Is goodbye Goodbye??

[jbelle6]

You need to try to have friendships with women. Or figure out why you can't be friends with women... Not judging you but you're missing out on something special.

 

Why do you not get along with women? If you've answered this already, disregard my question (i've only read part of your thread so far)..

 

 

Yes, especially as we get older, refusing to be friends with the opposite sex will leave one very lonely since people do get married and put up boundaries.

 

I also speak to a high school boyfriend, but it was ages ago we dated and he is certainly not my soul mate. I only talk to him through his wife. SHE is my friend. I met her through him immediately and we became fast friends. I look at her when I talk to them both, I message her about plans we might make. I am not a threat to her marriage.

 

It's not just emotions in a marriage, finances are also involved, especially with children, you aren't just threatening her heart, you are threatening her child's heart, and you are also threatening both of their comfort. That is why a woman will never be cool with female friends like you. It's not insecurity, it's not even solely jealousy, she's protecting her nest, and rightfully so.

 

You have other posts on here about this man. You do not just see him as a friend.

 

 

 

And PS Op, I sure would love to see those messages to see if you are as innocent as you'd like to make out...

PSS. where the hell is your husband, make him a nice romantic meal and treat him well now that you have the extra time!!!

Edited June 8, 2014 by jbelle6

[smitten4ever]

MM's W doesn't really like anybody. She has no friends, has alienated all of his friends, my husband included and they were friends for 40 years!!

 

She did NOT trust him, she has severe abandonment issues and refuses to get counseling. I told my friend that he should get counseling for himself and maybe that will make her willing to join in therapy at a later time.

 

Most women don't get married for the FIRST time at 50. She has issues, we all do. None of us are perfect.

I have many issues of my own to work on.

 

Im sorry that it's so hard for some people to understand that some ladies do not enjoy being friends with other ladies. I have very few female friends. I lost my best female friend 8 years ago to sudden death. It's hard for me to connect with women in general.

 

I am getting tired of being made out to be the bad guy here.

 

His last 2 marriages he got married outside of the US and no one was invited. It's not my fault that he kept our friendship a secret as I obviously did not keep it from my husband. I feel very bad for the Wife believe me. I hate to know the pain/betrayal she must feel but my loyalty is him not her

 

 

 

The OP herself is the one that doesn't like other females; she described women in very unflattering terms in her earlier post. Did you read this before suggesting that it's the wife with this odd trait?

 

 

It doesn't seem like it's the MM's wife that is the one that doesn't like other females. If she knew of the friendship then it's likely the content of the emails she found that set her off.

 

 

She probably trusted her husband but has found emails in which she finds he's telling the OP that he doesn't really love his wife and is only staying for the sake of the child. The OP has told us they haven't actually seen each other in 8 years so my guess is he's poured out his heart to the OP and the wife has found these emails, otherwise how would the OP know all these intimate details of their marriage?

[KaliLove]

MM's W doesn't really like anybody. She has no friends, has alienated all of his friends, my husband included and they were friends for 40 years!!

 

She did NOT trust him, she has severe abandonment issues and refuses to get counseling. I told my friend that he should get counseling for himself and maybe that will make her willing to join in therapy at a later time.

 

Most women don't get married for the FIRST time at 50. She has issues, we all do. None of us are perfect.

I have many issues of my own to work on.

 

Im sorry that it's so hard for some people to understand that some ladies do not enjoy being friends with other ladies. I have very few female friends. I lost my best female friend 8 years ago to sudden death. It's hard for me to connect with women in general.

 

I am getting tired of being made out to be the bad guy here.

 

His last 2 marriages he got married outside of the US and no one was invited. It's not my fault that he kept our friendship a secret as I obviously did not keep it from my husband. I feel very bad for the Wife believe me. I hate to know the pain/betrayal she must feel but my loyalty is him not her

 

You said you don't know her, so all of this information is presumably coming from the man you were having an affair with, who has nothing to gain by telling you he loves her or that she's a good person. He didn't want to lose the attention you gave him. There's a good chance that a lot of what he's telling you is either exaggerated or completely false.

 

I'm sure you will say that he'd never lie to you..but his wife thought the same thing.

[Scarlet2]

 

Im sorry that it's so hard for some people to understand that some ladies do not enjoy being friends with other ladies. I have very few female friends. I lost my best female friend 8 years ago to sudden death. It's hard for me to connect with women in general.

 

I am getting tired of being made out to be the bad guy here.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from. It's not like YOU gave him an ultimatum telling him you can't be his friend anymore if he marries her or anything like that. And everyone who is making you out to be the bad guy, well they are exactly proving your point of why you can't connect with women. Not all women are like that though, but yes the majority are and it can be hard to find the more supportive ones.

