Ex-friend, sort of ex-BF after 15 years!

[lea80]

A couple of days ago I finally uploaded a photo on my linkedin account, and a friend that i haven't heard from in 15 years sent me a request and then a message.

 

This was a really close friend, lets call him Mike, when i was 17, he was 22 at the time, and we were just friends, but we did make out a couple of times, and we hung out every single day. I really did love him and probably wanted more, but i was scared and when i started university i got a boyfriend, no one special, but i didn't tell Mike about it, he was going out with girls also, but nothing serious, but we still saw each other every day! He never told me, but he was also in love with me, and even told another really good friend of ours that he wanted to be my boyfriend. (i only found out about this later on)

 

Anyway, i didn't really love my boyfriend, and when Mike found out, he was devastated, he didn't want to talk to me, even after i apologized and told him that i would do anything to make it up to him, i even broke it off with my boyfriend, but he just didn't want to talk to me. Over the years my brother saw Mike a couple of times, and he told him that he wanted to talk to me, but my brother didn't think it was a good idea because he saw how depressed i was when we "broke up".

 

Fast forward to the present, im currently doing my Phd in medicine in Europe, been living here for about 5 years now, im also a medical doctor, and everything is great, i also have a boyfriend for the last 6 years, and we are very happy, no kids yet, but happy.

 

Mike sent me this really long message that he has been looking for me for all these years, and he's so happy to have found me. He's divorced (or separated, nor sure), with 2 kids, living in the States, working in his dream job. We texted yesterday for hours, but the conversation was a bit off, he sounded so bitter and resentful towards everything, so different from the guy i knew. he said that he thought that talking with me would make him feel happy, but he just feels sad, i felt sad too, and i told him that i missed him, eel not him, but the guy that i knew, and i told him that we were both strangers now, and that i thought he was so bitter now. He said that he wanted to come visit me, and talk to me, to see if there could be something there, but i said no, that i have a boyfriend, and that i don't even know him anymore.

 

The problem is, i think i feel something for this guy, but not for him, for the one i knew, and i know that if i continue talking to him, i might just tell him to go ahead and meet me here. My boyfriend knows about him, and told me not to lead him on, that Mike is probably lonely and reminiscent of his past, and that maybe he thinks that he doesn't like the way his life has turned out and that there could be something with us, he also thinks that i should just not talk to him.

 

I don't know what to do, i know that i shouldn't talk to him anymore, but i just feel so tempted. Am i cheating on my bf just by talking to Mike?

 

sorry for the long message, i know im leaving a lot out, but im just confused but excited about this

[umirano]

No you're not cheating on your BF, but you certainly will deal him a great amount of hurt if you keep talking to Mike, who is a completely different person now. We all change, you changed. Whatever it was between the two of you, it's not the same anymore. And you inciting Mike's visit in Europe will leave everybody confused and hurt. You're on the brink of GIGSing on your current BF. Think it through. Are you going to BU with your BF, move back to the US where Mike is, and start a RS with him and his two kids from his marriage? If you can't see that happening you'd do everyone (including yourself) a favor by ignoring Mike from now on.

 

I may have been Mike in the past. Sometimes after a bad BU people try to get in touch with previous loves. But that's a hopeless endeavor after more than a year or so because people move on and change.

 

You notice within the first hour or so of messaging that he's bitter. Do you want to get with a bitter person?

 

Also take a very close look at your current RS. Are you truly happy with your guy? If you're tempted to get another guy to pursue you, and you're not suggesting anything else by keeping talking to him, you need to let go of your current BF and look inside yourself.

[HappyLove]

Why would you throw your "happy" relationship away for some bitter man who's life didn't go as planned. Sounds like he has a whole lot if baggage! You're crazy for starting back up with this guy when your life is going so well. He left you devasted 15 years ago, he throws you this breadcrumb and your ready to have him fly to see you. You're asking for a world of trouble!

[Spectre]

I actually do find it to be emotional cheating if you keep talking to Mike. The fact that you have a boyfriend and still feel something for some other guy really calls into question how much you love your boyfriend then. If you truly loved him you wouldn't feel tempted for this guy. So maybe break up with your bf so he can go find someone who isn't tempted to cheat on him with some dude she hasn't seen in decades. It's been 15 years, so if I was your bf I'd of dumped you the second I found out you were tempted by this girl.

 

Stop talking to him and cut off all contact with Mike or leave your bf. Those are your only two choices really. Does your boyfriend know you have feelings for Mike? I'm guessing no, right? Since I can't imagine he'd be okay with you speaking to him if he knew.

[lea80]

I don't have feelings for him, like i said, i don't even know who he is anymore, i think im just nostalgic for the past, like everybody can be at some point in their lives. My boyfriend and i have a really good relationship, he is a very reasonable man and he knows me very well. He trusts me, and i do want to be worthy of that trust, its just that all of this came out of the blue for me, and it made me remember things that i hadn't thought about in a really long time.

 

Mike is not the same Mike that i loved, he DID leave me devastated, but i was also at fault at that time.

 

Im not going to move to the States and pursue any kind of relationship with him, im sure about this.

 

What i would like is to be able to fix what happened 15 years ago, but I know that it is not possible to do that. Like i said, i feel very nostalgic about this, only because it really was special and important to me. It was one of those relationships that change you a little bit, and we were only very good friends. (although i now know we weren't JUST friends, even if nothing physical happened between us)

There is one thing that bothers me, is that if we were such good friends, we should have been able to work things out at that time, and i will never now why he just couldn't forgive me. Maybe i just feel guilty for the way things ended.

 

I guess that the best thing is to just stop talking to Mike. Thank you

[Spectre]

I don't have feelings for him, like i said, i don't even know who he is anymore, i think im just nostalgic for the past, like everybody can be at some point in their lives.

 

Umm..from your own post:

 

"The problem is, i think i feel something for this guy, but not for him, for the one i knew".

 

You kinda see the problem with you just saying you don't have feelings? You just have them for the person he was, not who he is. Which..no, it doesn't make it any better.

 

My boyfriend and i have a really good relationship, he is a very reasonable man and he knows me very well. He trusts me, and i do want to be worthy of that trust, its just that all of this came out of the blue for me, and it made me remember things that i hadn't thought about in a really long time.

 

People in good relationships don't have feelings or feel tempted for dudes they haven't seen in 15 years.

 

Mike is not the same Mike that i loved, he DID leave me devastated, but i was also at fault at that time.

 

So why are you talking about still feeling something, if you DON'T feel anything? Color me confused.

 

Im not going to move to the States and pursue any kind of relationship with him, im sure about this.

 

You shouldn't even have to state this, this should be a given.

 

What i would like is to be able to fix what happened 15 years ago, but I know that it is not possible to do that.

 

Who cares about fixing it? Focus on your boyfriend. Mike will be fine, he has been these last 15 years.

 

Like i said, i feel very nostalgic about this, only because it really was special and important to me.

 

You seem to be awfully confused, since you keep calling it "nostalgia" but no..that isn't what it is going by what you said in your opening post. Nostalgia wouldn't be you saying you still have feelings for Mike, or the Mike he "used to be".

 

So I'm sorry, but you said in your opening post you think you feel something but now you have back tracked and said it is just nostalgia. But, nostalgia doesn't make you have feelings for a person if you truly don't have any for.

[Zahara]

What i would like is to be able to fix what happened 15 years ago, but I know that it is not possible to do that. Like i said, i feel very nostalgic about this, only because it really was special and important to me. It was one of those relationships that change you a little bit, and we were only very good friends. (although i now know we weren't JUST friends, even if nothing physical happened between us)

There is one thing that bothers me, is that if we were such good friends, we should have been able to work things out at that time, and i will never now why he just couldn't forgive me. Maybe i just feel guilty for the way things ended.

 

I guess that the best thing is to just stop talking to Mike. Thank you

 

It's fine to talk to Mike if you both are indifferent and interaction doesn't make you confused, or make you have the need to post on a forum. I don't know if you are having unresolved feelings for Mike or just you romanticizing your past. If it's going to possibly bring drama into your life, maybe you should take a step back and let the sleeping dog lie.

 

You want to fix mistakes you made as a 17 year old, when you were too young to actually have the emotional maturity to properly navigate a relationship?

 

Let it go.

[Spectre]

I'd disagree that it is fine to talk to him if they are both indifferent. At this point, it's already gone into sort of emotional cheating, so either way now she needs to stay away.

[lea80]

I appreciate your answers, and i am having a really hard time right now, because i really want to talk to Mike, and it does make me wonder if my RS is real, because i shouldn't be wondering about this guy.

There have been other men that have pursued me, and I've never had a problem letting them down, i simply didn't not feel tempted by any of them. What is different now is that i think i might be romanticizing the past, like someone said.

I have not answered Mikes messages back, although I've wanted to, and i have talked to my BF about it, about how i feel about the whole situation, and how he feels about it.

I do think that i need some time to myself, not to pursue anything with Mike, that is out of the question, but to see if i do want to be with my BF.

Again, thank you for your answers, and i hope to make my decision in the next days.

[Zahara]

I'd disagree that it is fine to talk to him if they are both indifferent. At this point, it's already gone into sort of emotional cheating, so either way now she needs to stay away.

 

It was an alternative suggestion to her in terms of WHEN communication is acceptable versus now when she's emotional. Side note, I'm not sure why communication wouldn't be acceptable if two people are indifferent (emotionally detached) after 15 years have gone by when they both only made out a few times at 17/22.

 

OP, yes, maybe you're romanticizing what you had with him but if this is making you question your relationship, it would be a good time for you to dig deep and figure things out for yourself. It's very mature of you to discuss this with your boyfriend. I hope you come to a healthy decision for both you and your boyfriend.

[Spectre]

I do think that i need some time to myself, not to pursue anything with Mike, that is out of the question, but to see if i do want to be with my BF.

