Blindsided

[Odelle]

Hiya. I'm new here. Forgive me if I am clumsy in understanding the way to express this.

Long story short - My long-term, seemingly deeply connected mariage began to unravel on the day of my son's funeral. (Too tough to share.) Husband's gf showed up and made it obvious they were together. My husband finally admitted to multiple affairs, prostitutes..... (Married 35 years, affairs 15 of those). Couples counsellor suggested he was a sex addict, so he refused to go back. Marriage fell apart... because I refused to overlook the elephant in the room. Husband tried his best to make me out to be unreasonable. He was happy enough to stay married (if I could look the other way)... I could not settle for less than I could live with.

 

In fairness to him, he played a blinder in giving me the impression of the 'happy marriage' while having another life altogether. He is probably the best actor I have ever met. When truth became obvious, I asked him to leave and he did.

 

Only problem is, he immediately moved on to the next partner. It's been almost 2 years since then, and he has already been 'in love' with 3 partners along the way. His latest partner he seems quite taken with.

 

So here is my problem. I loved and adored him. I saw him for what he was (eventually). I don't want him back. We are now officially separated. BUT, I can't seem to move on!!! I cannot seem to date or imagine anyone other than him! I am 55, happy with the way I look, and often taken for a lot younger. I know I still look good. It's not that I feel I could not attract a suitable partner.

It's just that..... I've been with this guy since I was 15. I don't want him back, but I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Or if I could ever even trust anyone else to have integrity! I so 100% believed in this man's 'love', and everyday he assured me I was his one true love.

 

So.... how does a person like me move on? Anyone else ever been here? How does a person like me "move on"? Any tips?

[quankanne]

lo siento – I'm very sorry for your son's loss.

 

as for the other question, I honestly don't know how to answer that, and it's something I wonder about as well, because I've spent nearly half my life loving and being with the same guy.

 

on the one hand, I tell myself that because I am capable of loving, it's a huge plus, because I know I *can* love. On the other hand, (and it's a HUGE other hand!) all I can think of is that the idea of "learning" someone new – getting used to their quirks and bad habits and just having them suddenly in my space – would be pure hell. And that's just thinking if he died before me. I can't even imagine how divorce would impact that.

 

Or if I could ever even trust anyone else to have integrity! I so 100% believed in this man's 'love', and everyday he assured me I was his one true love.

 

it'll probably be like starting out any interpersonal relationship – you've got to trust your inner BS-detector to guide you. Because you've been through what you have, it'll probably help winnow out the wrong guys a lot faster, just don't let it leave you without options.

 

as for the love he assured you of: He loves you in his own fashion. It might not have been the way you had hoped, by being faithful, but in his mind, it was still love. Maybe the answer is to keep an eye out for the guy who is on the same page when it comes to loving someone, who will want to express it the same way you do?

 

hugs to you, chica ....

q

[Odelle]

Thank you, Quackanne, for your thoughtful reply. Good that you point out that it's a good thing to know, well, *I can love* (rather than feeling like a blindly-trusting idiot). It is good too that you point out how in his own way, he did love me. I needed a love that included loyalty and fidelity, but he couldn't be that person.

You are right. This experience probably will help me winnow out the wrong guys in the future. This has been a deeply life-altering experience, and although a very painful one, it has probably left me wiser and more trusting of my own instincts.

In the past, whenever I intuitively felt something was off, he talked me out of it and convinced me I was imagining things. No-one will ever manage to do that ever again. If something feels off, it probably is. That much I have learned. So maybe it's me I have to trust.

I hadn't realized how much I had identified myself as part of a close, loving couple.... it's challenging now to release that old image of myself. But I've got this far, so I'll probably get there too.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, I am sorry for your losses, particularly the loss of your son.

 

There is no path back, as you recognize. Some experiences change you at the core. Betrayal by the one who you trusted most of all: this is not something you move past entirely. Yet, your feelings may engage again if you give them a chance. It will be different however. I suggest go for fun, or friendship, rather than chasing after romance directly. As deep a connection as that you *thought* you had, will likely not come again. Or as my friend Ernest says "As I grow older I have lost the art of compromise in a relationship"

 

I feel sad for you. Those of us who have had to undergo an agonising reappraisal, can understand something of how you feel.