 

It's so cliche to say "leave him alone" or "find someone else". Yeah it's easier to do that if you can treat everyone as disposable/replaceable, but you're not that kind of person. You don't need a fill in, you need your friend because he's a unique individual and he's not replaceable. But right now, you have to wait. He might not come back but it's up to him to make the first move since it was his decision to say goodbye. You can put out feelers periodically to let him know you still care but there isn't anything you can do to change his mind.

 

"I can't talk to you anymore" has happened to me a lot. It hurts and frustrating but mine all came back eventually because they missed having me in their life. But of course if it became habit, I would tell them they could just stay gone the next time they did it.

[KaliLove]

I understand where you are coming from. It's not like YOU gave him an ultimatum telling him you can't be his friend anymore if he marries her or anything like that. And everyone who is making you out to be the bad guy, well they are exactly proving your point of why you can't connect with women. Not all women are like that though, but yes the majority are and it can be hard to find the more supportive ones.

 

It's so cliche to say "leave him alone" or "find someone else". Yeah it's easier to do that if you can treat everyone as disposable/replaceable, but you're not that kind of person. You don't need a fill in, you need your friend because he's a unique individual and he's not replaceable. But right now, you have to wait. He might not come back but it's up to him to make the first move since it was his decision to say goodbye. You can put out feelers periodically to let him know you still care but there isn't anything you can do to change his mind.

 

"I can't talk to you anymore" has happened to me a lot. It hurts and frustrating but mine all came back eventually because they missed having me in their life. But of course if it became habit, I would tell them they could just stay gone the next time they did it.

 

I literally do not see one person on here saying it would be easy to leave him alone or find someone else (I'm not sure why you would even mention trying to find another affair since she's already happily married, so she says..why on earth would you advise someone to put themselves in a position to get badly hurt and to hurt other people?), so I have no idea where you're getting that from.

 

The bolded is terrible, terrible advice. You don't keep chasing someone after they've rejected you. If they don't come back, you're pathetic for chasing a person who doesn't want you, and if they do, you'll never know if they did it because they wanted to or out of guilt.

 

He chose his wife. She should leave him alone and start healing.

[underwater2010]

Before I jump to conclusions.....you said the emails where not "suggestive".....what exactly was mentioned. Did you talk about old times? About being best friends? About your philosophy about being able to love more than one person?

[stillafool]

I literally do not see one person on here saying it would be easy to leave him alone or find someone else (I'm not sure why you would even mention trying to find another affair since she's already happily married, so she says..why on earth would you advise someone to put themselves in a position to get badly hurt and to hurt other people?), so I have no idea where you're getting that from.

 

The bolded is terrible, terrible advice. You don't keep chasing someone after they've rejected you. If they don't come back, you're pathetic for chasing a person who doesn't want you, and if they do, you'll never know if they did it because they wanted to or out of guilt.

 

He chose his wife. She should leave him alone and start healing.

 

It's because she herself is seeing someone elses husband.

[Scarlet2]

I literally do not see one person on here saying it would be easy to leave him alone or find someone else (I'm not sure why you would even mention trying to find another affair since she's already happily married, so she says..why on earth would you advise someone to put themselves in a position to get badly hurt and to hurt other people?), so I have no idea where you're getting that from.

 

The bolded is terrible, terrible advice. You don't keep chasing someone after they've rejected you. If they don't come back, you're pathetic for chasing a person who doesn't want you, and if they do, you'll never know if they did it because they wanted to or out of guilt.

 

He chose his wife. She should leave him alone and start healing.

 

I didn't mention anywhere about her trying to find another affair. She's not even in one, she's talking about friendship.

[smitten4ever]

Thank you. For people who are reading into my user name, I have a VERY common last name, so figure it out LOL. It has nothing to do with him, its a nickname I've had FOREVER!!

 

Yes, I do have to wait and I'm OK with that. I think it's funny how everyone calls it an AFFAIR.. Sheesh we have been friends for 20 years. I do not view people as disposable and replaceable as they are not. Some people have deep connections. I understand this and am lucky to have experienced it with two men. I am lucky that my husband does not judge me but accepts me as a caring, loving human being that puts others before herself always.

 

Scarlet, thank you for showing understanding and compassion .

 

 

 

I understand where you are coming from. It's not like YOU gave him an ultimatum telling him you can't be his friend anymore if he marries her or anything like that. And everyone who is making you out to be the bad guy, well they are exactly proving your point of why you can't connect with women. Not all women are like that though, but yes the majority are and it can be hard to find the more supportive ones.