 

So wow why beat around the bush at this point? If you have a bf and another guy pops back into your life and suddenly you "need time to yourself" then..well, you honestly should let your bf go so he can find someone else. You're already kind of emotionally cheating on him already. Even if it turns out you don't want Mike, you don't want your bf either. If you did, you wouldn't be talking about having a hard time not talking to some other guy and feeling you suddenly now need time to yourself because some dude from 15 years ago begins talking to you.

[Spectre]

It was an alternative suggestion to her in terms of WHEN communication is acceptable versus now when she's emotional. Side note, I'm not sure why communication wouldn't be acceptable if two people are indifferent (emotionally detached) after 15 years have gone by when they both only made out a few times at 17/22.

 

She's already more or less emotionally cheated. It doesn't really matter if she eventually becomes indifferent to the guy once that has happened, she doesn't get to keep him in her life.

 

Even if she didn't..this guy is an ex and a guy who "devastated" her. Sorry, exes are exes for a reason. Why bring potential drama into a relationship..all in order to talk to some dude you used to kind of date? If you feel it's worth it then I'd say maybe that is a sign of how important you view your current relationship. You are quite right she only referred to him as a "sort of ex" but..the "sort of" is more then enough here for it to be not a good idea to be talking to this guy.

[Zahara]

She's already more or less emotionally cheated. It doesn't really matter if she eventually becomes indifferent to the guy once that has happened, she doesn't get to keep him in her life.

 

Even if she didn't..this guy is an ex and a guy who "devastated" her. Sorry, exes are exes for a reason. Why bring potential drama into a relationship..all in order to talk to some dude you used to kind of date? If you feel it's worth it then I'd say maybe that is a sign of how important you view your current relationship. You are quite right she only referred to him as a "sort of ex" but..the "sort of" is more then enough here for it to be not a good idea to be talking to this guy.

 

It was an alternative IF she is in indifferent NOW -- not eventually, if she can become, maybe in time, but now. Knowing that she is emotional, I recommended that she stay no contact and let go. In any case, I think she also said Mike was devastated by her. They were 17/22. There was a lacking in emotional maturity between the two of them. They weren't even in a relationship. Even she doesn't know what they really had. She even had a boyfriend in the midst of this drama.

 

I now speak to an ex-husband once in awhile (a birthday wish, how's things, how's your family, etc.) after 7 years of silence since the divorce. Does that mean I am bringing drama into a relationship or that I'm disrespecting a relationship? No. If two people are emotionally indifferent, mature and have healthy boundaries, and if OP is able to do that, there really is no hard and fast rule that there must be no contact. Especially when parting was amicable and years have gone by, and two people have moved on.

 

An ex is an ex, therefore there must never be any contact. Things aren't always that black and white. But we'll agree to disagree.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Zahara

[marcjb]

I now speak to an ex-husband once in awhile (a birthday wish, how's things, how's your family, etc.) after 7 years of silence since the divorce. Does that mean I am bringing drama into a relationship or that I'm disrespecting a relationship? No.

If he's in a relationship now, then yes. I'm sure is current partner his not thrilled about you being in contact with him.

Edited June 11, 2014 by marcjb

[Spectre]

They weren't even in a relationship. Even she doesn't know what they really had. She even had a boyfriend in the midst of this drama.

 

Which means this girl has a history of emotional affairs.

 

I now speak to an ex-husband once in awhile (a birthday wish, how's things, how's your family, etc.) after 7 years of silence since the divorce. Does that mean I am bringing drama into a relationship or that I'm disrespecting a relationship? No. If two people are emotionally indifferent, mature and have healthy boundaries, and if OP is able to do that, there really is no hard and fast rule that there must be no contact. Especially when parting was amicable and years have gone by, and two people have moved on.

 

An ex is an ex, therefore there must never be any contact. Things aren't always that black and white. But we'll agree to disagree.

 

I think they are that black and white though, unless you have kids with your ex, why play with fire?

 

Though if your boyfriend/current husband doesn't mind you talking to your ex then I would say it's fine, but some people just aren't comfortable with that.

[lea80]

We have been talking with my BF about our situation, and how we both feel about it. I think that i felt like i did because it kind of caught me a bit off guard, and also because our relationship was not at its strongest. My BF agrees that he has been busy with work and friends, and i have also had little time for us because of my job. We know we should spend more time together. Even though the situation with Mike made me question how i felt about my RS, i really do want to be with my BF, i really do love him and i was so sad to even think of not being with him. My BF really trusts me and i think its so good that we can talk about things we are feeling. I know that i hurt my BF, but i think it was better to tell him what i was feeling than to hide it from him. He said that one of the reasons that we could work out this problem is that i chose to talk to him about it, instead of hiding it from him.

Mike and i did talk for the last time some days ago, my BF knew. I honestly can say that i have absolutely no feelings for him. Not knowing what would have happened doesn't make any difference now, and it's ok to miss somebody who, at a defined moment in your life, was very important. But sometimes the past has to stay in the past, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing.