i cheated on my husband and feel sick inside [update- apparent date rape]

[harrybrown]

Hope you get answers to what happened and tell your H.

 

I do hope your friends let you know who was the OM.

 

Maybe you and your H should go out together from now on.

[janedoe67]

OP, if it does turn out you had sex and you cannot get facts that give you are your husband full details:

 

My advice would be share everything with him you CAN remember, consider IC for you and MC with someone with experience in this for both of you, and supportive friends of the marriage. If these girlfriends won't get back to you in this crisis...I'd drop them.

 

And I would avoid any program-oriented marriage approach stuff. Making a team valiant effort to ascertain facts and then MOVING ON together in your case is probably wisest. Making finding out everything a lifetime pursuit, polygraphs, and the like won't help you. You cannot be polygraphed about what you don't remember.

 

And yes, go out as a couple.

[atreides]

whew... after reading this thread.

OP can you ask your friends what happened? Where were they?

Get your self checked as everyone else is suggesting.

 

I am not sure what to call it at this point but i will say this about memory. My wife did something extremely similar on her own and claims no memory. The only difference was that it was infront of me and myself and friends controlled her. Read my own thread for my background. My wife had a few and it brought her to her behavior that she again claims she cannot remember, so it happens.

 

That said, OP you need to get the story from your friends, they have to know something... i mean wow, you ended up in a apartment that you did not even know. I mean, I am not at the point to believe you were carried away unconscious to this apartment with your friends there, perhaps you were able to get around but had too much to drink.

 

You seem honest, upfront and hurt by what you did and telling your husband is the right thing to do in an honest relationship. But you need the story and you need to get checked out.

 

 

on a side note off topic, chalk another bad night for GNO.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Seriously.... don't wreck your marriage though. Talk to anyone but your husband. Yes, it's your fault for getting into the situation, but when blacked out, we all do things that are very out of the ordinary. For all you know, you may have thought it WAS your husband. Your intentions may have been pure in the blackout state.

 

It's not something to wreck your marriage over. Please don't.

 

Whoa whoa WHOA there, Speedy, I suppose you're one of these fools that think a woman is asking for it because she wears a short skirt in public and is having a beer? It's not this woman's fault that she ended up in this predicament - going out and having drinks is NOT an invitation to get raped! It's bloody unbelievable that people like you exist! Hope this doesn't happen to your momma, g/f, sister or daughter, you @#$/&*!!!

[revelations]

I can see a couple of problems here and I will try and sort through them. First off I will say that it is unknown if the OP was actually raped or blacked out and had sex with a stranger. Now of course if she was drugged then you can call it rape easily. However being blacked out, not so much. I have had friends that have done some really strange stuff when they had consumed too much alcohol too quickly. Now the trouble is that the person in a black out may appear to be just a little tipsy. So if you are dancing or just kicking back at a friends place with a woman in a black out, she may appear to fully know what she is doing. She may actually be hanging on you and trying to undress you and there fore you think she is not just giving consent, you may even think she is demanding it.

 

I knew one woman that anytime she drank she did not just black out, she got horny and would become somewhat violent if a guy ignored her advances. I found this out, because when I rejected her advances she bite me on the neck and tried to grab my goodie pouch. No, not in a fun playful way either, this was in a painful way. However I would not touch this woman because not only was she married, her husband was passed out upstairs in the same house. So yes women and men can do some very stupid stuff when drinking and not remember it. Now even with that I still do not think it excuses or justifies cheating. If he or she knows that they have this little blackout problem then they should not be drinking without their spouse present.

 

Now here comes the part which I think is total B.S. and that the argument of a woman giving consensual sex while drinking. Hope Shimmers states

The fact that incapacitated people can’t legally consent to sex remains poorly understood. That confusion affects both potential victims and potential perpetrators, who may not understand the depth of legal trouble their actions may invite. It also provides cover to predators who have been known to use a victim’s voluntary drinking as cover for their assault.

A handbook for attorneys on prosecuting alcohol-facilitated sexual assault created by the National District Attorneys Association acknowledgesthat jurors “tend to assume that the woman consented because she was intoxicated and simply regretted the sexual encounter later. In these cases, the defense tends to argue: ‘It’s not rape; it’s regret,’ or, ‘It’s buyer’s remorse.’”

