I need out

[Beautiful River]

I am in a marriage that I entered within three months of meeting my husband at the age of 21. We have now been married 23 years. It has been comfortable, peaceful, financially stable but I have felt very lonely for years. I never acted on these lonely feelings until last year. I entered into an affair with a man who is separated from his wife but who also had a girlfriend. At the time, he told me the girlfriend was "someone he only saw occasionally", "something he didn't want", "someone who lived over 3 hours away". This was something I didn't seek but happened gradually over the course of a year before we "crossed the line". I was lonely and before I crossed the line, I already knew I was in love with him.

 

Well after some time, I realized the girlfriend was more than what he initially told me. She comes around on a regular basis, even drives 3 hours to see him.

I love this man. He is so good to me when I am with him. we get along so well, laugh, have lots in common, and enjoy each other tremendously. But, I know he is sleeping with her also. He tells me he cares for us both and is "not in a position to make a decision" He is not divorced from his wife. They have been separated for over 12 years. He claims it is a financial matter, that she fights him and he can't pay the expensive attorney fees. I have seen "evidence" of his efforts to get his divorce (court papers) so I think he is being truthful here. I do think he lied to me initially about the relationship status he has with the girlfriend.

 

I just feel awful about this situation. I'm in an unhappy marriage. I wish I didn't love him as much as I do. WHen we go out, I pay "most of the time" since I make more money, and I do feel that I am being used but also know that I allow it.

I never thought I would be in this situation that is so immoral and seems so "white trash" to me. Material for a Jerry Springer show. I am a prof woman with a great job so I should have more self respect for myself but I don't.

 

Am I so lonely that I will accept crumbs just for the chance to spend time with him?? I have tried to end it three times but keep going back. I am miserable with him and without him. When I first started the relationship, I was under the impression that we would be together in a serious relationship. I was willing to leave my husband. As time went on, I stayed, mostly for the kids, when I realized his situation with his girlfriend.

 

Now, before you judge me, know that you can't judge me more than I have already judged myself. I am in the wrong. I have messed up. My husband is a victim, but he is not totally innocent (another long story).

 

I just need advice on how to once and for all, leave this toxic relationship. I do love him but hate the situation I am in. I must not have any self respect or self esteem to allow someone to treat me like this.

Edited June 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jellybean89]

Your H is the victim. Does the MM's OW/GF know about you? Nothing your H did or didn't do was an excuse to cheat. Sounds like both you & your H checked out of the marriage -- and that is both of your responsibilities.

 

You know you are being used by the MM. He has a wife and a OW, which makes you the OOW.

 

Why is that okay for you? I get being lonely, but being the OOW seems desperate and not giving a darn about yourself.

 

How do you end it? You just do. You realize you are just an option for a MM with a wife ans OW/GF...you realize you are worth more than being the OOW.

 

You walk away. You remind yourself you shouldn't allow yourself to be so disrespected. And then you grieve and move on.

[Beautiful River]

thanks I know I need a kick in the rear end. I don't know why I have allowed this situation to continue other than the fact that I do love him and I am unhappy at home. I have tried to end it but keep going back. Its easier said than done. My husband is the vicitm but he has contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. I tried for years on end to make things work. I just got tired of always being the one who was trying. Thats a long story and if you knew the whole story, you might understand why I am so reluctant to pull away from someone that I truly do enjoy spending time with.... at any cost it seems.

No, his girlfriend does not know about me. However, I have had to be in situations where he has brought her around in front of me which has hurt me deeply. He claims "he owes her" and can't break up. I am not being mean but I honestly do not know what he sees in her. I don't know what "he owes her" but it must be big.

When I question him about the future, he says that things will evolve in time, that life will sort itself out, that we should just enjoy the moment and the time together.

[beach]

That's a MM that has many opportunities to harm many women.

 

But you also are causing harm to your H by the way you participate.

 

IF you intend to stay married - get honest with your husband.

 

You aren't acting "married" in an acceptable way.

