boyfriend and female friend: boundaries

[laura9]

Recently I've done the stupid thing of going through my boyfriend's messages. It was the first time I'd done this and yes, I felt bad and wrong and immature. Our relationship hasn't been the easiest though, and there's this girl in particular who I know he keeps contact with, and it's someone he previously was interested in and vice-versa.

 

Long story short: he's not cheating on me physically, but I was very disappointed with the tone of their communication. They keep making plans of having lunch together to "catch up", they say they wish they talked to each other more often because they enjoy it so much, they keep calling each other nicknames. He's a guy with lots of friends and he tends to be affectionate with everyone and I'm ok with that if it's just his personality. But this time I'm wondering if I'm not being taken advantage of. I'm not the jealous type and he usually tells me when he goes out for lunch/dinner with friends, but he has never once mentioned his plans to see this girl. In his messages he also tended to omit my existence in his life. When asked about travelling here and there, he never said I was with him, even though those were trips we took together.

 

So I told him about reading his messages. Of course he was furious and I don't blame him for that, but then he proceeded to ignore the fact that he was possibly dishonest to me and twisted it all around to make me appear the guilty one. Typical. In the following days, after giving both of us some time to cool down, he admitted he was wrong, apologised and swore that he never intended to be disrespectful to me. He guaranteed that he has no interest in that girl and if that was the case he wouldn't still be with me. He said that they have been friends since they were kids and that it had never crossed his mind to be less affectionate to her, because it's all in a friendly way and the way they've always interacted with each other. He also said that he omitted his plans of seeing her because he thought I'd get mad, without a reason to.

I made it clear how upset I was with it all and he guaranteed that he would cut their communication down.

 

I just want to hear some of your opinions on this. It's been difficult to trust him since then, and recently he told me that just a few days after our argument he called her to wish her a happy birthday. I just couldn't believe it that even after days of arguing he would still insist in giving her attention, knowing that this bothers me.

 

I consider this to be a red flag, so I don't know if I should continue in this relationship. But at the same time I don't know if I'm overreacting this, given that I'm very involved with him. I hate the thought of being with someone who is shady and deceitful.

[writergal]

His hiding her texts from you is a huge red flag for your relationship. How typical that he took the focus off himself to blame you for snooping on his cellphone.

 

When you are in a relationship with someone, there should be 100% transparency and that means that either person should have access to each other's cellphones, emails, voice mails so that there aren't any secrets.

 

I mean, you were honest with him and he disrespected you for your honesty.

 

Your intuition alarm went off about this woman so you checked his texts and you found evidence of what could be the start of an emotional affair between them, because he'd never mentioned her or going to lunch with her to you before. If anything, he should have apologized to you for not being honest about her existence instead of putting the focus on you for checking his texts.

 

Yes he may have admitted he was wrong. But I don't like how much protesting he's done about how he'd be with her if he really was into her. Um guess what. He's hiding his texts and her existence from you so he must be into her on some level!

 

He didn't tell you about her not because you'd get mad (why would you if he's friendly with everyone). He didn't tell you because he wanted to keep her a secret from you.

 

Now you've found out and his plans for whatever he was planning, have been foiled, so he's trying to back track and down play it like you're being paranoid, insecure and jealous. To take the attention off of himself.

 

He won't cut his communication down with her. If anything, he'll go to great lengths now to hide it from you now that you caught him. I don't care that they've been friends since they were kids.

 

The fact is that he still lied to you about her existence, and instead of copping to it, he's trying to make you feel guilty for following your intuition. He sounds really immature and insecure.

 

He may not be cheating on your now but whose to say he wasn't starting to emotionally cheat on you with her via text messaging?

 

Always judge someone by their actions and not by their words. Actions always speak louder than words. If he refuses to let you see his phone and text messages in the future then you know he's hiding his texts with her from you still.

 

I wouldn't trust him right now. He may be on his best behavior for a week or two until he thinks you've calmed down, but he'll be back to texting her soon enough behind your back. No, you are not overreacting. You followed your gut (as you should) and it's good that you did.

Edited June 8, 2014 by writergal

[Rar0]

Leave now.

[Always Pondering]

Sorry to hear about your situation laura and I agree with what writergal says.

 

I will just tell you that my last relationship sounded similar to what you described at some point. I will also tell you that the situation ended in the exact way writergal put it. The only difference is that the guy she was talking to was her ex and first love instead of a childhood friend. She tried to justify things such as sending half-naked "sexy" pictures as a "friendly gesture" or something silly like that, I don't even remember.

 

Anyways, she flipped the situation around on me as well. She told me that she would stop communication for me but that was a lie because she ended up "talking" to him again.

 

He won't cut his communication down with her. If anything, he'll go to great lengths now to hide it from you now that you caught him. I don't care that they've been friends since they were kids.

 

She created a fake alias, with a fake name, and made up fake non-existent stories, all to just try to conceal the fact that she went against her word and started "talking" to him again. She called this non-existent guy "Fred" and told me that he was just a gay classmate that she was friends with. It turns out, that "Fred" is actually the ex and "Fred" doesn't actually exist.

 

You can take what you will from my story, all situations are different but I was just putting mine out there if it clears some things up.

 

I would tread lightly if I were you.

