smitten4ever Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Hi all, I'm new and I have a big problem. I have been friends with a guy for 20 years. I am now 44 he is 57. We are both married- my second and only marriage since I have known him. His 3rd since I have known him. We are like soulmates, we have always shared everything. We were intimate before (he was single and my husband knew about it and was ok with it). Fast forward now he has been married to this wife for 8 years and they adopted a child who is now 4. The wife found our emails and went ballistic even though there was nothing "suggestive" in them. I guess she has threatened to leave and take the child but he tells me he can't talk to me anymore. This happened 10 days ago. Will he really not talk to me? He was my best friend and now all I do is cry. Or is he just scared? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Apparently he didn't tell HIS wife about you, and apparently she was NOT ok with it. As sad as it is for you, his responsibility is to his wife and family. You could offer to meet his wife or talk to her, in hopes you can convince her nothing is going on and even to become friends with her, but that's a longshot. Most likely, goodbye is goodbye. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 Thank you, Yes he did mention the other day that he should have told her of our friendship but was too chicken-****. We haven't EVER been anything but platonic since before he even met her. I agree that his responsibility is to his family, I am not interested in homewrecking thats for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I can see why his wife would be upset. Most people consider it to be pretty disrespectful to keep someone in the picture that you were with before. You cannot say that your relationship has been platonic even if you aren't involved with him in that way anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 Of course I can see why she would be upset too and has every right to be. Yes after 12 years of no intimacy (physically) I can use the word platonic I do appreciate your insight, I'm married myself and quite happily. My husband has always been aware of my friendship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 It may not have been a physical affair anymore, but it sure was an emotional affair. I can't blame her for being upset and for not wanting you two to speak anymore. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) It may not have been a physical affair anymore, but it sure was an emotional affair. I can't blame her for being upset and for not wanting you two to speak anymore. Yes, unfortunately most people don't understand this. The Rules of Opposite Gender Friendships | Foundation Restoration Edited June 6, 2014 by marcjb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 Yes, unfortunately most people don't understand this. The Rules of Opposite Gender Friendships | Foundation Restoration Those rules belong nowhere, I'm sorry but I do not get along with women and the majority of my friendships have been with men and ONE I was intimate with. There is no reason whatsoever that two adults of opposite sex cannot be friends. That article sounded like it was written in the 1950's:o 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 It may not have been a physical affair anymore, but it sure was an emotional affair. I can't blame her for being upset and for not wanting you two to speak anymore. I don't blame her for being upset either. Not at all. He should have been upfront 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Those rules belong nowhere, I'm sorry but I do not get along with women and the majority of my friendships have been with men and ONE I was intimate with. There is no reason whatsoever that two adults of opposite sex cannot be friends. That article sounded like it was written in the 1950's:o You call this man your soul mate when you're both married to other people. He's not just your friend. You are having an emotional affair with him. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 He's putting his partner first like you should when you get married. I don't think she's the only person who's not thrilled with the idea of their mate having a soulmate on the side. Especially one they've slept with before. All you can really do is find a replacement. =/ Maybe your husband will do. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Apparently he didn't tell HIS wife about you, and apparently she was NOT ok with it. As sad as it is for you, his responsibility is to his wife and family. You could offer to meet his wife or talk to her, in hopes you can convince her nothing is going on and even to become friends with her, but that's a longshot. Most likely, goodbye is goodbye. That's a bummer that he didn't tell her, for your sake OP. I bet she's more mad at him for not being transparent. And he probably has feelings for you, or else what was their to hide? If I were her I would have given him the her or me ultimatum. You must be totally awesome for him to risk his RS trust for you. Edited June 7, 2014 by redbaron005 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunny_cloud Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Partners do interfere between relationships, which they see as a threat. This is rather a sign of their insecurity than a problem of the communication between you both. However, as sad as it is, often people let go of connections just to make their family or partners happy. He might contact you after sometime. However, I don't think that you will be able to sustain the same close connection you had before. If you truly care about him and want him to be happy, you will agree with what he decided. He is not your life. People leave. Create your happiness with what you have got now. I am sure you can do it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Those rules belong nowhere, I'm sorry but I do not get along with women and the majority of my friendships have been with men and ONE I was intimate with. There is no reason whatsoever that two adults of opposite sex cannot be friends. That article sounded like it was written in the 1950's:o Funny, all the men and women I've known always seem to be friends with people they'd screw. Sigh, how man times have we seen on this forum "he/she said he's just a friend". None of my friends seem to have this drive to be friends with ugly people of the opposite sex, wonder why? You were attracted enough to have sex, that's not just a friend, even if you haven't had the opportunity to do it lately. Now I have Biz Markie in my head... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Natsume21 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Get this through your head, OP Keeping this man in your life in the manner you do is ROBBING him of the much needed marriage and family time he's wasted on you. This is cheating. If you were in her position, you wouldn't want this done to you at ALL! Stop lying to yourself saying you're just friends. You're not, you're in love with him, and once that happens, there's no going back. Stop being selfish and care for what his wife thinks. If he doesn't love her, HE WILL divorce her and come to you. You being involved in this ANY further is cheating and nothing could justify it. Respect your friendship and let him attend to what's more important than your friendship: a marriage. Sides, cheating already happened once. If you truly wanted this man, you should have gotten him before he was married. No sympathy for you. This is goodbye 9 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 I'm sorry but I do not get along with women and the majority of my friendships have been with men and ONE I was intimate with. Yes, this is exactly the same thing the article talks about. I suggest reading it a few more times. Join some meet up groups and make an effort to befriend some women. Your future self will thank you for doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Get this through your head, OP Keeping this man in your life in the manner you do is ROBBING him of the much needed marriage and family time he's wasted on you. This is cheating. If you were in her position, you wouldn't want this done to you at ALL! Stop lying to yourself saying you're just friends. You're not, you're in love with him, and once that happens, there's no going back. Stop being selfish and care for what his wife thinks. If he doesn't love her, HE WILL divorce her and come to you. You being involved in this ANY further is cheating and nothing could justify it. Respect your friendship and let him attend to what's more important than your friendship: a marriage. Sides, cheating already happened once. If you truly wanted this man, you should have gotten him before he was married. No sympathy for you. This is goodbye You are exactly right! People think cheating is the sex act, but cheating doesn't start or end with a penis in a vagina, there is putting oneself in a position to cheat. This had to have taken time away from his wife and daughter. Honestly OP, even if you had never slept with this man I would be more crushed finding out about you than a drunken one night stand with actual sex where they never saw each other again. Also, women who say they do not get along with women, are usually the ones that start problems with women. Kind of like when people on Facebook make statuses about hating drama yet create most of it themselves. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Honestly - I disagree that you can't be friends with ex's I have plenty of friends who are exes ... we've been unattached at the same time - lived in the same city etc and never attempted to "rekindle" those relationships. Now having said that - I don't nor have I ever referred to any of them as my soulmate or spoken to any of them on a daily basis. Sometimes not even monthly depending on our schedules - and when one of their spouses was insecure about our friendship - it has never a single time made me shed a tear - they are their spouse - I am a friend ... duty goes to spouse. It DOES indicate insecurity of self to not be able to believe you can have a purely platonic relationship with an ex. Friendships and romantic relationships are two completely different ball games and while you may not be compatible romantically - you could most certainly be awesome friends. However - OP - how do you think your husband would feel about you calling this man your soulmate? Not good I would say. You were having an emotional affair. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Honestly - I disagree that you can't be friends with ex's I have plenty of friends who are exes ... we've been unattached at the same time - lived in the same city etc and never attempted to "rekindle" those relationships. Now having said that - I don't nor have I ever referred to any of them as my soulmate or spoken to any of them on a daily basis. Sometimes not even monthly depending on our schedules - and when one of their spouses was insecure about our friendship - it has never a single time made me shed a tear - they are their spouse - I am a friend ... duty goes to spouse. It DOES indicate insecurity of self to not be able to believe you can have a purely platonic relationship with an ex. Friendships and romantic relationships are two completely different ball games and while you may not be compatible romantically - you could most certainly be awesome friends. However - OP - how do you think your husband would feel about you calling this man your soulmate? Not good I would say. You were having an emotional affair. No, insecurity is clinging to another woman's husband. I do not dislike my exes, they simply have families now and careers. I don't cling to the past. I might say hello even once in a while. But if their spouses found my messages they would not get angry at me because it would be, "Hey how's it going, gorgeous family, hope all is well! " It's not about relationships with exes anyways, I don't believe men and women are ever friends without one wanting to have sex with the other. I would not go for lunch or out for a beer with ANY married man. And if any guy is flirty with me on facebook or ANYWHERE and I see they are married, then they are BLOCKED. Scumbags. It's not insecurity, it's morals. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 That's a bummer that he didn't tell her, for your sake OP. I bet she's more mad at him for not being transparent. And he probably has feelings for you, or else what was their to hide? If I were her I would have given him the her or me ultimatum. You must be totally awesome for him to risk his RS trust for you. Thank you, yes I think she feels betrayed because he wasn't honest, she has every right to be. I would be. No, I don't think I'm awesome, I think that we have been friends for 20 years and I think it was a zone we were comfortable in. She did give him the her or me ultimatum.. He doesn't want to lose his child. I totally agree with him there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 You are exactly right! People think cheating is the sex act, but cheating doesn't start or end with a penis in a vagina, there is putting oneself in a position to cheat. This had to have taken time away from his wife and daughter. Honestly OP, even if you had never slept with this man I would be more crushed finding out about you than a drunken one night stand with actual sex where they never saw each other again. Also, women who say they do not get along with women, are usually the ones that start problems with women. Kind of like when people on Facebook make statuses about hating drama yet create most of it themselves. Not true in the least- all due respect. I have not seen him (laid eyes on him) in 8 years we live cross country. It didn't make our friendship any less weak. It took NO TIME from his family as we did not see each other. I don't get a long with women because for the most part they are catty and back stabbing. I just am not like that. I do not enjoy discussing the latest in home decor, hairstyles, fashion, cooking or any of that stuff. I have more of a male brain. My husband does the shopping and cooking in our house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 Get this through your head, OP Keeping this man in your life in the manner you do is ROBBING him of the much needed marriage and family time he's wasted on you. This is cheating. If you were in her position, you wouldn't want this done to you at ALL! Stop lying to yourself saying you're just friends. You're not, you're in love with him, and once that happens, there's no going back. Stop being selfish and care for what his wife thinks. If he doesn't love her, HE WILL divorce her and come to you. You being involved in this ANY further is cheating and nothing could justify it. Respect your friendship and let him attend to what's more important than your friendship: a marriage. Sides, cheating already happened once. If you truly wanted this man, you should have gotten him before he was married. No sympathy for you. This is goodbye I wouldn't want him to come to me LOL- I AM MARRIED!! Yes, my husband knows and has no issues with it. They were best friends in college. We had a 3-some after we got married- we aren't prudes that believe you can only love one person. We are much more open minded than that. My husband knows exactly how i feel and he hates to see me hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 So if you have a male brain, then you must know 3 things about guys. 1. THE NO. 1 reason we date women is sex. We don't stick around any woman we aren't planning on screwing. (This supports cheating) 2. Men are generally very straightforward(they either want to screw or not, and since you want him around, clearly you want to screw) strike 2 3. Men get along with women mostly for sex, though we do get our fair share of friendships. The reason you say that women are catty and backstabbing, is probably because they won't let you get away with your CLEAR catty and backstabbing ways: being the emotional(and soon physical) vessel for a wayward husband by encouraging him to see you, NOT go work on his marriage. You ask me, YOU'RE THE BACKSTABBER! The reason you're not getting along with women is because you're probably a bitch. Fact of the matter is you don't even give a damn about his wife and how she may feel. All you care about is what you feel. You are classic cheater fodder. You're selfish. I'll be the first to say this, if a man has a close female friend that isn't his wife, get rid of her ASAP, unless the friend proves to be respectful of the marriage. Why? Cause of stuff like that. Leave him alone. --Natsume21 UM HELLO Earth to Natsume21- CAN YOU READ???? We have not been in the same room in over 8 years!! Get a grip. I DO care about how she feels, you are not in my heart, you do not know me or who I am inside. I have done nothing but support his decision. It's like you don't get it. I am the most unselfish person you could ever meet but you are behind a computer screen so you can say I'm a "Bitch" really? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smitten4ever Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 How do you figure I have been "bothering" them?? I am respecting no contact. My husband is not a cuckhold at all- but he has no issue with this man. Platonic relationships, just like moral values, are a CHOICE. Therefore, a man can choose to be friends with you, but his instincts and natural ways will want more. Vice versa for a woman, after all we're still animals. We as a species have the ability to mate with different partners, but we also created monogamy, which exists in various species as well. That means we are made to be both, depend on the individuals and their choices. You clearly like having an open relationship(either that or your husband's a serious cuckold) but guess what. His wife doesn't! That's the point. THEY DON'T WANT YOU INVOLVED IN THEIR MARRIAGE. How clear can I make this? Natsume21. Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 I have not seen him (laid eyes on him) in 8 years we live cross country. It didn't make our friendship any less weak. Of course, it was an emotional affair and if you two lived in close proximity, there would have been sex again eventually. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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