Where to find a woman like this?

[marcjb]

I'm looking for a woman that does not keep her EX's or past flings around as friends, or friends where there were flings. Someone that understands that friends of the opposite sex are ok, but when in a committed relationship, they are friends of the relationship or turn into being more like acquaintances. Meeting new people and getting involved with them emotionally separate from your significant other is not ok. No game playing.

 

I want to be in a longterm relationship, with no other intent than to stay together for life. To help each other through life's challenges no matter how difficult. To embrace life's joys together. Not everything has to be done together, and it's ok to have your own space, likes and dislikes.

 

These are what my expectations are. Apparently I need to find someone who has the same values as me. Seriously, where can I find a woman like this?

Edited June 8, 2014 by marcjb

[contact1]

Down the yellow brick road to the wizard.

[CarrieT]

I have this with my new husband.

I want to be in a longterm relationship, with no other intent than to stay together for life. To help each other through life's challenges no matter how difficult. To embrace life's joys together. Not everything has to be done together, and it's ok to have your own space, likes and dislikes.

 

But, why do you think someone can't be all those things you want above and not still be friends with ex's?

 

Why are the two mutually exclusive?

[marcjb]

But, why do you think someone can't be all those things you want above and not still be friends with ex's?

 

Why are the two mutually exclusive?

 

I don't think it's right to keep people around that you have been intimate with before. I think that it's disrespectful to your current significant other and actually shows a bit of insecurity in the sense that a person is not secure in themselves or their current relationship and are afraid of being alone. They will usually project blame onto their new significant other calling them insecure or jealous.

 

The Rules of Opposite Gender Friendships | Foundation Restoration

 

Do you ever see couples that have been married for years who have friends of the opposite sex which only one of them hangs out or spends time with? No.

Edited June 8, 2014 by marcjb

[salparadise]

I'm looking for a woman that does not keep her EX's or past flings around as friends

 

I feel exactly the same as you. To me it seems like the most obvious thing in the world, but unfortunately these kind of boundary issues are all too common. It's one thing to be on friendly terms with one's ex's but not being willing or able to turn the page when a relationship ends is an entirely different matter.

 

The last two women I dated were doing exactly that. Both had close, platonic relationships with male friends that used to be boyfriends. In one case the dating was several years in the past, and the other was many, many years in the past. In both cases it was the woman who ended the dating relationship, and I suspect that those ex-boyfriends would've been all over any opportunity to reignite the sexual relationship. Both women assure me I had nothing to worry about, but it just felt wrong and no amount of reassurance could change that feeling. The more recent of the two actually felt jealous that I had recently talked on the phone to one of my ex's who lives far away, when she was not only in contact but spent time with hers.

 

It never became a serious issue, and both of those relationships ended for other reasons. But I wonder if maintaining a relationship with these ex's affects (or is a symptom of) a person's ability to invest in a primary relationship.

[Emilia]

But I wonder if maintaining a relationship with these ex's affects (or is a symptom of) a person's ability to invest in a primary relationship.

I wonder too even though I'm one of these women.

 

I'm kind of in touch with several exes but that comes and goes, not a regular or even necessary thing. However, I have a lot of contact with my ex husband. We split up over 10 years ago.

 

We met when I was 20 and he was 25, I spent a large chunk of my early adult life with him as we split when I was 31. It also coincided with my moving to the UK as I met him shortly after coming here.

 

I'm still on very good terms with my former in-laws and went to my former FIL's funeral last year supporting them. We have also maintained a mutual friends' circle. I know my ex's new girlfriend, get on with her and whoever I'm seeing is welcome to socialise with us.

 

The thing is, I'm 42 almost, I've known him for just under 22 years. Built my life here with him. I can't imagine saying good-bye to all of that, cut everything and everyone off and build something completely new and different from scratch. I like him, I like his girlfriend, I like our mutual friends. I like the life I have now.

 

So I don't have an answer for you but I fail to see how what I have now would be better in a different way. Maybe it's more important to me than dating some new guy for 5 or 10 years?

[salparadise]

So I don't have an answer for you but I fail to see how what I have now would [not] be better in a different way. Maybe it's more important to me than dating some new guy for 5 or 10 years?

 

Assuming you omitted "not."

 

We all have a strong need for connection and a sense of belonging, and it seems like you may be fulfilling that through the ex and his family. Getting our needs met is part of the motivation to make romantic relationships work. So it's possible that feeling like you're still a member of their family reduces your intrinsic motivation to bond with someone new.

 

Diverting a good portion of your focus away from new relationships could affect how you perceive their quality since it would be impossible to match that 20 year security factor with a new partner. And this is just from your perspective... it will certainly be felt on the other side of a new relationship as well.

 

I wonder if you're settling (as much as I hate that word) for a feeling of security vs. living fully?

Edited June 9, 2014 by salparadise

[Emilia]

Assuming you omitted "not."

 

We all have a strong need for connection and a sense of belonging, and it seems like you may be fulfilling that through the ex and his family. Getting our needs met is part of the motivation to make romantic relationships work. So it's possible that feeling like you're still a member of their family reduces your intrinsic motivation to bond with someone new.

No, I didn't omit 'not'.

 

I understand what you are saying but I don't agree. I happen to be close to my ex's family because I like them as individuals, not because they are/were family once - if that makes sense. I don't replace my real family bonds with what I have with them. By the same logic, I would have to cut contact with my own sister and mother as well to be completely free of bonds. I like being emotionally independent, I'm not one for Sunday lunches with family.

Diverting a good portion of your focus away from new relationships could affect how you perceive their quality since it would be impossible to match that 20 year security factor with a new partner. And this is just from your perspective... it will certainly be felt on the other side of a new relationship as well.

The thing is, I don't desire to have the same kind of relationship that I had with my ex. I don't desire that security, it's kind of hard to explain but I am a very different person now than I was when we got together and even divorced. I wouldn't get into a relationship like that again. The men I choose today are very very different from him, in every sense of the word.

I wonder if you're settling (as much as I hate that word) for a feeling of security vs. living fully?

No I really don't think so. I've never been freer. He offers me no security, he is quite an anxious individual (that was always a problem in our marriage, one of the reasons why I wanted to leave, it got too much) I don't feel emotionally tied to him the slightest. Our shared friends and having friends I have known all my adult life matters but romantically it doesn't.

 

I was away for years travelling and working in Africa, it was nice to come home to old friends and people that get me.

 

I suppose I don't see living fully as ripping up my roots. Online dating or going on coffee dates with strangers or whatever it is that people do to try to force someone into their lives.

 

I think I'm more chilled and the fact that my old life is present is a consequence of that rather than I'm chilled because my old life is still present - if that makes sense.

 

Dunno, sorry OP for hijacking your thread. I guess my point is that life and relationships are not so black and white.

[salparadise]

...

 

Emilia, it sounds like you're self-aware and know what you want, so my apologies for being too presumptive and getting it wrong. Wishing you all the best.

[Phoe]

I'm looking for a woman that does not keep her EX's or past flings around as friends, or friends where there were flings. Someone that understands that friends of the opposite sex are ok, but when in a committed relationship, they are friends of the relationship or turn into being more like acquaintances. Meeting new people and getting involved with them emotionally separate from your significant other is not ok. No game playing.

 

I want to be in a longterm relationship, with no other intent than to stay together for life. To help each other through life's challenges no matter how difficult. To embrace life's joys together. Not everything has to be done together, and it's ok to have your own space, likes and dislikes.

 

These are what my expectations are. Apparently I need to find someone who has the same values as me. Seriously, where can I find a woman like this?

 

 

 

This is the way I am.

 

 

These women are in all places. They are known as mature, polite, respectful and considerate women.

 

 

We're around, we just don't have signs on our heads indicating this.

[CarrieT]

Do you ever see couples that have been married for years who have friends of the opposite sex which only one of them hangs out or spends time with? No.

 

Wrong. *I* am one of those people...

 

I think that it's disrespectful to your current significant other and actually shows a bit of insecurity in the sense that a person is not secure in themselves or their current relationship and are afraid of being alone.

I think you must be very young.

 

I am not insecure that I am still friends with my exes. I am a mature woman - fifty years of age - who is not afraid of being alone, but will not discount what these people have meant to me in the past to the extent of abandoning them in the present.

 

In my regard, these exes were in my life ten, twenty, and thirty-PLUS years ago. But we have kept in contact over the years because there is a reason we were drawn to each other in the first place. Just because the romance didn't survive, does not mean that the affinity we may have for one another as people cannot still exist.

 

In one case - for me - I dated a man, Michael, for 2 1/2 years in my mid-20s. That was 25 years ago. Michael and I restored British cars together. He is a brilliant and insightful mechanic for these things. When I got married, my new husband bought me two antique British cars as wedding presents (a Jaguar and a Triumph GT6, Mk III). The latter was more of a project than anticipated so we - collectively - called my Ex to ask about it. My new husband invited Michael over for dinner to talk about the project. It was not big deal for any of us.

 

Again, I think your belief is probably very valid for young women who do not know how to have mature, intelligent relationships with exes. For many of us who have been around the block and lived four, five or more decades, those insecurities do not exist. Those experiences and relationships we have had that have made us who we are today ARE very important to us.

 

I am just very lucky to have met a man who is secure enough in our relationship as to acknowledge that we both have pasts and there are occasions where those in our past may be part of our present for various reasons.

[nofeelings22]

Different parts of the country if we are talking USA, seem to have different customs on this.

 

As it turns out, in areas where people are more polite and nice, they keep exes around. In more rude areas, the exes seem to be put to no contact.

 

That's whatbI have noticed.

[preraph]

You don't even want a woman to have any time with other people without you around. I think that's a big insecurity issue of yours. No one wants to have their friends run off because the boyfriend doesn't trust her enough to let her spend time with them alone doing the things girls do without men around. You are afraid if you don't control her and keep her from other people that she will leave. You think so poorly of yourself that you think you have to isolate and control and force someone to stay by making it impossible for them to leave. That's abusive and a reflection on you, not on them.

 

Hanging out alone with an old boyfriend is one thing, but you'd like to be her only person and that's not healthy.

[Raena]

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship with the ex.

 

It's one thing to actually be just friends with boundary lines, it's another to be completely inappropriate with ex's.

 

For me, I'd have issue with a bf having exes hanging around if their relationship is kept secret from me or I'm excluded from it regularly. That would be a problem.

 

In a lot of ways, I'd feel some comfort in knowing that my current bf(if I had one) was able to maintain a respectful but platonic relationship with an ex than if they went completely no contact and couldn't get along with any of them. That's a red flag to me if every single ex is someone you now "hate" and can't get along with.

 

I've never understood how you could spend years with a person, have it not work out romantically and then not be able to civil to each other. It's a slap in the face that says "those years meant absolutely nothing to me" but on the other hand, there are times when it is completely appropriate to never speak to each other again too. Especially if the relationship was unhealthy or abusive.

 

It's all about the boundaries too. If my bf was spending more time alone with his ex than with me that would be a huge problem. Casual friendships are ok but full time, in your face, constantly around exes can become a problem.

 

OP... you can find a woman like you described out there somewhere. Just be more open to the idea that you can have a committed healthy relationship with her even if she is still friends with an ex. Just stay away from the ones who are still paling around with an ex on a regular basis without clear boundaries.

[marcjb]

You don't even want a woman to have any time with other people without you around. I think that's a big insecurity issue of yours. No one wants to have their friends run off because the boyfriend doesn't trust her enough to let her spend time with them alone doing the things girls do without men around. You are afraid if you don't control her and keep her from other people that she will leave. You think so poorly of yourself that you think you have to isolate and control and force someone to stay by making it impossible for them to leave. That's abusive and a reflection on you, not on them.

 

Hanging out alone with an old boyfriend is one thing, but you'd like to be her only person and that's not healthy.

When did I say this?

[Leeway Harris]

I guess I just don't feel I have a right to say to a woman "I don't want you talking to that guy anymore," I don't feel it's my place.

 

And by the same principle, I wouldn't tolerate a woman trying to tell me who I can or can't associate with.

 

But everybody's different and I don't think marcjb should have that much trouble finding a woman who shares his idea of what is appropriate in a relationship.

[preraph]

When did I say this?

 

"Meeting new people and getting involved with them emotionally separate from your significant other is not ok."

[marcjb]

"Meeting new people and getting involved with them emotionally separate from your significant other is not ok."

 

It's not the same thing that you said I was saying. The text that you quoted from me, do you know what that is called? When you cut all of the BS away, that's called dating other people and keeping your options open when someone is supposedly in a committed relationship. There's a difference between meeting new people as acquaintances and getting involved with them emotionally. When the latter is concerned, it's called an emotional affair.

[marcjb]

Wrong. *I* am one of those people...

 

 

I think you must be very young.

 

I am not insecure that I am still friends with my exes. I am a mature woman - fifty years of age - who is not afraid of being alone, but will not discount what these people have meant to me in the past to the extent of abandoning them in the present.

 

In my regard, these exes were in my life ten, twenty, and thirty-PLUS years ago. But we have kept in contact over the years because there is a reason we were drawn to each other in the first place. Just because the romance didn't survive, does not mean that the affinity we may have for one another as people cannot still exist.

 

In one case - for me - I dated a man, Michael, for 2 1/2 years in my mid-20s. That was 25 years ago. Michael and I restored British cars together. He is a brilliant and insightful mechanic for these things. When I got married, my new husband bought me two antique British cars as wedding presents (a Jaguar and a Triumph GT6, Mk III). The latter was more of a project than anticipated so we - collectively - called my Ex to ask about it. My new husband invited Michael over for dinner to talk about the project. It was not big deal for any of us.

 

Again, I think your belief is probably very valid for young women who do not know how to have mature, intelligent relationships with exes. For many of us who have been around the block and lived four, five or more decades, those insecurities do not exist. Those experiences and relationships we have had that have made us who we are today ARE very important to us.

 

I am just very lucky to have met a man who is secure enough in our relationship as to acknowledge that we both have pasts and there are occasions where those in our past may be part of our present for various reasons.

It sounds like you are unaware of how many problems arise when ex's are still in the picture. By any chance have you actually read many threads on this forum? At least 75% of problems are either due to EX's or GIGS / someone new.

[Emilia]

Emilia, it sounds like you're self-aware and know what you want, so my apologies for being too presumptive and getting it wrong. Wishing you all the best.

Not at all! It was a good conversation, it forced me to think.

[irc333]

Yeah, I tend to raise an eyebrow when a woman in her dating profile says, "Fair waring, I have a lot of male friends...and they come first, they came before you, so if you expect me to drop my friends, I'll drop you like a hot potato!"

 

Yeah, Launch!!

 

 

 

 

I feel exactly the same as you. To me it seems like the most obvious thing in the world, but unfortunately these kind of boundary issues are all too common. It's one thing to be on friendly terms with one's ex's but not being willing or able to turn the page when a relationship ends is an entirely different matter.

 

The last two women I dated were doing exactly that. Both had close, platonic relationships with male friends that used to be boyfriends. In one case the dating was several years in the past, and the other was many, many years in the past. In both cases it was the woman who ended the dating relationship, and I suspect that those ex-boyfriends would've been all over any opportunity to reignite the sexual relationship. Both women assure me I had nothing to worry about, but it just felt wrong and no amount of reassurance could change that feeling. The more recent of the two actually felt jealous that I had recently talked on the phone to one of my ex's who lives far away, when she was not only in contact but spent time with hers.

 

It never became a serious issue, and both of those relationships ended for other reasons. But I wonder if maintaining a relationship with these ex's affects (or is a symptom of) a person's ability to invest in a primary relationship.

[irc333]

I recall a time when I was younger, there was this woman I was friends with in college. We had class together, so we could hang out between classes at the college cafe, etc.

 

She was living alone and we would chat on AIM (AOL instant messenger or on the phone).

 

We were just friends, nothing romantic.

 

She acquired a boyfriend, we were still friends while she was serious with this guy...then it all turned to *shyt* when he moved in with her.