[preraph]

If you think loneliness is your problem, then you don't have to have a man to fix that. You need friends and maybe family to fix loneliness. No one, no matter their status, is every one hundred percent happy all the time. Content really ought to be enough on a day to day basis with happiness and joy coming from everyday things and appreciating what's good in your life. And it sounds to me like you have what every woman wants.

 

Instead of having an affair, you should be talking to your husband about a vacation or having more girls' nights out with just friends, getting a pet or a lake house or something. If you're truly just over this decent partnership, then you should at least respect your husband enough to end that first before sleeping around.

 

He deserves better.

[jwi71]

He tells me he cares for us both and is "not in a position to make a decision"

 

Translation: I like having BOTH women - and no way am I changing that unless FORCED to.

 

And, can you blame him really? HIS needs are perfectly met.

 

Yours - not so much. And, give it some time, I think you may discover YOUR needs don't really matter in his calculus.

 

 

He is not divorced from his wife. They have been separated for over 12 years. He claims it is a financial matter, that she fights him and he can't pay the expensive attorney fees. I have seen "evidence" of his efforts to get his divorce (court papers) so I think he is being truthful here.

 

Uh, what?

You're telling us that, in 12 YEARS, he hasn't managed to scrape up enough money to see this through? After 12 years, the W is still fighting -what? The D itself? Assets?

 

I do think he lied to me initially about the relationship status he has with the girlfriend.

 

Ya think?

 

 

I just feel awful about this situation. I'm in an unhappy marriage. I wish I didn't love him as much as I do. WHen we go out, I pay "most of the time" since I make more money, and I do feel that I am being used but also know that I allow it.

 

Agreed.

And this is acceptable to you?

 

I never thought I would be in this situation that is so immoral and seems so "white trash" to me. Material for a Jerry Springer show. I am a prof woman with a great job so I should have more self respect for myself but I don't.

 

Self Respect for yourself. An A, DOES, no matter the outcome, TAX one's belief in them self - the never-quite-vanishing "If I were better he would..." thoughts that pollute the mind and erode esteem. The line of "that which wont be tolerated" - always, imperceptibly inching outward - allowing more and more outlandish behaviors and lies - all for the sake of what...a man who lies? Who "cant make a decision?".

 

This sounds more like someone some bereft of joy that even the smallest out felt - no matter the cost - is worth it. But it isn't.

 

Joy and happiness ARE your right. It is unlikely to be found in an A. Seek them WITHIN - and maybe that means your first step is IC. Maybe a visit to a lawyer yourself.

 

Am I so lonely that I will accept crumbs just for the chance to spend time with him??

 

Yes.

 

I have tried to end it three times but keep going back. I am miserable with him and without him.

 

The very definition of toxic.

Toxic is never a good thing.

 

When I first started the relationship, I was under the impression that we would be together in a serious relationship. I was willing to leave my husband. As time went on, I stayed, mostly for the kids, when I realized his situation with his girlfriend.

 

Pot meet kettle.

 

Now, before you judge me, know that you can't judge me more than I have already judged myself.

 

This is the internet - home of nyan cat, some of the funkiest porn you can imagine and YouTube comments.

 

In my best Darth Vader voice - Do not underestimate the power of the internet.

 

I am in the wrong. I have messed up. My husband is a victim, but he is not totally innocent (another long story).

 

Nope. This A is all on you. Bringing your H into this is just excuse making and attempts to whitewash this behavior. I think you know this already though.

 

I just need advice on how to once and for all, leave this toxic relationship. I do love him but hate the situation I am in. I must not have any self respect or self esteem to allow someone to treat me like this.

 

A smart woman in an happy M afraid of change.

You are, sadly, not alone in that boat. Many, as far as we know - or so I say anyway - do NOT cheat. Instead, they file for D.

 

Having an A does NOT, as you are living - improve one's life (typically) - again, you appear to be living this.

 

So change it.

 

What, in your rational self, can you DO to IMPROVE your life?

[sunburned]

Quote:

I have tried to end it three times but keep going back. I am miserable with him and without him.

The very definition of toxic.

Toxic is never a good thing.

 

 

jwi71 is right. This is toxic TO YOU. It's nirvana to him. Three women. Wow.

