drift Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 An affair doesn't always have to have an unhappy ending. I felt like I needed to post this, firstly to get it off my chest and secondly to let other men/women know that it doesn't always have to have an unhappy ending. So a few months ago an older, attractive male colleague texted me in the evening (I'm 22, he's 43) about F1 a sport we both enjoy, now I didn't realize this and sent him a text back at about midnight thinking he'd respond in the morning. It turns out he was awake and thought he'd offended me due to the lack of response earlier, one thing led to another and our texts became more and more suggestive. So we decided to meet up and have sex when the time was convenient for both, I'm single and he was in a relationship and hadn't had sex with his girlfriend for a few months as she isn't into it anymore due to the menopause. At this point I was under the impression he was unhappy in his relationship. We text throughout the next week hyping each other up, and one Saturday he texts me and says he'll pick me up in the evening and drive us to a hotel. We do exactly that and he drops me off in the morning. Afterwards he confesses to me that he loves his girlfriend so much it's just all he craves is sex and feels immense guilt at what he'd done, and we decide to call it off. A month later, we decide to become friends with benefits, no emotional involvement just sex. So we meet up a second time, and another month later we meet up again for a third time. Now after the third time, when we were sitting down having a coffee I told him I'd never blackmail him because he's been such a great friend to me for years and in return he say's he doesn't want to hurt me. So he leaves the hotel room and then it clicks, he's having sex with me because A. he enjoys it and B. because he's worried about my emotional state if he ends it, he feels trapped between trying to please me and his girlfriend. We arrange a fourth time and we have the best time we've had, it was perfect and that's when I knew it was the end. We're having coffee again in the hotel room and I confess I'm worried about it ending badly for him (as in getting caught, no girlfriend, no house etc) and in return he let's his emotions out, that he can't bear to look at his girlfriend sometimes over what he'd done and feels immense guilt. This time it was the end, and we are both happy with that, we both agree that we'll stay friends, we care about each other and that these memories will stay with us forever. That's exactly what's happened, we still text each other about whatever and we're still really good friends and it will remain that way. I'm happy with making the right decision and he's happy that he's still got the girl he loves, without anyone getting hurt. Yes you might argue he still cheated, but some men probably need that to realize everything they've got. Link to post Share on other sites
noww Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 haha yeah, whatever lets you sleep at night. keep telling yourself what a "happy ending" it was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 An affair doesn't always have to have an unhappy ending. I felt like I needed to post this, firstly to get it off my chest and secondly to let other men/women know that it doesn't always have to have an unhappy ending. So a few months ago an older, attractive male colleague texted me in the evening (I'm 22, he's 43) about F1 a sport we both enjoy, now I didn't realize this and sent him a text back at about midnight thinking he'd respond in the morning. It turns out he was awake and thought he'd offended me due to the lack of response earlier, one thing led to another and our texts became more and more suggestive. So we decided to meet up and have sex when the time was convenient for both, I'm single and he was in a relationship and hadn't had sex with his girlfriend for a few months as she isn't into it anymore due to the menopause. At this point I was under the impression he was unhappy in his relationship. We text throughout the next week hyping each other up, and one Saturday he texts me and says he'll pick me up in the evening and drive us to a hotel. We do exactly that and he drops me off in the morning. Afterwards he confesses to me that he loves his girlfriend so much it's just all he craves is sex and feels immense guilt at what he'd done, and we decide to call it off. A month later, we decide to become friends with benefits, no emotional involvement just sex. So we meet up a second time, and another month later we meet up again for a third time. Now after the third time, when we were sitting down having a coffee I told him I'd never blackmail him because he's been such a great friend to me for years and in return he say's he doesn't want to hurt me. So he leaves the hotel room and then it clicks, he's having sex with me because A. he enjoys it and B. because he's worried about my emotional state if he ends it, he feels trapped between trying to please me and his girlfriend. We arrange a fourth time and we have the best time we've had, it was perfect and that's when I knew it was the end. We're having coffee again in the hotel room and I confess I'm worried about it ending badly for him (as in getting caught, no girlfriend, no house etc) and in return he let's his emotions out, that he can't bear to look at his girlfriend sometimes over what he'd done and feels immense guilt. This time it was the end, and we are both happy with that, we both agree that we'll stay friends, we care about each other and that these memories will stay with us forever. That's exactly what's happened, we still text each other about whatever and we're still really good friends and it will remain that way. I'm happy with making the right decision and he's happy that he's still got the girl he loves, without anyone getting hurt. Yes you might argue he still cheated, but some men probably need that to realize everything they've got. Sorry - but I don't understand the title of the thread after reading what you wrote. This is a 'happy ending'? No offense, but you have no idea what a real emotional affair entails. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Hope she is 22, just a baby. I still thought I could fly at 22. Drift, those memories will not always be happy ones. As you age and mature you will understand that more. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Yeah that's true, if the end justifies the mean, than even fraud and dictatorship doesn't have to end unhappily.. if everyone is careful. To others here, please don't give up, try your best to end the wrong thing and find the happiness righteously. It's hard, but it's not impossible. In the end, I hope you too will realize this, drift. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 You felt it ended happily because it was just sex. You had no emotions involved. If that is true, I am glad for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 It may not be so "happy" if the GF finds out you are still texting each other and wonders why her boyfriend is engaging in so much personal communication with a woman 21 years his junior. BTW...I know 43 year old women can be menopausal but it is highly unusual. Just FYI. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noww Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Yeah the fact that you're still texting and haven't cut each other out of your lives just makes everything even more worse. I cannot believe you call this a happy ending? Link to post Share on other sites
Author drift Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 Ok, maybe my choice of words wasn't correct. When it comes to happiness and unhappiness. Ultimately we deemed that we'd rather be friends, than not friends and neutralize the whole situation and have things like it used to be (as we used to text each other about F1 anyway). They will be happy memories for me as he has been the only man who has treated me well, by being respectful of me emotionally and physically. We were both attracted to each other and decided to mutually end it as we had mutually agreed to start it. To me I've realized that there is no such thing as friends with benefits, any intention we had of no emotional involvement will quickly falter. Note for notserene: his girlfriend is in her mid-50s. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Sounds like you're trying to make digs at his gf. Nice. Whatever floats your boat. Don't kid yourself because you're still in an affair because you can't tell her the extent of your involvement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Ok, maybe my choice of words wasn't correct. When it comes to happiness and unhappiness. Ultimately we deemed that we'd rather be friends, than not friends and neutralize the whole situation and have things like it used to be (as we used to text each other about F1 anyway). They will be happy memories for me as he has been the only man who has treated me well, by being respectful of me emotionally and physically. We were both attracted to each other and decided to mutually end it as we had mutually agreed to start it. To me I've realized that there is no such thing as friends with benefits, any intention we had of no emotional involvement will quickly falter. Note for notserene: his girlfriend is in her mid-50s. I'm sorry that you have been unlucky with men. I do hope that you are able to find a happy relationship with someone who is available to have one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Sounds like you were played. Sure, a man can be very respectful when he wants to get laid. Who knows what he is saying when your not around or online. That's the best indicator of what kind of person he is; the person he doesn't show you. I know many women in the 50's who are highly sexual, so there may be somthing he is doing that is making her pull back. You only have one side of the story. But believe what you want if it makes you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 To me I've realized that there is no such thing as friends with benefits, any intention we had of no emotional involvement will quickly falter. If he's single, then you could've go on with FWB plus F1. But now both of you is cheating a fifty-something woman, that's terrible. You have decided rightly though to end it, kudos on that. May you be strong with that. Don't worry too much, you will find a right guy for you. Maybe not instantaneously as sweet as your MM (he got couples of decades in experience), but definitely can improve and conform to your liking. Be conscience, and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 I think what you are trying to say, and I could be wrong, is that it was a happy ending because it didn't end with a huge dramatic d-day and all the drama that sometimes creates? I agree with above posters who said that this was not an emotional affair. A FWB situation is completely different. I have been in an affair with a married man, and I have had a FWB (for about 4 years, we believe differently religiously and could never be a long term couple or raise children together, but we enjoyed one another), and they are not even in the same ballpark. I care about my FWB guy, still do, he's a great guy, but I don't miss him when he's gone or spend my time thinking about him. When he has a gf or I have a bf, we don't cheat on them to be together, don't have contact. It is, quite simply, JUST FWB. In our off times