Boyfriend got a tattoo with his ex gf’s name!!

[poolhallprincess]

Exactly, it's almost as if you're making excuses for his behaviour because you haven't seen anything in print! She wants to meet up,but he doesn't and then suddenly his tattooing her name on his body! Does that make sense to you? In my experience if it doesn't make sense it's usually not true.

 

Look, I agree with you. I am not making excuses for him, I think something is going on. BUT this is where I differ from much of the advice here, I will try my best to confirm things first as opposed to jumping in head first and possibly being wrong.

 

You may not have seen the text, but it's 2014 they could be communicating via social media, email, skype, carrier pigeon who knows and it's not unlikely that he deleted the text. Just have it out with him and see what he says?

 

We are both friends with her on facebook, I have his passwords and he has mine, there is nothing there that suggests anything untoward.

 

In fact the only evidence that something is wrong is her asking to meet for lunch AGAIN, again being the important word and of course the tatt. That's pretty huge alone bit certainly not enough to end a 5 year relationship over.

[poolhallprincess]

Why don't you invite her over for dinner and see how she likes really being in your life? Surprise him. After all, she shaped his life and all. Surely he'd want her to be friends with his present girlfriend!

 

She is due at our place in a few weeks for my birthday (I invited her before all this). I don't see how that will make any difference if something is in fact going on. Surely she's not going to take him out the back behind the shed for a quickie.

 

I might just have to get her drunk and pick her mind.

[poolhallprincess]

There could of been 100 other ways of him expressing his gratitude to his ex for her past support while staying respectful towards you.

 

True, and we have already had this discussion. As I said earlier though he does have many tatts, it's just what he does.

 

There is a huge difference between someone coming home with a new tatt when it's their second tatt compared to someone coming home with a new tatt when they have 50 of them.

 

The issue is not getting the tatt, it's whether the tatt has any other significance other than what he told me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There is a huge difference between someone coming home with a new tatt when it's their second tatt compared to someone coming home with a new tatt when they have 50 of them.

The issue is not getting the tatt, it's whether the tatt has any other significance other than what he told me.

 

Actually, no there isn't. The NUMBER of tatts he has or hasn't is irrelevant and no one cares about that. It's WHAT and HOW he went about getting it that is causing many women on here to lose their minds.

 

It's likely that WHAT he tattooed on his body isn't as big of a deal to YOU as it might be for most people but the fact that he DIDN'T discuss it with you PRIOR to permanently inking his body is pretty cold. You'd think after 5 years together that he would honor YOUR relationship with at least a conversation about something like that to make sure you're okay with it.

 

With regards to advice telling you to break up with him over this, do what you feel you need to do.

 

Although there are very obvious signs here that seem incongruent between what his words and his actions I think you owe it to your relationship and to yourself to ask the hard questions. If need be, perhaps you need to put into place some boundaries so you can feel more secure in your relationship. And there shouldn't be any reason why he'd be against doing that unless he still has deep feelings for his ex that go beyond being grateful.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 8, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[HappyLove]

There is absolutely NO reason for this other woman to still be involved in his life so much! If I'm reading correctly you have invited this other woman to your b-day party? No wonder he feels he can disrespect you and do whatever the hell he wants. You don't demand any kind of respect for yourself when it comes to this woman! You are being a fool! There is absolutely no reason to have this woman around! They have no children! One day you will look back and ask yourself 'why was I so stupid and blind'!

[veggirl]

Why don't you just ASK him wtf is going on? Ask him what those texts meant. Since you guys have each others passwords I assume it's fine that you go through one anothers things, so why not just ask him? How else do you plan on finding out?

[poolhallprincess]

It's likely that WHAT he tattooed on his body isn't as big of a deal to YOU as it might be for most people but the fact that he DIDN'T discuss it with you PRIOR to permanently inking his body is pretty cold. You'd think after 5 years together that he would honor YOUR relationship with at least a conversation about something like that to make sure you're okay with it.

 

Totally correct. As I said earlier we have had discussions around the lack of consultation and what the actual tattoo means.