 

It's so cliche to say "leave him alone" or "find someone else". Yeah it's easier to do that if you can treat everyone as disposable/replaceable, but you're not that kind of person. You don't need a fill in, you need your friend because he's a unique individual and he's not replaceable. But right now, you have to wait. He might not come back but it's up to him to make the first move since it was his decision to say goodbye. You can put out feelers periodically to let him know you still care but there isn't anything you can do to change his mind.

 

"I can't talk to you anymore" has happened to me a lot. It hurts and frustrating but mine all came back eventually because they missed having me in their life. But of course if it became habit, I would tell them they could just stay gone the next time they did it.

[spookysonata]

Thank you. For people who are reading into my user name, I have a VERY common last name, so figure it out LOL. It has nothing to do with him, its a nickname I've had FOREVER!!

 

Yes, I do have to wait and I'm OK with that. I think it's funny how everyone calls it an AFFAIR.. Sheesh we have been friends for 20 years. I do not view people as disposable and replaceable as they are not. Some people have deep connections. I understand this and am lucky to have experienced it with two men. I am lucky that my husband does not judge me but accepts me as a caring, loving human being that puts others before herself always.

 

Scarlet, thank you for showing understanding and compassion .

 

The fact that you felt the need to post about this speaks to your disrespect of their marriage.

I also am curious about the content of the emails that set her off....I agree with the person who suggested you and he were discussing private marriage issues. That would totally not be OK with me.

As far as being friends with an ex, I just don't see the point. I broke up with my exes for a reason. I don't wish any of them ill, but I moved on.

Try making some girlfriends. There are some awesome women out there. If you can literally not get along with half of the human race, the problem might be you.

[smitten4ever]

The emails were very much normal "Hey, whats up" conversations. We had discussed a rather difficult time our friendship had gone through and how we were both glad that part was over (again BEFORE he even met his wife).

 

I can post about what I want to. I am a human being with feelings that I don't feel is healthy to keep bottled up. There is no disrespect here. Disrespect would be calling his house, calling him period, etc.

 

As I stayed before I have few female friends- I prefer the company of men.

 

 

 

The fact that you felt the need to post about this speaks to your disrespect of their marriage.

I also am curious about the content of the emails that set her off....I agree with the person who suggested you and he were discussing private marriage issues. That would totally not be OK with me.

As far as being friends with an ex, I just don't see the point. I broke up with my exes for a reason. I don't wish any of them ill, but I moved on.

Try making some girlfriends. There are some awesome women out there. If you can literally not get along with half of the human race, the problem might be you.

[smitten4ever]

EXACTLY- some people just feel inferior and have to make more out of a situation than there is.

 

 

 

I didn't mention anywhere about her trying to find another affair. She's not even in one, she's talking about friendship.

[spookysonata]

EXACTLY- some people just feel inferior and have to make more out of a situation than there is.

 

Hey, you're the one posting about a pretty straightforward issue

[Bootsie]

The emails were very much normal "Hey, whats up" conversations. We had discussed a rather difficult time our friendship had gone through and how we were both glad that part was over (again BEFORE he even met his wife).

 

...

 

 

So how do you know he's not presently in love with his wife and is only staying for the sake of his child?

 

 

And, how do you know all the other stuff you've written here about her?

Edited June 9, 2014 by Bootsie

[seren]

What it all boils down to is he knows his wife isn't happy that he hasn't shared that he has a long term friendship with you, has told him so and whether she gave an ultimatum or not, he chose to end your friendship. No one can make another do something they feel strongly about, not if it is that important.

 

Of course it hurts, of course you will feel his wife is the cause, we read many times of how a spouse is supposedly stopping the other from doing something, but, unless a person is chained up in a cave, it is they who make those choices. I would wish them well and try to leave it alone.

[Realist3]

I would say that with an EA for 20 years, goodbye is not goodbye forever. It may be a month, a year, two years, but I would bet eventually he will contact you again.

 

When two people spend that much time creating a bond it doesn't just go poof into thin air.

[Realist3]

Actually, you're the one making this a bigger deal than what it should be, so allow me to be blunt, as usual.

 

You have a husband? Check?

You're neglecting your husband to speak with a married man? Check

You're throwing a hissy fit cause friend won't speak to you again? Check

You're on here so that people will tell you to chase him cause your emotional affair disguised as a friendship is important to you? Check.

 

All 4 Checks Indicate that you're the kind of person that's willing to cheat and gets bitchy when it's taken away from them.

