i cheated on my husband and feel sick inside [update- apparent date rape]

[how could I]

i just did the stupidest thing of my life and i dont know what to do or who to turn to. i cant even think straight and i feel so completely alone and shattered. i cheated on my husband last night and i dont know how to tell him or what to tell him or even if i shuld tell him. if i tell him the truth he wont believe me. but i have never lied to him before. i feel sick inside. it isn't a long story because it wasnt planned and i never thought id do something like this even drunk. last night i went to out with some girlfriends. we were going to go sing karaeoke and a small pub we usually go to but my one friend said we shuld stop at this new guy she was dating's house because he had invited her to a small house party. kareoke takes a while to get really going so we thought nothing of it and we hadnt met her new boyfriend yet so we went.

 

the guy was nice and the party really small and relaxed. not some wild thing just people sitting around visiting and a few playing with a kinect. nothing scketchy at all! we all told my friend that her new boyfriend was really hot and he was. He invited us to have a few drinks and so we did. and we had some shots and that is the last i remember. i am not lying i have never been blackout drunk and it is awful and i dont ever want to be again. it is like today my mind is trying really hard to remember but i can only pull up bits and pieces that make no sense and seem more like a dream. i remember my friend snogging her boyfriend and thinking they were being awfuly public about it. and a few other non important things.

 

i woke up feeling really sick and really needing a pee and saw i was in a strange room. it took me a second to even remember the sober part of the nite and that is when i saw i was in a strange room. it is all really blurry even though it only happened this morning. but i saw my tights were on the floor and my skirt was shoved up. i started shaking and crying and got my tights on but couldnt find my panties anywhere. i really didn't look. i didnt see anyone and i wanted to just get home. the thing was i wasn't even in the same house i was in an apartment. my coat was on the floor by the door and i grabbed it and ran. my wallet and cellphone were in the pocket so i called a cab when i got to the street.

 

i have never had a one night stand. i have never done anything even close to that or wanted to. i think they are dangerous. i felt disgusted with myself. my husband wasnt home when i got there. i had a text from him that was so sweet saying he was going to take the kids to soccar today because i was probably hungover. the plan had been for me to stay at my friends house if we were out too late.

 

i dont know what my friends did or what they know. no one has called me and i am scared to ask them. i dont know who the guy (girl?) was and i don't know what happened. i just know some part of me thought it was okay to go home with a complete stranger. i keep trying to remember but i can't.

 

what shuld I do? i put myself in my husbands shoes and i think it would be really hard to believe him if he said he couldnt remember. we have three kids and i love my life. i am so scared to lose it all. i wish we hadnt went to that house or that i had realized i was getting so drunk and stopped. ive always held my liquer well and behaved well. i never have thought alcohol is an excuse for bad behavior. please someone help me figure this out?

 

i fell awful. i am really positive i had sex because i hurt and there are a few bruises on my arms like from a hand. i cheated on my husband and i want to die. a car crash would have been better.

[chelsea2011]

Gosh, it sounds like you may have been drugged and raped. I would go to the hospital and ask them to examine you using a rape kit. Deal with this right away to get it on record and they will guide you from there. Wow.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

It sounds like your drink was spiked. If you didn't consent, it's rape, no doubt about it! You need to talk to your friends and ask them wth happened? You also need to get yourself checked out - and tell your husband!!!

 

In future, never ever allow strange people to mix your drinks, never put your drink down and leave it!

[painfullyobvious]

This almost sounds like ruffies or you ingested something that knocked you out. It's one thing to blackout quite another to block out time going to another building. Talk to your friends find out what happened. I don't want to jumpnthe gun here but you may have been drugged and raped.

[Hope Shimmers]

This sounds like Rohypnol (the date rape drug).

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

You need to first talk to your friends and see if you can get some idea of what happened according to them. And you need to get checked out by a healthcare professional.

[Hope Shimmers]

Also, even if you were NOT drugged - if you were too inebriated to give consent then it's rape. This is not an affair! You need to get help - please do.

[sweet_pea]

I'm going to have to agree with the other posters. What you are describing-- the feeling like it was a dream, blacking out completely, not feeling well when you wake up, only recalling bits and pieces of the night sound like you were drugged and raped. I am SO sorry that that has happened to you… no you did not cheat, you were completely violated without consent. PLEASE go get checked out by a doctor/hospital and tell them what happened. Also, I think you definitely need to tell your husband so he can support you and help you through all of this. Also you need to talk to your friends and ask them what happened. They may possibly be able to piece together what happened. They shouldn't have let you go off with some strange guy. Once again, I am really, really sorry this has happened to you.

[nofeelings22]

People, this happens hundreds of times a night. She got wasted and cheated. All her friends were there, so obviously she decided to go to this person's house and hook up. They wouldn't have let her do it if she was drugged and being carried out by this imaginary rapist you are all concocting.

 

Screaming rape to her is not what she needs.

 

This is a life lesson for her. Don't go out and do that again. If you are going to be cheating when you black out (super common... not rape), then do not ever drink that much again. Stay home with your husband or go out together.

 

I would not tell your husband because it was beyond meaningless. A blacked out hookup is certainly not emotional cheating, which is the bad kind. More of a slip up. Telling him will needlessly damage your marriage.

 

Take all the guilt you feel and bottle it up. Bottle it up into some new insight into life and why you are putting yourself, a happily married woman, into stupid situations like this in the first place.

 

A hard lesson, but I doubt that will ever happen again.

[how could I]

i am feeling very afraid for my friends now because none of them have contacted me. there were four of us. i am going to go to the hospital now. i called my husband and asked him to take the kids to my mum's and to meet me there.

 

i feel like i will wake up at any moment. i wish i could. i texted my friends as soon as i read the drug thing but still no word. thanks you everybody for your help.

[how could I]

nofeelings 22. i feel more your way before but i know i could not bottle this guilt up. i am not the kind of person who can do that it will destroy me. i feel so dirty and awful. i feel sorry for all the people who do drunken mistakes because i had no idea it could happen so badly. i think i judged them way to harshly and now i know anyone when losing track of how much you drink can do things they will regret.

 

but i am still going to the hospital to make sure i wasn't drugged.

[nofeelings22]

Oh, and get tested for STIs immediately! Do not put your husband at risk of disease.

[sweet_pea]

People, this happens hundreds of times a night. She got wasted and cheated. All her friends were there, so obviously she decided to go to this person's house and hook up. They wouldn't have let her do it if she was drugged and being carried out by this imaginary rapist you are all concocting.

 

Screaming rape to her is not what she needs.

 

This is a life lesson for her. Don't go out and do that again. If you are going to be cheating when you black out (super common... not rape), then do not ever drink that much again. Stay home with your husband or go out together.

 

I would not tell your husband because it was beyond meaningless. A blacked out hookup is certainly not emotional cheating, which is the bad kind. More of a slip up. Telling him will needlessly damage your marriage.

 

Take all the guilt you feel and bottle it up. Bottle it up into some new insight into life and why you are putting yourself, a happily married woman, into stupid situations like this in the first place.

 

A hard lesson, but I doubt that will ever happen again.

 

SMH. Either way you slice it… she was raped. She didn't give her consent to whoever did this to her. Whether she blacked out from drinking or blacked out from being drugged… she blacked out. Which means she was not awake or able to give consent to whatever happened. Goodness.

 

Don't listen to this poster, please. Go get checked out and make sure you are ok.

[nofeelings22]

nofeelings 22. i feel more your way before but i know i could not bottle this guilt up. i am not the kind of person who can do that it will destroy me. i feel so dirty and awful. i feel sorry for all the people who do drunken mistakes because i had no idea it could happen so badly. i think i judged them way to harshly and now i know anyone when losing track of how much you drink can do things they will regret.

 

but i am still going to the hospital to make sure i wasn't drugged.

 

 

 

Seriously.... don't wreck your marriage though. Talk to anyone but your husband. Yes, it's your fault for getting into the situation, but when blacked out, we all do things that are very out of the ordinary. For all you know, you may have thought it WAS your husband. Your intentions may have been pure in the blackout state.

 

It's not something to wreck your marriage over. Please don't.

[nofeelings22]

SMH. Either way you slice it… she was raped. She didn't give her consent to whoever did this to her. Whether she blacked out from drinking or blacked out from being drugged… she blacked out. Which means she was not awake or able to give consent to whatever happened. Goodness.