When you say you're miserable with and without him, you're forgetting an important distinction. Things will never get better with him. With a W and primary OW in the picture, they can only get worse. They will get better without him. But you must be willing to endure some short-term pain to get the long-term benefit. Please summon up what remains of your dignity and just go NC. It will be hard as hell for a few months, but it will be so worth it.

 

 

When that's done, consider MC or just some soul-searching. When we have affairs (and I did) we tend to rewrite our marital histories. Maybe you made your H worse in your mind to justify the A. I am guilty of some of that, so I probably project onto others' situations. But if your M is truly over, then leave and open yourself up to meeting someone new and let your H do the same.

 

 

But please don't let this man take advantage of you another day just because you are geographically more convenient than his primary OW/GF.

[beach]

Do you realize I can't tell by reading your post which relationship you intend to end?

 

The marriage? OR

 

The affair?

 

Can you see why it's a problem? Which do you intend to end?

[LadyLee]

I feel so bad for you and most if us are here because we have been in your shoes. Some of us still are. So know judgement here.

 

What everyone is saying is true! You already know that it's toxic. You have to Love Yourself more then this! I know how it feels to be lonely and married. Yes it will be hard but first thing us first-END THE AFFAIR ASAP! There is no good whatsoever that can come of this. Even if you were the OW and he was working on the two of you, there could be hope but you are #3- at least that you know of!? That is insane!

 

Go NC, get a hobby, sign up for something- take a trip- getaway...or get a pet! Something for you to focus on- positively. Put ALLLLLL efforts into that and NC. It's going to be really rough but come here and work thru it. You can do this!

 

Because ultimately you don't deserve this. It's a long road but all journeys begin with one step. Then you can begin to decide what to do about your marriage. Just please do something- it can't go on like this.

 

Lee

[whichwayisup]

When I first started the relationship, I was under the impression that we would be together in a serious relationship. I was willing to leave my husband.

 

Divorce your husband regardless of what happens with the MM. Just because now the affair isn't going anywhere doesn't mean you should stay married. Set your H free so he can grieve and move on, find happiness and love with someone else. You both deserve that so be fair and end your marriage. The kids will adjust with the help of support, love and some family counseling. Maybe your H is just as unhappy as you are? Or is your marriage worth saving by doing marriage counseling? Do think long term here, not just in the heat of the moment.

 

As for your MM, sounds like he just is playing the field and doesn't want anything serious.

[A.Moscote]

I have tried to end it three times but keep going back...

Maybe it is easier to end it with your husband instead? That would be much better for you, because honestly there are tons of men that are better than your husband. You have been so lonely for many years, believe in yourself and don't be afraid to change.

 

Who knows if you are single, your current OM will be more confident to leave his GF. (Oh poor girl, what a fate she's blissfully living. Now who's concern enough to out the A, and save this un-distressed damsel? You, beautiful river?)

[Beautiful River]

I feel so bad for you and most if us are here because we have been in your shoes. Some of us still are. So know judgement here.

 

What everyone is saying is true! You already know that it's toxic. You have to Love Yourself more then this! I know how it feels to be lonely and married. Yes it will be hard but first thing us first-END THE AFFAIR ASAP! There is no good whatsoever that can come of this. Even if you were the OW and he was working on the two of you, there could be hope but you are #3- at least that you know of!? That is insane!

 

Go NC, get a hobby, sign up for something- take a trip- getaway...or get a pet! Something for you to focus on- positively. Put ALLLLLL efforts into that and NC. It's going to be really rough but come here and work thru it. You can do this!

 

Because ultimately you don't deserve this. It's a long road but all journeys begin with one step. Then you can begin to decide what to do about your marriage. Just please do something- it can't go on like this.

 

Lee

Thank you for not judging me. I have spent the last year judging myself. I think that is one reason I am so unhappy. I just don't like the situation or who I have become. I would love to be the happy carefree girl I once was.

