always argue with my ex if he was checking out other females in front of me. The guy I am with right now may be a bit looney, but he never looks and he spends all of his time with me.

 

I guess in a way, I am not positive if his behaviour is normal or not. You all keep telling me it's NOT normal, (perhaps I've been brainwashed or something lol) but I keep thinking maybe it's "ok", people are just different in how extreme they are. I mean some guys don't like it when their girlfriend flirts with other guys, my guy just draws the line at looking. So everyone just has different boundaries. Does that really mean that he is nuts?

[emopunk]

You're asking a bunch of people who ,pretty much anonymously ask for advice for some of their most intimate issues on a web forum, if a type of behavior is normal?

 

All joking aside cutegirl, the only one who can really determine if your boyfriend is a bit looney is you. You said it yourself that someone really has to get to know him to see his more interesting side. The fact is, we don't know him. All we know is what we have experienced, and that causes virtually all of us to project our opinions and life experiences on to your situation. We all come from different environments and frequently different cultures. To most here, it seems that your boyfriend is in fact, not normal. To them.

 

As for your willingness to "put up" with him... is that really what it is? Is it an effort to stay with him? Or are you generally happy, but for this one issue? Everybody has personality quirks. It's learning to adapt and accept those quirks, within reason and safety, that makes a relationship work. It's the ability to compromise and work with each other that is what love is all about. The storybook romances aren't common, though they do happen. Most of us have to work for a relationship. You just have to make sure that both sides are putting forth an equal effort.

 

Talk to him about and see if he's willing to compromise or see another point of view. If he is, then you know it's a go. If not, well... Deal with that if you have to!

[tiki]

The weird twist is that it's 'okay' for them to watch porn together. WTF?!

[moimeme]

Yes, if you prefer to go places alone to avoid the aggravation and arguments, it's abnormal. It is the illogic behind the behaviour more than the behaviour that twigs you to the underlying problem.

[d'Arthez]

My two cents on the situation, and I hope they are beneficial to you, cutegirl.

 

School and work in his opinion is different because at those settings you HAVE to interact with members of the opposite sex. At work you have to cooperate with co-workers, at school sometimes you work in groups...etc... So what my bf meant is that in those instances sometimes you have no choice to interact with members of the opposite sex, so in that case it is ok for both us to do so. But in other settings like the store or at the mall there is no need. Of course people can have affairs at.

No this is actually not the case. Some industries are still women only (preparing fish?), or practically women only. You don't need a degree for that kind of work. A lot of affairs start at work or at school, and when your boyfriend would see the numbers he'd rather have you not attending mixed-sex schools and prefer uni-sex work for you.

 

The truth is that a paranoid person can develop a highly rational view of the world based upon one or two highly irrational premises. Your boyfriend starts with such an unreasonable premise. I can say I am a Martian and am the rightful ruler of this planet. No matter how strongly I would believe that, it does not imply that my thoughts are rational. Everybody from the outside can see I don't make any sense, but I myself (if I believed) cannot see the absurdity of my thought processes.

As for porn, that has nothing to do with this. I only brought it up because someone wrote that my boyfriend will forbid me to look at men on magazines, newspapers and on tv. I brought up porn to prove the point that this is not true. I always look at men in magazines, and on tv. AND in porn. That's all I meant. Someone was suggesting that he will control EVERYTHING that I view that has to do with men. So I brought up porn to prove this is not true. His only concern is with people in REAL LIFE.

He still controls everything that has to do with men in real life. Porn is video-material, and not real. If however, your boyfriend rented a stripper to perform for you, you had a valid point.

As for porn depicting a college girl having sex with her professor, that is make-belief and not real. I think we have watched a scene like that before... lol

Which proves that you don't consider porn a real life interaction. Which also proves that because you share the same delusion as your boyfriend, he tries to control every interaction you have with men. It's actually a pretty common occurance, that someone who is paranoid also infects the people who live close around him. And it is not difficult to find the root of this paranoia, it is connected with cheating.

 

My bf just means that if I HAVE to talk to a guy at work or school than that's ok. but in the mall or something I really have no important reason to. While work and school is different because it is important. He means that if you don't interact in setting where you don't HAVE to then there is a smaller chance of cheating, even though there ALWAYS is a chance, it just lessens it.

Another worrying sign is that your boyfriend seems to believe that every female wants to have sex with him, and every male sex with you. Of course that is not true. I haven't read all your posts, but it's probably true that he considers it the only true love in the world, and the only way true love can exist. And everything that might stain your relationship should be avoided. Think of the other ideals he has for a relationship, and see for yourself.