Edited June 10, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

[The Like Fairy]

In the past, whenever I intuitively felt something was off, he talked me out of it and convinced me I was imagining things. No-one will ever manage to do that ever again. If something feels off, it probably is. That much I have learned. So maybe it's me I have to trust.

 

I'm glad to hear that. What he did was called Gas Lighting, and it's enough to drive some folks near insane.

 

Gas Lighting Info:

 

Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted - HealthyPlace

 

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/

 

You need to read all you can around here, and elsewhere, on interpersonal and healing forums on the internet. The more you read, the more you know, the more powerful and wiser you feel, in trusting yourself and trusting others.

 

And get involved in some social outlets - women's groups, mixed groups (hiking, birdwatching, etc) and church groups. Bring on the social life! That's never a bad thing. Social contact and social exposure will help ensure you don't end up in a rut with hermit tendencies.

 

Favorite books of mine, everyone should read (free at local library):

 

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

 

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

 

Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie

 

Websites for learning:

 

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[Odelle]

It helps a lot that there are people out there who can relate to this and offer support. TiredFamilyGuy, that is very helpful...."my feelings may engage again, but it will be different".... Part of the problem is trying to imagine ever been 'the same' with anyone else, trusting at that level; but it relieves something to realize that, of course, it cannot be the same. It has to be different. I don't know why I didn't see that before, but it makes total sense!! Also... it's good to face it that the 'deep connection' was something I *thought* I had!! Reappraisal is certainly called for.... but it's helpful and very supportive to feel the empathy of those who know the feeling. (Although I wish nobody ever had to.)

 

The Like Fairy, thank you for your links and suggested reading. Yes, I think reading a lot about others who have had to remake their lives is encouraging. I have worked hard, especially in the part 2 years, to build my social life and get involved. Even while fighting the urge to hibernate. It definitely helped a lot, and I have a pretty good social life now. It still feels odd, but I imagine I will get used to the new reality someday. The warm, fuzzy memories of happy-family-days still makes up such a huge part of my identity. I feel what is missing. But as TiredFamilyGuy points out above, I have to question how much of that was my own perception. Connection isn't really connection unless both people in the couple are 'deeply connected', hard as that is to admit!! Which means, part of this feeling of being stuck is really being stuck in my own perception of what my life used to be, and the idenity that formed within that. Tough stuff, but at least it gets me moving. It helps me turn the idea of 'loss' on it's head.... because, really.... loss of what? Sadly, what I *thought* I had! As you very wisely suggest, I will keep reading and reading; here and on your links and elsewhere.

Thank you so much. It's lovely to reach out and get such real support.

[beach]

How? By realizing that you couldn't trust HIM. It doesn't mean you can't trust others just because he's incapable of respecting and honoring you.

 

Stop handing him all YOUR power - he doesn't deserve it anymore based on what he's done to you.

 

And when you date others - try not to think that all men are like HIM = because they aren't!

 

Date and see which men EARN your trust.

 

He's not the man you thought he was - he a liar and a cheater. But YOUR life and living does not need to be defined by his bad behavior. He's going to do what he does best = cheat...so just step aside and allow him to do that to someone else.

 

To move forward and find ways for YOU to be happy is the best way to heal!

[Odelle]

Thank you, beach. Yes, realizing that HE is just one amongst the untrustworthy people on the planet is something that the penny is finally dropping on these days. It is haaarrrd to switch my thinking on this, but yes... it is a very important thing to assimulate. (somewhere in my head, the old version of him persists.)

Really getting it that this is just who he is - I get it logically, but the 'feeling' of who I perceived him to be (back then) takes a bit of catching up emotionally.

 

These days, I am fine with relating to men as 'friends' and I am very content with men who are in the friend-zone. I can see their good qualities and enjoy who they are as people. (I'm not at all the flirty type). But the whole concept of 'dating' men is another story altogether. I'm probably just not ready yet. Being asked out is like being asked to walk on hot coals!

Even writing this, I can see I am putting far too much pressure on the whole idea, and could maybe do with another good long time of making peace with past reality before I even consider moving forwards! I just want to make peace with my past and move on! (Also, at 55, this is not where I ever imagined myself to be.)

Thank you