i cheated on my husband and feel sick inside [update- apparent date rape]

[janedoe67]

Wow.

 

Let me explain what "blacked out" is AGAIN.

 

Blacked out is when you have had enough alcohol that your inhibition center as well as your short term memory center (and rhe part that writes those memories over to long term) are all shut down by things such as having too many shots.

 

I REPEAT: You are wide awake, walking around and able to continue about your evening when blacked out. You just tend to do slightly crazy things and fail to remember anything. That is what blacking out is. It is NOT being unconscious. That is PASSING out.

 

Big difference. Lots of things can and do happen when a person is blacked out. Having sex with someone who is blacked out is normal. Assuming both parties aren't blacked out, the non blacked out party has no way to tell the other party has their inhibition center and memory center shut down. It's consensual.

 

They aren't unconscious or semi conscious. Jeeze. Do any of you drink? Or read at least? Or do you just make everything up based on your "feelings" and "beliefs" ?

 

I confess that because I have a modicum of self-control I have never been drunk enough to "black out," I suppose. I have a friend who was, and it was EXTREMELY obvious she was not in her right mind. EXTREMELY.

 

I confess my experience in heavy drinking, partying, and hooking up with random people I will never see again is very limited.

 

Yes, a series of bad choices were made here: the choice to go to an alcohol related girls night out, the choice to go to a stranger's house, the choice to do shots at a stranger's house. I have no idea when or if the choices became non-choices. I can admit that.

 

Neither do you. You have no idea what happened after the blackout either, so you cannot say for sure it was consensual...unless you your are highly experienced in "playing the odds" on consent, which is not necessarily something to be proud of.

[nofeelings22]

Let me make it clearer. When a girl is acting all loud and sloppy and decides to guy home with a guy and sleep with him, that is not rape. That is bad judgement.

 

When a girl is passed out, any guy who then climbs on top of her and says it was consensual...needs therapy. Same with a woman. If a woman messes with some man while he is passed out, that is equally criminal and creepy.

 

You may be fine with doing unconscious women. most men aren't, and neither is the law.

 

OP, I would get checked out and tested for STD's. And I would talk to your husband because if this has traumatized you in some way you need support.

 

 

Agreed, actually.

 

But blacked out is not in any way unconscious.

 

A blacked out person easily (and willmuch more often than sober) give this consent...lol... that you are all on about.

 

She bkacked out. That means she drank so much she doesn't remember the while night. including with her girlfriends. It does not in any way mean the sex she had was rape.

 

This is a crazy, crazy response to someone blacking out and making a bad decision.

[whichwayisup]

Haven't read your whole thread yet just your opening post, sounds like you were raped. Was your drink laced maybe? You don't drink like that ever and you blacked out, felt sick and dizzy, out of it the next day.

 

Please go to the hospital, get blood work done and tell your husband. I don't believe you 'cheated' willingly. Again sounds more like you were drugged. Sorry I don't want to freak you out..

[Hope Shimmers]

Having sex with someone who is blacked out is normal. Assuming both parties aren't blacked out, the non blacked out party has no way to tell the other party has their inhibition center and memory center shut down. It's consensual.

 

No it isn't - not legally. Open a legal textbook. You will see that you are very wrong.

 

It's likely in this case that she WAS passed out because it sounds like she was drugged. But even if she wasn't, it isn't "normal".

 

"Despite years of rape law reform, many people still imagine rape as a crime involving literal force, rather than lack of legal consent.

 

The fact that incapacitated people can’t legally consent to sex remains poorly understood. That confusion affects both potential victims and potential perpetrators, who may not understand the depth of legal trouble their actions may invite. It also provides cover to predators who have been known to use a victim’s voluntary drinking as cover for their assault.

A handbook for attorneys on prosecuting alcohol-facilitated sexual assault created by the National District Attorneys Association acknowledgesthat jurors “tend to assume that the woman consented because she was intoxicated and simply regretted the sexual encounter later. In these cases, the defense tends to argue: ‘It’s not rape; it’s regret,’ or, ‘It’s buyer’s remorse.’”