I am going to try the NC. Like I said, I have ended it three times already. I've ended it before with heartfelt letters, long conversations, etc I don't think there is anything left to say. He knows how I feel.... When I have ended it in the past, I get this reply, "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to cause you pain. I wish I was in a different place but I'm not. I'm working towards making that happen and getting close. (What he means is that he is finally getting out from under tremendous debt and having to provide for a wicked wife who won't work and four kids. Three of the kids have now married and he just has one left at home. His wife fights him on every divorce attempt. He says he can't pay his current bills plus the extensive lawyer bills...) As far as the girlfriend...... he has even told me once that she is boring... I don't know what he sees in her. He says they have known each other forever and go waaaay back. I think he feels obligated to her because she drives hours to see him every two weeks and stays the whole weekend.

I have made him out to be so bad but he has many good qualities. He volunteers in the community, would help you with anything, is so kind to people, mannerly, intelligent, treats you like a queen when he is with you, but just can't seem to break off relationships.... He has said he thinks he is "warped" by being forced to marry his wife (she got pregnant in high school) and then she was so controlling, and just mean spirited.

The no contact will kill me as we have been friends for ever. I always hoped that we would end up together but at this point, I am just feeling used.

He won't give me cards (afraid of evidence) and only texts if I text first. So, I feel like I am also chasing him. I honestly don't know what is wrong with me?? I g4t NOTHING out of this relationship.

[Beautiful River]

Quote:

I have tried to end it three times but keep going back. I am miserable with him and without him.

The very definition of toxic.

Toxic is never a good thing.

 

 

jwi71 is right. This is toxic TO YOU. It's nirvana to him. Three women. Wow.

When you say you're miserable with and without him, you're forgetting an important distinction. Things will never get better with him. With a W and primary OW in the picture, they can only get worse. They will get better without him. But you must be willing to endure some short-term pain to get the long-term benefit. Please summon up what remains of your dignity and just go NC. It will be hard as hell for a few months, but it will be so worth it.

 

 

When that's done, consider MC or just some soul-searching. When we have affairs (and I did) we tend to rewrite our marital histories. Maybe you made your H worse in your mind to justify the A. I am guilty of some of that, so I probably project onto others' situations. But if your M is truly over, then leave and open yourself up to meeting someone new and let your H do the same.

 

 

But please don't let this man take advantage of you another day just because you are geographically more convenient than his primary OW/GF.

Thank you. I know you are right. I am going to try NC. I have tried before but keep going back because I "miss my friend" so much. I keep hoping and praying that I will just wake up one day and not care anymore....

[Beautiful River]

If you think loneliness is your problem, then you don't have to have a man to fix that. You need friends and maybe family to fix loneliness. No one, no matter their status, is every one hundred percent happy all the time. Content really ought to be enough on a day to day basis with happiness and joy coming from everyday things and appreciating what's good in your life. And it sounds to me like you have what every woman wants.

 

Instead of having an affair, you should be talking to your husband about a vacation or having more girls' nights out with just friends, getting a pet or a lake house or something. If you're truly just over this decent partnership, then you should at least respect your husband enough to end that first before sleeping around.

 

He deserves better.

Please know that I have tried all these things to erase my loneliness. I do have friends. I travel often. I have many hobbies. I have even scheduled myself with community events/volunteer work that I don't have time to think! I do this to the point of exhaustion so that I don't have to think about my situation. I also do it so I don't sit around waiting to see if we can be together. I LOVE his company. We have so many things in common and can talk for hours. We were friends for a long time before we crossed the line. I just need to endure the painful NC and hopefully time will ease my pain. I don't think I will ever love someone the way I love him.

[Beautiful River]

Your H is the victim. Does the MM's OW/GF know about you? Nothing your H did or didn't do was an excuse to cheat. Sounds like both you & your H checked out of the marriage -- and that is both of your responsibilities.

 

You know you are being used by the MM. He has a wife and a OW, which makes you the OOW.

 

Why is that okay for you? I get being lonely, but being the OOW seems desperate and not giving a darn about yourself.

 

How do you end it? You just do. You realize you are just an option for a MM with a wife ans OW/GF...you realize you are worth more than being the OOW.

 

You walk away. You remind yourself you shouldn't allow yourself to be so disrespected. And then you grieve and move on.

Thats what i have tried and am trying to do. Just end it, walk away. Much easier said than done. I want my peace back.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Divorce your husband regardless of what happens with the MM. Just because now the affair isn't going anywhere doesn't mean you should stay married. Set your H free so he can grieve and move on, find happiness and love with someone else. You both deserve that so be fair and end your marriage. The kids will adjust with the help of support, love and some family counseling. Maybe your H is just as unhappy as you are? Or is your marriage worth saving by doing marriage counseling? Do think long term here, not just in the heat of the moment.

 

As for your MM, sounds like he just is playing the field and doesn't want anything serious.

 

Bad advice. There is no way anyone can tell you whether or not you should throw your 22 year marriage in the toilet permanently without getting MC and trying everything first.

 

Oh how I understand loneliness. It poisons the soul. It makes us desperately seek our solace.

 

 

Perhaps you can save your marriage? Maybe you Can't, but before you toss it out, make a real effort to fix it. As long as you are having an affair your husband will always pale in comparison. You will always have another man to compare him to (even a loser like the one you are seeing)

 

Unlike some others on here, I do not suggest you tell your hubby expect in the case of STD. Which is very likely since this guy is sleeping with another women as well as you. Can you imagine giving Your innocent hubby a std? That would just be so terrible. Perhaps that will be motivation enough. Who knows who this OW is sleeping with? But if you believe you are std free and have used protection, I would try to fix the problems within the marriage before "confessing" your infidelity. Your marriage would likely instantly die on the vine (since men tend to never forgive this) AND you will waste a ton of valuable counseling time that could be spent fixing the marriage instead of losing time spending years the repairing trust, to me that is a huge waste of time and doesn't get to the core of anything.

 

Dump the MM and focus on your marriage.

Edited June 9, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[whichwayisup]

Bad advice. There is no way anyone can tell you whether or not you should throw your 22 year marriage in the toilet permanently without getting MC and trying everything first.

 

I did mention going to MC..

 

Or is your marriage worth saving by doing marriage counseling?

[DKT3]

Bad advice. There is no way anyone can tell you whether or not you should throw your 22 year marriage in the toilet permanently without getting MC and trying everything first.

 

Oh how I understand loneliness. It poisons the soul. It makes us desperately seek our solace.

 

 

Perhaps you can save your marriage? Maybe you Can't, but before you toss it out, make a real effort to fix it. As long as you are having an affair your husband will always pale in comparison. You will always have another man to compare him to (even a loser like the one you are seeing)

 

Unlike some others on here, I do not suggest you tell your hubby expect in the case of STD. Which is very likely since this guy is sleeping with another women as well as you. Can you imagine giving Your innocent hubby a std? That would just be so terrible. Perhaps that will be motivation enough. Who knows who this OW is sleeping with? But if you believe you are std free and have used protection, I would try to fix the problems within the marriage before "confessing" your infidelity. Your marriage would likely instantly die on the vine (since men tend to never forgive this) AND you will waste a ton of valuable counseling time that could be spent fixing the marriage instead of losing time spending years the repairing trust, to me that is a huge waste of time and doesn't get to the core of anything.

 

Dump the MM and focus on your marriage.

 

Problems in marriages don't cause infidelity, if they did we would have 100% infidelity in all marriages.

 

Problems is within the unfaithful spouse. I was in the same marriage as my wife and I didn't cheat, your husband is in the same marriage as you and to the best of your knowledge he hasn't cheated.

 

As sunburned mentioned the unfaithful spouse will rewrite the history of the marriage to justify the A and make themselves feel better or less guilt for the betrayal.

 

OP you can't face the issue in your marriage without facing the A. Your A will cause you unknown damage as you attempt to fix what "HE" is doing wrong. Besides you can't commit to rebuilding as long as your thinking what if and lusting after another man.

[jellybean89]

thanks I know I need a kick in the rear end. I don't know why I have allowed this situation to continue other than the fact that I do love him and I am unhappy at home. I have tried to end it but keep going back. Its easier said than done. My husband is the vicitm but he has contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. I tried for years on end to make things work. I just got tired of always being the one who was trying. Thats a long story and if you knew the whole story, you might understand why I am so reluctant to pull away from someone that I truly do enjoy spending time with.... at any cost it seems.