Okay depending on which state you live in, the definition of it being rape or regret changes a bit. In some states just the fact that she consumed any alcohol at all means that she is unable to give consent. However myself I see this as just another attempt to deflect responsibility away from women that act irresponsibly. The reason i say this is because this law only applies to a woman's ability to give consent while drinking, not men.

 

Now you may or may not agree with a woman's ability to give consent while drinking. However let's look at this from a different view such as drinking and driving. Any man or woman that is convicted of drinking and driving can use the argument that their judgement was impaired so they should not be held responsible for making that choice to drive while intoxicated. However if a woman, even in a blackout decides to drive while intoxicated she will be prosecuted regardless if she was able to make an informed decision to drive. So her being blackout drunk at the time is no excuse for her to drink and drive. With this being true, then why is it that a man can be held responsible if she makes a poor choice to sleep with this man while drunk?

 

Does everyone see the double standard here? Both men and women will get charged with a DUI if driving drunk and being drunk is no excuse to ignore the law. However if a woman is drunk and makes a poor decision to bang some random guy, then the guy is charged with rape because after all she was incapacitated due to intoxication and their fore unable to give consent. If a man is drunk and makes a poor decision to bang some woman, then he is a dumb and should know better. Now with all of this being said, people still wonder why I avoid relationships at all with women. This is why I feel that things like sex should only be done with a professional escort and not some woman you meet at a bar. It is far to easy for a woman to cry rape when there is no rape actually committed. Maybe it is because women see 50 shades of gray, so while she was giving consent to start with, afterwards she decides that she did not really give consent because her hormones were clouding her judgement.

 

However since this is such a problem for women to know if they are able to give consent or not, I have a simple solution that I use all the time now. I just leave women alone. See if I am not around you, then it is hard for me to be so evil and commit these terrible acts against you. Once again, women have a problem and it takes a man to solve it for them.

[beach]

How are you doing tonight?

 

I hope you found out some info at the hospital.

 

If someone drugged you I hope you will press charges.

 

I also hope you take action if you were raped.

 

I'm hoping you stay strong. Hugs

[dezzi]

I can see a couple of problems here and I will try and sort through them. First off I will say that it is unknown if the OP was actually raped or blacked out and had sex with a stranger. Now of course if she was drugged then you can call it rape easily. However being blacked out, not so much. I have had friends that have done some really strange stuff when they had consumed too much alcohol too quickly. Now the trouble is that the person in a black out may appear to be just a little tipsy. So if you are dancing or just kicking back at a friends place with a woman in a black out, she may appear to fully know what she is doing. She may actually be hanging on you and trying to undress you and there fore you think she is not just giving consent, you may even think she is demanding it.

 

I knew one woman that anytime she drank she did not just black out, she got horny and would become somewhat violent if a guy ignored her advances. I found this out, because when I rejected her advances she bite me on the neck and tried to grab my goodie pouch. No, not in a fun playful way either, this was in a painful way. However I would not touch this woman because not only was she married, her husband was passed out upstairs in the same house. So yes women and men can do some very stupid stuff when drinking and not remember it. Now even with that I still do not think it excuses or justifies cheating. If he or she knows that they have this little blackout problem then they should not be drinking without their spouse present.

 

Now here comes the part which I think is total B.S. and that the argument of a woman giving consensual sex while drinking. Hope Shimmers states

Okay depending on which state you live in, the definition of it being rape or regret changes a bit. In some states just the fact that she consumed any alcohol at all means that she is unable to give consent. However myself I see this as just another attempt to deflect responsibility away from women that act irresponsibly. The reason i say this is because this law only applies to a woman's ability to give consent while drinking, not men.

 

Now you may or may not agree with a woman's ability to give consent while drinking. However let's look at this from a different view such as drinking and driving. Any man or woman that is convicted of drinking and driving can use the argument that their judgement was impaired so they should not be held responsible for making that choice to drive while intoxicated. However if a woman, even in a blackout decides to drive while intoxicated she will be prosecuted regardless if she was able to make an informed decision to drive. So her being blackout drunk at the time is no excuse for her to drink and drive. With this being true, then why is it that a man can be held responsible if she makes a poor choice to sleep with this man while drunk?

