pink_sugar Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 I'm so tired of my dad. This might belong in the rants section, but I guess I'm looking for inputs too. All my life my dad has been extremely negative and criticized everything my brother and I have ever done in our lives. He never has anything nice to say and is constantly negative. I feel so much better having moved away from the negativity. I thought seeing him once in a while when we visit wouldn't be bad, but I guess I have to keep it even more limited. He always complains and never asks me anything about how my life is going, such as how my new job is going or how I like it in my new area. I remember he said it was a mistake to move before we moved, but it ended up being the best decision for my husband and I. We're much happier. When I get annoyed with him he always blames my mom. Like today he said, "I noticed you've been worse since staying with your mother". I mean, what the hell?! I've been feeling much better lately after being in my new job and surroundings. Even my mom noticed I am much happier and relaxed. My dad just looks for anything he can to blame my mom rather than believe that his attitude is the problem. He's always talked down to me, at 25 years old...he doesn't respect me or my brother at all. Today, all he could think of is asking me what I planned for him for Father's day...completely overlooking my birthday. And then over the phone, says I'm selfish for not travelling down again next weekend to see him for father's day. We live 2.5 hours away and are on a tight budget...it's not feasible for us to come all the time. He just doesn't get it. I mean, when my dad talks down to me I am firm with him and he takes it as "I must have an attitude problem or something wrong with me" or "I'm being rude". He was demanding for me to walk slower and to look at him while we walked and talked. Seriously. I'm sick of being treated like a 10 year old. I guess I will just have to make more of an effort to keep him at a distance since all he does is bring negativity into my life. Does anyone have any suggestions? My dad is a raging narcissist, so he never believes he is ever wrong. I'm not sure if I should even tell him anything, because it feels like he never listens. He said "I was being rude tonight" and that "he's sorry things aren't going well" (his assumption that is far from true) so he would "save my birthday gift for another time". Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Be patient, indeed it is hard to be treated that way for so long. Ideally, the best and kindest thing to do here is to regularly advice your father, gently and politely, of his behavior. But if, as you said, it brings too much negativity, then I think it is better to keep a distance for a while, just like what you are doing now. Please don't cut off the relationship completely however. There could be so many unlucky things that perhaps made your father to behave like that. Again, be patient and persevere, there will always be good things for those who do so. You haven't tell much about your mother, I think most probably she has to endure this bad aspect of your father to a much greater degree. If it is really so, I hope you can always be supportive of her. Take care & good luck pink_sugar. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Pink's mom and dad have been divorced for like 20 years and he STILL brings up Pink's mom constantly. He likes to blame her for everything. It is extremely annoying. FYI, neither I, nor my brother-in-law, or Pink's friends like him. He's just not a likeable person and always brings up inappropriate topics. I have always noticed that Pink's dad constantly brings up topics that affect him and shows little concern for how Pink or her brother are feeling. My BIL hardly talks to the man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 Thanks. Today he was butt-hurt about not being invited to my birthday gathering that was mostly supposed to be a friends-only event (other relatives just invited themselves to go). Some time I will have a talk about his behavior. None of my friends nor my brothers friends care for him at all because of the way he acts. He is very socially awkward and uncomfortable to be around. He wanted to bring up last nights issue on my birthday and I told him I would not talk about that issue in front of other people and I would discuss it at another time. Last night, be brought up a subject that he'd kept harassing me about and it was inappropriate timing. He has a knack for not understanding that certain things need to be said at the right place and time. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Sounds like he's bitter and been that way a long time and never is willing to take on responsibility for it and blames it on others. You can't change him. All you can do is limit your time and the way you react to him. Also, do be careful not to feed info to your mom that she may use to just bait your dad, whether indirectly through siblings or whatever. Maybe no one should have told him about your birthday party he wasn't to be invited to, whether it was you or her or someone else. You will have to be more discreet in order to keep from hurting him any more than necessary. I'm sure he loves you in his own way. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Objectively speaking, the bitterness has landed on your plate as well. Bitter that your father is who he is? He isnt going to change. It takes influential people to do that. My Genetic Father never saw past his nose, unless he had a bone to pick on the imperfections of others. Sound familiar? How did I deal with it, very well after I treated him as the sick gent he was. Once I learned of his life from beginning to present, I learned his family pretty much ignored him, pretty much made him fend for himself. So yeah, reckon I gained a sense of what its like to be around someone who had to fight for everything he had. Doesnt make him right for treating others poorly...So I had to rise above his snide remarks, turn it around and say...Gee Dad, That must of taken alot of courage to speak so unkindly to your daughter. Care to rephrase that? Most times he would just look dumbfound like I must be an idiot for not understanding him the first time. He had some moments of genuine concern and moments where if we got on the right topic he became a man of less bitterness. Age and time do that....He has since passed and I do not miss the negativity...I do miss though the man who sat in those moments and shared a project he achieved or how much he missed being a grandfather to my kids....that did bother him towards the end of his days... Its your chioce at this time in your life how little you wish to be around this toxic gent, In the process of that choice do understand there is more to that man then his negativity....That is just his defense to keep people away...and apparently its working.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
passingbreeze Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) I've read many comments from you here in LS, about your dad. He is obviously extremely self centered, immature, controlling, critical, and has treated you and your brother poorly for years. Don't cater to him on Father's Day. Just send him a card with a modest gift card enclosed, if you can afford it. Don't drive 2 hours to see him! Don't respond to his negative rants and accusations. Don't try to defend yourself! Don't call, email or text him. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Just live your life, and prove to him that you are doing well, and will continue to do well without his interference. I understand that he is your father, and that you love him, but you need to keep a safe distance for a long time. Maybe in the future you can have a normal relationship with him, but first, he needs to grow up. Edited June 10, 2014 by passingbreeze 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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