noww Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 I'll be upfront here and say: I cheated on my boyfriend 3 months into our relationship. I kissed another man. I was so abhorred by what I had done that at first I did not know what to do. So.. I consulted google. "I kissed another man while drunk, should I tell?", "Is it cheating when I kissed someone else while drunk?" are some of the examples I searched for. And I read. A lot. A lot of experiences and thoughts on this subject. And let me tell you.. Cheating IS cheating. There is NO grey area. I don't understand why people ask random strangers from the internet to ease their conscience? When I was reading all these responses, they mainly divided into two: to fess up & for the love of god, do not tell them!!!!! But tell me, what's the use if someone on yahoo answers tells you, hey buddy, kissing is not cheating and alcohol makes you do stupid things, just learn from the mistake and keep your mouth shut? Because honestly, it did not help me. And you know why? Because I KNEW that my partner would STILL think it was cheating. Which brings me to my point.. Whether something is or is not cheating is not up to anyone else to decide except THE TWO OF YOU who are in the relationship. If you know your partner considers kissing cheating then no amount covering **** up and sweeping it under the rug can change the fact that you indeed, did cheat on them. Yes, what they don't know can't hurt them but.. At this point, you ****ed up and shutting up will not undo it. I've read some many stories about people trying to justify their cheating: they were in a long distance relationship and feeling lonely, girlfriend wasn't having sex with them until marriage, wife wasn't having sex with them etc (sorry for the examples, I'm not saying only men cheat, I'm a woman and I cheated so really, no gender bias from me!). But the truth is.. If you're unhappy with some aspect of your relationship, DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR PARTNER PRIOR to cheating them. What is the point to cheat and THEN start finding reasons why you had every right to do it? There is a reason they say communication is the key.. I've also see people trying to say, but aren't there degrees of cheating? Yes, there maybe "degrees" of cheating but at the end of the day, it's up to the one who got cheated on to decide what they are. Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that don't cheat. Just don't do it. If you're having problems with your relationship, talk about them with your partner and if you can't work things out, break up. Yeah, breaking up sucks but at least it's an honest thing to do. Noone can force you to be in a relationship with someone but cheating, that is inexcusable. ANYWAY, I would LOVE to hear all kinds of opinions on this and how YOU feel. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Hard to disagree. You can dance about the definition all you want. If the betrayed partner considers it cheating you're done. If you don't want to give your partner a reason to break up with you (because you actually prefer being in a RS with him over being in a RS with anyone else, or worse even, alone) then just don't cheat. I had an emotional affair. I felt like **** after seeing what I did to my partner at the time. I made this girl suffer and cry very hard because I was a coward. I was selfish and I have to live with having hurt someone very badly who did no wrong to me. Later I suspected my GF of cheating, and if she didn't, it got awfully close. Also a ****ty feeling. It's just really ugly. And for the cheater, I don't know all motivations why someone would cheat, but the ones I have experienced seem very hard to avoid with a simple strategy. In this sense I'd go against the thread title, it is very grey. I don't know how I could have avoided emotionally or physically cheating on my girl at the time in the situation and with the experience I had. I was smitten with the other girl, I couldn't think right. I couldn't break it off with the affair partner and unwind things with my original partner first because maybe I feared losing both of them. The affair partner knew about the original partner though and for the last 6 months the original partner knew about the EA. Cheating is very black and white though when it comes to the consequences. They're devastating for principled people. I guess there are some people who can brush it off more easily, but I have yet to meet them. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 White = people who don't cheat. Black = people who do cheat. There you go. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 The reasons that might cause a person to feel the need to cheat might not be black and white, but yeah, cheating kinda is black and white. You either do it or you don't, and it's not hard to refrain from it so..it really is that simple. People get confused, love is complicated, but cheating isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thicke2013 Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 I love your honesty here. It shows me that you have taken responsibility for your actions and you have also taken the necessary steps to make sure that it never happens again. Good for you. I couldn't agree with you more. I too cheated on my wife. There were many reasons leading up to the point where I cheated that can be blamed on the both of us. Bottom line is, I cheated. I haven't nor will