Settling

[C-LUV]

I'm in my mid 30's and am single. I have always been really independent and career driven and know what I want to do in life, thought i don't think i'm pushy or controlling (at least I hope not). In the future I 100% want to be in an amazing relationship and have kids. I am happy with my life just now, but the single situation is the only thing i'd like to change.

 

My problem is that I just can't seem to make it work with guys that I really like and am totally crazy about (I don't meet a lot of these guys) but when I do, I just can't seem to make it happen. Probably something to do with my own inner messed up psychology or something. But I always seem to get involved with guys where it feels a bit safer, then over time things inevitably don't work out because the feeling is not 100% there for me.

 

Anyway, I'm continually watching friends couple up, move in together, get engaged, have kids and am so happy for them, but can't help wondering when is it going to be me. And my biggest fear is that because i'm mid 30's and I really want children, am I going to have to settle for a relationship that is not completely what I want just so this can happen for me.... What do you guys think about settling? And by settling I"m in no way referring to looks or physical attributes, mostly to the way I feel about a guy / or vice versa.

 

Any thoughts / input or your experiences would be great. x

[aprilisi]

I'm in the same situation, can't help really.

 

But prepare yourself for the people telling you not to be so picky. Evidently its easy and every woman can find a good man if she broadens her horizons.

[Woggle]

Don't settle but ask yourself if you are in some subconcious way attracted to unavailable men.

[C-LUV]

I don't think I attract unavailable men - at least I've never thought this was the issue.

 

Thanks Enigma - but I did stress that this was in no way anything related to looks or physical traits. I love tall dark and handsome but if when guys come along and I'm totally into them these things do not matter so that's not what i mean by settling. I mean being with someone who you don't feel that chemistry with. I know it does run out or fades a little over time, but you still have to have that initially surely. I"m not looking for the perfect guy, I just want to be with someone and for it to feel right, like it's 100% what I want.

[Snakechammah]

Hey sweetie, I was exactly in your position a few months ago.

 

I'm in my early thirties. I have been single almost all my life. I did have ex-bfs and none of them lasted because I knew I never wanted to marry them because I didnt love them.

 

And so... I resigned to my fate waiting and waiting for that superman to arrive to sweep me off my feet. I have a very long list of expectations and a full checklist of what I want in a guy. I'm actually one of those that other LS posters have been complaining of being too picky and whatnots. Even my mother has given up on me!

 

BUT... as fate would have it, good things happen to those who wait. I wont bore you with the full story but 4 months ago, I received a message in OLD from this guy... who turns out... to fulfil every single expectations in my checklist (I have 54 lol). He DOES exist and he has finally found me!

 

I have been hoping all my life, and put my faith in the universe for him to find me, and he did. Maybe I am lucky and people think this only happens in fairytale, but it did happen to me and I hope it inspires you to never to give up searching for the GUY YOU WANT.

 

Stay positive above all things and I wish you the very best!

[Teraskas]

In the same situation as you OP, with the exception that I'm 22 and male.

Needless to say, one does grow tired of it after a while.

 

At this point I don't believe in love anymore.

My friends are constantly getting into relationships, marriage, having kids, etc. I also wonder when finally it's going to be MY turn, considering how much I've worked on myself in the past 2.5 years.

It seems to be constantly happening for everyone around me, except for myself.

Even been told by several members of LS that any girl would be lucky to land me given my qualities. I have YET to see it happen. :/

[Eternal Sunshine]

Again, as OP said so many times and men refuse to listen - settling has no relation to looks, race, money, status, height, age or similar.

 

Settling is being with someone you are not in love with for the sake of being in a relationship. Simple as that. So no, we don't all settle

 

If I fall in love with a homeless man tomorrow, I wouldn't refer to it as settling as I would in love. Settling is only about FEELINGS and nothing else.

[oldshirt]

I have always been really independent and career driven and know what I want to do in life, thought i don't think i'm pushy or controlling (at least I hope not).

 

 

 

 

The fact that you felt compelled to deny being pushing and controlling even though it has nothing to do with the subject matter, probably means you are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My problem is that I just can't seem to make it work with guys that I really like and am totally crazy about (I don't meet a lot of these guys) but when I do, I just can't seem to make it happen.

 

 

It's their job to make it happen. yes that's kind of sexist and old-school but there's a reason that traditional things became tradition.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Probably something to do with my own inner messed up psychology or something.

 

 

Such as??????

