Potential sex with the ex

[JoL]

I apologise in advance if this is long..

I've been broken up with my abusive ex now, for two months and I could NOT be happier. I am glad i got his poisonous influence out of my life. We were together for a year and he sucked me emotionally dry.

 

Previous to that relationship, i was with someone else for 2 years. He and i had a good relationship, we were in love and he treated me really well.. then things got rocky, we would argue more and it felt like we were losing the "spark". Things had changed between us, i didnt feel happy and we broke up.

 

We didnt have much contact during the last year, a few emails here and there, as i was with the abusive ass. But i know from friends that he was still pining for me and claimed he had a hard time finding someone who lived up to his expectations because he saw me as being his ideal girlfriend and thought i was his perfect match. Recently we have gotten back in touch.

 

We have been talking on IM and emailing. We even met up one night while out on the town and had a good time. He has told me many times he would love to meet up again and have a one-on-one chat and catch up etc..I get the feeling there is still an inkling of feelings from his end..he has made it clear he still cares about me and that he is still very much attracted to me. I have always felt very safe and comfortable around him, he has always been very caring towards me. I know he DOES NOT want to get back together, and neither do i..but..

 

Well, i am the first to admit after the break-up with the abusive jerk, i feel the need to seek comfort in places that are familiar. Such as with my closest friends. And now talking to him has resurfaced the feeling safety and being cared for that he made me feel..compared to being treated like human garbage by my last ex.

 

So now, the more i get over my abusive ex, the more i feel like ive forgotten what it feels like to be with someone who cares about me. If i meet up with my nice ex, i feel like something could happen..a kiss..a hug..something more, i dont know..and if it does, i feel like it would almost be a relief to remember what real intimacy is like. In fact, id almost like something physical to happen between us.

 

I lost my virginity to this guy, and i could not have asked for a better experience or a more loving partner. I guess the more hurt and degraded i feel when remembering things my last ex did to me, the more i feel the need to try and remember nice things and my thoughts have turned to my nice ex.

Is sex with the ex such a terrible idea? Will it make things messy and emotional again? I dont want anyone to get hurt, i guess i am just an emotional basketcase and ive recognised that i probably wouldnt say no if it were to go down that path.

Im not the type to have sex with people i dont know, but by having sex with someone i know very well- it could be a disaster.

Im the first to admit that im confused! Is what im feeling wacky, or normal?! Ahgr help!

[upsetnhurt]

Jol,

 

You are certainly not wacky as it is so normal to attempt to run back to the former comfort zone. Why not one would ask? I have to say that you seem to be very well grounded and I know you have an inkling that your former bf still has some feelings out there for you and also went through a rough time after your breakup. If you have any care for him as a person, you will leave it alone and allow both him and yourself the opportunity to move on. He is not capable of spending time with you without exposing his heart. I'm sure he thinks he can but take it from me it will bite him in the butt quickly after you have intimacy. You do not need that guilt as well.

[roxy_1980]

You've already said that you're an "emotional basketcase". And no matter how much some people try to deny it, having sex with someone is inately emotional. You will probably find yourself starting to have feeling towards your "nice ex". If he doesn't want a relationship (which you seem to be hinting at), you may have a big problem on your hands again with this one.

I'm currently in a second chance situation and took that emotional leap when things got physical, but I was lucky. He wanted the same thing I did. I keep thanking my lucky stars that he did, otherwise I would have thrown out a good friend.

You seem to be a little scattered. Before doing anything hasty, you need to figure out what you want. If you want to be with the nicer ex, I say go for it if he's receptive on the idea. If not, eventually you will find a good, healthy relationship down the road. Not everyone's a abusive @$$. So you don't necessarily have to go back to the nicer ex to find a "safe place".

[JoL]

Thanks for your responses

 

I dont want to get back together with my nice ex either, but i agree, im all scattered and still bruised from my last r'ship. I think I have lost a lot of trust towards men, and since he is someone i know is trustworthy and sweet something in me thinks that i could regain some emotional stabilitiy by being intimate with him.

 

I know, it's a messy idea because it would inevitably cause a lot of confusion and mixed-feelings. Im not in love with him in that way anymore..so i know for me it would just be a matter of intimacy and well, sex.

 

I guess because i know is a "safe" place, i would probably feel drawn to letting my guard down and trying to regain some level of security and safety.

 

I agree that it isn't a good idea to rehash the past, it could make things very messy..and i dont want to do that.

[Lonestar]

I had sex with an ex, an abusive ex. I hadn't gotten laid for more than two years, I was lonely, he was easy to get in bed. We still had feelings for each other and a very strong physical attraction (that will prolly always be there), so we hopped back into bed. One night a week led to three nights a week, which led to five nights a week, and straight back into an emotional relationship that went downhill as fast as it started.