 

Because inability to consent is not a bright line the way impaired driving is, it often requires making a case to jurors based on several elements of evidence. At the same time, as the NDAA handbooknoted: “Prosecutors must overcome the tendency to focus on and blame the victim and re-direct the focus back to the offender’s actions, and thus on the elements of the crime.”

[Hope Shimmers]

I confess that because I have a modicum of self-control I have never been drunk enough to "black out," I suppose. I have a friend who was, and it was EXTREMELY obvious she was not in her right mind. EXTREMELY.

 

And that is exactly why a case can legally be made that it is nonconsensual and therefore rape. It's the law.

[sweet_pea]

Nofeelings, I don't know why it's so hard for you to believe that she was raped? Rape happens all the time (sadly) and it really isn't that big of a leap to believe that may have happened, given the details she's shared.

[nofeelings22]

I confess that because I have a modicum of self-control I have never been drunk enough to "black out," I suppose. I have a friend who was, and it was EXTREMELY obvious she was not in her right mind. EXTREMELY.

 

I confess my experience in heavy drinking, partying, and hooking up with random people I will never see again is very limited.

 

Yes, a series of bad choices were made here: the choice to go to an alcohol related girls night out, the choice to go to a stranger's house, the choice to do shots at a stranger's house. I have no idea when or if the choices became non-choices. I can admit that.

 

Neither do you. You have no idea what happened after the blackout either, so you cannot say for sure it was consensual...unless you your are highly experienced in "playing the odds" on consent, which is not necessarily something to be proud of.

 

 

 

Right. Agreed again, which is nice for the conversation or debate.

 

The point I'm making is none of you rape folks were there either. It was a rough night for the op. She is dealing with the fallout now. Why would you go and screw her up more by planting a false rape story in her head on top of everything else she is dealing with?

 

That's not fair. I wasn't there. Agreed. But hopefully, none of you were either.

 

Just because someone blacked out, and found evidence they hooked up, you can't scream rape. That's kind of nuts.

 

And i don't mean you janedoe. I'm saying that the way the whole thread stared by everyone crying rape was just wrong.

 

She doesn't need that on top of everything else...

[RoseMadder]

Well everybody thinks something strange has happened apart from the troll who thinks it's ok to have sex with someone who's that drunk they don't remember it the next day. Nobodies saying that blacking out means passing out, but someone who's blacking out drunk is CLEARLY very, very drunk. If you take advantage of someone in that situation you deserve the rape conviction that you will be given.

[janedoe67]

I do think an STD test is important, for you and your spouse.

 

Even if there was blurry consent from both of your, I doubt there was protection used.

 

I feel awful for you either way. I am not a man and have no idea how I would respond to this, but I would hope that the fact that you are so broken over it and do not remember would help your H have some compassion.

[Hope Shimmers]

Right. Agreed again, which is nice for the conversation or debate.

 

The point I'm making is none of you rape folks were there either. It was a rough night for the op. She is dealing with the fallout now. Why would you go and screw her up more by planting a false rape story in her head on top of everything else she is dealing with?

 

That's not fair. I wasn't there. Agreed. But hopefully, none of you were either.

 

Just because someone blacked out, and found evidence they hooked up, you can't scream rape. That's kind of nuts.

 

And i don't mean you janedoe. I'm saying that the way the whole thread stared by everyone crying rape was just wrong.

 

She doesn't need that on top of everything else...

 

No it wasn't. She was told to go get checked out and that it sounded like rape. Her entire first post focused on her thoughts that she had an AFFAIR. The replies were right on the money.

 

You're right, though - these posts are just screwing her up, so perhaps you can stop blaming her now that she has been advised to find out what really happened. Arguing about your lack of knowledge of the law is not the point of this thread. She needs support, not accusations and people to make light of what could be a very serious situation.

[whichwayisup]

i am feeling very afraid for my friends now because none of them have contacted me. there were four of us. i am going to go to the hospital now. i called my husband and asked him to take the kids to my mum's and to meet me there.

 

i feel like i will wake up at any moment. i wish i could. i texted my friends as soon as i read the drug thing but still no word. thanks you everybody for your help.

 

How good of friends are they? This is odd behaviour, not texting you back. Maybe I've watched too many Cop shows but it's like one of them set you up or were involved in this or your friends boyfriend.