[writergal]

I'll throw in my own experience too. One boyfriend I had actually lied to me minutes after I saw the text on his phone while I was in his apartment kitchen. I was cooking us dinner when his cellphone vibrated. I grabbed his phone with the intention of giving it to him and as I did, saw a rather flirty text from his female coworker.

 

To test my boyfriend, I handed him his cellphone without saying anything and said, "I think someone just texted you because it vibrated." As I walked back into the kitchen I asked him who the text was from and what did it say? He LIED about who it was from and what it said. Right there. Minutes after I read the text myself!!

 

Later, when I confronted him again on New Years Eve for texting her while we were out with another couple, he tried to accuse me of snooping rather than be honest, respect me, and own up to the fact that he had developed strong romantic feelings for his female coworker whom he later married (his second marriage) after he broke up with me.

Edited June 8, 2014 by writergal

[laura9]

I'll throw in my own experience too. One boyfriend I had actually lied to me minutes after I saw the text on his phone while I was in his apartment kitchen. I was cooking us dinner when his cellphone vibrated. I grabbed his phone with the intention of giving it to him and as I did, saw a rather flirty text from his female coworker.

 

To test my boyfriend, I handed him his cellphone without saying anything and said, "I think someone just texted you because it vibrated." As I walked back into the kitchen I asked him who the text was from and what did it say? He LIED about who it was from and what it said. Right there. Minutes after I read the text myself!!

 

Later, when I confronted him again on New Years Eve for texting her while we were out with another couple, he tried to accuse me of snooping rather than be honest, respect me, and own up to the fact that he had developed strong romantic feelings for his female coworker whom he later married (his second marriage) after he broke up with me.

 

Wow, writegal. I'm sorry about your experience. I always heard stories like these from my friends, but never thought it would happen to me, you know? Especially as I tend to only be attracted to "nice" guys. I hope you're over this relationship. I just don't understand why they chose to be so deceiving and disrespectful when they can always break up in a dignified way to be with the other person if they like.

 

Anyway, just as an update, he's been fine on that front since we last argued. But overall we're not all that well. It's reaching that stage where we both know the only solution is to break up, but neither of us feel prepared to actually break up. Sucks.

[laura9]

Sorry to hear about your situation laura and I agree with what writergal says.

 

I will just tell you that my last relationship sounded similar to what you described at some point. I will also tell you that the situation ended in the exact way writergal put it. The only difference is that the guy she was talking to was her ex and first love instead of a childhood friend. She tried to justify things such as sending half-naked "sexy" pictures as a "friendly gesture" or something silly like that, I don't even remember.

 

Anyways, she flipped the situation around on me as well. She told me that she would stop communication for me but that was a lie because she ended up "talking" to him again.

 

 

 

She created a fake alias, with a fake name, and made up fake non-existent stories, all to just try to conceal the fact that she went against her word and started "talking" to him again. She called this non-existent guy "Fred" and told me that he was just a gay classmate that she was friends with. It turns out, that "Fred" is actually the ex and "Fred" doesn't actually exist.

 

You can take what you will from my story, all situations are different but I was just putting mine out there if it clears some things up.

 

I would tread lightly if I were you.

 

 

Wow. Unbelievable. As I said to writegal, it's hard for me to believe just how manipulative people can become. If they're doing all this to be with someone else, then why can't they just come clean and break up? Anyway, thanks for your input, and hope you're over this situation.

[writergal]

Wow, writegal. I'm sorry about your experience. I always heard stories like these from my friends, but never thought it would happen to me, you know? Especially as I tend to only be attracted to "nice" guys. I hope you're over this relationship. I just don't understand why they chose to be so deceiving and disrespectful when they can always break up in a dignified way to be with the other person if they like.

 

Anyway, just as an update, he's been fine on that front since we last argued. But overall we're not all that well. It's reaching that stage where we both know the only solution is to break up, but neither of us feel prepared to actually break up. Sucks.

 

Thanks Laura. Yeah that happened nearly 5 years ago. I'm over him for sure but the minute I sense I'm being lied to or manipulated I exit stage left from the relationship. No reason to stay and waste my time anymore. Once someone shows you who they really are - believe them. Don't try to change them. Don't make excuses for them. Just leave and let them go ruin someone else's life. I will always harbor anger at him and guys like him, who think its okay to manipulate and lie and rationalize, rather than be honest, apologetic, empathetic and decent.

 

He made me feel invisible and taken for granted. I wanted to leave him that night he lied about that text, but I was such a coward that I stayed until NYE when the truth finally came out about his feelings for his coworker and we broke up.

 

I think people like him are manipulative because they are somewhat broken, insecure, hate conflict, scared of being criticized, scared of not having their feelings validated. Who knows. There's a myriad of reasons why men (and women) manipulate their romantic partners rather than treat them with respect. Manipulation is just a sleazy way to treat someone in a relationship.

 

Sorry to hear that you intuitively know your relationship may have run its course. But it's better for you to get out while you still can, so that you can be true to yourself and make yourself available for a man who won't hide texts from you, or gaslight you when you ask him to tell you the truth. As a friend told me, don't let one bad guy destroy your belief that there are good men out there for you. There are. Your boyfriend, he's not it. Do what is best for you. You are all that matters because it's your life. Right?

Edited June 13, 2014 by writergal