 

He acknowledges fault in not asking and his explanation as to what it means makes sense. I don't know why people can't accept that.

 

It may turn out that his reasons as to what the tattoo means are bull**** and if so we will deal with it accordingly. But at this point in time I have no evidence to suggest that I shouldn't believe the man that has always been honest with me.

[poolhallprincess]

No wonder he feels he can disrespect you and do whatever the hell he wants. You don't demand any kind of respect for yourself when it comes to this woman!

 

This woman is a friend. Since she is back in the country why would I not invite her? Sure she is the ex of my bf but it's never seen an issue before and quite possibly I am reading this wrong and it's not an issue now either.

 

If it turns out something is happening between them then obviously we are thru. That wont be because I invited her to a party, it will be because he's a lying cheat.

[poolhallprincess]

Why don't you just ASK him wtf is going on? Ask him what those texts meant. Since you guys have each others passwords I assume it's fine that you go through one anothers things, so why not just ask him? How else do you plan on finding out?

 

I think I touched on this in my opening post. Of course I am going to ask him.

 

I was just merely gathering other peoples thoughts and opinions so I could go in with an open mind.

 

I must admit though, I am quite surprised. I was thinking people would say don't be too quick to judge and give him a chance to explain himself. It seems many here have already condemned him a cheat with a large part of the reason being based on a tattoo of all things. I'm far more concerned with the possible (probable?) meetings than I am with the tatt.

[HappyLove]

This woman is a friend. Since she is back in the country why would I not invite her? Sure she is the ex of my bf but it's never seen an issue before and quite possibly I am reading this wrong and it's not an issue now either.

 

If it turns out something is happening between them then obviously we are thru. That wont be because I invited her to a party, it will be because he's a lying cheat.

 

So she is YOUR friend? Are you inviting YOUR ex's to your b-day party too? Hey maybe we all are the crazy ones but I've never met a person who would invite their mans ex woman to their own b-day party. I think your lines of self respect are skewed. So it's no wonder he saw getting an ex love name tattooed was no big deal because you don't see anything much as a big deal. I think you do anything to make this man happy even inviting his ex woman to YOUR b-day, keeping your mouth shut about him getting a tattoo of his ex. No it doesn't mean he's cheating but you're practically holding his hand and propping the door open for him to eventually leave you for this woman.

 

There are just some things you don't allow in a relationship and some lines you don't cross. You are being very naive but some if us have to learn life's lessons the hard way. I'm sure you're going to learn a lot through this relationship and I hope one of your biggest take aways one day is self worth and self respect. Because I doubt this woman is hanging around just to be bff's with your man.

[poolhallprincess]

I doubt this woman is hanging around just to be bff's with your man.

 

I am still stunned by the people willing to convict before there's even a trial.

 

As far as facts go, this woman is not hanging around, she has texted my bf a couple of times a week and from the way the texts read nothing is out of order except asking to meet for lunch again. And even that text doesn't suggest it is all to be done in secret.

 

The other fact is of course the tattoo. Which if I am to believe someone who has been forever honest with me was a stupid thing to do without asking and he acknowledges that and the meaning behind why it was the style he got which has been explained.

 

They are the only facts so far. Of course I will be talking to him about all this.

 

It's not a fact he has met her, it's not a fact that he got the tatt because he loves her, it's not a fact he wants to be back with her, it's not a fact she's back to be with him.

 

Now some or even all of those may turn out to be true and if they do then obviously we are finished but I can't for the life of me understand why people want me to make the assumption that all those non-facts are indeed true and I should end it now. Why would I not wait and find the truth?

 

 

 

 

 

So she is YOUR friend? Are you inviting YOUR ex's to your b-day party too? Hey maybe we all are the crazy ones but I've never met a person who would invite their mans ex woman to their own b-day party. I think your lines of self respect are skewed.

 

Yes, she is my friend. I did invite her when I heard she was back in the country and I invited her before I asked my bf because I knew he would be happy to see her as would I.