 

 

 

 

But I always seem to get involved with guys where it feels a bit safer, then over time things inevitably don't work out because the feeling is not 100% there for me.

 

 

Interpretation = you aren't sexually attracted to them.

You ARE settling. it's that you are sacrificing the sexual chemistry component.

 

And my biggest fear is that because i'm mid 30's and I really want children, am I going to have to settle for a relationship that is not completely what I want just so this can happen for me.

 

 

The main thing that keeps people great relationships is looking for perfect relationships.

If you are holding out for perfection and for every box to be checked off, you WILL spend your life waiting.

We all have some kind of idealized image in our head of what that perfect someone and that perfect relationship will be. The challenge we face is narrowing down those traits and characteristics into things we can live with and things we can't live without.

 

 

 

 

... What do you guys think about settling?

 

 

Depends on your definition of settling is. If your definition is you must have someone 6'2" and won't consider someone 6'1" then your shooting yourself in the foot and deserve to be single and childless.

If your definition is they must be healthy and vigorous, have basic social and interpersonal skills and able to maintain an adult relationship and be gainfully employed and self supporting and not be of the criminal element and you won't go below that bar, then I'd say it's realistic and prudent.

 

 

 

 

And by settling I"m in no way referring to looks or physical attributes, mostly to the way I feel about a guy / or vice versa.

 

 

IMHO if you have to sacrifice, I'd rather you sacrifice on the looks and physical attributes rather than the feelings and chemistry.

Lets grow up and face some facts here, there is such a thing in the world as leagues. If you are a 7 you are going to do very well to get an 8 but you are likely not going to go above an 8 at all.

As a female a 9 or 10 will ***** you for a night or two but will not buy the cow. He is going to marry and have kids with another 9 or 10.

Another harsh truth is as a mid-30s female, your market value is dropping by the day in the single/never-married/no-kids market.

If some guy is tall, dark, handsome, educated, high-income, exciting lifestyle etc etc, and he is capable of pulling a 25 year old who's general persona is geared towards being a wife and mother, he is going to pick her every day of the week.

Let's look at this a little more closely. If some guy is a playa' and playboy etc and is just out for a night out on the town and some fun in the sack at the end of the evening, a 30-something career woman is just the ticket, it would be hard to do better in fact. she's confident, uninhibited, no baggage, no expectations, no pressure on him, no hidden agendas and no strings. A wealthy, good looking, tall man of the world would be glad to bring an attractive 30something woman home to his bed.

But if a guy is in the market for marriage and family etc why would choose a woman who's devoted her prime breeding years to herself and now that she is 35 and at higher risk for pregnancy and birth complications and only has 10-15 years before menopause takes away all her sex drive?

If a man is capable of picking a young woman who is innately geared towards being a wife and mother and has that as some of her primary goals in life, why should HE 'settle' for a 35 year old career woman who at 35 decides it would be kind of neat to add a husband and a kid or two to her perfectly engineered life?

Bottom line of what I am getting at here is you have to be in the same league that you want to play in. .....and thusly, you are going to have to play in the same league are currently in.

Right now your league is near-middle aged, career oriented, self-focused people that have engineered their lives towards career and material success and not domestic and family-centered success.

I don't mean that as any kind of slam or put-down or insult. It is just reality.

You are perfectly capable of finding a good, healthy relationship with a decent, educated, employed, healthy and reasonably good looking guy. The catch is he is going to be several years older than you, starting to thin if not actually balding on top, and he is going to have an ex wife and a child or two.

The catch is he and your relationship are not going to be "perfect" and not going to be the way you thought you were going to engineer it to be.

The single, never-married, no-kids, tall, handsome, corporate climber with the six-pack abz who has the sparkling blue eyes that make your knees buckle that been around the world and has been with a bunch of women that knows every trick in the book, is going to pick the 25 year old that is already domestic and already family oriented even though you may be as physically attractive as her and more squared away in your professional and personal life.

 

 

Any thoughts / input or your experiences would be great. x

 

 

 

my thoughts and personal experiences in bold above.

[Snakechammah]

I just wanted to add a little disclaimer to Oldshirt's poster.

 

I am in early thirties, single (never married) and slightly below average. I'd give myself a 4. Totally past my prime.

 

My boyfriend is in his mid-twenties, single (never married), wants to marry me, gorgeous, great career (pilot), and have stunning blue-green-hazel eyes!

