Do I tell him it bothers me -- at bar with friend chatting up female bartender?

June 6, 2014

My bf and I are in an exclusive committed relationship. We work at the same office.

He went to his favorite bar, with his bff, at lunch on a work day and has been drinking there all afternoon -- at this point about 4.5 hours. Another colleague and I went to get a coffee and stopped in to say hi. My bf and his bff are the only two in the place. They were chatting up the female bartender, the only bartender there. When my bf sees me he is surprised but is happy to see me. Chats me and our colleague up, and lightly touches my stomach for a brief second to show affection. My bf asks me to stay, but I say I can't cause I have work to do. When I leave, my bf says goodbye and gives me a warm smile and wink. But he stays there with his bff to continue drinking and chatting with the bartender. Sometime during this 4.5 hours, his bff returns to the office, yet my bf stays at the bar, by himself, with the female bartender, by herself.

My bf's actions makes me feel insecure and anxious. It makes me wonder if he has a thing for this female bartender. I think I feel this way because he hasn't seen me all day, after he sees me at the bar, instead of spending time with me (e.g. walk be back to the office), he stays to continue drinking. Also, I feel this way because the bartender is older and attractive. And my bf and his bff frequent this place. They have befriended this bartender months ago, and her husband, who owns the place. My bf has spent social time with the bartender and her hubby outside of the bar. My bf texts her on her cell, and texts him on his cell. If what my bf says is true, he has joined both at the same time for motorcycle rides, and has golfed with just the husband.

I also feel insecure and anxious because when my bf and I were together last summer, he spent a lot of time with a neighbourhood mom. He would have playdates with her kids together with his kids. He talked a lot about her. Said he thought she was a cool girl. He would text her too on her cell. She has a common law husband. After we got back together, he confessed that a few weeks before we broke up he was open to falling for her. Then a week after we broke up, he emailed a photo of her to his work email. And a month after break up, he was in love with her. He claims he never cheated on me with her while him and I were together. I somehow have my doubts.

Another time, a couple years ago, before my bf and I were together, he spent a lot of time with a student in our office. Coffee every day together, by themselves. They would email each other all the time. Then he finally asked her to do something more -- hang out -- but that he wasn't "pressuring" her into "anything". This email makes it clear he wanted more with her. When I asked him about it one day, he denied any romantic intentions.

I am worried this is a pattern with him. He seems to have no boundaries on what's appropriate. He leaves himself open to other options. If there is trouble in our relationship, or if there is not, and he sees a "cool" girl, he may spend lots of time with her, outside of work, or in inappropriate ways. Then whamo, he's "in love", and he's cheating on me (emotionally, or physically) before he ends things.

He just msg'd me saying he "got a bad vibe" from me when he saw me at the bar. I'm I wore my insecurity on my sleeve.

Should I tell him how it made me feel? If so, what do I say exactly?

Am I overreacting?

Edited June 6, 2014 by beyondcrushed

June 6, 2014

Well, your bf definitely doesn't seem like the really faithful type, and like to flirt and have close connections with multiple women.

He also spends all afternoon drinking in a bar on a workday!!??

BTW, cognitive behavioral teaching is that nothing can "make" you feel any way.....things happen and your reaction creates your feeling. I'd suggest just accepting the undoubted reality that your bf is a promiscuous flirt who spends hours of leisure time having heartfelt conversations and recreational activities with women who aren't you, all while he furthers his abuse of alcohol.

June 6, 2014

Well, your bf definitely doesn't seem like the really faithful type, and like to flirt and have close connections with multiple women.

He also spends all afternoon drinking in a bar on a workday!!??

BTW, cognitive behavioral teaching is that nothing can "make" you feel any way.....things happen and your reaction creates your feeling. I'd suggest just accepting the undoubted reality that your bf is a promiscuous flirt who spends hours of leisure time having heartfelt conversations and recreational activities with women who aren't you, all while he furthers his abuse of alcohol.

Exactly, "close connections" and "heartfelt conversations and recreational activities with women who aren't" me, while he abuses alcohol.

Makes me heavily doubt continuing this relationship.

Makes me very very sad.

Thanks.

July 8, 2014

Well, fast forward a couple weeks. He does it again...leaves work early, doesn't say a word to me (no good bye), and goes drinking all day and night at his favorite bar with his favorite bartender. Then his bartender joins him and his friends drinking at another bar...all night. My bf even helped her and her coworker close their bar until 2am. Wtf?!?! But he can't even help me with a small home reno. I immediately told him his actions make me uncomfortable and are not appropriate. His actions make me feel uncared for and disrespected...hurt. He never invites me for lunch and will spend hours there. I told him what I need from him and a relationship. Sadly I don't think he gets it. He won't change. He was there again today for lunch with his bff even after I suggested we go for lunch.

Then tonight I travel out of town for a work conference with a male colleague. My bf immediately throws it in my face what I told him about his bartender...says I'm being inappropriate and will have to decide what to do about our relationship. Whatever. I told him, "ok".

I don't care to be in this bs relationship anymore. I'm not getting what I need nor will I.

Shoulda known better...

Edited July 8, 2014 by beyondcrushed

July 8, 2014

You're boyfriend is definitely not in love with you, let alone madly in love with you.

Men who are crazy about you don't go and chat up bartenders, spend a lot of time texting and hanging out with other women, and blatantly ignore your requests to stop behaving in a manner that you are uncomfortable with.

You deserve a man who falls madly in love with you and who highly regards your feelings and well being.

I don't even know why he is with you frankly, he doesn't seem to care much about you. At best he loves you as a person but isn't in love with you.

The sooner you stop playing the door mat to this horrid man, the sooner you can find true love with a man who feels the same way about you.

Lastly; decent men do not behave in the way your partner is behaving.

July 8, 2014

For what it's worth, I dated a hot female bartender. I dated her for about 4 months, and at the time of when I met her, she was actually a waitress. Funny thing was that she had prior bartending jobs at other local bars, but she complained that she was tired of getting hit on all the time.

3 months into the relationship she quits her job, and gets another bartending gig at one of the local bro bars. This brought out every insecurity in me because she was dressing literally half naked whenever she had a shift. And flirting with other guys was what she did best to empty out wallets.

But the relationship nosedived super fast as she started hanging out with other guys and she had the nerve to accuse me of being jealous just because she hung out with other guys to "gain more clients" for the club. I just left one day and never looked back.

When the smoke cleared, I realized that she never has been in a long term relationship before. But rather these perpetual relationships that lead to nothing because she bounces from one guy to another.

So your situation may be different. But i'll never date another female bartender. No offense to any female bartenders here of course, I've dated 2 now and I don't even drink.

July 8, 2014

It certainly sounds as though you two are very different people from each other. Even if nothing has actually "happened" with this bartender, you're clearly on very different pages of the relationship book. Even if there's no concrete "reasons" to dump him, I would move on if I were you, it's just not going to work out in the long term so might as well cut your losses now.

July 8, 2014

When a man wants something long term with you, here are a few sure signs you could be heading in that direction:

- They only have eyes for you. Sure, they notice when a woman is attractive but they don't do a double take or look twice. Other woman become invisible. They often just sit and stare at you for no reason.

- They don't incessantly text, communicate or hang out with other women. They don't text other women that aren't already their friends, YOU are the only woman they spend a lot of time with, besides long established female friends they met before you came onto the scene!

- They don't just take off and go to the bar and drink all day without letting you know where they are, they would tell you what they are doing most of the time. They just don't up and leave for a bar and drink all day with friends and other women:sick:

- They are NEVER flirty with other women. There are some exceptions where a person has a very flirty personality by nature, but they would be that way to everyone and not just one particular woman, and they wouldn't spend one on one time getting drunk with a bartender whilst flirting with her.

Your boyfriend is definitely not in love with you. Men who are in love do not act like this.

The sooner you wake up and realise this, the sooner you can be available for a man who adores you.

July 8, 2014

Your boyfriend has a drinking problem, that should be your concern.

July 8, 2014

You're boyfriend is definitely not in love with you, let alone madly in love with you.

Men who are crazy about you don't go and chat up bartenders, spend a lot of time texting and hanging out with other women, and blatantly ignore your requests to stop behaving in a manner that you are uncomfortable with.

You deserve a man who falls madly in love with you and who highly regards your feelings and well being.

I don't even know why he is with you frankly, he doesn't seem to care much about you. At best he loves you as a person but isn't in love with you.