 

Does everyone see the double standard here? Both men and women will get charged with a DUI if driving drunk and being drunk is no excuse to ignore the law. However if a woman is drunk and makes a poor decision to bang some random guy, then the guy is charged with rape because after all she was incapacitated due to intoxication and their fore unable to give consent. If a man is drunk and makes a poor decision to bang some woman, then he is a dumb and should know better. Now with all of this being said, people still wonder why I avoid relationships at all with women. This is why I feel that things like sex should only be done with a professional escort and not some woman you meet at a bar. It is far to easy for a woman to cry rape when there is no rape actually committed. Maybe it is because women see 50 shades of gray, so while she was giving consent to start with, afterwards she decides that she did not really give consent because her hormones were clouding her judgement.

 

However since this is such a problem for women to know if they are able to give consent or not, I have a simple solution that I use all the time now. I just leave women alone. See if I am not around you, then it is hard for me to be so evil and commit these terrible acts against you. Once again, women have a problem and it takes a man to solve it for them.

 

Where I live men and women can be charged with rape when intoxicated but it is very hard to prove and men rarely come forward for rape as it is. Besides the fact that a very large group of men cannot get it up when intoxicated to that level. I hope the OP finds out the truth but this may be something that will always be a dark spot. If her husband loves her and is a good man he will be there for her and not blow his family apart over a drunken mistake. That is all on him now.

 

I find the end of your post rather insensitive towards this woman. Raped or not she doesn't need to hear how evil women are. She sounds broken and afraid. I don't think that was helpful.

[lollipopspot]

I just leave women alone. See if I am not around you, then it is hard for me to be so evil and commit these terrible acts against you.

 

Thank you!

 

I was avoiding commenting on this thread because we don't yet know the facts behind what actually happened that night. That has not stopped a ton of people here from immediately saying the OP was raped. That is beyond irresponsible... My first idea when I saw this thread was the the Op got drunk, banged some dude, and was too drunk to remember it. I think that is the more likely scenario here.

 

Oh, so we're not supposed to say that the OPs story looks like rape, but you feel free saying you think it wasn't?

 

I think your stance is irresponsible, and that the OP needs support getting herself to the hospital, getting tested for the presence of STDs and drugs, and prosecuting if she wants to. If she wants to do these things she needs to investigate and act quickly.

[suckerpunch55]

Very, very foolish thing you did there on many counts. You put yourself in a dangerous position and who knows what could (did?) happen, there's the health aspect, have you been checked for STD's etc? you could have been physically hurt, robbed who knows?

All in all an unsavory incident but speaking as a husband I think you should keep this too yourself and just make sure you never put yourself into that situation again, and I certainly wouldn't want to know about a one and only 1 night stand.

[suckerpunch55]

You are correct, you have to be able to give consent to sexual intercourse in the eyes of the law, it's rape otherwise. She should have not let herself get into a situation like that in the first place though, a harsh lesson indeed.

[fellini]

I had a female friend who once got ridiculously drunk.

 

All of us were drinking from the same beer pitcher.

 

 

For whatever reason, she just had a bad time of it. She totally blacked out. Took her to my house and placed her in a bedroom. A house she had been to hundreds of times. She vomited all over the floor and finally fell asleep. She woke up in the middle of the night and had no idea where she was (despite having been to my house MANY times). She got very scared, and ran out of the house to her car a few blocks down, and slept in her car. I got up in the morning to find her gone and was freaked out. No one could find her. Once she finally woke up in her car she called up a friend, totally scared, and asked what on earth had happened to her.

 

 

She went to the hospital worried she'd been drugged. She hadn't been. Not to mention we were all drinking from the same pitcher.

 

 

Just another case of a bad night and remembering nothing.

 

Actually you have basically proved the rape point. At any point from passing out a man could have raped your friend. I truly think people here are confusing rape and consent and blacked out like they were on a legal show on tv. Your friend passed out - obviously so did OP.

