i cheated on my husband and feel sick inside [update- apparent date rape]

[excusememister]

As for this thread:

 

There was not enough information given originally at least to be honest about it. For me it is not enough to say, "i normally can hold my liquor but...." come on, an honest assessment??? Countless times one can be X one day and Y the other or how much alcohol can be consumed and not black out. The OP defined what she did as cheating originally but now is drastically a very different poster than she was with the original post in terms of context.

 

If OP was raped and drugged, then I hope justice will be done.

If OP came here looking for answers and support for cheating then a major injustice was done:

 

Original post - June 7th...

i cheated on my husband last night and i dont know how to tell him or what to tell him or even if i shuld tell him

 

i just know some part of me thought it was okay to go home with a complete stranger.

 

Todays post from OP:

my friends have apologized so much for letting me get in that vehicle but they said up until that point i had not acted any different than usually and this guy who had given us a ride had been the perfect gentlemen

[janedoe67]

If OP was raped and drugged, then I hope justice will be done.

If OP came here looking for answers and support for cheating then a major injustice was done:

 

Original post - June 7th...

i cheated on my husband last night and i dont know how to tell him or what to tell him or even if i shuld tell him

 

i just know some part of me thought it was okay to go home with a complete stranger.

 

Todays post from OP:

my friends have apologized so much for letting me get in that vehicle but they said up until that point i had not acted any different than usually and this guy who had given us a ride had been the perfect gentlemen

 

So what exactly are you trying to say?

[bubbaganoosh]

Well I for one have egg on my face for "assuming" that she didn't notify her husband and that there would be trouble so for what it's worth, let me say that I'm sorry for what I said and I hope that your doing OK and wish you well.

 

I do have a question. Since this guy was there with you then someone had to know this guy so if this is a case of a date rape drug being used followed by the rape of this woman, then he shouldn't be hard to find and I hope that he is found and this mess can be solved without any more hurt.

 

Once again, let me say that I'm sorry for my comment.

[janedoe67]

Well I for one have egg on my face for "assuming" that she didn't notify her husband and that there would be trouble so for what it's worth, let me say that I'm sorry for what I said and I hope that your doing OK and wish you well.

 

I do have a question. Since this guy was there with you then someone had to know this guy so if this is a case of a date rape drug being used followed by the rape of this woman, then he shouldn't be hard to find and I hope that he is found and this mess can be solved without any more hurt.

 

Once again, let me say that I'm sorry for my comment.

 

On another thread I mentioned there are quite a few BH's here I really respect. You are one of them, and the above just confirms that even more.

[RoseMadder]

How could I

 

I'm so damn sorry that this has happened to you, you were very brave to go to the hospital and tell your husband, friends etc... NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING that happened to you was your fault, everybody, regardless of gender or marital status, has the right to go out and have a good time without getting assaulted.

 

Those that've attacked you on this forum are ignorant, disgusting, lowlife trolls who spout their appalling rhetoric from behind their computer because they literally have nothing better to do. I guarantee that not a single one of them would go into a rape crisis centre and "educate" the women there with their heartless bull$hit. Please understand that they don't even deserve our derision, the fire either destroys or tempers us, it destroyed them and now they just want others to feel as bad as them.

 

I agree that (sadly) you should probably not use this forum at the moment, there are some superb forums for rape survivors, you'll get advise and kindness without the judgement you're getting here.

 

Again, I'm so very sorry.

[road]

How can howcouldI still think it is ok for married women to have GNO's drinking.

 

 

Then to get in the car with a stranger. This is wrong for any woman.

 

 

Yes he was a stranger, she knew nothing about this guy except that he was at the house of a friend's friend.

 

 

Sorry what happened but you did not protect yourself and neither did your husband. The world is filled with bad people ready to pounce on those that let their guard down.

[atreides]

If OP was raped and drugged, then I hope justice will be done.

If OP came here looking for answers and support for cheating then a major injustice was done:

 

Original post - June 7th...

i cheated on my husband last night and i dont know how to tell him or what to tell him or even if i shuld tell him

 

i just know some part of me thought it was okay to go home with a complete stranger.