The sooner you stop playing the door mat to this horrid man, the sooner you can find true love with a man who feels the same way about you.

Lastly; decent men do not behave in the way your partner is behaving.

Omg, so true. I don't feel like he's in love with me at all or at all crazy about me. Idk ytf he's with me.

July 8, 2014

Idk ytf he's with me.

Sometimes it's the security of having someone in your life that can provide you will all the benefits that come with relationship while being able to also enjoy all the jollies that are out there.

July 8, 2014

Your boyfriend has a drinking problem, that should be your concern.

Yes, it seems he does

...def a concern too.

July 8, 2014

For what it's worth, I dated a hot female bartender. I dated her for about 4 months, and at the time of when I met her, she was actually a waitress. Funny thing was that she had prior bartending jobs at other local bars, but she complained that she was tired of getting hit on all the time.

3 months into the relationship she quits her job, and gets another bartending gig at one of the local bro bars. This brought out every insecurity in me because she was dressing literally half naked whenever she had a shift. And flirting with other guys was what she did best to empty out wallets.

But the relationship nosedived super fast as she started hanging out with other guys and she had the nerve to accuse me of being jealous just because she hung out with other guys to "gain more clients" for the club. I just left one day and never looked back.

When the smoke cleared, I realized that she never has been in a long term relationship before. But rather these perpetual relationships that lead to nothing because she bounces from one guy to another.

So your situation may be different. But i'll never date another female bartender. No offense to any female bartenders here of course, I've dated 2 now and I don't even drink.

Yah, I figure if that's what he wants, fine. He can have her. I won't stand in his way. I will let him go. And he will see how wonderful it will be to be worried about the next man she 'befriends". What goes around comes around. Thx for your perspective. And on another note, I think ur right...if I can't handle it, then I d just walk. Were any of ur gf's upset when u walked out or they didn't care?

July 8, 2014

I've told him what slippery slope he's on. He said he wouldn't care if I did the same thing. (sure, he wouldn't. Pftt.).

On the other hand he dies spend a lot of his free time with me and us sometimes affectionate. He's usually considerate when we're together -- gets me a drink too, makes sure I'm comfortable, he'll cuddle., he took me away for the weekend. He says he has lots of fun with me. He expects me at his house every night I don't have my children.

But he never tells me he lives me or how much I mean to him. He never tells me how beautiful I am. He never just looks at me. He'll only say he loves me when I tell him I love him. And he says it with zero emotion...just empty words. like he feels obligated to tell me. Lol. So pathetic. Wtf am I doing with this guy.

And lately he's been going dutch treat with me. And making me pay half of our 'trips' n activities together ie; weekend getaway.

And a few weeks ago we talked about moving in together next spring then a few days ago he's talking about living in his home on his own.

He will barely text me or see me during the day, and rarely suggests coffee or lunch (we work together).

Is this normal in a love relationship?? We've been together for about a year total.

If I compare him to my exh n exbf, my exes were way more in love n crazy for me than this guy. Somehow I feel like I'm just a friend he can have fun with benefits. I asked him what he sees us as. He said dating and having fun. That we're exclusive. He says he's not out looking or sleeping with other women.

I said I see us as in a committed exclusive relationship.

Idk if I can be in this.

July 8, 2014

Is this normal in a love relationship??
.

You already know the answer to this.

The little that he does doesn't compare to what builds a strong foundation for your relationship. Trust, empathy, loyalty, respect -- if you don't have the big ones, values and standards -- sometimes affectionate, gets me a drink too, makes sure I'm comfortable, he'll cuddle., he took me away for the weekend, lots of fun with me, expects me at his house every night I don't have my children -- mean absolutely nothing.

As I said, those are the benefits of being in a relationship. You get someone that provides you with sex, cuddles, fun, companionship, feel good moments, etc. You give him what he needs but he also has no issues going out there and doing whatever he needs to fullfill his other voids.

July 8, 2014

You already know the answer to this.

The little that he does doesn't compare to what builds a strong foundation for your relationship. Trust, empathy, loyalty, respect -- if you don't have the big ones, values and standards -- sometimes affectionate, gets me a drink too, makes sure I'm comfortable, he'll cuddle., he took me away for the weekend, lots of fun with me, expects me at his house every night I don't have my children -- mean absolutely nothing.