 

Don't listen to this poster, please. Go get checked out and make sure you are ok.

 

 

Are you kidding?! Have you ever gone out a night in your life? "Consent?"

 

Buddy, you need yo go drink a ton and figure out what blacked out really is. You aren't sleeping or unconscious. You are wide awake, doing lots of crazy stuff because your inhibition center is basically fully shut off. So is your short term memory. Please at least open a book.

 

People go home or find a spot to go have sex. I've never asked for consent or issued a field sobriety test on girls I've hooked up with. If someone doesn't say no, stop, we can't, etc... and is not sleeping, that •is• "consent.

 

Don't listen to this guy.

Edited June 7, 2014 by nofeelings22

[janedoe67]

Are you kidding?! Have you ever gone out a night in your life? "Consent?"

 

Buddy, you need yo go drink a ton and figure out what blacked out really is. You aren't sleeping or unconscious. You are wide awake, doing lots of crazy stuff because your inhibition center is basically fully shut off. So is your short term memory. Please at least open a book.

 

People go home or find a spot to go have sex. I've never asked for consent or issued a field sobriety test on girls I've hooked up with. If someone doesn't say no, stop, we can't, etc... and is not sleeping, that •is• "consent.

 

Don't listen to this guy.

 

I don't know a nice way to say this. You are wrong...and the law AGREES that you are wrong. Period.

[janedoe67]

OP, if you remember doing shots and then do not remember anything until the next morning.....

 

Sorry, this ain't no affair. It may have been poor drinking judgement.

 

And yes, I have not ever been that drunk, but sadly I have SEEN people drunk, and if you were that messed up no guy with a conscience or character would have assumed consent.

[nofeelings22]

I don't know a nice way to say this. You are wrong...and the law AGREES that you are wrong. Period.

 

 

 

You are wrong. Period.

 

How many people here ask for "consent" when having sex? lolol

 

It's not a predatory situation. It's two people deciding to hook up.

 

What, do you take out some paperwork and have them sign?

 

This is ridiculous. Someone blacks out and hooks up and the first thing the blood thirsty crowd does is cry rape.

 

If the person she hooked up with was blacked out too, they may be telling the same story. So the "raped" each other?

 

Common sense.

[janedoe67]

You are wrong. Period.

 

How many people here ask for "consent" when having sex? lolol

 

It's not a predatory situation. It's two people deciding to hook up.

 

What, do you take out some paperwork and have them sign?

 

This is ridiculous. Someone blacks out and hooks up and the first thing the blood thirsty crowd does is cry rape.

 

If the person she hooked up with was blacked out too, they may be telling the same story. So the "raped" each other?

 

Common sense.

 

If she was blacked out, she did NOT give consent. Unless we're talking necrophilia or something.....

[nofeelings22]

, and if you were that messed up no guy with a conscience or character would have assumed consent.

 

Lolol, so if you are a male and you are as drunk as the OP was, it is your fault you both hooked up? lolol Now I've heard it all. What if it eas a female? The one with the strap on is the guilty party?

 

When a group is together, they are often all about equally drunk.

 

This thread is what is wrong with our country.

 

This is a certifiably insane reaction to someone drinking shots until they black out, then hooking up unintentionally. Wow.... just wow.

[chelsea2011]

OP, if you woke up without any recollection of what happened then you need to consider getting checked out. I was blotto drunk once and remembered everything that happened to other's disappointment I might add.

 

Drunk people remember and drugged people do not.

[Hope Shimmers]

Are you kidding?! Have you ever gone out a night in your life? "Consent?"

 

Buddy, you need yo go drink a ton and figure out what blacked out really is. You aren't sleeping or unconscious. You are wide awake, doing lots of crazy stuff because your inhibition center is basically fully shut off. So is your short term memory. Please at least open a book.

 

People go home or find a spot to go have sex. I've never asked for consent or issued a field sobriety test on girls I've hooked up with. If someone doesn't say no, stop, we can't, etc... and is not sleeping, that •is• "consent.

 

Don't listen to this guy.

 

nofeelings - your name suits you very well. I see why you picked it.

 

As Janedoe said - you are WRONG. From a moral and especially from a legal perspective.