 

So sometimes the measly looking middle-aged women like us CAN get a super yummy young boyfriends. Please dont be discouraged to "settle" for older men that you may not have chemistry with, just because you don't want to be left on the shelf. Don't get me wrong, older men with experience are great and maybe they are someone else's dream boat, but what I am saying is.. dont compromise on your expectations just because you feel the pressure.

 

Like Eternal Sunshine says, it's about FEELINGS. If you feel strongly for the guy, any guy (preferably singles of course, not married ones) go for it.

[Weezy1973]

My problem is that I just can't seem to make it work with guys that I really like and am totally crazy about (I don't meet a lot of these guys) but when I do, I just can't seem to make it happen. Probably something to do with my own inner messed up psychology or something. But I always seem to get involved with guys where it feels a bit safer, then over time things inevitably don't work out because the feeling is not 100% there for me.

 

What qualities do the guys that you are totally crazy about have that the safe guys don't have?

 

And when you say you can't seem to make it happen, what does that mean?

[Teraskas]

I just wanted to add a little disclaimer to Oldshirt's poster.

 

I am in early thirties, single (never married) and slightly below average. I'd give myself a 4. Totally past my prime.

 

My boyfriend is in his mid-twenties, single (never married), wants to marry me, gorgeous, great career (pilot), and have stunning blue-green-hazel eyes!

 

So sometimes the measly looking middle-aged women like us CAN get a super yummy young boyfriends. Please dont be discouraged to "settle" for older men that you may not have chemistry with, just because you don't want to be left on the shelf. Don't get me wrong, older men with experience are great and maybe they are someone else's dream boat, but what I am saying is.. dont compromise on your expectations just because you feel the pressure.

 

Like Eternal Sunshine says, it's about FEELINGS. If you feel strongly for the guy, any guy (preferably singles of course, not married ones) go for it.

 

And such cases would probably be a lot more frequent if older women gave younger guys a chance, rather than to instantly dismiss him out of hand of 'lack of experience' without knowing the first thing of his background.

[Weezy1973]

I just wanted to add a little disclaimer to Oldshirt's poster.

 

I am in early thirties, single (never married) and slightly below average. I'd give myself a 4. Totally past my prime.

 

My boyfriend is in his mid-twenties, single (never married), wants to marry me, gorgeous, great career (pilot), and have stunning blue-green-hazel eyes!

 

 

Sounds to me like he settled.

[oldshirt]

Hey sweetie, I was exactly in your position a few months ago.

 

I'm in my early thirties. I have been single almost all my life. I did have ex-bfs and none of them lasted because I knew I never wanted to marry them because I didnt love them.

 

And so... I resigned to my fate waiting and waiting for that superman to arrive to sweep me off my feet. I have a very long list of expectations and a full checklist of what I want in a guy. I'm actually one of those that other LS posters have been complaining of being too picky and whatnots. Even my mother has given up on me!

 

BUT... as fate would have it, good things happen to those who wait. I wont bore you with the full story but 4 months ago, I received a message in OLD from this guy... who turns out... to fulfil every single expectations in my checklist (I have 54 lol). He DOES exist and he has finally found me!

 

I have been hoping all my life, and put my faith in the universe for him to find me, and he did. Maybe I am lucky and people think this only happens in fairytale, but it did happen to me and I hope it inspires you to never to give up searching for the GUY YOU WANT.

 

Stay positive above all things and I wish you the very best!

 

 

OK, I have to ask, have you actually met this guy and have been actively dating in the real, physical world? Or has this been some kind of primarily electronic or long distance relationship?

[aprilisi]

This thread got me to thinking more. I was single several years, seven, because of a horrible relatationships and then family tragedies and deaths. Just wasn't ready.

 

My experiences are pretty much the same, only I had ltrs. But then again, I have only been actively looking since October. I know Mr Good Enough is going to fall into my lap right away. I have come to realize its because I always tended to settle. But I was never happy. That's why I don't wanna settle now.

 

I settled for the man who was overly lovey dovey to the point of annoying me. And he was so sooo sensitve. Once I had to cancel a date because my mom was sick and he deleted me from his myspace lol.

 

I also settled for the guy with no job because he treated me nice. I waited for him to find a job, he just mooched off me. The end came when I found out he was mooching off many women.

 

Then there was the guy, perfect in every way. All my friends were jealous Only he would scream at me and call me names. When I told a cousin she said well, he doesn't hit you does he? No, he saved that level for his dogs. Recently read where he spent jail time for it and cannot own animals anymore. Thank God.

 

There's more, but I refuse to settle again. I see settling as ignoring your feelings, even your mental well being just to be in a relationship.

[Weezy1973]

Again, as OP said so many times and men refuse to listen - settling has no relation to looks, race, money, status, height, age or similar.

 

Settling is being with someone you are not in love with for the sake of being in a relationship. Simple as that. So no, we don't all settle

 

If I fall in love with a homeless man tomorrow, I wouldn't refer to it as settling as I would in love. Settling is only about FEELINGS and nothing else.

 

And if you wanted a family, I think you should definitely settle for the stable guy that would make a great father rather than the homeless man you fell in love with.

 

Obviously you don't want a family though. And I thought you didn't even want to be in a relationship anymore. Meh.

[oldshirt]

 

My experiences are pretty much the same, only I had ltrs. But then again, I have only been actively looking since October. I know Mr Good Enough is going to fall into my lap right away. I have come to realize its because I always tended to settle. But I was never happy. That's why I don't wanna settle now.

 

I settled for the man who was overly lovey dovey to the point of annoying me. And he was so sooo sensitve. Once I had to cancel a date because my mom was sick and he deleted me from his myspace lol.

 

I also settled for the guy with no job because he treated me nice. I waited for him to find a job, he just mooched off me. The end came when I found out he was mooching off many women.

 

Then there was the guy, perfect in every way. All my friends were jealous Only he would scream at me and call me names. When I told a cousin she said well, he doesn't hit you does he? No, he saved that level for his dogs. Recently read where he spent jail time for it and cannot own animals anymore. Thank God.

 

There's more, but I refuse to settle again. I see settling as ignoring your feelings, even your mental well being just to be in a relationship.

 

 

 

Did you dump them after you found out they were mooching off of you and beating dogs and deleting you off of social media or did you cling on to them after you found out they had character flaws??

 

 

If someone treats you bad and beats their dog and you move on, that's not settling. Settling is when you know they aren't right for you and you stay with them anyway.

 

 

Discovering someone has a character flaw or isn't right for and then moving on is just simply being smart and having standards. That's why we date people is so we can get to know them and find out of they have any deal breakers or compatibility issues.

[Under The Radar]

Again, as OP said so many times and men refuse to listen - settling has no relation to looks, race, money, status, height, age or similar.

 

Settling is being with someone you are not in love with for the sake of being in a relationship. Simple as that. So no, we don't all settle

 

If I fall in love with a homeless man tomorrow, I wouldn't refer to it as settling as I would in love. Settling is only about FEELINGS and nothing else.

 

 

 

The traits you listed are primarily tangible ...... and definitely a factor in attraction.

 

 

As well, intangible characteristics are incredibly important to foster attraction.

 

 

So ......

 

 

What intangible traits do you find compelling and attractive?

 

 

We need traits from both categories to ultimately fall in love and maintain it ...... no?

[C-LUV]

@ Snakechammah - thanks for the positive story. Your dating history sounds very similar to mine - ex boyfriend who in the back of my head I know I don’t want to marry. And I think my mother is close to giving up on me …..

 

@Teraskas - i’d love to be having this problem at age 22 you have so many more years ahead of you and sure there will be lots of lucky women who you’ll become involved with.

 

@ Eternal Sunshine - you totally hit the nail on the head re everything to do with feelings and nothing to do with looks / age ....

 

@ Oldshirt - thanks for your frank and honest opinion, but again by settling I don’t meant i want the dazzling blue eyes, muscles, tall, fit ... whatever - so if I fell for a balding middle aged man and it felt 100% right for me then I would in no way consider that settling - and I wouldn’t even put him on a score out of 10 cos to me he'd be a 10.

 

I just get worried that I'll never be able to get it together with someone I am crazy about and time is going to pass me by and before I know it i'll be mid 40's or have difficulty having kids.

 

I guess the general gist is to not settle which is what I tend to believe as well.

[Leigh 87]

I just wanted to add a little disclaimer to Oldshirt's poster.

 

I am in early thirties, single (never married) and slightly below average. I'd give myself a 4. Totally past my prime.

 

My boyfriend is in his mid-twenties, single (never married), wants to marry me, gorgeous, great career (pilot), and have stunning blue-green-hazel eyes!

 

So sometimes the measly looking middle-aged women like us CAN get a super yummy young boyfriends. Please dont be discouraged to "settle" for older men that you may not have chemistry with, just because you don't want to be left on the shelf. Don't get me wrong, older men with experience are great and maybe they are someone else's dream boat, but what I am saying is.. dont compromise on your expectations just because you feel the pressure.

 

Like Eternal Sunshine says, it's about FEELINGS. If you feel strongly for the guy, any guy (preferably singles of course, not married ones) go for it.

 

 

A hot pilot in his 20s wouldn't be with a bellow average looking woman in her 30s.

 

That sort of scenario where an attractive young pilot falls madly in love with the unattractive 30 something woman is literally a one in 2 million....

 

You are likely too hard on yourself and you would at least be a 6/10 like me. I have straight teeth and I'm not hideous but hot young pilot very very rarely fall for average woman like us. You are probably much more attractive than you perceive yourself to be.

 

Lastly, it is misleading to give false hope to the OP. If she's not hot herself then she will be hard pressed to find a man who will swoon over her and share mutual chemistry with her Iif she is after am attractive guy.

[oldshirt]

 

@ Oldshirt - thanks for your frank and honest opinion, but again by settling I don’t meant i want the dazzling blue eyes, muscles, tall, fit ... whatever - so if I fell for a balding middle aged man and it felt 100% right for me then I would in no way consider that settling - and I wouldn’t even put him on a score out of 10 cos to me he'd be a 10.

 

 

I get what you are saying and that sounds good on paper.

 

But the question that needs to be addressed is CAN you fall in love and feel all butterfyish with a balding middle aged man that's under 6' and no longer has a six pack?????

[Snakechammah]

OK, I have to ask, have you actually met this guy and have been actively dating in the real, physical world? Or has this been some kind of primarily electronic or long distance relationship?

 

Yes, I've met him in real life and so have my entire family and close friends. And we are planning our wedding for 2015 and yes, both our families are involved. It's not a fantasy in case you're wondering lol.

[Snakechammah]

A hot pilot in his 20s wouldn't be with a bellow average looking woman in her 30s.

 

That sort of scenario where an attractive young pilot falls madly in love with the unattractive 30 something woman is literally a one in 2 million....

 

You are likely too hard on yourself and you would at least be a 6/10 like me. I have straight teeth and I'm not hideous but hot young pilot very very rarely fall for average woman like us. You are probably much more attractive than you perceive yourself to be.

 

Lastly, it is misleading to give false hope to the OP. If she's not hot herself then she will be hard pressed to find a man who will swoon over her and share mutual chemistry with her Iif she is after am attractive guy.

 

Thanks Leigh. Being a 4 is my own judgement and since my boyfriend thinks I'm attractive, that's all that matters to me! I dont really care what other people think if I'm hot or not... just what HE thinks (and his mom, lol)

 

And my personal experience isn't misleading anyone. This happens to ME, and I share it with OP. I'm sure she is intelligent enough to know the difference between motivation and false hope.

[Snakechammah]

First off, I want to say congratulations for finding someone. Unfortunately, your post is somewhat pointless to the discussion. Sure, you found someone who rings all your bells, and has all the checks on your checklist, but you just started dating him. Dating a guy for 4 months isn't exactly happily ever after. You're still getting to know one another at that stage.

 

Thank you. As long as OP herself finds it useful and motivational, it's all that matters to me, as my reply was for her.

 

And yes, 4 months may seem like a short time, but I had been in other relationships before and in my own experience, know the difference between this one and the others. It's the first time I'm actually in love, and hopefully, in ten or twenty or thirty years time, I'll post an update about our grandkids in LS!

[Snakechammah]

Sounds to me like he settled.

 

You may think and say that to put me down but as long as my boyfriend is happy, I'm happy!

 

He knows what he wants and that's me. For that, I am grateful!

[juicygirl]

OP, you make have issues to address if you're always attracted to Mr.Right and get bored with Mr Right or Mr Nice. I have a friend like you, pretty girl,doing well at work and forever single but she can't figure out why!. When she meets a nice guy, she'll date him for a few months and then dismiss him because she just doesn't feel it and/or his too boring. As soon as a loser comes along the butterfly's are in her stomach with excitement. If that's the same for you, you make want to address why this is,before venturing in to the dating world.

 

Secondly, can I ask what you are doing to meet guys?When you've been single for a couple of years it's safe to assume you're not going to meet Mr.Right at the bus stop, and may have to get out more to be seen.