 

She is a good person, their relationship is long over, I am friends with her, why would I not invite my friend to my birthday?

 

Surely there is no rule that I must hate my bf's ex?

[Womaneyezer]

Your boyfriend is an idiot. Getting tatted with multiple women's names on him takes the whole meaning out of the damn tattoos in the first place. Second of all, if he's meeting his ex for lunch behind your back, use your common sense and dump that man! C'mon ladies, get it together, thousands of men are willing to treat you right, don't settle for what you're used to or the status quo. Good luck.

[sterlingarcher]

This forum is flooded with relationship failures. That's why people here can be abit judgemental and draw what seems to be hasty conclusions. Everyone brings their own perspective and usually that perspective is coming from someone who has been hurt one way or another and can somehow relate to your story. Hence they judge you because they are not open minded enough. Weirdly enough still, many people are spot on in their observations here I think.

 

I don't have much to add to the discussion other than look at his actions before his words. Getting the tattoo without consulting was a very disrespectful thing to do. So was texting her behind your back. You seem to focus on his reasons, excuses or motives rather than the fact that he did something hurtful. So far you are allowing his behaviour to continue because there doesn't seem to be any consequences. So if he did indeed have lunch with her behind your back, what will you do?

 

Also, what he tells you about the tattoo might not be what it really means to him. For example, my GF name starts with an M so if I was to tattoo an M on my chest and then dump her, I could simply tell my next GF that the M is for Mum.

 

Im thinking one of the following will happen now:

 

1) He has infact communicated with her and had lunch one or more times and you will eventually find out. Upon confrontation he will give you very good reasons for his actions and you will understand and accept them and stay with him. All your posts point toward you reacting like this. And you will still be left wondering if there is something more to this than he is telling you.

 

2) He convinces you that the texts are all there is. No lunch, no calls, everything seems innocent and platonic. And you will be wondering if there is something more to this than he is telling you.

 

My advice, and I am talking from experiencing failure in this, is to watch him closely and do some proof-searching before you confront him more. Spy on him for a bit, keep your guard up. He has been going behind your back. That is fact.

[ascendotum]

There is absolutely NO reason for this other woman to still be involved in his life so much! If I'm reading correctly you have invited this other woman to your b-day party? No wonder he feels he can disrespect you and do whatever the hell he wants. You don't demand any kind of respect for yourself when it comes to this woman! You are being a fool! There is absolutely no reason to have this woman around! They have no children! One day you will look back and ask yourself 'why was I so stupid and blind'!

 

The ex was a big part in turning his life around or standing by him during a very bad period. The guy still doesn't still keep putting the feelers out on all his past flings/exes, but just this one (did more then most gfs would supposedly) and he is grateful to her....and also quite likely I'd say still in love with too. Regardless of the tattoo (which was out of order) they still stay in touch, and it was natural as friends they were going to catch up while she is back in the country for the first time in 5 yrs. Really a lot of partners would rather arrange a get together with the ex in their presence than have their bf/gf go off on their own to a dinner with the ex. I don't think having her stop over at the house is that crazy..before the tatt & txt msgs anyway.

 

The fact that the ex is in town and the bf gets a love heart tattoo commemorating her just prior to her arrival is pretty sus. It was already a tacky issue with the love heart but to suddenly do it now just as the ex is back in town for the first time in yrs so he can show her is even more crummy to his current gf imo. (like their is secondary motive) Having the ex over at a party I don't think is going to make any difference in terms of how he feels towards his gf feels compared to that.

 

OP needs to have a good eye to eye talk with her bf, and I'd keep the snooping up while the ex is in town. Really though if the bf stills burns a candle at shrine for the ex, and if he can convince the ex on the phone or in person that they can be great again, then keeping a leash/monitor on the bf is a bit pointless. Sure it can help prevent cheating but you can't stop the bf from pitching a 2nd chance, which could be in his mind more than a ons I'd say.

[Poptree]

Really silly of him to get a tattoo of any girls name that he is not blood related to

[poolhallprincess]

My advice, and I am talking from experiencing failure in this, is to watch him closely and do some proof-searching before you confront him more. Spy on him for a bit, keep your guard up. He has been going behind your back. That is fact.