 

Everyone gets what a 'blackout' is. We get that it isn't a literal term and that they are functioning physically during that time, just not mentally. Don't imply that people are stupid.

 

The kind of blackout experience that this poster is describing does not correspond with a few shots. Even if that's all it was, it is RAPE if the person is so inebriated that they cannot give consent. Whether they are walking around or not. YOU should open a book perhaps.

[janedoe67]

Lolol, so if you are a male and you are as drunk as the OP was, it is your fault you both hooked up? lolol Now I've heard it all. What if it eas a female? The one with the strap on is the guilty party?

 

When a group is together, they are often all about equally drunk.

 

This thread is what is wrong with our country.

 

This is a certifiably insane reaction to someone drinking shots until they black out, then hooking up unintentionally. Wow.... just wow.

 

Let me make it clearer. When a girl is acting all loud and sloppy and decides to guy home with a guy and sleep with him, that is not rape. That is bad judgement.

 

When a girl is passed out, any guy who then climbs on top of her and says it was consensual...needs therapy. Same with a woman. If a woman messes with some man while he is passed out, that is equally criminal and creepy.

 

You may be fine with doing unconscious women. most men aren't, and neither is the law.

 

OP, I would get checked out and tested for STD's. And I would talk to your husband because if this has traumatized you in some way you need support.

[nofeelings22]

If she was blacked out, she did NOT give consent. Unless we're talking necrophilia or something.....

 

 

 

Wow.

 

Let me explain what "blacked out" is AGAIN.

 

Blacked out is when you have had enough alcohol that your inhibition center as well as your short term memory center (and rhe part that writes those memories over to long term) are all shut down by things such as having too many shots.

 

I REPEAT: You are wide awake, walking around and able to continue about your evening when blacked out. You just tend to do slightly crazy things and fail to remember anything. That is what blacking out is. It is NOT being unconscious. That is PASSING out.

 

Big difference. Lots of things can and do happen when a person is blacked out. Having sex with someone who is blacked out is normal. Assuming both parties aren't blacked out, the non blacked out party has no way to tell the other party has their inhibition center and memory center shut down. It's consensual.

 

They aren't unconscious or semi conscious. Jeeze. Do any of you drink? Or read at least? Or do you just make everything up based on your "feelings" and "beliefs" ?

[nofeelings22]

nofeelings - your name suits you very well. I see why you picked it.

 

As Janedoe said - you are WRONG. From a moral and especially from a legal perspective.

 

Everyone gets what a 'blackout' is. We get that it isn't a literal term and that they are functioning physically during that time, just not mentally. Don't imply that people are stupid.

 

The kind of blackout experience that this poster is describing does not correspond with a few shots. Even if that's all it was, it is RAPE if the person is so inebriated that they cannot give consent. Whether they are walking around or not. YOU should open a book perhaps.

 

 

 

You are wrong.

 

If someone is dunk abd yoy both hgave sex, this is not rape. Period.

 

The poster's experience is exactly what happens when people do shots. They get very drunk, very quickly.

 

Ifba person is not conscious and functioning, rape. Agreed. The op doesn't even know how she got to another house or anything that happened all night.. Thats blacked out.

[RoseMadder]

Please go to the hospital, tell them what's happened, as well as an examination they can also do a blood screen to see if you have traces of "date rape" drugs in your system. The fact that you hurt down there and have bruises up your arms should tell you all you need to know, consensual sex shouldn't cause pain.

 

You need to tell your husband what happened. Hell, show him your post and the replies you've received if you don't know how to say it, I'm sure he'll come to the same conclusion that (so far) everybody here has come to.

 

Once you've told your husband you need to contact your friends, if you haven't heard from them how do you know the same thing didn't happen to them? They could be in the same situation as you or maybe they can shed some light on what actually happened. I don't know what kind of friend would let an inebriated, married friend go off with a complete stranger. All I can think is maybe someone offered to take you home because you were so "drunk" and your friends thought you'd be safe with that person. You mentioned being ok about going home with someone, maybe you thought they were taking you to your own home? I'm grasping here, just theories, but something happened and for your own sake and the sake of your family you need to find out what.

 

Good luck, I hope you can get the answers you need.