Is this too extreme? Making sure to shield your lover from "predators" in public...

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by tiki

The weird twist is that it's 'okay' for them to watch porn together. WTF?!

 

I don't see what's so "weird" about us watching porn, it's perfectly healthy and normal. It doesn' bother him because obviously we can't sleep with people on a tv screen, whether they are porn actors or real actors. It's not like I am going to really see them in person so it is not a threat. Whereas men in "real life" settings where we can actually interact with each other verbally and physically are "real people" with whom we could cheat. I don't understand why people are hung up over the fact that me and my boyfriend watch porn together.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by Podna

OK I am going to go just a little against the grain here and say that I don’t think your bf is crazy. Most people here seem to think that he is crazy, but there is nowhere near enough information to come to that conclusion, and even if there where, I doubt there is anyone here who is qualified to make such a diagnonsense. It is all nothing but opinions and speculation. So now I am here to give you my own opinion and speculation which is probably just as useless.

 

One more thing that I think I will mention is that his behavior in the mall (or wherever it was) may not be as strange as people seem to think it is. I have seen, on occasion, groups of adolescent males walking around gawking and making explicit comments about women, whether they were with a man or not. Some ‘old school’ men feel the need to protect their ladies from that kind of behavior, which in today’s society can be hazardous to his health. He may have gotten some kind of paranoid vibe from those guys and wanted you to turn to avoid a potential conflict. Now, of course, I don’t really know if that is what he was doing or not, but it is a possible explanation.

 

I will close by quoting emopunk who probably gave (imho) the best advice here:

 

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Yes, this is exactly what my bf means. He means that if we go to the mall to shop, for example, we should concentrate on just shopping and not looking around and scoping everyone out, checking who's hotter than who, because that's what little kids do. And sometimes if someone who's part of a couple looks at another person who is walking as a couple that could lead to fights or trouble. For example if I accidentally look at a guy, and if that guy is with a girl, that girl might come up to me and be like " Why are you looking at man?" And that could start trouble. Especially when we hang around places that aren't too high class and there are people who are rather "ghetto-ish" or gangster-type people, lol, that could potentially happen. This is also what he means by avoiding trouble. Sometimes when we go to certain places there are lots of young kids around 18, 19, or 20 who think they are "tough" and ready to fight and cause trougle, and are probably carrying guns around... I live in Orange County, but some places around are still ghetto-ish and there's lots of gangste-wannabes around.

 

My bf also means exactly what you said, about a bunch of guys just walking around at the mall for example, and just scoping all the hot girls out, whether the girls are alone or with their boyfriends, and this is exactly what pisses him off. He says they are trying to start trouble by looking at me and following us around and therefore disrespecting him. I know he is not completely insane because this is true. Like you said, you've seen it happen, and I see it happen all the time. So my bf thinks that if I DO look at those guys while I am with him, I am making him look bad and the guys will make fun of him, because I'm with my bf but checking THEM out instead of paying attention to my man.

[tiki]

Originally posted by cutegirl

I don't understand why people are hung up over the fact that me and my boyfriend watch porn together.

 

Oh no, it's not THAT, "cutegirl", it's the fact that he acts as a human shield to protect you from temptation from others and then you go home, snuggle up on the couch and watch some porn together.

 

As if he's not getting off (sexually) on another woman or their sexual acts onscreen? And you? I'm sure you're getting your rocks off too.

 

It makes no sense. It's a contradiction. If he's there to protect you from all temptation, he should be cutting out the porn too. But nooooo, he likes that.

[glitter-gal]

There is no actual threat of cutegirl leaving her man for the porn star on the tv.... maybe THAT is why he doesn't mind porn. I mean, come on, her man can't be COMPLETELY psycho he's gotta know that the chances of her leaving him for a person at the mall is a MILLION times higher than her leaving him for the TV porn star.... haha! Plus it sounds like he as MAJOR self esteem issues....

 

Seems like all my advice today is for everyone to start journaling and soul searching.... I think I need another cup of coffee, it's early.

[moimeme]

You keep changing your story. You've gone from:

 

He said that I should "know" that they were behind us and trying to "mess with him" by walking behind us

 

Basically his philosophy is that "looking" is the first barrier to cheating.

 

My bf claims that I am too inexperienced and that's why I don't know the proper way to take care of him

 

When he gets mad that I looked at someone, he just says that I want new "dic-" (not sure if it's ok to post 4 letter words here, but the last letter is a "k" lol... That if I am sick of him, than just let him know so he can move on. He just bitches on and on for a long time...

 

So he says that when I am with him, sometimes people will try to "steal" his attention away from me, or "steal" my attention away from him, but if you pay attention to your lover, you should not let them try and do that.

 

This way there are no conlicts and confrontations, I would just rather go alone and save myself the headache...

 

To saying it's really about worrying about someone beating you up for looking at their guy.

 

Basically, you know that his behaviour is problematic or else you wouldn't have posted, however when we confirm that it is problematic, you post again trying to rationalize it to excuse him more so that we'll finally agree that he's perfectly ok. He's not, and neither are you if you are trying to minimize all your initial statements now in order to pretend he's really not all that jealous/fearful/paranoid.

[emopunk]

You keep changing your story.

 

Is possible that the more she thinks about this, the more she figures out? Is it possible that her first post was just a rush of thoughts that occurred too fast to make sense or to seperate and figure out?

 

Or do we expect all initial posts to be a final coherent story/question/though and that all subsequent posts will be clearly defined answers?

 

What the hell is with people anyway? What makes us think that any of us normal? We base our concept of normalcy on what we believe is too wild, too far-fetched, too much of anything for "us." And then we try to smack others upside the head with what we think is right.

 

Do I think that cutegirl's boyfriend is normal? No, I don't. Do I think any one of us is normal? No, I don't.

 

Thankfully we're all different.

[emopunk]

Would I be normal to someone who never makes a mistake typing?

[Podna]

I am very normal and completely sane. The aliens made sure of that before they constructed me.

[moimeme]

Do I think that cutegirl's boyfriend is normal? No, I don't. Do I think any one of us is normal? No, I don't.

 

Thankfully we're all different.

 

Well, once you take the blossoms out of your hair, consider this: controlling behaviour and jealousy are often the first signs of an abuser. And if you'd ever lived with one, you'd realize that it's not just a little 'quirk' of someone who's gloriously different. I think eccentrics are grand. I do not think controlling, jealous behaviour is anything remotely resembling grand.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by tiki

Oh no, it's not THAT, "cutegirl", it's the fact that he acts as a human shield to protect you from temptation from others and then you go home, snuggle up on the couch and watch some porn together.

 

As if he's not getting off (sexually) on another woman or their sexual acts onscreen? And you? I'm sure you're getting your rocks off too.

 

It makes no sense. It's a contradiction. If he's there to protect you from all temptation, he should be cutting out the porn too. But nooooo, he likes that.

 

He doesn't want to protect me from "all temptation", only real-life temptation. Porn is on tv and not real life. Brad Pit is also on tv and not real life. A cute guy with his shirt off in Cosmo magazine is also not real life. We are talking about real life here and not people in "tv land". And I am not

afraid to admit it, I love watching porn too. Porn is obviously not real life. I really don't know how much clearer to explain it.

 

It's not likely that I am going to actually meet a guy i see on a tv screen and really go do him. But obviously I can do people in real-life.

 

It's not a contradiction BECAUSE PORN IS NOT REAL LIFE. Most likely we are never going to run into porn actors or Brad Pitt in real life!

We are only talking about real life here.

[cutegirl]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

To saying it's really about worrying about someone beating you up for looking at their guy.

 

 

I don't know where you got "worrying about someone beating you" from. I've never said that and he would never beat me if I look. The worst he would do is leave me. I don't ever recall writing that on here, and I am not concerned with him "beating" me. It has nothing to do with beating....

I know the worst he would do is tell me to go look for someone else.

[moimeme]

You completely misunderstood what I wrote.

[emopunk]

Well, once you take the blossoms out of your hair...

Ivy, not blossoms. The Celts used ivy.

 

...controlling behaviour and jealousy are often the first signs of an abuser.

Seriously, though, moimeme all I'm saying is this: That is true in most cases, and believe me, I've encountered my fair share (though in a counseling capacity.) But, it is not a universal event. And because it is not a constant, we can't really say one way or the other, because we don't know him. All we know is one perception of him.

 

Could he become like that? Sure that's a possibility for any one. I don't think that its a problem just yet. Sure keep an eye on the situation, but dont go looking for that reality. People tend to make what they believe a reality.

 

And a little bit of jealousy never hurt anyone. In fact, its kind of a reassurance of how someone feels. Though I do think that jealousy actually has very little to do with cutegirl's situation. I think it has far more to do with her boyfriend's mentality.

 

Cutegirl, I do have a question for you though. Do you believe he is controlling you? Think about that carefully. Do you feel you have to do as he asks for him to stay with you? Does he try to guilt you into doing things? A few things you've said, and some of moimeme's comments make me wonder about that.

[emopunk]

I will close by quoting emopunk who probably gave (imho) the best advice here

 

Thanks Podna!

[Hep]

I think he is a smart guy to be honest. Infedelity is increasing and will continue. He knows he loves you and want to be with you. My guy is kinda like that- But he does make eye contact with people. But its more of a "I'm proud shes my lady" type thing.

[opaleye]

I'm gonna say that I don't think that you are in a healthy relationship. He sounds like he is manipulating you and forcing his view of the world on you. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to talk to the cashier at the supermarket or say thank you to the usher who rips your tickets at the movies! He doesn't seem to have any belief in your ability to make decisions for yourself- it's not as if you can't stop yourself from going from a friendly smile to full on flirting and phone sex!

 

I think what Moimeme meant was that he is saying that you aren't allowed to look at other guys in case the other guys girlfriend gets angry that you are looking at her man and proceeds to beat you senseless with her handbag.

 

I seems like you are really trying to justify his extreme views and behaviour and while that is understandable since you love the guy it may also be blinding you to the fact that he is controlling you and limiting your daily experiences. You can't go into the coffee shop and interact normally with others, you can't be polite, you can't wander around a shopping mall absentmindedly because you will be disrespecting him and not taking care of him. Sorry but I wouldn't put up with his behaviour. It would suffocate me. He is trying to own you.

 

Cutegirl- are you seriously considering doing something about his behaviour? You seem to be defending his strange behaviour and I was just wondering whether you actually want his behaviour to change or whether you just want justification that it's normal. That is understandable but if it's possible just try to take a step back and look at this from our perspective- and see how it looks from the outside.