No, his girlfriend does not know about me. However, I have had to be in situations where he has brought her around in front of me which has hurt me deeply. He claims "he owes her" and can't break up. I am not being mean but I honestly do not know what he sees in her. I don't know what "he owes her" but it must be big.

When I question him about the future, he says that things will evolve in time, that life will sort itself out, that we should just enjoy the moment and the time together.

 

He brings her around you, knowing full well it will hurt you but he doesn't CARE...what matters to him is his wants and needs. He is feeding you all kinds of BS and you are believing him. He owes her? So cheating on her with you is how he shows his appreciation for whatever he feels she owes him?

 

So his GF isn't up to your standards of girlfriend material for him?

 

Thank you for not judging me. I have spent the last year judging myself. I think that is one reason I am so unhappy. I just don't like the situation or who I have become. I would love to be the happy carefree girl I once was.

I am going to try the NC. Like I said, I have ended it three times already. I've ended it before with heartfelt letters, long conversations, etc I don't think there is anything left to say. He knows how I feel.... When I have ended it in the past, I get this reply, "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to cause you pain. I wish I was in a different place but I'm not. I'm working towards making that happen and getting close. (What he means is that he is finally getting out from under tremendous debt and having to provide for a wicked wife who won't work and four kids. Three of the kids have now married and he just has one left at home. His wife fights him on every divorce attempt. He says he can't pay his current bills plus the extensive lawyer bills...) As far as the girlfriend...... he has even told me once that she is boring... I don't know what he sees in her. He says they have known each other forever and go waaaay back. I think he feels obligated to her because she drives hours to see him every two weeks and stays the whole weekend.

I have made him out to be so bad but he has many good qualities. He volunteers in the community, would help you with anything, is so kind to people, mannerly, intelligent, treats you like a queen when he is with you, but just can't seem to break off relationships.... He has said he thinks he is "warped" by being forced to marry his wife (she got pregnant in high school) and then she was so controlling, and just mean spirited.

The no contact will kill me as we have been friends for ever. I always hoped that we would end up together but at this point, I am just feeling used.

He won't give me cards (afraid of evidence) and only texts if I text first. So, I feel like I am also chasing him. I honestly don't know what is wrong with me?? I g4t NOTHING out of this relationship.

 

So his wife is a "wicked witch"? They obviously made an arrangement about her working. You probably weren't privy to that conversation. I also don't buy the whole "he had to marry her cause she got pregnant". You make it sound like she was the cause of the pregnancy, when I know without a doubt, she didn't get pregnant on her own.

 

So he has a wife, a GF (OW) and you, the OOW.

 

Busy guy. The NC will NOT "kill you". You have survived prior to him, you have survived being 3rd choice, you will survive and provably thrive once you are away from this jerk face. He has 3 women wanting him and he isn't denying any if them! Hopefully, you have used protection because I would be the has t used it faithfully.

 

You do know that the wife and GF/OW are not your enemies. I'd bet the wife has no knowledge if you it his primary OW. I'd bet the primary OW has no knowledge of you and I bet she thinks he is this-close to being divorced. You know about both if the other women, and it is obvious from your posts that neither of them are worthy of having his heart.

 

Ending a marriage doesn't take 12 years. Even a vengeful wife can't keep it going that long. There is a lot more to his story than you know. And even tho he has been with you for x amount of months/years, he has chosen to date & stay with another woman. I know he tells you it's cause he "owes" her or whatever other crap he is feeding you, but again, ending a relationship is easy. He could have ended it with her so many times, but he hasn't.

 

And then there's you - always available, alway ready to stroke his ego, to fulfill his fantasies, to do whatever is necessary to "keep him".

 

Yes, it is easy to end an affair...I'm sure you don't want to do it, but that doesn't make it any less easy.

 

You do it by deciding you will not be #3 on his list of women. You do it by regaining your self respect and realize you have made him your priority when he has made you his option.

