8 months after breakup, still in pain, still love him

[Marietta]

I've read the boards for a long time but never registered.

 

I'm a 40 year old woman and was in a relationship with a 47 year old man for about five years.

 

He has always lived with his mother. Never married, no children. I have a young child.

 

We were close, the relationship had a very strong base of friendship. The only conflict that ever arose was due to him feeling like he couldn't spend the night with me because his mother wouldn't "understand." She would feel "abandoned." There's a long and complicated story about his dad leaving when he was little and it somehow became his responsibility to make things ok for his mom, to be her only support, and to bring them back to the financial stability they had when he was a little boy.

 

Somehow for us it worked somehow for years. Having him in my life and knowing that he loved me, having someone to talk to about my days, and really truly loving him, made my life so much better. I ultimately put up with no overnights and his mom having this...hold over him. She and I got along, or so I thought.

 

Then we decided to make a go at moving in together, the four of us. I was so happy - i felt sort of weird since it had clearly been discussed with his mother first and then presented to me, instead of he and I coming to that together - but i thought it would be the right move to make us all a family.

 

Unfortunately his mom decided that she didn't want that. She had a bunch of things she said i'd done that were offensive and thqt were reasons we shouldn't move in together. I was always very polite and I truly got to like her - i saw a lot of my SO in her and vice-versa, and i understand what it's like to be close to your family, so i thought things were fine with us. But she just shut it all down one day in a discussion with him.

 

Shortly thereafter, he broke it off with me by email.

 

He said that he didn't think our lifestyles were compatible.

 

Then for months, we talked about being friends, but his mother clearly didnt even want him seeing me. At all. He went to great lengths so that she wouldn't even know if we were getting coffee. Oh, and he never learned to drive, so I always was the driver, and if we got together at all after the breakup I'd meet him somewhere out. Never pick him up.

 

At this point, I've made and broken the decision to go No Contact. I think I've gone 4, maybe 5 days before I break down and write him. He won't tqlk to me on the phone at home because she'd hear.

 

I want to move on. Part of me keeps replaying the pain, blaming myself and just being so sad, sad that i loved him that much and he could end it and not stand up to his mom. Part of me wants him to come to a grand realization about what a wonderful thing he lost in me and my child, who also loves him dearly. But it's been many months and he hasn't. He would like to be friends, and he would love to be sexual.

 

I would love some input. I think i've lost perspective in all of this. I am a well-educated, intelligent and warm woman and I want someone to share my life with; I thought it was him. The sadness is creeping into my time at work, ruining my weekends, preventing me from enjoying my own child and family and keeping me from opening up to someone new.

 

Thanks for reading.

[StalwartMind]

Life has a peculiar way of being both simple and complex at the same time. Whether one finds your relationship situation ideal or not is entirely up to each individual and thus you'll find people on both side of the fence. It seems like no matter how you both chose to to approach circumstances, there was always going to be one obstacle and that was his mother.

 

As you explained with the father having left them, I'm sure this has created a very unique bond and understanding between them, one which some people may never understand. To me this is a very unfortunate situation and there didn't really seem to be any easy solution. I always try to look at things from every side, and sometimes even if two people share and have something great together, there are other forces at play that prevent things from coming to fruition.

 

I don't think any part is really to blame for this, but I'm sure one can debate that sacrifices could be made, the only question is at what cost that would of been and in the end it always needs to be something we can live with, regardless of how others look upon it.

 

People are willing to go to much different lengths for their passion, love, interests, family and so on. There really is no right or wrong. You seem to have compromised a decent bit, to accommodate his wishes/situation, like before you moved together.

 

The best person in the world whom can tell you what to do, how to move on or even approach an impossible situation differently, is yourself. At the moment you are hurting, suffering and you are being tormented by many thoughts. This leads to you not being able to enjoy, like you said, weekends, your child and yourself overall, and that ultimately means your life quality is below what it can be. You know best what you are willing to sacrifice for a relationship.

 

I do believe it is vital you make sure to maintain your physical and mental health and from the sounds of it, you are probably waiting in vain for him to realize something he probably knows and feels to, but his obligation towards his mother will always rank in first place. Some people would be patient and wait a lifetime for soul they feel the most connected with, most people can not do that. Once again you know best yourself what you are willing to put up with, but at moment it seems like things are not meant to be, and I'm sure the advice would be for you to forget and move on, alas that is always more simple said than done.

 

The above written may not of been the most inspiring or amazing words to read, but life holds plenty of pleasant surprises, especially if you welcome them with open arms and an open mind. Take your time, heal your mind and do not feel bad for any thoughts, negative or positive. You have plenty to offer this world even if you only desire to do so with one significant other, and I'll always tell anyone they owe it to themselves to seek opportunity of happiness wherever they believe they may find it.

 

Thank you for sharing your story!