As I said, those are the benefits of being in a relationship. You get someone that provides you with sex, cuddles, fun, companionship, feel good moments, etc. You give him what he needs but he also has no issues going out there and doing whatever he needs to fullfill his other voids.

WOW! Amazing. Thank you so much for putting it in perspective for me. You don't know how much I appreciate this. I didn't know if I was going crazy or not.

Anyone else have a or have had a similar relationship? And what happened? How does a real relationship compare??

Edited July 8, 2014 by beyondcrushed

July 8, 2014

This bartender is no threat to you at all. Your BF likes her because she is his bartender. She flirts from the other side of the bar. It's her JOB. If her husband owns the joint there's no way she's going to screw around with a customer. Since your BF & his buddy are regulars AND they play golf with her husband, she really is just a friend. I would bet money the only benefits he gets out of the relationship is an occasional free drink.

Yes, it would have been more gallant for him to walk you back to the office but he was drunk & drunks don't think clearly. The fact that he was happy to see you & he touched you affectionately affirms my theory that she's just his bartender & your anxiety is out of proportion to what's going on & you need to figure out why this is making you so stressed.

Unless he's drinking away every afternoon I wouldn't label him an alcoholic just yet.

The single mom last summer was more of an issue but I get the sense that she's not longer around.

You can't blame him for stuff he did before you met him.

I also completely disagree with those posters who told you that people who are genuinely in love don't flirt. I'm a huge flirt & I adore my husband. He jokes that I could no more stop flirting then I could stop breathing. As long as it's clear to everyone that the primary relationship comes 1st & is sacrosanct I don't see the problem with flirting but I do have an admittedly liberal perspective on the subject.

All that said, if you feel disrespected, & your BF isn't addressing your concerns, that is the problem

July 8, 2014

Yah, I figure if that's what he wants, fine. He can have her. I won't stand in his way. I will let him go. And he will see how wonderful it will be to be worried about the next man she 'befriends". What goes around comes around. Thx for your perspective. And on another note, I think ur right...if I can't handle it, then I d just walk. Were any of ur gf's upset when u walked out or they didn't care?

Well I was a sucker with my Bartender GF. I try not to judge people and keep an open mind. So when I left I'm sure she was upset about not having access to my bank account any more since I payed for every detail in her life.

But I'm 100% positive she's landed a few more suckers. I've wrote her off as that one person we've dated in the past with the- WTF was I thinking mindset.

July 8, 2014

Then tonight I travel out of town for a work conference with a male colleague.

...

BINGO. When I read your OP, OP, it sounded like he was retaliating for something. We don't always know what, but this is classic "let her see how it feels" behavior.

You going out of town to a conference with one male colleague is a tricky situation.

I will leave it right there. I could speculate like crazy, but I suspect I do not have to do that.

This conference may not be the thing that triggered his behavior, but SOMETHING did. You do not have to admit it. This is classic woman behavior - they do "stuff", and when the man retaliates and makes her feel uncomfortable she complains about he is no good for her.

Read some of the posts around here. It is one of the most significant patterns you will see.

Good luck. I think you should break up with him. This is clearly going nowhere fast.

July 9, 2014

I've done nothing inappropriate or disrespectful. I've cut off all contact w past men I've had anything with as soon as we got together. The conference was after the bartender. Im at conference now. I went to dinner w my colleague from 5:30 to 7pm then straight to my hotel room. I sent my bf texts n pic of what I'm up to.

He hadn't texted me today, I texted him n he replied w cold one word answers. I knew something was up. Before I left for conference my bf asked me to send sexy pics if me to him. So I sent my bf a sexy photo of myself and he asks if my male colleague likes it. So hurtful. Why? I am so upset with what he asked:**(( I've done nothing wrong especially considering his behavior. And he won't tell me he's upset, although clearly he is. And when he does admit after me prying, he won't tell me why. He just acts out on me....passive aggressive. and when I tell him I'm upset he calls me needy n possessive.

How should I respond to his question?

Edited July 9, 2014 by beyondcrushed

July 9, 2014

Read up on projection and passive aggressive traits. It's all forms of emotional manipulation.

It seems like he knows how to push your buttons and he knows that you'll let him. Ignore his question. He's doing it to get you to appease him and kiss his feet.