 

He saw her chatting with me online (over her shoulder), and asked that she stop.

 

Eventually she told me to only talk to her in class (not even call her at her place, since he's now living there)

 

Then one day I happened upon them at the local mall, they didn't see me, so I didn't approach or anything, as they seemed pretty occupied shopping around.

 

Later that day, I get something eat, go to sit down...then he approaches me and ask that I discontinue contact with her completely. She was rather mortified by him approaching me in a rather threatening fashion, but she didn't put a stop to it...so that says alot about HER "friendship" with me.

 

 

 

I feel exactly the same as you. To me it seems like the most obvious thing in the world, but unfortunately these kind of boundary issues are all too common. It's one thing to be on friendly terms with one's ex's but not being willing or able to turn the page when a relationship ends is an entirely different matter.

 

The last two women I dated were doing exactly that. Both had close, platonic relationships with male friends that used to be boyfriends. In one case the dating was several years in the past, and the other was many, many years in the past. In both cases it was the woman who ended the dating relationship, and I suspect that those ex-boyfriends would've been all over any opportunity to reignite the sexual relationship. Both women assure me I had nothing to worry about, but it just felt wrong and no amount of reassurance could change that feeling. The more recent of the two actually felt jealous that I had recently talked on the phone to one of my ex's who lives far away, when she was not only in contact but spent time with hers.

 

It never became a serious issue, and both of those relationships ended for other reasons. But I wonder if maintaining a relationship with these ex's affects (or is a symptom of) a person's ability to invest in a primary relationship.

[Emilia]

People like to toss around words like control and abuse a lot these days. When I was coming up, if your boyfriend was abusive, that meant he was beating you up, not asking you not to hang out with guys you've already banged.

 

Whenever I meet a girl who starts talking about her exes trying to control her, I usually assume she isn't dateable, and she usually proves me right.

I think this means that you are probably controlling.

[todreaminblue]

I'm looking for a woman that does not keep her EX's or past flings around as friends, or friends where there were flings. Someone that understands that friends of the opposite sex are ok, but when in a committed relationship, they are friends of the relationship or turn into being more like acquaintances. Meeting new people and getting involved with them emotionally separate from your significant other is not ok. No game playing.

 

I want to be in a longterm relationship, with no other intent than to stay together for life. To help each other through life's challenges no matter how difficult. To embrace life's joys together. Not everything has to be done together, and it's ok to have your own space, likes and dislikes.

 

These are what my expectations are. Apparently I need to find someone who has the same values as me. Seriously, where can I find a woman like this?

 

Not in the places you have already been , if you want to find someone for you or soemthing you have lost it is resting in the last place you look adn will stay there until you get there......

 

 

i am friends with my exes and finding someone who accepts that is as about as hard as it is for you to find someone who doesn't,that is an impasse that needs a bridge to be built or choose no bridge, its your choice

 

 

for most people differences are fissures that cant be avoided and bridges are useless endeavours in this instance and other instances of impasse and a defined waste of time constructing

 

 

fortunately the last place you look is the place where differences don't seem to matter so much anymore, because you have found what you were searching for all along and you accept differences and become adept at building a bridge that is solid for both to walk on with more time enjoying perusing the view than what is underfoot...dont look down crossing a bridge or building a bridge, the gaps between well worn and trodden wooden planks are often filled witht he noise of rushing waters and seem wider than they actually are ...that wideness can become metres of indecision until you are forced to crawl across instead of walk...what is in plain sight becomes an illusion beheld by past experiences......that is a scary sound and a scary thought well remembered by me...............deb

Edited June 10, 2014 by todreaminblue

[marcjb]

If you read the threads regarding my last relationship, I did not go out meeting my ex fiancé in some typical place like bar hopping or what not. We met of common interest where we were both into creating music. I produced and DJed and she is a vocalist. These were not our day jobs, just our passions and what we did on the side. She held herself very well, and dress conservatively. I never suspected her of cheating on me physically, but there was very strong evidence of an emotional affair. Now this is why in the future I can not give someone the benefit of the doubt and look past the red flags which I've mentioned in the first post.