But what do you think of the fact that he himself doesn't look at other females though? I know he is extreme, but I've never been with a guy who was able to not look. For example, with my ex, if a gorgeous supermodel type would walk by he couldn't help it but look ( I know it's normal for guys to look and that they can't help it). But the guy I am with right now NEVER looks, no matter how hot the babe is, he only pays attention to me. And I must admit that I kind of like that, because I would always argue with my ex if he was checking out other females in front of me. The guy I am with right now may be a bit looney, but he never looks and he spends all of his time with me.

I am a guy and never had problems with forming male-female friendships, nor with keeping them proper. I never have been caught staring at some "hot babe." My friends have joked one time that they should lock me in a room with a super-model, and that the first person to grow desperate for some action would be the super-model. Unless of course we discovered we would be suitable for a LTR, and were both available.

 

Even though at first sight it seems commendable that he does not look at other women, you must understand that the reason behind his behavior is just as important. Sorry for the seemingly strange reference:

from the Tao-te-Ching:

When virtue is lost, benevolence appears, when benevolence is lost right conduct appears, when right conduct is lost, expedience appears. Expediency is the mere shadow of right and truth; it is the beginning of disorder.

 

He is so afraid that either of you might cheat, he imposes the most drastic measures to prevent the cheating. But he is a long shot from being virtuous. You are so frightened you might not behave virtuously, while you are a long shot away from behaving virtuously.

 

Deep down in your heart, and in your posts you know your boyfriend is not completely healthy. As other posters noted, love can make you blind for the faults of a person.

 

I wish the best for you, cutegirl.

[Podna]

OK I am going to go just a little against the grain here and say that I don’t think your bf is crazy. Most people here seem to think that he is crazy, but there is nowhere near enough information to come to that conclusion, and even if there where, I doubt there is anyone here who is qualified to make such a diagnonsense. It is all nothing but opinions and speculation. So now I am here to give you my own opinion and speculation which is probably just as useless.

 

I think your bf is rationalizing his insecurities and lack of trust for you.

 

His insecurities:

He fears that he will lose you. He understands that there are lots of guys out there who constantly think about sex and finding someone to have it with. He feels so inadequate about himself that any male interaction on your part might lead to you finding someone else who is better and leaving him in the dust. (If you have eye contact with someone that is the first step to cheating) So to protect himself he has constructed this rather strange social behavior model for you to follow to limit the chances of this happening. He follows the same model so that you will also follow it, to lead by example, so to speak.

 

His lack of trust in you:

As moimeme so adequately put it in another thread he seems to, “…think that if a man sets his mind on getting a woman into bed, she has nothing to say in it, and can only helplessly comply.” Though I have often wished this weren’t true, it is true. Your bf is probably correct in the idea that if you never look a man in the eye the chances are small that you will ever have sex with him. This does not mean that just because you DO have eye contact, or even a conversation, that you WILL have an affair with him. It all boils down to having trust in your partner. If you trust her, you will allow her to talk to other men. If you don’t, you will be less inclined to do so.

 

One more thing that I think I will mention is that his behavior in the mall (or wherever it was) may not be as strange as people seem to think it is. I have seen, on occasion, groups of adolescent males walking around gawking and making explicit comments about women, whether they were with a man or not. Some ‘old school’ men feel the need to protect their ladies from that kind of behavior, which in today’s society can be hazardous to his health. He may have gotten some kind of paranoid vibe from those guys and wanted you to turn to avoid a potential conflict. Now, of course, I don’t really know if that is what he was doing or not, but it is a possible explanation.

 

I will close by quoting emopunk who probably gave (imho) the best advice here:

 

 

Originally posted by emopunk

...the only one who can really determine if your boyfriend is a bit looney is you. You said it yourself that someone really has to get to know him to see his more interesting side. The fact is, we don't know him. All we know is what we have experienced, and that causes virtually all of us to project our opinions and life experiences on to your situation. We all come from different environments and frequently different cultures. To most here, it seems that your boyfriend is in fact, not normal. To them.

 

...Everybody has personality quirks. It's learning to adapt and accept those quirks, within reason and safety, that makes a relationship work. It's the ability to compromise and work with each other that is what love is all about. The storybook romances aren't common, though they do happen. Most of us have to work for a relationship. You just have to make sure that both sides are putting forth an equal effort.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck.