Settling

[jbelle6]

I'm in my mid 30's and am single. I have always been really independent and career driven and know what I want to do in life, thought i don't think i'm pushy or controlling (at least I hope not). In the future I 100% want to be in an amazing relationship and have kids. I am happy with my life just now, but the single situation is the only thing i'd like to change.

 

My problem is that I just can't seem to make it work with guys that I really like and am totally crazy about (I don't meet a lot of these guys) but when I do, I just can't seem to make it happen. Probably something to do with my own inner messed up psychology or something. But I always seem to get involved with guys where it feels a bit safer, then over time things inevitably don't work out because the feeling is not 100% there for me.

 

 

Anyway, I'm continually watching friends couple up, move in together, get engaged, have kids and am so happy for them, but can't help wondering when is it going to be me. And my biggest fear is that because i'm mid 30's and I really want children, am I going to have to settle for a relationship that is not completely what I want just so this can happen for me.... What do you guys think about settling? And by settling I"m in no way referring to looks or physical attributes, mostly to the way I feel about a guy / or vice versa.

 

Any thoughts / input or your experiences would be great. x

 

 

 

I just think it's hard for us to give advice without really knowing you.

 

I have a perpetually single ex sister in law. She's independent to the point where it is very off putting to men, she comes off as she doesn't need a man and is ALWAYS talking about work. She is pushy and bossy though.

 

What is your crazy inner psychology?

 

I will take feeling safer over too much excitement and games any day!!! Something to be said for that. Also, those "crazy about him" feelings wear off after a bit anyhow so it's not always going to be fireworks.

 

Maybe I am not as optimistic as some, I'm not going to tell you that some man will fall out of the sky and into your lap that will make bells ring in your head. It most likely won't happen. I will tell you to look inside yourself and see if there is something that is making you go for the wrong guys or if you are doing something that is pushing the men you do like away.

 

I am not being insulting as some are implying on here if we don't tell you that you will just meet someone someday. I have had to work on issues inside myself as well.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I am in exactly the same boat. And I feel shallow for being "picky."

 

Actually started to compose a "settling" thread but found yours. Misery loves company.

 

Short background: I'm not what anyone would call a physically attractive guy. I have my charms, but looks aren't one of them. *shrug* Genetics. Nothing I can do about it.

 

Here's the deal: I'm 50+. Been married twice, one left me, the other died on me. Then I made a real mistake: I started dating a woman out of my league... way out of my league.

 

Now I know there is a lot more to attractiveness than looks -- and so did she, obviously! But I'm not a good-looking guy. I'm below average. According to the women on OKCupid, I'm about one and a half stars, on a scale of five. That's about as low as they go.

 

And therin lies the problem. This is an awful metaphor, and I'm going to get in trouble for it, but here goes.

When you've flown coach your whole life, no problem. But once you fly first class, it's hard to go back to coach.

 

I know, I know. Bear with me.

 

My ex is really attractive. She's a part-time actress and model. Yeah, she's 50, but she's an incredible fifty, and has been known to pick up guys who are 25... which is one of the reasons she's my ex. Anyway...

 

My problem is, I have a "type." Maybe it stems from seeing Jenny Augutter naked in the movie "Walkabout" when I was eight, and that got seared into my psyche, but I like thin women. I actually prefer ones with a more "natural" look. A lot of my guy friends are into large breasts, but I couldn't care less. The women on the Athlea catalog do it for me My ex would not be out of place on that cover.

 

Unfortunately... a lot of other guys have the same preferences. And they are generally more attractive than I am.

 

At this point, I'm not really looking to jump into a dedicated romance. I'm upfront about my intentions and situations, and have dated some very nice women. However... they tend to be the complete opposite of my ex. And while I've made friends with a couple of them, they just don't do it for me physically and they don't go anywhere.

 

And I realize that the women I'm attracted to almost certainly feel the same way. I've gotten that more than once; "You're a really nice guy, but can we just be friends?" Nothing wrong with that at all. They shouldn't settle. No one should.

 

Except... unless I settle, I'm gonna be alone. I lucked out once with a truly beautiful woman (who also happened to be smart, creative, funny, successful, blah blah blah) who happened to know me when I was still married and was an acquaintance of my late wife. She saw how well I treated her and that, I guess, made up for the lack of looks. It's unlikely that kind of scenario will happen again.

 

Part of me says it's not really fair to the partner to "settle." If I'm not all-in, I shouldn't get into a serious relationship, right?

 

I hope this doesn't come across as seriously shallow. I completely respect the fact that the women I'm attracted to have many, many choices in their lives. They shouldn't "settle" either. No one should. But they're not faced with the same issue I am, which is 1) settle 2) wait... and wait... and wait... and quite possibly never have another date again.

 

Tough situation.