 

Stop letting him manipulate you. There is no future with him...no matter who long you wait for him

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Although in some cases infidelity is not caused by the marriage there are plenty of unhappy spouses that do eventually reach out, but regardless, in both cases, the infidelity reminds the spouse what they wish they had in the marriage. Brings needs to the forefront. Why waste to addressing "trust problems, infidelity bla bla bla" when the marriage could be saved and enriched by working to make it stronger?

 

You can't discredit someone's accounting of dissatisfaction in a marriage purely because they had an affair and think they must have rewritten history. Many people try as hard as they can, affair or not to exist within a marriage both before and after and find themselves unsatisfied for whatever reason. Sometimes it is not a problem that can be fixed or is fault of Either party.

 

Some people try talking and marriage counseling and still end up unsatisfied but love their partner enough to not want to burden them with their own needs.

 

I do find it concerning as a BS that for so long you are not taking responsibility at all for the role you could have played in your wife straying and how now you even still hold this over her head. IMO this is a perfect example of why not to tell, it gives one spouse the sword in the relationship forever and heals nothing.

 

I know your wife denies any dissatisfaction and had come to your aid in the past on this topic. But you do hold all the cards now that she is the big bad cheater, no? I am not trying to be mean, but it really seems you eternally have the upper hand now that she had been discovered and that discovery made you "hate her" in your own words.

 

Your wife cheated. She admitted it was wrong. Isn't it time to move on and forget and trust. Infidelity is such a strong word. It is a human need to be loved:

 

And btw, admitting to lusting over another man won't fix the lust. The lust will still be felt, but now more in private. She will admit it, have her husband angry at her while she still suffers and longs for her lost lover, no one wins,

 

 

 

 

Problems in marriages don't cause infidelity, if they did we would have 100% infidelity in all marriages.

 

Problems is within the unfaithful spouse. I was in the same marriage as my wife and I didn't cheat, your husband is in the same marriage as you and to the best of your knowledge he hasn't cheated.

 

As sunburned mentioned the unfaithful spouse will rewrite the history of the marriage to justify the A and make themselves feel better or less guilt for the betrayal.

 

OP you can't face the issue in your marriage without facing the A. Your A will cause you unknown damage as you attempt to fix what "HE" is doing wrong. Besides you can't commit to rebuilding as long as your thinking what if and lusting after another man.

Edited June 9, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[DKT3]

Although in some cases infidelity is not caused by the marriage there are plenty of unhappy spouses that do eventually reach out, but regardless, in both cases, the infidelity reminds the spouse what they wish they had in the marriage. Brings needs to the forefront. Why waste to addressing "trust problems, infidelity bla bla bla" when the marriage could be saved and enriched by working to make it stronger?

I don't believe that the marriage is ever the cause of cheating. I believe that its 100% within the spouse who cheated. In my case maybe my actions made the decision for her to cheat easier, it was her decision all the way. You can't deal with the issues unless you deal with ALL the issues. Seems that waywards are far too willing to deal with only what the spouse is doing or did wrong.

 

You can't discredit someone's accounting of dissatisfaction in a marriage purely because they had an affair and think they must have rewritten history. Many people try as hard as they can, affair or not to exist within a marriage both before and after and find themselves unsatisfied for whatever reason. Sometimes it is not a problem that can be fixed or is fault of Either party.

Dissatisfaction should be worked on, the answer is never turning your affection towards another. If the issues are too much, do the brave thing and end it. If you admit its too broken then why stay and cheat?

 

Some people try talking and marriage counseling and still end up unsatisfied but love their partner enough to not want to burden them with their own needs.

 

I do find it concerning as a BS that for so long you are not taking responsibility at all for the role you could have played in your wife straying and how now you even still hold this over her head. IMO this is a perfect example of why not to tell, it gives one spouse the sword in the relationship forever and heals nothing.

hold on, I didn't put his P in her V, I didn't invite him over and say have my wife. She did that on her on. I hold no responsibility for that. Maybe being a jacka55 made her choice easier, I would agree with that.