 

I have said all along I plan to get the facts first. I am and will continue to monitor the situation.

 

So far I have found nothing except what has already been discussed. I know where he is pretty much all the time, I can't even see when he would have had time to catch up with her without me wondering where he was. In fact he couldn't even skip work to meet her as he works with two of my cousins so I'd know if he wasn't at work.

 

Sure he has been an inconsiderate jerk with the things he has done, that warrants some harsh words but it's not break-up material. Hopefully that is all he has done. Only time will tell.

 

----

 

Just on the love heart tattoo as well, I think I maybe unintentionally misled a little. I did call it a love heart but I suppose technically that is not correct, a love heart being red???. The tattoo is in the shape of a heart but it is the colors of the Italian flag, his ex being Italian. I'm not trying to downplay the significance of it, he still got it without asking and it is still a heart. I'm not sure if that makes people see it any differently but I just thought I'd share that because many seem fixated on the tattoo.

[Keke1]

I have said all along I plan to get the facts first. I am and will continue to monitor the situation.

 

So far I have found nothing except what has already been discussed. I know where he is pretty much all the time, I can't even see when he would have had time to catch up with her without me wondering where he was. In fact he couldn't even skip work to meet her as he works with two of my cousins so I'd know if he wasn't at work.

 

Sure he has been an inconsiderate jerk with the things he has done, that warrants some harsh words but it's not break-up material. Hopefully that is all he has done. Only time will tell.

 

----

 

Just on the love heart tattoo as well, I think I maybe unintentionally misled a little. I did call it a love heart but I suppose technically that is not correct, a love heart being red???. The tattoo is in the shape of a heart but it is the colors of the Italian flag, his ex being Italian. I'm not trying to downplay the significance of it, he still got it without asking and it is still a heart. I'm not sure if that makes people see it any differently but I just thought I'd share that because many seem fixated on the tattoo.

 

If you have to resort to spying the relationship is over. How long you drag it out is up to you. Talk to the guy. You seem concerned that he may tell you he is still in love with her. Do you feel like you are in limbo?

[juicygirl]

Just on the love heart tattoo as well, I think I maybe unintentionally misled a little. I did call it a love heart but I suppose technically that is not correct, a love heart being red???. The tattoo is in the shape of a heart but it is the colors of the Italian flag, his ex being Italian. I'm not trying to downplay the significance of it, he still got it without asking and it is still a heart. I'm not sure if that makes people see it any differently but I just thought I'd share that because many seem fixated on the tattoo.

 

 

Op, I'm sorry I don't want to be cruel, but seriously this post is making me laugh out loud. Explaining that he got the heart in the colours of her country's flag just made it worst, too funny On a serious note, a lot if us here, are older and have been around the block a few times and can spot the signs of a doomed relationship. You may feel people are being hard on you, but mostly people are just being honest. If you need a start playing detective the relationship is over as the trust is gone

 

Are you scared if you question him, he'll reveal his true feelings for her? You seem to put up with a lot of rubbish, you're making a lot of excuses for his ill behaviour, which suggest you don't value yourself or have low self esteem.

 

Best of luck, but I hope you learn from this.

[ThatMan]

Have you ever heard of relationship recycling?

Relationship Recycling is when a lot of bad things happen in a relationship but nothing worthy enough to warrant an official breakup. This is a cycle of repeated grievances over, and over, and over without anything being resolved. The end result is either a lot of bad moments in a relationship or couples constantly wanting to break up and then come back together.

When is this unhealthy?

After serious transgressions remain unresolved. When multiple problems like your own exist, the conventional relationship expectations are thrown out the window. Couples often hit a road block at some point, possibly take a break from the relationship until their differences can be addressed, and then they resume together. Learning to deal with all the bad moments in your relationship by dismissing your own emotions rather than address them is unhealthy by definition.

Why do people get caught in these cycles?