I make excuses for it. I made the wrong choice and yes it was a choice. I too feel that I have dissected the situation and have made the changes in myself to ensure that I will never cheat again. Cheating is black and white and you are correct, the definition is up to the couple to decide. My fiance' and I have talked this through many times and we agree on our definitions of cheating. Example, she had an ex that would contact her a few times a year and just check up on her. This ex was married and was contacting her without the knowledge of his wife. This bothered me. We talked about it and she asked him not to contact her anymore. I have done similar things for her. Everyone's definition will be different. Cheating for me is a cowardly act. Yes I know I am calling myself a (former) coward. I had wanted out of my marriage for many, many reasons for about 4 years. Now that we have been divorced for almost 2 years, she agrees that we were just going through the motions. I always made excuses in my head as to why I couldn't leave right now and it was always about my kids. I was so scared that they would associate our split with a certain holiday or time of year and I didn't want to do that to them. What I ended up doing to them by cheating was far worse than associating any holiday or birthday with Dad leaving mom. Lesson learned. It has all worked out for me but it was not pretty in the beginning. As for the "degrees" of cheating, they also depend on the person who was cheated on. Example, to some, kissing a guy at a bar while drunk may be a deal breaker and most likely would be for me as well but I could forgive that easier than an EA with some guy that she works with and has been exchanging intimate details with. All are still cheating, some may be forgivable, others not. Simplest solution as you stated, don't cheat. Period. Great Post! Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 The reasons that might cause a person to feel the need to cheat might not be black and white, but yeah, cheating kinda is black and white. You either do it or you don't, and it's not hard to refrain from it so..it really is that simple. People get confused, love is complicated, but cheating isn't. Quite a few women women on here, think looking at porn is the equivalent of cheating or going to a topless car-wash or a bar. Just because my gf wants to class that as the same as cheating, I am not going to bow my head in shame and be fine with being in the dog house for months and having to do lots of extra stuff to suck up to her to make up for it, or having her tell other friends & acquaintances that I'm a dirty cheater who shat over our relationship. & her love. Uh-uh. If she had made it clear at the very beginning of the relationship that she considers that cheating, then yes, I can appreciate she is going to accuse me of cheating if she saw me looking at porn.com. In my mind I wont be a cheater though. I will have betrayed her faith in me, and I will regret if the relationship blows up or if I made her cry, but I will not confess ever that I am a cheater. Really though if a woman told me in the dating stages that ever seeing a naked woman apart from in an art gallery or on a tv show with her there or if me making a little flirty 'non smutty' comments to another woman was cheating to her, then I would not get in a relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Quite a few women women on here, think looking at porn is the equivalent of cheating or going to a topless car-wash or a bar. Just because my gf wants to class that as the same as cheating, I am not going to bow my head in shame and be fine with being in the dog house for months and having to do lots of extra stuff to suck up to her to make up for it, or having her tell other friends & acquaintances that I'm a dirty cheater who shat over our relationship. & her love. Uh-uh. If she had made it clear at the very beginning of the relationship that she considers that cheating, then yes, I can appreciate she is going to accuse me of cheating if she saw me looking at porn.com. In my mind I wont be a cheater though. I will have betrayed her faith in me, and I will regret if the relationship blows up or if I made her cry, but I will not confess ever that I am a cheater. Really though if a woman told me in the dating stages that ever seeing a naked woman apart from in an art gallery or on a tv show with her there or if me making a little flirty 'non smutty' comments to another woman was cheating to her, then I would not get in a relationship with her. The woman who get pissed over porn..I always found it strange. Since it's like..okay, if my gf asked me not to look at porn I wouldn't, but then I'd expect sex or a blowjob whenever I'm in the mood. Which..wouldn't that piss most women off even more? Since, you can't say to a guy "you can't look at porn, and even when I turn you down for sex you still can't". Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) It depends on what people consider porn. For me Porn is "read only" there is no feedback, it is either video or pictures of that medium. I do not consider looking at photos, videos, mags to be cheating. If that were the case, i guess mental visuals or from one of my favorite movies, "going to the highlight reel" would also be cheating as the argument would then be "visual aids" is cheating and i don't agree with that. If it is chatting or live cams that interact on Porn sites, then i would agree, that is cheating. You are interacting, it is a two-way dynamic because some of them go beyond "read-only." I also do not consider female or male strip clubs to be cheating as all in my state and other states i have been is also "read-only" and strictly enforced.... if we are talking about the clean joints and also not the VIP treatment With all that said, if my wife takes issue with porn; and i used to program databases for a few sites, i tried to be respectful. Certainly i have no issue watching porn but got my wife to enjoy some well down movies in the process of communicating what should be considered cheating. HOWEVER, if guys or girls with porn and let me add toys prefer to watch porn or use their toy over being with the partner, you have serious issues. Edited June 12, 2014 by atreides Link to post Share on other sites
Charlie Harper Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 The important thing here is: You should never do any stuff while intoxicated... there is the lesson. LEARN IT.... don't dodge your main problem. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) I think honestly if someone said to me for the love of god deceive and do not tell them ...i would do the opposite because the love of god does not include any grey area .....you dont lie.....black and white for sure.... i would thank the person who said for the love of god dont tell and say thank you you helped me make the perfect and right move to make i was unsure you put me straight..... and go tell my guy..saying for the love of god....i know gods love is honesty an if i wanted gods l9ove or needed it(which i do) it wouldnt be me being loved by god in deceit and omission...so i would be honest.....no indecision.....deb Edited June 12, 2014 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 I understand what you're saying, but I don't think I can agree with the op. If someone says to me "You cheated on me," and I don't agree, then yes, in her universe, she's been cheated on. However, in my mind, she could be living in a deluded fantasy. If this is the case, we should probably not be together, since we have such different ideas of what it means to cheat, and "keeping the relationship together" is NOT the highest priority, and shouldn't be, in anyone's life. So we should probably break up, but it won't be because "Cheating is black and white!!!!1!" Indeed, it would be for precisely the opposite reason, that it's NOT black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 But it is black and white. Love is complicated, but the decision whether or not to bang some dude behind your bf's back is remarkably simple and a remarkably easy thing to NOT DO. I have been utterly drunk off my ass and around some good looking women and I never once cheated nor did I even have the urge. Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 But it is black and white. Love is complicated, but the decision whether or not to bang some dude behind your bf's back is remarkably simple and a remarkably easy thing to NOT DO. I have been utterly drunk off my ass and around some good looking women and I never once cheated nor did I even have the urge. You were drunk off your ass and hanging around with good looking women? And not only that, you had the audacity to NOTICE thy were good looking? Suppose I say that's cheating in my book? So what you didn't hook up with them? It's emotional cheating! Why? Because I say it is, that's why! And it's a black and white issue, so it must be true. And I'd be perfectly justified going around to everyone I know and telling them "Spectre" is a cheater," right? Anyone have a problem with this logic? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 You were drunk off your ass and hanging around with good looking women? And not only that, you had the audacity to NOTICE thy were good looking? Suppose I say that's cheating in my book? So what you didn't hook up with them? It's emotional cheating! Why? Because I say it is, that's why! And it's a black and white issue, so it must be true. And I'd be perfectly justified going around to everyone I know and telling them "Spectre" is a cheater," right? Anyone have a problem with this logic? If you consider the mere noticing of the attractiveness of other people cheating, then I'm afraid humans are not going to be good partners for you. Finding another person but your GF/BF attractive is no crime, and I think it's admirable that there are people out there who keep their control no matter how intoxicated they are. Those are the strong guys, not the weak ones who then use alcohol as excuse. I once went to a party with a few friends. We were on our way back in when 2 guys stopped us and asked us to hold their drinks while they went to the WCs. When they returned, they thanked us and one of them made a... let's say "remark with hidden intentions" and asked to hang out together - but was denied by his friend who said: "Nah, I'm engaged!" I'm still almost envious of his GF. That guy was drunk, so drunk his speech slurred and his stance didn't look very balanced, and still he refused to even hang out together because he knew his GF wouldn't like it. Partying with a friend, for real. I hope there's a few more of this type out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 If you consider the mere noticing of the attractiveness of other people cheating, then I'm afraid humans are not going to be good partners for you. Finding another person but your GF/BF attractive is no crime.... I don't consider it cheating, but if it were "black and white" there would be nothing to consider. It would be "cheating" or "not cheating" and there'd be nothing to discuss. Obviously, since there is discussion of what is cheating and what is not, it's not black and white. I think you got whooshed by my post. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 White = people who don't cheat. Black = people who do cheat. There you go. I agree. The people trying to justify the cheating are usually LOOKING FOR that grey area. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 I don't consider it cheating, but if it were "black and white" there would be nothing to consider. It would be "cheating" or "not cheating" and there'd be nothing to discuss. Obviously, since there is discussion of what is cheating and what is not, it's not black and white. I think you got whooshed by my post. Nah see the problem here is thinking noticing someone else is attractive is cheating just means that person is crazy and insane. Also, cheating IS black and white, and what you are saying doesn't change that because cheating being black and white isn't really talking about how people might view different things as cheating. But rather, it is black and white in the sense you just DON'T do it if you love and respect your partner. It is that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 You were drunk off your ass and hanging around with good looking women? In the sense I was drunk and in a bar that also had females? Yeah. And not only that, you had the audacity to NOTICE thy were good looking? Suppose I say that's cheating in my book? So what you didn't hook up with them? It's emotional cheating! Why? Because I say it is, that's why! And it's a black and white issue, so it must be true. And I'd be perfectly justified going around to everyone I know and telling them "Spectre" is a cheater," right? Anyone have a problem with this logic? But see you just kind of missed the entire point of what "it is black and white" means. Here is how you should use it: if I was with a girl and she made it clear to me getting drunk with other women present is cheating..well, then..it's not hard for me to not get drunk with other women present, is it? That is what is black and white about it, that I just don't do it and that there is no lame ass excuse for why I could do it, like if I was sad or depressed or any of the lame excuses people give. Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 Ok fair enough. I guess if she made it clear to you, you agreed to her terms and then did it anyway, that would fall under a reasonable definition of black and white cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Nah see the problem here is thinking noticing someone else is attractive is cheating just means that person is crazy and insane. Also, cheating IS black and white, and what you are saying doesn't change that because cheating being black and white isn't really talking about how people might view different things as cheating. But rather, it is black and white in the sense you just DON'T do it if you love and respect your partner. It is that simple. I'm confused about whether you're saying that a person who thinks noticing someone is attractive is cheating is insane, or that it's a problem if we THINK they're insane. As for the second part, if people are not willing to define "cheating" then how can it be black and white to say "DON'T do it!" What exactly are we supposed to not do? I think there's a problem when people are in relationships, and they feel insecure, and they start moving the goalposts, so that all kinds of stuff that was fine before is now considered "disrespectful" or "cheating". I guess that's more of an argument to be clear about exactly what you expect before you get into a relationship with somebody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noww Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) If your gf made it clear she thinks getting drunk with women you find attractive is cheating, you have to choices: either break up with her or respect her definition of cheating and dont do it. FAct is, noone is forcing you to be in a relationship with her under these condiions but if you make the choice to stay, you have no excuses to cheat! Edited June 14, 2014 by noww sorry for he spelling mistakes, my keyboard sucks!! Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) There are also a bunch of freakish women who think masturbation is cheating and get upset when they catch their partner. This is ridiculous. These and women who think porn is cheating are to be avoided in my opinion. What about movies that may happen to have nudity, is that cheating? On the other end of the spectrum there are polyamorous couples and open marriages. The key is to find a partner with the same values as you. Once we've established that, then anything I would not do in complete transparency to my partner is cheating or leading down the road to it. If you have to be sneaky and shady, you're cheating, or are on the way there real fast. OMG The porn addiction lifetime movie Cyber Seduction was THE BEST non intentionally hilarious Lifetime Move EVER!!! http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/cyber-seduction-his-secret-life Edited June 14, 2014 by jbelle6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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