 

The romantic feelings I started having again were a result of the physical closeness, even though he had not changed one bit in the way he treats women. So all that said, there is always some emotional component involved with sex. It's an intimate act. It's how many men show intimacy who are afraid to show it any other way. If you don't want to get hurt, don't sleep with an ex.

 

I learned the hard way, and had to suffer the abuse and breakup all over again. Reliving that was no fun, especially when it was my own damn fault for going back there knowing it would never work. I feel quite stupid.

 

But I needed sex. LOL

[tattoomytoe]

Jol~ you had better get it when you can!

[JoL]

Originally posted by tattoomytoe

Jol~ you had better get it when you can!

LOL gimme gimme gimme gimme!!!!

 

It's true- i greatly enjoy sex i am still quite worried that if the oppourtunity were to present itself with the nice ex, i would not turn him down.

 

I dont want anything to do with my abusive ex, i never want to lay eyes on him again.

 

But the nice ex has always been good to me, and when we were together he made love to me with a lot of tenderness and affection. He would always want to cuddle after sex and just hold me, while i would just be happy to and get something to eat or watch tv! I know what im feeling isnt anything more than vunerability..at least im aware of it i guess!

 

He still has a major soft spot for me, i know that for sure. I am scared i will hurt him again and just make things very messy between us with a kiss or sex or whatever could potentially happen.

I guess i am finding comfort with what is familiar..and he is quite familiar and safe.

But i dont want to open old wounds, it's taken us a year to get back in touch and be friendly again.

 

But like i said- im an emotional basketcase! i feel so angry and emotional and used and then grateful and happy in the same day because of that f!cking psycho abuser!

 

 

Ahgrhrhgr!

I dont know anymore! im nuts!

[JoL]

Ah well against the advice of most of you..tonight i went to hang out with him (the second time ive seen him in about a year)..and well, it happened.

We ended up kissing..and then it lead to more.

Now what happens??

[Israfil]

Thats it? No details??? Was it good?

 

How do you feel now that the deed is done?

[Other Man]

Abusive.........Ex.............You have your answer of what you should do.

[JoL]

If you read my original post, it wasnt with my abusive ex. it was with my nice ex, that was before my abusive ex.

I would walk in the opposite direction if i saw my abusive ex!!!!

 

Well, i went to his new place talked for a bit, we went to a cafe and had dinner, then walked back to his place, we sat there talking for literally 5 hours and just felt like the good old days where we could talk about anything. He told about his dating experiences from last year and i told him about the abusive jerk and stuff.

 

We starting acting silly and play wrestling and i guess it just ended up his face next to mine and we started to kiss. After a while he picked me up and carried me to the bedroom and well, progressed to undressing me and i guess we both knew what we wanted to do..

..Afterwards we just lay there and talked about everything and joked and acted stupid..i told him it was weird how comfortable we could be with eachother, really strange. We joked about the situation and how we are in our 20's and we are meant to have complicated love lives haha.

 

I know he has feelings for me still, he told me he still doesnt get why we broke up. We couldnt get back together..it would never work out. And i dont feel a strong desire to.

But i dont want to keep falling into situations like this where i am sleeping with him and then walking away. I dont know what happens now. Ive never been in a situation like this..do i talk to him? leave it?

[upsetnhurt]

"I know he has feelings for me still, he told me he still doesnt get why we broke up."

 

Jol, what you did was pure selfish. No need to worry about how he feels now since you probably have messed him up for another few years!

[JoL]

that was said in the context of discussing the reasons we broke up and he said he didnt quite get it still, but everything happens for a reason. he has never expressed wanting to get back together or anything like that.

 

he has dated a few girls since me, it's not like he has been pining away. the only feelings he has made clear he has still in regards to me is that he hasnt met a girl he has connected with as well as me- he didnt ever say "im still in love with you" or anything like that..if he had i would have anything happen!

 

He has said he doesnt want to get back together, he has made that 100% clear. I didnt do anything intentional to hurt or upset him, we talked about afterwards and just laughed about it...he didnt seem hurt or clingy or wanting more..i guess we just got along so well and so comfortably, it seemed like the good old days where we could talk for hours. It was surprising- after it had all happened we were fine, we talked, we laughed and we were just normal, like nothing had happened.

 

It probably shouldnt have happened, but it felt so good to be safe and comfortable around him again. I honestly dont think ive screwed him up, but im feeling quite screwed up now..if anything i did it to myself and i probably deserve it.