Are you fearful of the next step? (financial burdens, the prospects of having to date again, etc)

Are you afraid to be alone?

Do you believe you won't find anyone as good as him?

 

 

The point of view you've shared with us is that his known choices are unworthy of consideration. You aren't willing to leave him unless he officially admits to/or is caught cheating. Maybe you've accepted this outlook as your model of the world. Your outlook doesn't make his actions any less inappropriate. There are women out there in abusive marriages who remain. They spend their days telling themselves that, since their husbands haven't attempted to murder them yet, the rest of their husband's inappropriate behavior is acceptable. You're not so different than these women. If you want to go about things differently than have an open and sincere conversation with your spouse. Help him understand your thoughts and feelings. If he values your comfort in this relationship then the two of you will go on to address the problem together. He isn't obligated to particularly care about your comfort at all, especially if his ex is so close to his heart. There is nothing you can do to change that and make him love you more and love her less. You have to come to accept that.

Edited June 10, 2014 by ThatMan
phone...

[Spectre]

My boyfriend got a tattoo with his ex gf’s name!!

 

We’ve been together 5 years, he has many tatts, he has two with my name.

 

I’ve always known what his ex meant to him, it’s something that he has always been open and honest about. A few weeks ago he came home after a week away with his mates with a tattoo of her name IN A LOVE HEART on his back. His explanation was that she shaped his life and changed him for the better (all true) and this was to honor and acknowledge that change.

 

I wont pretend I was happy but I accepted his explanation and we moved on after agreeing that next time he will run any tatts past me first.

 

I must have been subconsciously worried because for the first time ever I snooped through his phone. Without going into details he has been chatting to her via text messages, I couldn’t see any sent or received calls, but the most worrying part is that she wanted “to meet for lunch AGAIN, same place as USUAL” !!!!!!

 

As best I can tell they got back in contact 3 months ago and they text on average once every 2-3 days. However there is nothing about any previous lunches or meetings which makes the “meet for lunch again” text seem rather strange.

 

Now I’m paranoid I’m being played here and that they are together and I’m just being laughed at behind my back. I will of course be confronting him but I just wanted to survey other people to gauge their opinions.

 

So what say you? Is there any chance this is all legit?

 

To be honest I don't often do this, but your post had me wondering if YOU were legit. It's hard to figure out how your bf of 5 years tatoo's another chicks name on him and that isn't pretty much a cut and dry case of why you should leave him. In what dimension is this something that is okay?

 

The reasons he fed you are BS. She shaped his life, okay? So you say "thank you" you don't get a damn permanent inking of her name on you. That's creepy as hell.

 

Even ignoring the tatoo, this guy is having lunches with an ex who "shaped his life" ? Even if he wasn't deceiving you about these..your bf is just playing with fire there.

 

Though you are of course getting played here. This is no way, no WAY WHATSOEVER this guy loves you. Not if he tatoo's another females name on him while with you.

[HappyLove]

"Just on the love heart tattoo as well, I think I maybe unintentionally misled a little. I did call it a love heart but I suppose technically that is not correct, a love heart being red???. The tattoo is in the shape of a heart but it is the colors of the Italian flag, his ex being Italian. I'm not trying to downplay the significance of it, he still got it without asking and it is still a heart. I'm not sure if that makes people see it any differently but I just thought I'd share that because many seem fixated on the tattoo."

 

This is even WORSE! He is in love with this woman!

 

Sigh, we'll be here for you when you wake up. Good luck!

[Spectre]

I am still stunned by the people willing to convict before there's even a trial.

 

I'm stunned you just typed out this sentence with a straight face. I'm honestly not trying to be rude here, but I have to ask if you feel you have low self esteem? I can't figure out any other reason you would be stunned that people think it is shady your boyfriend tatooed another girls name on him..while in a relationship? Not just any relationship, but you have been with him 5 years.

 

Let me tell you something: if your boyfriend isn't cheating on you with this girl and if he truly has no romantic feelings for her..he still has no respect for you. Just no respect for your feelings at all. He couldn't of possibly thought this wouldn't hurt you. I'd be heartbroken if my gf came home one day with another mans name tatooed on her.

 

As far as facts go, this woman is not hanging around, she has texted my bf a couple of times a week and from the way the texts read nothing is out of order except asking to meet for lunch again. And even that text doesn't suggest it is all to be done in secret.

 

The other fact is of course the tattoo. Which if I am to believe someone who has been forever honest with me was a stupid thing to do without asking and he acknowledges that and the meaning behind why it was the style he got which has been explained.

 

Him being forever honest means nothing because actions speak louder then words.

 

It's not a fact he has met her,

 

It is impossible for them to be meeting for lunch AGAIN unless he has.

 

it's not a fact that he got the tatt because he loves her, it's not a fact he wants to be back with her, it's not a fact she's back to be with him.

 

You are correct about all of this. It is a fact though that your boyfriend just can't be that into you. Come on, any guy should KNOW better. This is like if your gf asks her if an outfit makes her look fat, no guy should be dumb enough to reply with "yes" even if it actually does.

 

What your boyfriend has done here is show you no respect and show he doesn't care for your feelings. Getting a tatoo of this woman was more important to him then his gf of 5 years.

 

Now some or even all of those may turn out to be true and if they do then obviously we are finished but I can't for the life of me understand why people want me to make the assumption that all those non-facts are indeed true and I should end it now. Why would I not wait and find the truth?

 

Even if you find out he doesn't love her and isn't cheating, you still know that he got her name tatooed on him, while he was with you. Do you honestly feel that says anything good about his love for you? Surely you can't think that is a good sign. It might be a sign he doesn't love her, I'd say it is a sign he doesn't love you though.

 

Yes, she is my friend. I did invite her when I heard she was back in the country and I invited her before I asked my bf because I knew he would be happy to see her as would I.

 

She is a good person, their relationship is long over, I am friends with her, why would I not invite my friend to my birthday?

 

If she is such a good friend how come she didn't mention having lunch with your man?

 

Surely there is no rule that I must hate my bf's ex?

 

No rule that says that, though you probably don't invite your bf's exes to your own b-day party. There also IS indeed a rule that you do not tatoo your ex gf's name on you while you are dating someone.

[No Limit]

I am still stunned by the people willing to convict before there's even a trial.

 

You will shake your head at your own post in a few weeks, months...

 

Surely there is no rule that I must hate my bf's ex?

 

It's not about hating someone because you 'claimed her ex' or anything like that. It's about who this guy is investing, the relationship with you or the relationship with her. Right now it's clear he's starting to get warm again with her and all you do is 'observe' as you say - which is equal to nothing because truth be told, unless you make an ultimatum and he decides to be with you rather than her he'll be gone. He already is gone actually, but maybe you're able to prolong the inevitable.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I'm sorry that your BF has become this after 5 years. But this is it, and beating the dead horse won't get you any further, no matter how hard you try.

 

I'd also like to ask what you have in mind to do right now specifically? Are you really just going to let him be and wait for his decision?

[ExpatInItaly]

He's still in love with her.

[jbelle6]

OP, do you know why we are so quick to condemn? Read around the forums, you might think your relationship is a special case, but it's not. Relationships tend to have patterns, humans have patterns of behavior. When people have checked out of a relationship they behave a certain way, when people cheat they behave a certain way. That's why most breakups are rather cliche.

 

You seem to think that since you found messages that this means he didn't delete any, but that's not proof there weren't more. In fact, another poster on here found innocuous texts between her guy and his "friend" so thought it was on the up and up, only to find out that he just deleted the incriminating texts. You can just delete one text, you don't have to delete the entire conversation.

 

Maybe I'm vain, maybe I am too entitled, but I wouldn't care if he was cheating or not anyways, that tattoo would be humiliating to me and I think I'm too good to have a man that would tattoo another woman's name on him. But, if you are cool with that, then great.

 

Last thing, when your threads get to be pages long and no one agrees with you, you should take a sec to ponder if your defense of the guy is warranted.