Where to find a woman like this?

[marcjb]

I think this means that you are probably controlling.

 

This is what someone says that likes to project blame. They do something they would not be happy about their partner doing, and then blame them for acting "controlling", "insecure", or "jealous".

 

http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png

Edited June 11, 2014 by marcjb

[irc333]

I recall a woman saying, well, in response to "getting back together with an ex"

 

"No...Ex's are EX's for a REASON."

 

Not sure if the same holds for this post.

 

 

 

 

Not in the places you have already been , if you want to find someone for you or soemthing you have lost it is resting in the last place you look adn will stay there until you get there......

 

 

i am friends with my exes and finding someone who accepts that is as about as hard as it is for you to find someone who doesn't,that is an impasse that needs a bridge to be built or choose no bridge, its your choice

 

 

for most people differences are fissures that cant be avoided and bridges are useless endeavours in this instance and other instances of impasse and a defined waste of time constructing

 

 

fortunately the last place you look is the place where differences don't seem to matter so much anymore, because you have found what you were searching for all along and you accept differences and become adept at building a bridge that is solid for both to walk on with more time enjoying perusing the view than what is underfoot...dont look down crossing a bridge or building a bridge, the gaps between well worn and trodden wooden planks are often filled witht he noise of rushing waters and seem wider than they actually are ...that wideness can become metres of indecision until you are forced to crawl across instead of walk...what is in plain sight becomes an illusion beheld by past experiences......that is a scary sound and a scary thought well remembered by me...............deb

[Emilia]

This is what someone says that likes to project blame. They do something they would not be happy about their partner doing, and then blame them for acting "controlling", "insecure", or "jealous".

 

http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png

Heh nope, I take responsibility for my actions as you can see in my previous post. The fact that you felt the need to start this thread and jump on the term 'controlling' tells me that it's you with the problem.

[Emilia]

No, it just means I don't deal with those type of women. I'm sure you've read these forums and seen how many threads here are started because someone's GF hangs around with her ex, or gets drunk at the club. Those are usually the type of women who call their ex controlling. The guy she is dating really likes her, so he tries to overlook the fact that she is out getting wasted with other guys, or keeps her ex boyfriends around. Me, I just don't date this type of girl because I know better. Before I even found these forums I knew women who did this and they almost always ended up cheating on their man.

Evidence? Apart from gossip and hearsay - obviously.

 

or is that too much to ask.

[marcjb]

Heh nope, I take responsibility for my actions as you can see in my previous post. The fact that you felt the need to start this thread and jump on the term 'controlling' tells me that it's you with the problem.

 

This post right here is exactly what I'm talking about with projecting blame. It does not prove anything and all you are doing is moving the blame once again.

 

The problem would be someone who likes to keep EX's or past flings around and / or makes new opposite gender "friends", and getting to know them on an emotional level (that would be the same thing as dating). I am not the one that's doing that to whomever my significant other is, yet you are trying to justify this behavior.

 

http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png

 

Do you know what the word "significant" means in "significant other", or what it means to be in committed relationship? If one wants to act single, they should remain single and not play with someone's emotions.

Edited June 11, 2014 by marcjb

[mattny]

I am still friends with two of my 'flings'. One I only talk to occaisionally, the other we are platonic friends now and nothing more. Ive known her for 10 years and we havent been together in maybe 6. Once I started dating my current ex we both agreed to stop the intimate stuff and just be friends.

 

We were both 'players' before (she actually taught me how to keep my emotions separate from sex), and I saw several women inbetween until I met my ex and we fell head over heels for each other. My friend was cool with it and we have remained friends since. My ex knows of her and has met her and had no issues at all.

 

My ex, on the other hand, axed all bfs and would be flings. Shes the type to cut everything off and devote her full attention to us. Didnt stop guys from trying to get at her though.

[marcjb]

My ex, on the other hand, axed all bfs and would be flings. Shes the type to cut everything off and devote her full attention to us. Didnt stop guys from trying to get at her though.

 

It's understandable if people make advances towards your significant other, but it all depends on how those advances are treated. If they keep them around and put them in the "friend zone" or a "backup plan". That is not ok.

[mattny]

It's understandable if people make advances towards your significant other, but it all depends on how those advances are treated. If they keep them around and put them in the "friend zone" or a "backup plan". That is not ok.

