Facing the problems in my LTR and also trying to heal from an EA.

[tnimbus]

I posted about my EA in the infidelity section, so I won't go into that here..I guess what I'm facing now are some of the problems and deep issues that I wanted to hide away from by having an EA. They didn't go away, so one thing I've learned is that problems with those we love have to be faced....there is no magic button, or rewind.

 

I love my LTP very much, he's a good man....he likes to spend a lot of time alone though, doing projects, reading, even sleeping in his own room and bed.

If this were a new thing I would be worried that something was going on, but he's always been this way.(We've known each other since childhood, and he would play alone, etc. then too, an only child, as am I.) I accepted this about him years ago, or I wouldn't have continued being with him...it's getting worse though as we get older, mid-forties, and I'm alone too, much of the time. I don't wish us to be connected at the hip at all times, but all this aloneness is causing a disconnect to happen with me. I don't want that, and I have practically begged for some together time, but it's always.."tomorrow, next week, when I finish x project"...I asked if we could sleep in the same bed a couple of nights a week...same thing.."tomorrow, next week maybe"...,in the ten years we've lived together, we've slept in the same bed once. Our sex life isn't bad, and I've kept myself well, not a slob or anything..so it isn't that.

 

I really don't know what to do here..I love him very much, and he loves me very much...but I don't know how much more of this aloneness in a relationship I can take. Any support or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Since this is nothing new, nor do you suspect him of outside activities, then this is just who he is....period. Don't expect him to change, it is who he is. He may concede for a period of time, but will in all likelihood relapse. They only person you can change is you.

[BelCanta]

And how does one change in this situation? Become more accepting? Sacrificing intimacy (emotional) for keeping the peace? If the situation is becoming more extreme, than we know there is a scale of behavior and asking the husband to come back to earlier, more intimate behavior is not out of the question.

 

I am in a similar relationship. We are very independent of each other (separate hobbies, lives, friends) and as we get older (50 and 14 years of marriage) I find that he's pulling away even more. I love him; he loves me. I know I can't expect him to change, but I'm also craving more. Have you tried a set one night a week date, saying "we will meet at such and such restaurant"? (or whatever) rather than a more passive, "Would you like ot go out on Saturday?" I find with my husband I really have to be the one to force the connection between us.

 

That said, I'm not sure I want to live like this forever, and I feel an extreme sense of loss at times (and, unlike tnimbus, our sex life is pretty much over--1 time per year, maybe).

 

Interested in what others have to say.

[tnimbus]

Thank you Ober and Bel for replying. I've slept quite roughly for a couple of nights, so if I sound rambly, I apologize.

No, you can't change someone, who they are is who they are, and my LTP(19 years) has always been one to prefer his own company. I am that way too, to an extent, so in some ways it works. We are both in creative fields, so an amount of alone time to work on a project is essential. That being said, there have been some changes over the past 5 years, or so, that have crept up gradually, then with more swiftness. I won't lay blame and more blame on my partner, because it takes two to tango, and I have my own part in things.

We used to have a date night and spent about 4 nights a week together talking, watching a movie, doing things, and usually an outdoor activity on Saturdays...so "connect" time was there. Over time this has dwindled and dwindled, and "No, I'm going to have some quiet time" is said more often then not. I'm not one to jabber on either, if the thought, "Well, maybe she gabs and drives him nuts." comes up. When my EA started 2.5 years ago, my LTP was going through a very bad phase of "aloneness", some days he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. I tried to talk to him, and get him to see someone for a health check-up, and maybe depression, but he wouldn't, so I left him alone, like he seemed to want. I was miserable, but I thought, he'll think it out, whatever it is and then we'll talk about it.

Yes, I have much, much blame for having an online EA, and when I talked to my LTP about it, things got better, for awhile(in infidelity section)...now it's slipping back into "I need some quiet time", almost all the time that he's home. We have no friends or family over, ever, if someone rings our doorbell, he will go out on the porch and talk to them for a few minutes until they go away. No one bothers to try anymore. The phone barely rings. I've taken on complete care of our two pets, a small dog and cat, and now sleep with them in my room because "they scamper too much at night and he can't get quiet time", so now my sleep is disturbed. Also, my space is being annexed more and more, because it "disturbs his quiet" when I walk through the house, go to the bathroom, wash the dishes, or try to work on one of the numerous house projects that sit unfinished. Things are okay as long as I and the pets are in my room, quiet..not all the time, but more and more and more of the time.

So, yes, this has been a spiral really...doable and workable with compromise at first and for a long while...and then downward for about 5 years. I'm worried about him, very much, and have tried to talk to him about it. I'm worried for our relationship, and am trying very hard to fix my part of things...but I can't do it alone, or be this alone in my life much longer. I guess I'm trying to get some perspective and see if this is something that happens in many LTR's, or if this is getting beyond "normal"..normal is subjective, true. I hope that makes some sense, thank you for listening.

[BetrayedH]

I think you have to get SERIOUS about needing more intimacy in your relationship. If this is a dealbreaker (which it appears to be if you're seeking an emotional connection outside of the relationship) then it needs to be made crystal clear to him that this problem is resolved or you are GONE. Personally, I would start with the sleeping in separate bedrooms issue. That is NOT conducive to keeping an intimate relationship. It is keeping a distance between you.

 

Some people find ultimatums to be unsavory. I do, too. However, I think it's critical that people communicate openly and honestly. If something is a dealbreaker for you, it needs to be clearly known and understood by your partner. Then he can either choose to accomodate you or he can decide not to do so (which speaks to incompatibility to me). Regardless, it gets you to a straight answer quickly. Thus, you save both of you from years of slowly building unresolved resentment.

