chelsea2011 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Drifty, it sounds like he sets himself up to feel trapped and is projecting that onto you and his girlfriend. Saying he doesn't want to hurt his poor menopausal girlfriend and doesn't want you to start cutting again is proof. Everyone around him has issues that make him feel trapped and he isn't taking any respnsibility for his own actions. Nice way to not take responsibility. I highly doubt his gf is as helpless as he is making her out to be. I'm pretty sure if you got her side of the story you would see a completely different picture. She most likely would kick him to the curb if she found out about the two of you. Never be certain of anything until you have ALL the facts. The reality is that it is pretty mean of him to disclose her own personal health issues. That is putting her down to rationalize his own coping mechanisms. It's not right nor is it fair. Just some stuff to think about as you move forward in your search for a "nice boyfriend." Link to post Share on other sites
Author drift Posted June 7, 2014 Author Share Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Why are you giving her such a hard time on this forum? SHe posted as she wanted to share... they both felt it was a mistake and decided to call it off. This I believe she calls as "happy" ending. It is not happy but at least it is not dramatic. They both had mutual respect and agreed to end it. I think it was brave. Everyone makes mistakes and I believe they have learnt theirs. Many other people on this forum (like me for 2 years) carried on with the affair for as long as possible. I think Drift made the right choice to end it, and I think she should be glad she did and happy for herself. I understand that she need to learn the wide consequenses of her actions , such as hurting others, but I think the fact that they didn't let it carry on proves that they were concerned about it and decided to stop, so it doesn't get out of control and causes unnecessary pain to others and themselves. Drift sounds very young and I am sure she will grow into much responsible self-respecting women. Thank you Jesienna31, you summed up (in a much more eloquent way) everything I wanted to project in my OP. Whilst it's awful that his girlfriend will never, ever find out about the two of us. It's a mistake both of us feel awful about and rectified it as soon as we realized if it was going to end, it was going to end badly. Everyone make's mistakes, has everyone on this board been 100% faithful to their partners? No flirting with colleagues? Confided in other people about your relationship? Or had an affair? Edited June 7, 2014 by drift Update Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Hmm, I am not sure you were being used like so many people claim. You both had sex, you both enjoyed it. You both are friendly now and are okay with eachother. Life moved on. he learned where he wanted to put his priorities finally. No drama. Sounds fine to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Whilst it's awful that his girlfriend will never, ever find out about the two of us. It's a mistake both of us feel awful about and rectified it as soon as we realized if it was going to end, it was going to end badly. Everyone make's mistakes, has everyone on this board been 100% faithful to their partners? No flirting with colleagues? Confided in other people about your relationship? Or had an affair? Having an affair isn't a "mistake" in my view. It is a conscious, deliberate act. Having a one night stand while drunk could be a mistake...better judgment being clouded by alcohol. This affair was planned, therefore, not a mistake. To answer you questions, yes, I have never been unfaithful, ever. I don't see that changing at any time. Flirting is subjective. Flirting isn't cheating, in my view (and of course the word flirting can mean different things for each person). Confiding in someone about a relationship isn't cheating! That shows me how young you are and how inexperienced at life you are. I hope as you age and mature, you can look back on your actions and see how inappropriate your behavior was and realize what you did was not an innocent sex act. Link to post Share on other sites
jesienna31 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Having an affair isn't a "mistake" in my view. It is a conscious, deliberate act. Having a one night stand while drunk could be a mistake...better judgment being clouded by alcohol. This affair was planned, therefore, not a mistake. I think your comment would be appropriate if she was still in affair, not self-aware that it was a mistake. Everyone does mistakes. EVERYONE!!! She was smart enough to leave that early from this relationship. This is a success I can say, considering other people that are stuck in relationships for years. And yes, in a way it all happened without anyone getting too hurt. Maybe her affair partner feels guilty- but this is all a new lesson for him now to learn. I hope as you age and mature, you can look back on your actions and see how inappropriate your behavior was and realize what you did was not an innocent sex act. I think she already realized that. It is sad that a lot of commentators here are looking at Drift for what she WAS. She came here and admitted her mistakes, she is now on a path forward to more mature and wiser herself. It is sad that people here refuse to look at her in a new light and can only see what she WAS at the time of the affair. You only see mistakes that she made, but she IS NOT HER MISTAKES. I trust she is already beyond that. Edited June 7, 2014 by jesienna31 Link to post Share on other sites
Rar0 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 I think she already realized that. It is sad that a lot of commentators here are looking at Drift for what she WAS. She came here and admitted her mistakes, she is now on a path forward to more mature and wiser herself. It is sad that people here refuse to look at her in a new light and can only see what she WAS at the time of the affair. You only see mistakes that she made, but she IS NOT HER MISTAKES. I trust she is already beyond that. The commentators are haters, shouldn't dwell much on that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 Yep. I've definitely made mistakes and paid a HUGE price for them or shall I say one in particular. Experience can be the best teacher sometimes. However, I looked at myself really hard to find the reasons behind my actions and corrected them. I think my post came across harsh because your opening post seemed more of a statement to someone as opposed to seeking support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 You might feel differently if you were emotionally invested. It sounded like the meet ups were spaced out far enough that you didn't get fully bonded to him yet. Which is good for you because it's complete torture once that takes a hold of you and there will be no happy ending when you part ways then, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drift Posted June 8, 2014 Author Share Posted June 8, 2014 Hmm, I am not sure you were being used like so many people claim. You both had sex, you both enjoyed it. You both are friendly now and are okay with eachother. Life moved on. he learned where he wanted to put his priorities finally. No drama. Sounds fine to me. I certainly don't feel used, we were very respectful of each other with regards to our respective personal lives and not letting this interfere with it. It ended as well as anything like this can do. You might feel differently if you were emotionally invested. It sounded like the meet ups were spaced out far enough that you didn't get fully bonded to him yet. Which is good for you because it's complete torture once that takes a hold of you and there will be no happy ending when you part ways then, ever. We've always had a bond as friends, and like I've said I've been alone with him since and whilst there is still that attraction between us (why should that diminish?). We just talked about anything really like we used to, no awkwardness. When I told him about my previous bad times with men and my bought of self harming (which will not be repeating itself!). I could tell he felt very protective of me as he wanted to end it since the first time (when he realized he made a grave error of judgement), but was worried history would repeat itself. When I realized that that's what he was doing, cheating on his girlfriend aside I had even more respect for him and that's when I decided to end it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) Hi drift, you never answered my question: how is what he did to his girlfriend not treating a woman terribly? Just because he treated you well, that excuses other behavior? Everyone make's mistakes, has everyone on this board been 100% faithful to their partners? No flirting with colleagues? Confided in other people about your relationship? Or had an affair? To answer your question, I cheated on my husband. It was the worst choice I ever made. Edited June 8, 2014 by Bittersweetie Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Whilst it's awful that his girlfriend will never, ever find out about the two of us. It's a mistake both of us feel awful about and rectified it as soon as we realized if it was going to end, it was going to end badly. Well done Drift. You don't know how often I have wished that my WS and her AP, who continuously told each other that "this is going to end badly", didn't then do WHAT they SHOULD have done, and walk away from the sordid affair. Instead they dragged me into their sh-t and now I have 2-3-5-30 years of recovery to deal with and the two of them have simply ended it and gone total NC. What a friggin waste of time it was for them, and now for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 We'll always look out for each other just that little bit more now, he's not the sex pest some of you have assumed. Drift, although it seems to me you and your exMM think you have ended your A, the above sentence. imho, indicates a continuation of the A. This nurturing energy (emotional intimacy) that goes out from each of you to the other steals something from your MM's gf. It really isn't fair to his gf to have this between the two of you. Imo, it's also setting you up for boundary issues in your own life and R's with men you may date or one you may marry. I encourage you to consider honestly whether or not you would want your H someday to have a R such as this going on with a woman. And you not know about it. And whether you really want to continue doing this (giving your intimate emotions away to a MM) to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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