 

Todays post from OP:

my friends have apologized so much for letting me get in that vehicle but they said up until that point i had not acted any different than usually and this guy who had given us a ride had been the perfect gentlemen

 

For me, i cannot get over how the guy used her phone to text that she was home and going to bed

 

 

they texted me 20 minutes later to ask if i had made it home safely and i replied with a yes but i was going to bed.

 

i don't know what happened after that.

 

 

That is just evil for the guy to have done that not to diminish the rape but the manipulation of it. i know she said "she texted" that she was home and going to bed to her friends but I am assuming she cannot clearly remember as she woke up in an apartment and not her home.

Edited June 11, 2014 by atreides

[velvette]

How can howcouldI still think it is ok for married women to have GNO's drinking.

 

 

Then to get in the car with a stranger. This is wrong for any woman.

 

 

Yes he was a stranger, she knew nothing about this guy except that he was at the house of a friend's friend.

 

 

Sorry what happened but you did not protect yourself and neither did your husband. The world is filled with bad people ready to pounce on those that let their guard down.

 

Did you not read that she was likely already drugged when she got into the car alone with him? Have some freaking compassion. She was incapacitated through no act of her own. Her judgement was impaired because she was already drugged. However, it is not unreasonable in a small town or any town really that people trust the friends of friends. To pretend otherwise is simply ridiculous. The fiancé of her friend trusted this man to give her and her friends a ride. Her friends trusted him to give her a ride.

 

There are criminals who walk among us. You cannot always know who they are. The friend who rapes. The father who sexually abuses his child. Etc. Etc. Etc. Stop blaming the victim. Blame the criminal.

[excusememister]

How can howcouldI still think it is ok for married women to have GNO's drinking.

 

Then to get in the car with a stranger. This is wrong for any woman.

 

Yes he was a stranger, she knew nothing about this guy except that he was at the house of a friend's friend.

 

Sorry what happened but you did not protect yourself and neither did your husband. The world is filled with bad people ready to pounce on those that let their guard down.

 

Road, can we say if she was indeed drunk or drugged when she got into the car? Her friends said she was her usual self.

 

my friends have apologized so much for letting me get in that vehicle but they said up until that point i had not acted any different than usually

[Hope Shimmers]

OMG, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Thanks for the update.

 

I cannot believe the idiotic responses here from ignorant people who have no idea what they are talking about and want to blame you. Please just ignore them!

 

I really, really thought your first post indicated that you were drugged as I have seen the effects of it a lot. It's different than being drunk and many things you said in your post led to that conclusion.

 

Thank God you have a wonderful husband who is supporting you! Please take care and get the help you need.

[janedoe67]

How can howcouldI still think it is ok for married women to have GNO's drinking.

 

 

Then to get in the car with a stranger. This is wrong for any woman.

 

 

Yes he was a stranger, she knew nothing about this guy except that he was at the house of a friend's friend.

 

 

Sorry what happened but you did not protect yourself and neither did your husband. The world is filled with bad people ready to pounce on those that let their guard down.

 

I hope the OP finds a better rape counselor than this.

 

Next we are going to ask how short the skirt was.

[Hope Shimmers]

How can howcouldI still think it is ok for married women to have GNO's drinking.

 

 

Then to get in the car with a stranger. This is wrong for any woman.

 

 

Yes he was a stranger, she knew nothing about this guy except that he was at the house of a friend's friend.

 

 

Sorry what happened but you did not protect yourself and neither did your husband. The world is filled with bad people ready to pounce on those that let their guard down.

 

Stop judging already. Enough!!! Do you have any compassion at all? Stop criticizing someone who has been raped!

[velvette]

I hope the OP finds a better rape counselor than this.

 

Next we are going to ask how short the skirt was.

 

Fortunately, most rape counselors understand that bad things can happen to good people.

 

All this blame the victim crap is just a refusal to accept that. I guess its understandable that people don't want to accept they can do nothing wrong and still become the victim of a crime.

 

Unfortunately, the OP no longer has the luxury of that delusion.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

How can howcouldI still think it is ok for married women to have GNO's drinking.

 

So, once a woman is married she is no longer allowed to drink...or go out with friends but especially not go and AND drink with friends?

 

I'm so confused by this line of thinking I don't know what to do. Girls Nights Out are not relegated to single women, nor do they mean the "girls" in question are all out trolling for random, casual sex. Millions of women, married or not go out with their girlfriends every day. It's called socializing and it's what people are entited and in fact encouraged to do.

[William]

In light of the most recent update from the thread starter, moderation has clarified the title from the latest discussion and moved the thread to our Abuse forum from Infidelity. Topical discussion of the update can continue, with a keen eye on being respectful to the thread starter. Thanks!

[mikethemechanic]

What I can't get my head around is how come the married man with kids who raped her is not in jail? Believe me once your a suspect that's end for you, why because of maximization, ( power of nightmares) in which the police try to scare the suspect into talking by telling him all of the horrible things he'll face if he's convicted of the crime in a court of law. Fear tends to make people talk!

 

Isolation technique is excellent for isolating the suspect from family and friends, I tell the suspect hey you'll never go to the bar with friends ever again or anything else they cherish unless they confess. If they confess I'll speak to the judge telling him that they were a cooperating witness. This reliance on isolation has led to the modern, windowless interrogation room. The average person is no match for a group of seasoned detectives. Sorry op that the rapist is still out on the street this a miscarriage of justice.

[amaysngrace]

I'm confused...is the man who raped you the same man who gave you the drug?

 

Is he one of your friend's Bf's friends?

 

I'm glad you're getting therapy for this. And I'm glad that your husband is being so supportive. Rape is never the victim's fault. I'm glad that he understands that and I hope with therapy you will understand that too.

 

xo

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Hmm...let me see.

 

OP went on a GNO...nope, still doesn't justify rape

OP went to a mans house...nope, still doesnt justify rape

OP had shots...still doesnt justify rape

OP got in a car with another man...surprise surprise...still doesnt justify rape.

 

There is nothing, NOTHING that ever justifies rape. Ever.

 

OP could run around with a football team high on pixie dust wearing a gold lame bikini and it stil, would not justify rape. Saying it was her mistake minimises the issues, shifts the blame and addresses the symptom, not the problem. It is victim blaming, and unless she raped herself, it is not and never will be her own fault. It is the fault of the rapist.

 

That man shouldnt rape. Period.

 

By blaming the victim you are perpetuating a rape culture...a culture where gonzo porn is the norm and its acceptable to see women degraded in adult films. A culture where not only does Steubenville happen, but that half a town will still make excuses for the rapist...Where the Daisy Colemans of the world not only suffer the trauma of rape but also suffer the trauma of being abused, Run out of town, victimised and are driven to suicide. This is YOUR culture. This needs to stop.

 

Stop telling girls not to get raped.

 

Start telling boys not to rape.

 

Rape isnt a womens issue. More than 95÷ of perpetrators are men. Against women AND men...boys AND girls. This is a mens issue. Men...stop making this a gender war...false reports of rape are a drop in the ocean compared to the vast number of rapes that never get reported. The argument is a red herring. Talk to each other. Call out the sexist behaviour, the rape jokes, the homophobia. Start the conversation that rape is never OK. Teach your sons about morality and consent, about respect. About human decency.

 

OP im sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. I commend you for coming forward, because for every case that is reported, there are several that are not. I shudder to think how many times this man has gotten away with such a brazen act. Its horrifying. I wish you the best in your healing.

Edited June 11, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[William]

To explain why this topic was closed, moderation has done some research and found it to be posted from a source with no less than seven other usernames, all posting in the Infidelity areas, some as men and some as women, with at least one being banned and others moderated in the past, so we felt it prudent, with due respect to the topic itself, to dispose of this matter in a fair and balanced way. The thread stands, respecting the time and effort spent on the responses. Thanks for your participation!