 

Information is needed, and the line that this whole party was a bad joke or a set up must be pursued. It is just as possible that she WAS raped and she needs to take that as seriously as nofeelings so called life lesson.. if she is going to "learn" from this she should learn it all.

 

Find out if these guys were experimenting

Find out if these guys do this as a form of entertainment

Find out what substances are in you body that you didnt put there

Go face to face and talk to each of the girls, they may be feeling the same thing happened and are panicked as well

 

But do not undermine the seriousness of this. Pursuing the line that she was drugged and raped is not the same thing as telling OP to go down to the nearest precinct and lay down a rape charge.

Edited June 8, 2014 by fellini

[juicygirl]

I feel sorry for op and hope she is doing o.k.

 

Making a drunken mistake and realising it after but waking up in a strange house,alone, with bruises, not remember anything, hurting down there and having none of the friends you went out with return your calls is another. The fact you don't even know who you slept with is odd, drunk or not most people remember at least flirting with or kissing the person beforehand. God you don't even know if you used protection.

 

I would go to the hospital alone get tested for STIs and date rape drugs and take it from there.

[Hope Shimmers]

Another example of why married woman should go on girl's night out's.

 

Wow.... talk about 'blame the victim' mentality. It's your fault if you get raped because you should not be in social situations. Really?

 

Besides which, what difference does it make if she's married? She's more to blame because she should be sitting home not out with friends? Just unbelievable.

[Art_Critic]

You are wrong.

 

If someone is dunk abd yoy both hgave sex, this is not rape. Period.

 

The poster's experience is exactly what happens when people do shots. They get very drunk, very quickly.

 

NF, yes it is rape...

 

The laws consider being drunk as the same as not being able to consent.

Of course each state is different in the actually writing of the law but the law does consider someone wasted=not able to give consent.

 

I hope you aren't popping women who are too drunk to give legal consent as if you are then you are just looking for a rape charge

 

 

As far as the OP goes... it sounds to me that her drink was spiked with a date rape drug..

It sounds although she was drinking that she drank a drug and someone raped her.

[fellini]

Rape or not, is not for people in LS to decide.

 

The OP posted about her cheating. One of the unanswered issues is whether or not she actually cheated on her husband.

 

From her own story (if we can rely on it's authenticity, and I see no reason why we cannot) she was 100% unaware of what she has done. I wonder if her story even counts as infidelity, as she is completely unaware of whether she had consensual sex, or sex at all. I'm hoping the LS community can agree that she hasn't even been unfaithful to her husband if she did NOT even know she was having sex.

 

Everything about this story sucks. Her good friend brought her to the house of a BF for a couple of drinks. Nothing wrong in that. Everything seems so completely out of hands of the OP. This is a one night nightmare that pretty much will only unravel in the hands of the OP, not in the various opinions of LS because the unknowns are too important here.

[Always Pondering]

I hope you're doing okay OP and I hope you found out some information at the hospital that could shed some light on this situation.

 

Let us know on an update if you find something! Assuming you're completely truthful about your post, let's hope that you weren't actually drugged and raped.

[Spectre]

Wow.... talk about 'blame the victim' mentality. It's your fault if you get raped because you should not be in social situations. Really?

 

Besides which, what difference does it make if she's married? She's more to blame because she should be sitting home not out with friends? Just unbelievable.

 

I can somewhat see where they are come from. No, I would NOT say blame the victim, since it is never their fault. However, I would wonder why a married woman is over at some dudes house, and it wasn't a "wild party" as she says, so that means it was a more intimate setting with only a few people..and then she is drinking and taking a bunch of shots. Then she wakes up not knowing what happened.

 

It could of been rape, and if it was that is horrible and needs to be addressed, BUT..we also need to address this "girls night out" this married woman had. When a girls night out ends with you going back to some dudes house(without your husband) and doing a bunch of shots..there is a problem IMO.

 

So this is a sensitive situation and yes it could of been rape, but I also am not blaming her, but rather wondering why she'd be doing this in the first place if she is married, since it is just a recipe for disaster. How many threads here have cheating because of some girls night out?