 

You're a cheat if this is all true, and if it is, I think both the friend, and your husband, are better off without you.

 

--Natsume21

 

This is a forum full of cheaters, so why the need to call her one? I'm not sure what you think that accomplishes or adds to the discussion. Technically though, since her husband knows all about her relationship with this man she is not cheating.

[XenoMouse]

after reading this thread i found it impossible not to reply.

 

Poor smitten you came on here looking for help but instead you are getting judged and filleted by angry betrayed spouses and people that have obviously not been in the position that you are in.

 

Read some of the past threads here and you will find all the answers that you are looking for. Most waywards come back especially after the first time they try to seperate, whether the emotions are too strong or they are extremely selfish i don't know for sure. Mine came back multiple times and if you read the threads here you will find that often the problem is getting rid of them instead as vice versa as they attempt to perpetuate a never ending break up-make up cycle. Given the length/nature of your relationship with this guy i would say, even tho it may be detrimental to your moving forward, there is a strong possibility you will be hearing from him again.

 

Of course it would be better for you to distance yourself from this person as it will be a constant source of pain and confusion but thats easier said than done and the timeline is entirely up to you and how you feel. Eventually one day you will be sick of it and move on but the quicker that you can start to do positive things for yourself to bring you to this point the better it will be for you. Baby steps as they always say. As of now i would say the both of you are still too deep into it and it will take some time before you truly have the desire to heal rather than reconcile with your AP.

 

In the mean time keep your head up and don't feel you have to play defense this is an OW/OM forum and as such we understand your pain and confusion and we are all here for you.

[smitten4ever]

Thank you for your compassion, it means a lot to me. This is difficult. As one person stated You are neglecting your husband No, actually I am not.

No one seems to get that my husband is not hurt/angry/dejected or rejected.

 

I love my husband. He loves me. He gets me, and we have been together for 22 years- I mean REALLY??

 

I'm hurting, I'm human, I am allowed to hurt and process my emotions without being ridiculed by others.

 

 

 

after reading this thread i found it impossible not to reply.

 

Poor smitten you came on here looking for help but instead you are getting judged and filleted by angry betrayed spouses and people that have obviously not been in the position that you are in.

 

Read some of the past threads here and you will find all the answers that you are looking for. Most waywards come back especially after the first time they try to seperate, whether the emotions are too strong or they are extremely selfish i don't know for sure. Mine came back multiple times and if you read the threads here you will find that often the problem is getting rid of them instead as vice versa as they attempt to perpetuate a never ending break up-make up cycle. Given the length/nature of your relationship with this guy i would say, even tho it may be detrimental to your moving forward, there is a strong possibility you will be hearing from him again.

 

Of course it would be better for you to distance yourself from this person as it will be a constant source of pain and confusion but thats easier said than done and the timeline is entirely up to you and how you feel. Eventually one day you will be sick of it and move on but the quicker that you can start to do positive things for yourself to bring you to this point the better it will be for you. Baby steps as they always say. As of now i would say the both of you are still too deep into it and it will take some time before you truly have the desire to heal rather than reconcile with your AP.

 

In the mean time keep your head up and don't feel you have to play defense this is an OW/OM forum and as such we understand your pain and confusion and we are all here for you.

[KaliLove]

Smitten, bottom line- he's not fighting for you. He's choosing his wife. It's time to let go.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

 

Just thought this needed repeating...

[sweet_pea]

I haven't read all of the replies in this thread so maybe someone asked this and you already answered but how do you know she threatened to leave and take the child?

 

As for goodbye, there are times that the WS will come back and there are times that he will not. I can't really tell you (no one can) whether he'll come back to you.

 

Is there more to the story? I feel like if it was just a platonic relationship like you say it is, then yes his wife would be mad, but not to the point of threatening to leave and take his child with him.

[smitten4ever]

The last time I spoke with him he told me he didn't want to lose his child and that she had threatened to take the child away. I understand that feeling as a parent.

His wife has issues, she is human and has been through a lot in her life. When they argue she throws things at him... she's volatile.

 

 

I haven't read all of the replies in this thread so maybe someone asked this and you already answered but how do you know she threatened to leave and take the child?

 

As for goodbye, there are times that the WS will come back and there are times that he will not. I can't really tell you (no one can) whether he'll come back to you.

 

Is there more to the story? I feel like if it was just a platonic relationship like you say it is, then yes his wife would be mad, but not to the point of threatening to leave and take his child with him.

[smitten4ever]

Just thought this needed repeating...

 

 

No need to repeat.... I have already implemented NC.