 

Yeah I had no intentions of that and I made it clear to my ex. Communication goes a long way, and I purposely did not hang out with her one-on-one. It was usually in a group setting or double dating to keep things on an even keel.

 

Now that Im single again we have been talking a litte bit and hanging out more often but Im not pursuing it to be anymore than friends.

 

If someone is regularly hanging out with their ex or another guy and they are in a relationship that **** dont fly with me. Thats how I found out she was cheating on me...always tired, would show up to the gym an hour late (i knew her work schedule like the back of my hand), was asking me weird questions like 'i thought you had off today?' (On a thursday of all days) when she was just double checking to make sure I was unable to catch her having lunch with someone else (which she vehemently denied and said it was irrelevant).

Edited June 12, 2014 by mattny

[salparadise]

Like I've said many times on here already, many women want to live like they're single, yet still have a relationship. It doesn't work.

I am still friends with two of my 'flings'.

My ex, on the other hand, axed all bfs and would be flings. Shes the type to cut everything off and devote her full attention to us. Didnt stop guys from trying to get at her though.

 

It's not women exclusively, but it does seem like women may be more likely to hedge their bets by keeping a few in the cue. I read an article recently that theorized an evolutionary advantage to women who do this because having a replacement caregiver ready to step in (or multiples at any time) could be critical to the survival of the progeny if their main squeeze were to meet with an untimely demise in the course of hunting wild beasts or waring with other tribes.

 

In modern-day, monogamous society where success is not so much about survival, but is about having a functional relationship, I don't see how anyone could not realize what the real impact actually is. Whatever investment is made in these secondary/backup relationships is at the cost of the primary relationship, and almost certainly lowers the odds of enduring commitment. So I think the people who do this are delusional in thinking that they're gaining some advantage, assuming a strong primary relationship is the goal. But if guaranteed care-taking still trumps relationship quality for the modern woman, and if she's hot enough to keep the primary guy anxiously attached regardless, then perhaps she is just leveraging her inherent desirability to best advantage in a prehistoric sort of way. I personally prefer the ones who are more evolved, and more invested in the primary relationship.

Edited June 12, 2014 by salparadise

[Desert70]

I'm looking for a woman that does not keep her EX's or past flings around as friends, or friends where there were flings. Someone that understands that friends of the opposite sex are ok, but when in a committed relationship, they are friends of the relationship or turn into being more like acquaintances. Meeting new people and getting involved with them emotionally separate from your significant other is not ok. No game playing.

 

I want to be in a longterm relationship, with no other intent than to stay together for life. To help each other through life's challenges no matter how difficult. To embrace life's joys together. Not everything has to be done together, and it's ok to have your own space, likes and dislikes.

 

These are what my expectations are. Apparently I need to find someone who has the same values as me. Seriously, where can I find a woman like this?

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure how old you are or if you've had long term relationships. I totally agree with your idea about friendships with the opposite sex. My divorce was caused by one of these so called "friendships." At least that's what my ex calls his affair with his "friend." As far as completely disconnecting with exes, it could be difficult when the relationship was way over 20 yrs., and/or if there are children.

 

I wish you the best of lucks finding this person. It is difficult, but hopefully for you it's not impossible. Some of us, due to divorce at anolder age have no hopes, but I honestly wish you the best.

[pteromom]

I think that it's disrespectful to your current significant other and actually shows a bit of insecurity in the sense that a person is not secure in themselves or their current relationship and are afraid of being alone.

 

It also shows insecurity needing to keep all opposite sex friends away from your gf. Honestly, if she is the type who is going to run back to an ex, let her do it so you can move on!

 

You have to be able to trust the person you are with.

 

I have opposite sex friends, and no way do I view any of them as a "backup plan". They are just friends.

 

Still, if this is important to you, so be it. Just be upfront about your expectations. No opposite sex friends. I am sure there are plenty of girls who have the same values.

[marcjb]

I'm not sure how old you are or if you've had long term relationships. I totally agree with your idea about friendships with the opposite sex. My divorce was caused by one of these so called "friendships." At least that's what my ex calls his affair with his "friend." As far as completely disconnecting with exes, it could be difficult when the relationship was way over 20 yrs., and/or if there are children.