 

This is why I say: ladies, practice what you are saying. If it's a girls night out, keep it strictly girls, a girls night out shouldn't end with you at some dudes apartment doing a bunch of shots. So I already know people are going to get up in arms with more "victim blaming" nonsense, and that really isn't the case, I'm not blaming her if she was raped, I'm still just wondering though how a married woman ended up in this situation in the first place.

[fellini]

This is just blame shifting on the gender. This is a completely unacceptable discourse. You havent even read the OP properly to know the night didnt END AT SOME DUDE'S HOUSE.

 

 

I can somewhat see where they are come from. No, I would NOT sray blame the victim, since it is never their fault. However, I would wonder why a married woman is over at some dudes house, and it wasn't a "wild party" as she says, so that means it was a more intimate setting with only a few people..and then she is drinking and taking a bunch of shots. Then she wakes up not knowing what happened.

 

It could of been rape, and if it was that is horrible and needs to be addressed, BUT..we also need to address this "girls night out" this married woman had. When a girls night out ends with you going back to some dudes house(without your husband) and doing a bunch of shots..there is a problem IMO.

 

So this is a sensitive situation and yes it could of been rape, but I also am not blaming her, but rather wondering why she'd be doing this in the first place if she is married, since it is just a recipe for disaster. How many threads here have cheating because of some girls night out?

 

This is why I say: ladies, practice what you are saying. If it's a girls night out, keep it strictly girls, a girls night out shouldn't end with you at some dudes apartment doing a bunch of shots. So I already know people are going to get up in arms with more "victim blaming" nonsense, and that really isn't the case, I'm not blaming her if she was raped, I'm still just wondering though how a married woman ended up in this situation in the first place.

[bubbaganoosh]

OK. What if the tests come back and there was no date rape drug in her system. What then? She got drunk to a point that she can't remember and had sex with some guy.

 

Then there's the fact that she was someplace she wasn't supposed to be. She told her husband she was going out with a couple of her girlfriends, have a few drinks and sing karaoke but later went to some guys house with her friends where all this took place. She never called her husband and said that she was going with her friends to this guys house because if she did, you could bet the house her husband would have said no your not.

 

If I'm her husband, I'm asking some serious questions and I promise you that if the roles are reversed and the guy wakes up in a strange place with his pants down to his ankles, she's going to be asking the same exact questions.

 

Rape is a serious matter and isn't taken lightly but my guess is the husband isn't going to take this well because she was at some guys house she didn't know and it doesn't matter if it was her girlfriends new boyfriend or whatever.

 

If that's the case, then she should have called it a night and went home.

 

Maybe she was raped. I hope to God that if that's the case then the guy goes to jail because he deserves it but the thing her husband is going to be pissed off about is that she went to a strange mans house when she was supposed to be singing her drunken lungs out along with everyone else at that place but didn't use her head and say no, I'm a married woman and I can't do that.

[janedoe67]

This is one of those times when it is so easy to be on the outside and say what “should” have been done or not done. I am putting myself in the OP’s shoes. I go out with some female friends, with my husband’s full knowledge. Some of my friends are married, some single. One of the single ones has a boyfriend. Karaoke takes a while to get going, so my single friend says, “Hey, my boyfriend is having some people over. I want you guys to meet him. We won’t stay long.” Everyone is okay with it, I’m not the one dating the guy, it’s my friend’s boyfriend. They are maybe half a dozen or so people there (possibly more), so it is NOT some kind of “date.” And heck, I’d like to check out her new BF and make sure he’s worthy of her.

 

SO we go over there and have a couple of drinks. The shots? Yeah, as an outsider I can admit I don’t understand that, but people aren’t perfect. I’ve never done shots, but I assume there is not a direct and constant “do shots=have sex” connection rule, so as far as we know, the OP just decided to do a few to loosen up before she sings really bad 1980’s songs. Maybe not the best judgment, but still NOT an A, NOT an intent to heat, and NOT necessarily any kind of betrayal of her H…unless they have some kind of no shots agreement.

 

Now it is hours later, the OP wakes up, she is disheveled and not fully dressed, she is groggy, and everything is a blank. What did she do? Did she mean to do it? Did someone take advantage? Did she say ok in her drunken state? All pertinent questions? Did she go out that night planning to pay any kind of attention to any other man? Unless I am psychic, I am going to go with what she has written here and say no.