we remain friends and speak in public, but nothing more than a general friendship with sometimes benefits. The affair on the other hand was a full blown relationship. No emotional detachment like the FWB. It was so much more than FWB, although FWB would have been easier emotionally, it wasn't possible with my exMM, our chemistry on every level was too far beyond that to keep it at that shallow level. Shallow isn't always bad, my FWB and I have been friends for 20 years and will remain so, I'm sure, we get along great, have a lot in common, and are sexually compatible. But I have no desire to pursue anything beyond that with him, it lacks that one factor that makes you want to spend your life with someone. I, like other posters, am glad for you that your FWB situation ended well and that nobody was hurt by it. I am glad that the two of you were able to keep it on a much more casual level than an actual emotional affair. But that ending is easy with a FWB, not with an actual AP where both people are emotionally entwined. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Not sure of the timeline of all this and how long ago it ended but at least you didn't get hurt, manipulated, led on by him and given empty promises. You two had sex 4 times over what time frame? A couple of days/weeks/months? Do understand that innocence of your friendship that you once had is gone, you two crossed the line from platonic to non platonic and even though you (and probably him) believe you can go back to being 'just' friends like nothing happened...Chances are things will be different. If the attraction is strong, in time there's nothing stopping you two from doing it again so DON'T put yourself in a situation alone with him where it could happen. He is twice your age and been around the block a few more times than you so if he wants more sex from you, watch out! You're young, so don't waste any time on him. Find someone who is single.. FWB is between two single people. When one or both are involved it's an affair. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Hi Op! I think you deserve better. You said that a cheater is the only man that has treated you right. This is sad to me... Right off the bat, we know he is a liar, deceitful, has no integrity, and willing to hurt the "one he loves" for a romp in the sheets. People who cheat do not love the other person. They maky think they do but that isn't love. I'm under the impression that you have had a couple negative encounters. I think you should raise your standards because you are worth it. Don't settle for being someone's sidepiece and claim it's the best you have ever been treated. Because I bet when he was with his friends that is not what he is saying about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drift Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 I didn't expect this many responses in a few hours. You know I was really unsure about posting this, as I was scared of others opinions and after reading the responses I'm pleased I did. Thank you all for showing concern! It's difficult to explain because obviously none of us know each other personally. From the beginning I knew he'd never leave his girlfriend for me, nor would he ever fall in love me so I put up that barrier instantly of not falling in love with him. Both he and I never said a word to anyone, not colleagues, family or friends (and I believe him 100%) as a couple members of my family and friends do crossover with his girlfriend through work. Like I said it was a mutual decision to end it, and I'm pleased we did. I've been alone with him since at work and whilst there is still an attraction I can safely say we won't have sex again, as we told each other we care too much to hurt the other one (and of course his girlfriend). We'll always look out for each other just that little bit more now, he's not the sex pest some of you have assumed. In a selfish, personal way I'm glad I did what I did. It has restored my faith that not all men treat women terribly, and he was the prime example of that. I told him that as he left the last time and he said I needed a nice boyfriend! Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 It has restored my faith that not all men treat women terribly, and he was the prime example of that. I don't understand... This older man had a girlfriend, one that, according to him, was having intimacy issues because of her health (menopause). And instead of dealing with that issue in a mature, adult way, he went and slept with someone else. Okay, how is that not treating a woman terribly? 15 Link to post Share on other sites
Author drift Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 because he's worried about my emotional state if he ends it, he feels trapped between trying to please me and his girlfriend. We arrange a fourth time and we have the best time we've had, it was perfect and that's when I knew it was the end. We're having coffee again in the hotel room and I confess I'm worried about it ending badly for him (as in getting caught, no girlfriend, no house etc) and in return he let's his emotions out, that he can't bear to look at his girlfriend sometimes over what he'd done and feels immense guilt. I covered that in my OP. I had confided in him that I've had a terrible time (sexually) with men in the past when he saw some scarring on my arm as a result of self harm. I told him it was a couple years ago and I've grown out of that, he was genuinely worried that he would cause me to do that again should he call this whole thing off, even though he wanted to call it off the second time. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Drift, the fact this taken man feels tremendous guilt and can not look at his girlfriend strongly suggests that this is not something that he will look back on fondly. It will be a time of personal failure for him, not something to reminisce about. The fact he allowed himself to continue when he knew it was not something that he truly wanted will also haunt him. For yourself, how do you feel about betraying a woman that you/your family/friends know? Are you okay with casting yourself in the role of OW to her, when she is going through medical issues? Do you feel those issues justify someone cheating or participate in the cheating? How do you feel about hurting others? Do you only feel your pain? Are you able to be as critical concerning your poor choices/behaviours as you are of former partners? Link to post Share on other sites
Charlie Harper Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 For me an Affair that end up happily is one where one or both divorce, live together and are happy for the rest of their lives… with no big drama and no other people hurt… in real life it happens rarely. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jesienna31 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Drift, the fact this taken man feels tremendous guilt and can not look at his girlfriend strongly suggests that this is not something that he will look back on fondly. It will be a time of personal failure for him, not something to reminisce about. The fact he allowed himself to continue when he knew it was not something that he truly wanted will also haunt him. For yourself, how do you feel about betraying a woman that you/your family/friends know? Are you okay with casting yourself in the role of OW to her, when she is going through medical issues? Do you feel those issues justify someone cheating or participate in the cheating? How do you feel about hurting others? Do you only feel your pain? Are you able to be as critical concerning your poor choices/behaviours as you are of former partners? Why are you giving her such a hard time on this forum? SHe posted as she wanted to share... they both felt it was a mistake and decided to call it off. This I believe she calls as "happy" ending. It is not happy but at least it is not dramatic. They both had mutual respect and agreed to end it. I think it was brave. Everyone makes mistakes and I believe they have learnt theirs. Many other people on this forum (like me for 2 years) carried on with the affair for as long as possible. I think Drift made the right choice to end it, and I think she should be glad she did and happy for herself. I understand that she need to learn the wide consequenses of her actions , such as hurting others, but I think the fact that they didn't let it carry on proves that they were concerned about it and decided to stop, so it doesn't get out of control and causes unnecessary pain to others and themselves. Drift sounds very young and I am sure she will grow into much responsible self-respecting women. Edited June 7, 2014 by jesienna31 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 The affair may not have ended in a DDay (yet), but it certainly did not have a happy ending. Now he will be living with the guilt for doing this to his girlfriend, she will be living in the dark not knowing what her boyfriend did to her, and you were used by a man twice your age to relieve his boredom. Yeah, I don't think anyone came out ahead with this scenario. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 You know I was really unsure about posting this, as I was scared of others opinions Respectfully I say this - If you are this worried/scared of strangers advice/opinions on a message board, then imagine the reaction or what could be said to you if his girlfriend finds out that you've been having sex with her boyfriend. it's not like he led you to believe he was single and available, you knew going in he was with someone. You're old enough to understand consequences and fallout of your own choices. Deep down you know this is wrong, something you may not be proud of.. It has restored my faith that not all men treat women terribly, and he was the prime example of that. I told him that as he left the last time and he said I needed a nice boyfriend! He may have treated you well, but you got treated well by someone who cheated on their girlfriend. He has betrayed his gf and put her sexual health at risk. I doubt too, you're the only one he's cheated with on his gf. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Why are you giving her such a hard time on this forum? SHe posted as she wanted to share... they both felt it was a mistake and decided to call it off. This I believe she calls as "happy" ending. It is not happy but at least it is not dramatic. They both had mutual respect and agreed to end it. I think it was brave. Everyone makes mistakes and I believe they have learnt theirs. Many other people on this forum (like me for 2 years) carried on with the affair for as long as possible. I think Drift made the right choice to end it, and I think she should be glad she did and happy for herself. I understand that she need to learn the wide consequenses of her actions , such as hurting others, but I think the fact that they didn't let it carry on proves that they were concerned about it and decided to stop, so it doesn't get out of control and causes unnecessary pain to others and themselves. Drift sounds very young and I am sure she will grow into much responsible self-respecting women. Where exactly am I giving anyone a hard time? And why the "this forum"? Asking hard questions that challenge our knowledge of ourselves or who we perceive ourselves to be is what fosters the greatest potential for growth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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