 

Glad you contacted your husband. Hope all goes well and please post back when you can.

[nofeelings22]

Nofeelings, I don't know why it's so hard for you to believe that she was raped? Rape happens all the time (sadly) and it really isn't that big of a leap to believe that may have happened, given the details she's shared.

 

 

Um,... because people go out every night and have the same experience?

 

You can't call drinking to blacking out, then finding evidence you left your friends and hooked up in the morning rape. That's crazy.

 

To do so is reckless. You are implicating her cohort on a very serious crime with absolutely zero evidence. Guilty until proven innocent? Mob Justice?

 

There is nothing about this account she wrote that suggests rape. She was with all of her friends.

 

Why create false accusations?

 

I mean I'm bored, on Loveshack and home alone too, but this is a serious real life crime. It should not be taken lightly.

 

Her "rapist" is probably telling the same story. She wasn't at a bar alone. She was with all her people.

[Hope Shimmers]

How good of friends are they? This is odd behaviour, not texting you back. Maybe I've watched too many Cop shows but it's like one of them set you up or were involved in this or your friends boyfriend.

 

Glad you contacted your husband. Hope all goes well and please post back when you can.

 

I agree. Something odd is going on. It's weird that they would not text you back.

 

Original poster - please let us know what happens. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[sweet_pea]

Op-- I'm sorry if my posts freaked you out/alarmed you. I am sure you are going through a lot right now but your initial post made me think that something very wrong happened. I hope that you go to the hospital and get checked out! Keep us updated.

[Hope Shimmers]

I mean I'm bored,

 

Clearly.

 

I notice you don't reply to my responses to you - very telling.

[excusememister]

How good of friends are they? This is odd behaviour, not texting you back

 

I find this odd behaviour as well. Also, when me and my girlfriends go out, we NEVER leave, one without the other. We make a pact to arrive together and leave together. Hopefully your friends will get back with you soon and give you some insight as to what happened.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you and wish you well.

[nofeelings22]

No it wasn't. She was told to go get checked out and that it sounded like rape. Her entire first post focused on her thoughts that she had an AFFAIR. The replies were right on the money.

 

You're right, though - these posts are just screwing her up, so perhaps you can stop blaming her now that she has been advised to find out what really happened. Arguing about your lack of knowledge of the law is not the point of this thread. She needs support, not accusations and people to make light of what could be a very serious situation.

 

 

Exactly. I'm not sure, but she didn't mention her group of friends holding her down while they poured bottles of alcohol down her throat. Nor did she mention them paring her off and shoving her into bed with someone. If not her fault, whose fault is it?

 

What she needs is to remember this experience and not repeat it.

 

It was a life lesson.

[nofeelings22]

Clearly.

 

I notice you don't reply to my responses to you - very telling.

 

 

There ya go. Just responded. I'm sure you are on here via your phone, throwing around rape accusations from a dinner at the White House,.,

 

We are all on here because we thought it eas a good way to spend some time.

[Hope Shimmers]

I find this odd behaviour as well. Also, when me and my girlfriends go out, we NEVER leave, one without the other. We make a pact to arrive together and leave together. Hopefully your friends will get back with you soon and give you some insight as to what happened.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you and wish you well.

 

That's a great point about the friends. It's scary how often this kind of thing can happen.

 

From a professional point of view I've had a lot of experience with people who have been fed this drug without their knowledge, and the OP's first post just exactly exemplifies what the effect is. I highly doubt that she had an alcoholic black-out. This drug is downright scary.

[Phoe]

I am hesitant to suggest rape. It's possible, but it's also possible it wasn't.

 

It could quite simply be a case of getting too drunk, leaving with someone, unintentionally hooking up, and remembering none of it.

 

 

People get drunk and remember nothing quite frequently.

 

 

And people wake up in the morning feeling sick afterwards, frequently.

 

 

And people get drunk VERY quickly off of just a few shots, frequently.

 

 

Some people react strangely to certain alcohols or have a low tolerance.

 

 

I had a male friend in college who once got SO ungodly drunk and didn't remember any of the night. He called me up saying he was very drunk and needed a ride. I picked him up, he raised hell in my car, vomited in it, then got aggressive inside his apartment, raised hell throwing things, and finally peed on his computer before going to bed.