 

The separate bedrooms issue would be a dealbreaker for me. Perhaps it isn't for you. If that's the case, I think you need to clearly identify exactly (specifically) what it is that you do NEED and give him the choice to accomodate that request or not.

[tnimbus]

Thank you Bh for replying. Yes ultimatums are very unsavory, but like you, I believe that sometimes ground has to be stood. That's where I'm getting to. I would like to make sure this isn't a mental health issue before going that route, and if it is,(which I'm starting to think it is), then HELP for the mental health issue has to be received, or the deal is broken.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I'm not, but I am right in needing and wanting more of an intimate and emotional connection with my mate aren't I? I feel so guilty too, for needing more because in most ways he's a very good guy. He doesn't drink like a fish, take drugs, step out on me, abuse me, or anything like that, and when he does talk to me he tries to make me laugh. This aloneness and quiet time has become a very big problem though, one that has to be resolved.

[BetrayedH]

Just a thought. Perhaps the ultimatum is for couples counseling. I get the impression he doesn't open up easily and that's probably a big part in the detachment issues. Joint counseling can be a good way to create a safe environment. It's hard to yell, swear, and throw things when you've got an impartial third-party mediator in the room. And they can bring up subjects that they sense need to be discussed, even when one or both of you lacks the courage to do it. They can also help structure agreements to avoid the situations that you're having with 'I'll do it tomorrow' and such. The added benefit is that when he breaks a commitment he's made, you're not the only one who knows it; the counselor can help keep you both accountable as well. And to your other point, if there's a mental health issue then perhaps it can be identified there.

 

And no, I don't think you're wrong for wanting and needing an emotional and intimate connection with your mate. In fact, the scenario where he's wanting more quiet time even after your EA is pretty odd. While men are less generally disturbed by an EA (and much more concerned about a PA), most betrayed partners either redouble their efforts in the relationship or break it off. You haven't said much about his reaction but it almost sounds like he's indifferent.

[tnimbus]

Two decent nights sleep, issues are still there, but some sleep is helping my thoughts not be so disjointed. Thank you for replying BH...he won't go to couples counseling, I've talked to him about it. We had somewhat of a talk Monday night about the separate bedrooms, all the aloneness etc., and he said he understood and would work on things. We went out on a "date", it was nice. *sighs*...this is all going to take some time to get better, or not. It didn't get messed up in a day, so I understand it won't be fixed in a day. I flat out asked him, "Do you want to split up and live on your own?", as calmly as I could. I said, "People change, and need different things at 45 then they do at 25, I understand that, and if that's what you really want, tell me and let me go. If not, then we need to put some effort into having a relationship and not just living together." He nodded. Last night he went to sleep with me in my bed, after making dinner and intimacy, but went to his bed at some point. It's a start.

 

I agree with you BH. The wanting even more alone time after the EA has been disheartening. When I first broke it off last October after 2 years and told him about it, he was angry, but the anger was at the OM as an online potential predator, not me. I remember him saying,"You've never met this person, so there is no relationship of any sort there, he's convinced you there is by spinning treacle and false promises. Online things are not real, you know that. This man is a user, and he used you because he can't get a woman in rl. It's done now, I don't want to hear anymore about it." I said okay, and tried to not bring it up....then the online OM sent a surprise package to our home, from another country. This clicked something in my mate, and he became very, very angry, asking if I had spoken to the OM, etc. At that time, I hadn't, and told him so. He said "Okay, this guy is trying to get you to communicate with him in some way, see how crazy he is. What kind of man sends a $100 package to a woman in another country who has broken off things between them? A predator, that's who." Please don't speak to him ever again, and please leave any sites he is at. I already had done these things and told him so. The rage dissipated..but we never talked about why it happened in the first place. I've tried...he goes into even more solitude if issues get brought up.

 

Sorry this is long, I don't get on the internet everyday, so I tend to overdo the point when I do. I'm trying to work through some of this, so seeing it written out helps. Thank you for listening.

[Ultramarine]

I think this is still very early for your LTP to recover from your EA...I know that my reaction as a BS was not to redouble my efforts in my relationship (at least at first) but to shut him off, run away, remove the pain. Your LTP may be having a hard time coping, even if he seems okay only even more solitary on the surface.

 

I am a very reserved and non-confrontational person but I realized I have anger issues...been having them ever since the EAs. I don't let it out, don't typically yell or hit or cry, but boy do I want to. It gets pushed deeper and deeper, somewhere into the subconscious and it makes me want to be alone, distracted by a project (I am in a creative field as well). This suppressed anger is something I am currently trying to process, because it stands in the way of me giving my H the love and affection he wants.

 

So...I don't know how much you can push your LTR for counseling...but I think it would help. I doubt he's indifferent, like someone suggested before. Maybe just very quietly angry. How does it help you? Probably not very much until he decides he can open up and be vulnerable with you again. Which is very counter-intuitive but necessary.

[tnimbus]

Thank you UM for replying. You have very good points, and I think you're right. My LTP is like you in many ways. He processes things quietly and usually through projects. When I think about it, his last two involved lots of loud hammering, bandsawing and such in his workshop. He finished one yesterday, then came to me to talk. He talked, and talked, which is a very, very good thing I think. He has a hard time being vulnerable in general, so I'm very happy that he talked at all. I think it's a step in the right direction.

It's going to take time, I know. Things didn't get out of balance in a day, or even a year, so it will take time to get balance back. It will take time for him to fully trust me again, and for him to heal. It's like a broken bone, I think...the break has to heal before the leg can be walked on, or the arm taken out of the sling, clumsy analogy, I know.

UM, I'm sorry about what your husband did. I truly am. I hope you can work your anger out, and you have every right to be angry, and I hope you and your H can work things out.