 

 

 

 

I've tried. I've met some wonderful women on OKC. Smart, funny, great careers, etc. But the

[Kid_Charlemange]

I mean being with someone who you don't feel that chemistry with. I know it does run out or fades a little over time, but you still have to have that initially surely. I"m not looking for the perfect guy, I just want to be with someone and for it to feel right, like it's 100% what I want.

 

Oh, then my earlier response was off-base. I thought you were talking about physical traits.

 

If not, then no, absolutely not, if the chemistry isn't there, then don't settle. Looks can change as people get older, finances can come and go, etc. But the chemistry is something that you'll know about pretty much right away.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by waiting.

 

My apologies for my earlier response, which does not apply.

[Kid_Charlemange]

At this point I don't believe in love anymore.

 

At the risk of sounding my age, at 22 you simply haven't experienced enough of love and life to know what you truly want. You have your whole life ahead of you, and will encounter literally thousands of women over the next few years, any one of whom might be The One. It's way too early to give up on love at your age. I know it doesn't seem that way, but I think anyone who is 10 years older, or more, will tell you the same thing. Because we've been there

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'd really like to know when the word "settle" became such a bad word. All I hear from the perpetually single these days is how they don't want to settle. Thing is, we pretty much all settle.

 

We all have some sort of ideal mate we would like to find. Me, I'd like to get with a girl that looks like Megan Fox, has sex like a porn star, plays video games with me, is a virgin, is super rich, and buys me stuff. However, instead of not settling, and trying to hold out for those ideals, I settled with a nice girl.

 

My girlfriend doesn't look like a bikini model, but I think she's pretty. She treats me well. I trust her. She can't cook, but that's ok, because that's not what's really important. What's important is that you find someone you can build a life with, someone that will stick around when things get rough, and not end up being the subject of another cheating spouse post on here.

 

EXACTLY!

 

I hate the word settle and am amazed that so many people, especially young people, see it as a terrible thing to be avoided. Nonsense.

 

I think I've already commented on this before on another thread but at the end of the day, we ALL settle for SOMETHING in our lives. We're not all blessed with looks or money or status or whatever. The choices we make in our everyday lives are ultimately based on our situations as they are currently and sometimes even on our past experiences.

 

Instead of using the word settle, perhaps compromise might feel more comfortable. I also think priorities play a part too.

 

Listen, we can't have or be or do EVERYTHING we want or dreamed so we end of having to prioritize those things that are MOST important to us and probably most realistic given our current situations that inhibit these things from coming to fruition. THIS is where compromising comes into play.

 

Take my current relationship for example. I have never been more fulfilled emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and sexually like I am with my man. Is he perfect? Far from it. Is our relationship perfect or stuff of the movies? No way. But it STILL works and is still amazing.

 

We may be "right" for each other on so many levels but there are just as many things where we don't match up. Not every box on my proverbial Perfect Relationship Checklist gets checked off and that is absolutely fine.

 

Relationships are about compromises.

 

My man is a far BETTER match for me overall despite the fact that maybe he isn't as ambitious as I am or is much more introverted than I would like him to be or isn't as close with his family as I am or...whatever.

 

Would having another man that had these checked off on my list be better? Not necessarily because that would probably mean I'd have to give up the things that make my man so special in the first place like the way he makes me laugh or how affectionate he is with or how when he's with me, he's WITH me and not distracted by anyone or anything. Those things have become my priority over other things and I make a conscious choice to settle for what he CAN give me rather than focus on what I'm NOT getting from him.

 

Does that makes sense? I does in my mind, lol.

 

Regardless, settling for something or someone isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's all a matter of perspective.

 

Good luck.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

Instead of using the word settle, perhaps compromise might feel more comfortable. I also think priorities play a part too.

 

You should write a book.

 

I'm serious.

 

I've been here for less than a day, and your posts are almost always the most on-target, practical, non-judgemental, upbeat and helpful. Consistently. There are a lot of really bitter, angry people on this site, so much so that I doubt I will stay around. Your posts really stand out. Thank you.

[GoodOnPaper]

What do you guys think about settling? And by settling I"m in no way referring to looks or physical attributes, mostly to the way I feel about a guy / or vice versa.

 

Any thoughts / input or your experiences would be great. x

 

My singlehood consisted of struggling to get first dates and always being the one more invested in relationships with the few girls who would date me. Ironically, with my wife, the attraction imbalance was in the other direction. While I'm certainly not un-attracted, I never felt that initial head-over-heels infatuation. Compatibility-wise, things are great but bonding/connecting intimately -- at least at my end -- has not been nearly as satisfying as what you read from a lot of married people on LS.

 

Pros: Moving on to the next stage in life was very beneficial in terms of learning to handle more responsibility and for personal growth in general. Also, I never have to worry about whether I like my wife and spending time with her. I'm always surprised at how often this seems to be a major issue with couples going through hard times.