 

This will be tough for her hubby. That is understandable. I just hope for both their sakes he is reasonable enough, unjaded enough, and compassionate enough to get that she doesn’t remember, there was no intent to sneak, lie, or betray, and it is likely she is pretty traumatized as well. Some boundaries should be discussed for sure, but I think that for any ration person to make this into some full blown affair scenario is a mistake.

 

For the record, I am NOT a fan of alcohol-related girls nights out. BUT to say, “well she shouldn’t have gone out” is akin to saying “that girl shouldn’t have worn such a short skirt.” At least in the real world. I wonder sometimes if we have become so…warped from forum perspectives that we no longer see things from a rational perspective. We spend so much time ruminating and focused on all the variations and permutations of betrayal and reliving our own pain over and over…we see everything as a nail because we’ve all become hammers.

[Phoe]

Actually you have basically proved the rape point. At any point from passing out a man could have raped your friend. I truly think people here are confusing rape and consent and blacked out like they were on a legal show on tv. Your friend passed out - obviously so did OP.

 

But do not undermine the seriousness of this. Pursuing the line that she was drugged and raped is not the same thing as telling OP to go down to the nearest precinct and lay down a rape charge.

 

How have I proved the rape point?

 

 

Sure, in a totally different scenario, if my friend had passed out in the wrong place, she could have been raped.

 

 

But she didn't. She passed out with friends, and was put to bed for the night in my house.

 

 

She woke up totally confused and scared. Just like OP.

 

 

The point I have proved, is that sometimes you don't remember a drunken night, everything looks very scary, and there is a concern that drugging may have been involved - BUT, turns out it wasn't.

 

 

The whole point I have proved is that there is no good point in jumping to a conclusion until OP gets herself checked, just to be safe.

 

 

I am not even remotely undermining the seriousness. No matter what happened that night to OP, whether it was rape or just a bad drunken decision, it is serious. Either way it is something that affects her and her husband.

 

 

On the otherhand, being a rape victim myself, totally conscious and awake through the whole thing, I find accusations of rape VERY SERIOUS. I feel like the trend that this thread took, of shouting "Rape!! Rape!!" has actually been taken too lightly.

 

 

OP should get herself to a doctor no matter what - to find out if she had sex at all, have her system checked for strange substances, and to check for signs of STD's if it does turn out sex happened.

 

 

I just wish that people would calm down with the very serious accusations when very little facts have been presented to us.

[Quiet Storm]

we all have a personal responsibility to be our own risk managers, so to speak. I dont think its blaming the victim to say that. You can still be a victim and admit that your choices contributed to the situation. If I park my car in a bad neighborhood and leave the door unlocked with my laptop on the seat, and someone steals it, I am still a victim of a crime, and the thief is still a criminal. Acknowledging that your actions played a part is just keeping it real, it doesn't mean someone deserved it, nor does it make the perpetrator any less culpable.

[Hoosfoos]

It is a lousy situation no matter how you look at it, but I do not think any hypotheses should be made until she gets definite results one way or the other from the toxicology report.

[Haydn]

This is actually heartbreaking. I hope you find the answers. Contact all your friends. This is a tragic situation. If you were a victim of a spiked drink then these guys need taking down.

[atreides]

OP hasn't come back? Her world must be turned upside down.

 

As for what "should she have done" is a moot point now, but I don't fault her for going with the friends on the conidtion that is was a short visit for karaoke.

 

However once the drinks came out, the "plans changed" essentially in my opinion. I have been in that situation and decided to leave and just took one of my buddies with me to do the original plan. So no, i don't blame her for going but i do think it's fair to question subsequent events

 

@ janedoe67 I whole heartedly agree with your quote "For the record, I am NOT a fan of alcohol-related girls nights out"

 

It was hard for me when my wife did what she did all though not sleeping with a guy, but to me alcohol is not an excuse for behavior or leniency with me. I too have been very drunk, black out too, and never in all the "too many" times did i even come close to a ONS or flirting with it. Too many i know as well don't go that route when drunk, so for me at least it made me question my wife's intentions and we had a lot of work to do after it.

Edited June 8, 2014 by atreides