 

I wish you the best of lucks finding this person. It is difficult, but hopefully for you it's not impossible. Some of us, due to divorce at anolder age have no hopes, but I honestly wish you the best.

 

Yes, I can understand the complications if there are children involved. My post regarding what my expectations are, are primarily regarding relationships which do not involve partners that already have children.

 

I am in my early 30's and I have been in a few serious relationships before. Not many, but this thread is primarily related to my last relationship and my experience that I had with my ex fiancé. Not just that, but what I see all to often, in real life observing others, as well as the large number of posts on this forum and complications which so many people go through because of this epidemic.

Edited June 12, 2014 by marcjb

[marcjb]

It also shows insecurity needing to keep all opposite sex friends away from your gf. Honestly, if she is the type who is going to run back to an ex, let her do it so you can move on!

 

You have to be able to trust the person you are with.

 

I have opposite sex friends, and no way do I view any of them as a "backup plan". They are just friends.

 

Still, if this is important to you, so be it. Just be upfront about your expectations. No opposite sex friends. I am sure there are plenty of girls who have the same values.

 

I am asking you to quote me where I said someone should not have ANY friends of the opposite sex.

[jbelle6]

I'm looking for a woman that does not keep her EX's or past flings around as friends, or friends where there were flings. Someone that understands that friends of the opposite sex are ok, but when in a committed relationship, they are friends of the relationship or turn into being more like acquaintances. Meeting new people and getting involved with them emotionally separate from your significant other is not ok. No game playing.

 

I want to be in a longterm relationship, with no other intent than to stay together for life. To help each other through life's challenges no matter how difficult. To embrace life's joys together. Not everything has to be done together, and it's ok to have your own space, likes and dislikes.

 

These are what my expectations are. Apparently I need to find someone who has the same values as me. Seriously, where can I find a woman like this?

 

 

I have agreed with you on many other threads about this. What would I honestly do with a guy friend? Get our nails and hair done? Go shopping for pink stuff, shoes? Watch old episodes of Gossip Girl? I have acquaintances that are male that I find to be nice people, but I have zero reason to be texting them 20 times a day or to hang out with them if we aren't in a group setting.

When I am in a relationship I don't respond to private messages from men on Facebook even, they can say what they have to say in public where my guy can see.

 

People get so offended by the sexual aspect of cheating. That's not what hurts my feelings. Hundreds of messages to another woman talking to her about his problems and using pet names, spending time giving affection/attention to another woman, that is part of cheating that cuts me. It's really easy for things to become physical with "friends" like this as soon as your relationship hits a bump in the road.

My mother doesn't go for lunch or dinner with other men she meets and tell my father they are "just friends". I am not sure why that seems to have changed.

[marcjb]

I have agreed with you on many other threads about this. What would I honestly do with a guy friend? Get our nails and hair done? Go shopping for pink stuff, shoes? Watch old episodes of Gossip Girl? I have acquaintances that are male that I find to be nice people, but I have zero reason to be texting them 20 times a day or to hang out with them if we aren't in a group setting.

When I am in a relationship I don't respond to private messages from men on Facebook even, they can say what they have to say in public where my guy can see.

 

People get so offended by the sexual aspect of cheating. That's not what hurts my feelings. Hundreds of messages to another woman talking to her about his problems and using pet names, spending time giving affection/attention to another woman, that is part of cheating that cuts me. It's really easy for things to become physical with "friends" like this as soon as your relationship hits a bump in the road.

My mother doesn't go for lunch or dinner with other men she meets and tell my father they are "just friends". I am not sure why that seems to have changed.

 

Yea, when my ex fiancé finally confessed to me that she was with two "friends" that she introduced me to a week before we met I was extremely mortified. I mean seriously, who wants to meet people that your parter has been with before? You can't help but picture them being intimate together which is just disgusting.

 

The thought that I actually shook the persons hand as if to "congratulate" them. Then it's almost as if they have a long running "inside" joke that's between them and I am just the naive person walking around both of them obvious, and unaware. It sickens me. Apparently some people think real life is like a Seinfeld or Friends episode.

Edited June 13, 2014 by marcjb

[jbelle6]

I had a chat not long ago with a couple women I go to school with. They both agreed that they will find a new boyfriend before they break up with the guy they are with. I told them that, as a guy, I would be turned off by a woman who did this, because I know that she would just leave me for one of her guy friends too.