 

 

He remembered NOTHING. The last thing he remembered was taking shots with his buddies. He said he only had a few shots.

 

 

There's no way his buddies were randomly drugging him. He simply had a bad night and remembered none of it.

 

 

OP - going to the hospital to be sure there's nothing strange in your system may be a good idea just in case, especially if it'll help ease your mind. But don't get yourself too worked up worrying over what happened until you get more facts. Jumping to any conclusion just isn't good.

[lollipopspot]

OP,

 

It sounds to me from this story that you were drugged and raped.

 

I wouldn't give a **** what some rape apologist, or from the sound of it, rapist himself advises you.

 

Your husband - if he's any kind of a decent guy - should understand.

 

I hope you were able to get to the hospital for a drug screening, and I hope you prosecute this guy to protect other people from him.

[Spectre]

Seriously.... don't wreck your marriage though. Talk to anyone but your husband. Yes, it's your fault for getting into the situation, but when blacked out, we all do things that are very out of the ordinary. For all you know, you may have thought it WAS your husband. Your intentions may have been pure in the blackout state.

 

It's not something to wreck your marriage over. Please don't.

 

Are we in the twilight zone? Why in the hell wouldn't she tell her husband? ESPECIALLY if it was rape? He has a right to know if it was rape and if it wasn't rape he also has a right to know because then he's been cheated on. So I can't even believe how you'd say "don't tell your husband" since yeah, he is kind of the one person she does need to tell.

 

Seriously out of all the insane things a person can say, telling her to not tell her husband is about the craziest. The husband should of been the first person she told.

Edited June 8, 2014 by Spectre

[Phoe]

I had a female friend who once got ridiculously drunk.

 

All of us were drinking from the same beer pitcher.

 

 

For whatever reason, she just had a bad time of it. She totally blacked out. Took her to my house and placed her in a bedroom. A house she had been to hundreds of times. She vomited all over the floor and finally fell asleep. She woke up in the middle of the night and had no idea where she was (despite having been to my house MANY times). She got very scared, and ran out of the house to her car a few blocks down, and slept in her car. I got up in the morning to find her gone and was freaked out. No one could find her. Once she finally woke up in her car she called up a friend, totally scared, and asked what on earth had happened to her.

 

 

She went to the hospital worried she'd been drugged. She hadn't been. Not to mention we were all drinking from the same pitcher.

 

 

Just another case of a bad night and remembering nothing.

[janedoe67]

I am hesitant to suggest rape. It's possible, but it's also possible it wasn't.

 

It could quite simply be a case of getting too drunk, leaving with someone, unintentionally hooking up, and remembering none of it.

 

 

People get drunk and remember nothing quite frequently.

 

 

And people wake up in the morning feeling sick afterwards, frequently.

 

 

And people get drunk VERY quickly off of just a few shots, frequently.

 

 

Some people react strangely to certain alcohols or have a low tolerance.

 

 

I had a male friend in college who once got SO ungodly drunk and didn't remember any of the night. He called me up saying he was very drunk and needed a ride. I picked him up, he raised hell in my car, vomited in it, then got aggressive inside his apartment, raised hell throwing things, and finally peed on his computer before going to bed.

 

 

He remembered NOTHING. The last thing he remembered was taking shots with his buddies. He said he only had a few shots.

 

 

There's no way his buddies were randomly drugging him. He simply had a bad night and remembered none of it.

 

 

OP - going to the hospital to be sure there's nothing strange in your system may be a good idea just in case, especially if it'll help ease your mind. But don't get yourself too worked up worrying over what happened until you get more facts. Jumping to any conclusion just isn't good.

 

 

This is good advice. Get checked out, talk with your h without speculating. At this point it isn't even certain you had sex. Get some rest. Keep trying your friends. And both of you try to avoid assuming anything until you can get more facts.

 

Thinking good and peaceful thoughts for you. No matter what happened, losing time and not remembering things is scary.

[Jonah]

Leave the alcohol behind and many future problems will be left behind with it. Time to start anew, sober and in control at all times. Learn from this and teach your wisdom to all.