I'm not sure why you tip toe around this nut.

July 9, 2014

Good gosh. This man wins the immaturity of the year medal hands down.

I am not sure why open and honest communications at the first sight of problems is so elusive in many relationships.

When my boyfriend has felt uncomfortable about my male work mates or acquaintances, he told me so.

He said " Leigh 87, I am uneasy about this man because of __ and ____" He didn't wait until I went and hung out with a man he wasn't comfortable with, so he could then shut me down, act cold and aloof. He TELLS me things so they do not build up instead of seemingly looking for chances to emotionally play with and manipulate me

This is NOT what a mature, decent man does when he is in love with a woman, or falling in love.....

Your boyfriend has problems. He is immature at best. OR even worse, he loves the drama and instigates drama knowingly because it is more interesting and even creates passion when you make up; talking like mature open adults is too boring for him.

In any case, even the best case scenario where he is merely "immature" with no other ill intent, is still bad and will indeed end badly unless you tell him to curb his immature antics OR WALK if he fails to change.

DO NOT be a doormat - if you want him to change and YOU SHOULD (Any self respecting women would certainly NOT tolerate his behaviour), then tell him to either get his act together or LEAVE. Empty threats will make it known that you are a doormat and are too desperate to stay with a man rather than uphold your dignity.

Good luck, you will need it.

July 9, 2014

Omg, thanks so much Zahara. I'm so upset. I don't want to tip toe around him. But I don't know how not to. If not giving in to him and ignoring his question is one way in this situation then I will. I guess I'm afraid of losing him. But am realizing he's not really worth saving. Total nut job. I suspect I will have more of this controlling passive aggressive games from him and more heartache if I stay. His exw told him he was controlling in their marriage. He has no awareness or clue how he is. Shame.

July 9, 2014

Good gosh. This man wins the immaturity of the year medal hands down.

I am not sure why open and honest communications at the first sight of problems is so elusive in many relationships.

When my boyfriend has felt uncomfortable about my male work mates or acquaintances, he told me so.

He said " Leigh 87, I am uneasy about this man because of __ and ____" He didn't wait until I went and hung out with a man he wasn't comfortable with, so he could then shut me down, act cold and aloof. He TELLS me things so they do not build up instead of seemingly looking for chances to emotionally play with and manipulate me

This is NOT what a mature, decent man does when he is in love with a woman, or falling in love.....

Your boyfriend has problems. He is immature at best. OR even worse, he loves the drama and instigates drama knowingly because it is more interesting and even creates passion when you make up; talking like mature open adults is too boring for him.

In any case, even the best case scenario where he is merely "immature" with no other ill intent, is still bad and will indeed end badly unless you tell him to curb his immature antics OR WALK if he fails to change.

DO NOT be a doormat - if you want him to change and YOU SHOULD (Any self respecting women would certainly NOT tolerate his behaviour), then tell him to either get his act together or LEAVE. Empty threats will make it known that you are a doormat and are too desperate to stay with a man rather than uphold your dignity.

Good luck, you will need it.

Thanks so much Leigh 87! Much appreciated too. I agree completely -- so immature. I will tell him just to tell me how he feels instead of playing hurtful games.

I will not his doormat thus time. I'm trying to be strong.

I will ignore his question n when I see him F2F will tell him to grow up....in do many words.

Any other advice would be appreciated on how to not be a door mat.

Thanks all!!

July 9, 2014

Omg, thanks so much Zahara. I'm so upset. I don't want to tip toe around him. But I don't know how not to. If not giving in to him and ignoring his question is one way in this situation then I will. I guess I'm afraid of losing him. But am realizing he's not really worth saving. Total nut job. I suspect I will have more of this controlling passive aggressive games from him and more heartache if I stay. His exw told him he was controlling in their marriage. He has no awareness or clue how he is. Shame.

YOU'RE scared to broach the matter?

YOU are the one who should point blank say " look, you are acting like an immature loser, if you have a problem with me going on a BUSINESS conference and having make colleagues come along, grow some balls and TELL me if you are uncomfortable so we can talk it out and try to work through and issues you have surrounding the matter"

" if you are too immature to talk about things that bother you and you prefer to then act aloof and inappropriate to me, here is the door!"

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Do I tell him it bothers me -- at bar with friend chatting up female bartender?

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