 

 

 

Soooooo this. It wasn't long ago that another man/woman calling the house to speak to your spouse was a good reason to kick someone's azz.

 

 

Isn't it just so incredibly cruel? I have lots of friends just like yours, line them up and get rid of the old.

I see a lot of guys put up with this stuff on here, they'll see her texting guys and she says their just friends so he puts up with it, then she leaves for one. Just doesn't fly with me. I don't have any masculine hobbies whatsoever so I know if a guy gets friendly it's not to be my friend, those girls know it too.

 

And too true, my Dad would MURDER if a man called. He chased one of my boyfriends from the yard with a shovel.

[jbelle6]

Yea, when my ex fiancé finally confessed to me that she was with two "friends" that she introduced me to a week before we met I was extremely mortified. I mean seriously, who wants to meet people that your parter has been with before? You can't help but picture them being intimate together which is just disgusting.

 

The thought that I actually shook the persons hand as if to "congratulate" them. Then it's almost as if they have a long running "inside" joke that's between them and I am just the naive person walking around both of them obvious, and unaware. It sickens me. Apparently some people think real life is like a Seinfeld or Friends episode.

 

 

Oh no! That's so disrespectful. I feel the past should just be the past and if you want a future with the new person you have to move on.

How can you be just friends with someone you were intimate with?

[marcjb]

Isn't it just so incredibly cruel? I have lots of friends just like yours, line them up and get rid of the old.

I see a lot of guys put up with this stuff on here, they'll see her texting guys and she says their just friends so he puts up with it, then she leaves for one. Just doesn't fly with me. I don't have any masculine hobbies whatsoever so I know if a guy gets friendly it's not to be my friend, those girls know it too.

 

And too true, my Dad would MURDER if a man called. He chased one of my boyfriends from the yard with a shovel.

 

Exactly. After really thinking about it, I have come to learn that the people that call their partner "controlling" when they refuse to put up with this stuff is really just another form of project blame as well. I mean, one does not actually "control" another person. It's more like, one is telling the other what they are not going to put up with in the relationship. No one can control and force another to stay in it.

 

I'm looking forward to the day when I meet someone with the same values as us. I never loved anyone else the way that I loved my ex fiancé. This, and her apparent fear of commitment were problems I had, but besides that, I thought we got a long perfectly in every other aspect.

 

I am not someone that needs to be in a relationship though. Before her I was not in one for about 6 years. After being with her though, someone that I truly have loved, I do miss it. I'm not sure if I'll end up meeting someone that has all of those qualities which I do love about her.

[marcjb]

Oh no! That's so disrespectful. I feel the past should just be the past and if you want a future with the new person you have to move on.

How can you be just friends with someone you were intimate with?

 

One person was someone that she said she was friends with for about 5 or 6 years and they had a drunken night together a week before I met her. The other person was a high school friend / crush where she said nothing ever happened in all of those years that they knew each other, but again, I guess the same week she was with her other friend, she went to go visit her parents who live in another state and she met up with this high school friend and they both ended up seeing if something was there. She said there wasn't and it was kind of awkward, but she insisted that nothing changed between them in regards to their friendship. She ended up agreeing to not see them anymore after she confessed to me. I feel like she is someone that subconsciously self-sabotages her relationships between mainly just having guy friends and making new guy friends when in a relationship. Only a matter of time before the G.I.G.S. shows up. She is probably someone that will never actually commit and get married because of this I guess... even though she actually wanted to get married a year into our relationship. At that time I told her that I would like to marry her, but we should give it more time to get past typical relationship hurdles. I proposed to her at 2 and 1/2 years in, then two months after that she confessed that she "didn't feel the same way about me". Loved me, but was not "in love" with me anymore.

Edited June 13, 2014 by marcjb

[jbelle6]

One person was someone that she said she was friends with for about 5 or 6 years and they had a drunken night together a week before I met her. The other person was a high school friend / crush where she said nothing ever happened in all of those years that they knew each other, but again, I guess the same week she was with her other friend, she went to go visit her parents who live in another state and she met up with this high school friend and they both ended up seeing if something was there. She said there wasn't and it was kind of awkward, but she insisted that nothing changed between them in regards to their friendship. She ended up agreeing to not see them anymore after she confessed to me. I feel like she is someone that subconsciously self-sabotages her relationships between mainly just having guy friends and making new guy friends when in a relationship. Only a matter of time before the G.I.G.S. shows up. She is probably someone that will never actually commit and get married because of this I guess... even though she actually wanted to get married a year into our relationship. At that time I told her that I would like to marry her, but we should give it more time to get past typical relationship hurdles. I proposed to her at 2 and 1/2 years in, then two months after that she confessed that she "didn't feel the same way about me". Loved me, but was not "in love" with me anymore.

 

 

NEW guy friends? Oh HELL no. NO NO NO!!! And if she f-d them then the other ones were never just "friends" either.

I think you are better off without this one. There are non selfish women out there that put their relationship above outsiders or their past, trust me.

Seems hard to find men or women out there but they exist.

 

My last relationship didn't work out, but we never did that stuff to each other and that was really nice. No adding random people on social media, no texts and messages to the opposite sex and all of this crap. I think I miss that relationship more than I miss him in some ways, because I am scared I will never find that calm drama free bond. I HATE games. If I like or love someone I show it and just want the same in return.

[marcjb]

Yea, I really don't think it's asking too much from people. I'll never understand what is going on in the minds of someone like this. I have a feeling she'll end up contacting me at some point. Our 3 year anniversary would be on the 18th of this month. I am definitely not going to be contacting her though. Eventually she'll realize what she lost. I would have been there by her side throughout life, but she ruined it.

Edited June 13, 2014 by marcjb

[marcjb]

Now I'm just not sure how to go about things with someone in the future. Lets say I meet someone that I am interested in having a relationship with but at one point they bring up someone that that they are friends with who happens to be a guy. I obviously don't want to meet a guy that they've been with before, so am I supposed to ask them before meeting them if it's someone that they've been with? Seems kind of awkward in itself, but really, what choice do I have?

[jbelle6]

Exactly. After really thinking about it, I have come to learn that the people that call their partner "controlling" when they refuse to put up with this stuff is really just another form of project blame as well. I mean, one does not actually "control" another person. It's more like, one is telling the other what they are not going to put up with in the relationship. No one can control and force another to stay in it.

 

I'm looking forward to the day when I meet someone with the same values as us. I never loved anyone else the way that I loved my ex fiancé. This, and her apparent fear of commitment were problems I had, but besides that, I thought we got a long perfectly in every other aspect.

 

I am not someone that needs to be in a relationship though. Before her I was not in one for about 6 years. After being with her though, someone that I truly have loved, I do miss it. I'm not sure if I'll end up meeting someone that has all of those qualities which I do love about her.

 

 

Oh, so this!!! The gaslighting. How people can say that someone is controlling and being jealous when they KNOW they are up to shady crap is beyond me!!!!!!!!!! But they do it time and again.

 

And I feel the same, I really like my ex as a person, he had a ton of qualities that I adore and wonder if I will find again. He was just a nice guy, but not feeling it like I was I guess.

There are a lot of people in the world, I am sure we will both meet nice ones. I just want someone a bit old fashioned I guess. I don't like the way things are now.

[marcjb]

Oh, so this!!! The gaslighting. How people can say that someone is controlling and being jealous when they KNOW they are up to shady crap is beyond me!!!!!!!!!! But they do it time and again.

 

Yes, especially when you know they would not like it if the situation was reversed and you were the one doing it.

 

I guess I'm just old fashioned as well, but I'm sure there's a better word that we could use because I'm certainly open minded with just about every other aspect of my life.

 

Not sure if you saw this earlier, but I think you'll like this.

 

http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png

[jbelle6]

Now I'm just not sure how to go about things with someone in the future. Lets say I meet someone that I am interested in having a relationship with but at one point they bring up someone that that they are friends with who happens to be a guy. I obviously don't want to meet a guy that they've been with before, so am I supposed to ask them before meeting them if it's someone that they've been with? Seems kind of awkward in itself, but really, what choice do I have?

 

 

 

This is really hard. God, I don't even know. I don't know how I would either.

I have never been introduced like you have to an ex. Men that date me usually just know my principals very early on. I wouldn't date a guy who's friends were all female, so if I was a guy I would not date a girl who's friends are all male. Tough one!!!