 

Con: I've never been able to get over some of my deep-seeded insecurities regarding attraction and sex.

 

All-in-all, I was at such an emotional low when I met my wife, it's probably for the best that I went ahead and got married. Otherwise, I probably would have spiraled a lot lower. I've seen people post that if there is an attraction imbalance in a marriage, that the marriage is better off if the man is the one who's more attracted. I don't know about that considering how easy it is for women to find ONSs/FWBs. In my situation, even if I seriously considered stepping out, with my history and lack of casual sex experience, I doubt if I would have the guts to do it.

[Teraskas]

At the risk of sounding my age, at 22 you simply haven't experienced enough of love and life to know what you truly want. You have your whole life ahead of you, and will encounter literally thousands of women over the next few years, any one of whom might be The One. It's way too early to give up on love at your age. I know it doesn't seem that way, but I think anyone who is 10 years older, or more, will tell you the same thing. Because we've been there

 

Well, forgive me for going on a cynical tangen here, but I have faced enough (and considerably more) adversity (than my friends) such as cancer and much more to sum up right now, to come to the conclusion that I DO know what I want from life compared to my 20-something peers.

Ironically, I mentioned this once when I was on a date with a girl. She just stood up and left, labeled me 'broken, weak, etc.' How fatally shortsighted.

 

I know who I am at this point and that highly likely isn't going to change in the future. I'm considerably more mature than my friends, and even they believe that because of my more 'serious' nature it's harder for me to find someone, haha. ^^

 

The only thing which I hope does NOT happen is for this ridiculous situation to continue for about 10 years or more.

It's not necessarily that I need or want someone to get rid of my single status. Far from it.

If anything, finding someone who is compatible with me takes priority.

It's just the fact that I WANT to advance my life with regards to starting 'real life' after college (as I graduated this February), eventually starting a family and such seems so out of reach compared to my friends who seem to have had handed everything to them on a silver platter without facing the least sign of struggle or adversity.

Edited June 13, 2014 by Teraskas

[Michelle ma Belle]

You should write a book.

 

I'm serious.

 

I've been here for less than a day, and your posts are almost always the most on-target, practical, non-judgemental, upbeat and helpful. Consistently. There are a lot of really bitter, angry people on this site, so much so that I doubt I will stay around. Your posts really stand out. Thank you.

 

Aww, thank you

 

Whatever clarity I appear to posses comes from years of great therapy and (most importantly) doing the work that needed to be done. Life is far too short to live with anger and resentment. There is so much happiness at the end of forgiveness even if it's just for your own peace of mind.

 

And don't be discouraged about this place. I haven't been here long myself but it's a great place if you have the right attitude. Unfortunately, there are indeed many people who seem to enjoy wallowing in all things negative but there are just as many who do not. They aren't hard to spot.

 

Stick around and give it a chance. Like anything regarding online, don't take it too seriously and always try to have a sense of humor while visiting here. At the end of the day, it's all very entertaining

P.S. Sorry to have hijacked the OP's thread but I had respond. Carry on...

[Kid_Charlemange]

Stick around and give it a chance. Like anything regarding online, don't take it too seriously and always try to have a sense of humor while visiting here. At the end of the day, it's all very entertaining

 

Good advice. I was just a little shocked to be called a "douche" less than hour after my first post.

 

Fortunately I found the "ignore feature," and have made excellent use of it.

 

P.S. Sorry to have hijacked the OP's thread but I had respond. Carry on...

 

Oops. That's kind of my fault. Sorry OP!

[Kar_M]

I just think it's hard for us to give advice without really knowing you.

 

I have a perpetually single ex sister in law. She's independent to the point where it is very off putting to men, she comes off as she doesn't need a man and is ALWAYS talking about work. She is pushy and bossy though.

 

What is your crazy inner psychology?

 

I will take feeling safer over too much excitement and games any day!!! Something to be said for that. Also, those "crazy about him" feelings wear off after a bit anyhow so it's not always going to be fireworks.

 

Maybe I am not as optimistic as some, I'm not going to tell you that some man will fall out of the sky and into your lap that will make bells ring in your head. It most likely won't happen. I will tell you to look inside yourself and see if there is something that is making you go for the wrong guys or if you are doing something that is pushing the men you do like away.

 

I am not being insulting as some are implying on here if we don't tell you that you will just meet someone someday. I have had to work on issues inside myself as well.

 

I think my crazy inner psychology is something like: as soon as I meet someone I really like I am scared to show them I like them and feel really vulnerable so I end up acting all aloof like i'm not fussed about them and they end up backing and going away - why would they want to hang around for someone who doesn't give a damn about them. I act like this on auto pilot, like I don't even realise i'm doing it till its done. Sounds so stupid I know.