 

I hold nothing over her head, she is free to leave whenever she likes. When she was banging that dude and having all the bad thoughts about me deciding if she would stay or go all without me having a clue, where was the power? How much power did your husband have in the marriage when you said you would leave him for your OM, if OM was willing?

 

I know your wife denies any dissatisfaction and had come to your aid in the past on this topic. But you do hold all the cards now that she is the big bad cheater, no? I am not trying to be mean, but it really seems you eternally have the upper hand now that she had been discovered and that discovery made you "hate her" in your own words.

 

Your wife cheated. She admitted it was wrong. Isn't it time to move on and forget and trust. Infidelity is such a strong word. It is a human need to be loved:

 

And btw, admitting to lusting over another man won't fix the lust. The lust will still be felt, but now more in private. She will admit it, have her husband angry at her while she still suffers and longs for her lost lover, no one wins,

No, she never admitted that she wasn't unhappy, to me. I haven't read all her posts here so if she did its news to me. What she told me was she held a magnifier over those issues and made them much bigger then they were.

 

The power in a relationship is held by the one who cares the least about it ending. Maybe in that sense I do, I will admit she wants us more then I want us. That doesn't mean I don't. I love this woman, and I have for a long time. Even when divorced I thought about being with her all the time, what I, we, could have done to make it work. But yeah she wants it more.

 

Oh yeah let's just forget that she spent almost two years running around with a man, having sex, telling and sharing things with him she never told or shared with me. Putting at risk our kids future happiness all so she could have a couple hours of feel good powder blown in her face.

 

I didn't divorce my wife because she cheated. I always thought it was a deal breaker, I stayed 14 months, the first six I tried. She didn't, she lied, continued to communicate with that guy, and gas lighted the hell out of me. Enough was enough. I divorced her because she continued to display wayward thinking.

 

Telling me the truth about the A was finally a step toward showing me the respect I deserved as her husband, even through I had filed for divorce by that point. Not telling me during only proved that she didn't trust or believe in me or our marriage. Each of her actions during those days put another brick on the wall between us. At some point I could no longer see her. I walked away.

Edited June 9, 2014 by DKT3
removed real name

[Darren Steez]

Bad advice. There is no way anyone can tell you whether or not you should throw your 22 year marriage in the toilet permanently without getting MC and trying everything first.

 

Oh how I understand loneliness. It poisons the soul. It makes us desperately seek our solace.

 

 

Perhaps you can save your marriage? Maybe you Can't, but before you toss it out, make a real effort to fix it. As long as you are having an affair your husband will always pale in comparison. You will always have another man to compare him to (even a loser like the one you are seeing)

 

Unlike some others on here, I do not suggest you tell your hubby expect in the case of STD. Which is very likely since this guy is sleeping with another women as well as you. Can you imagine giving Your innocent hubby a std? That would just be so terrible. Perhaps that will be motivation enough. Who knows who this OW is sleeping with? But if you believe you are std free and have used protection, I would try to fix the problems within the marriage before "confessing" your infidelity. Your marriage would likely instantly die on the vine (since men tend to never forgive this) AND you will waste a ton of valuable counseling time that could be spent fixing the marriage instead of losing time spending years the repairing trust, to me that is a huge waste of time and doesn't get to the core of anything.

 

Dump the MM and focus on your marriage.

 

No it's actually good advice. Or she could tell the husband about the affair. Either one is good IMO. Unburden the soul, tell the truth..all that jazz...

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

No it's actually good advice. Or she could tell the husband about the affair. Either one is good IMO. Unburden the soul, tell the truth..all that jazz...

 

My assumption is that anyone married for 22 years is not a spring chicken, nor is her husband. The concern over something insignificant like Infidelity pales in comparison to onslaught of passing time in someone's life after a "certain age" the effect aging has on the body, the loss of parents, blows in financial situations, new diseases and abundance of loss that happens each year until you are dead and finally if you live long enough...nursing home.

 

Do you seriously think that facing all of this alone all in the name of "being morally just" is worth it? someone who already has a best friend and partner by their side should potentially throw it out all in favor of "honesty"? The simple fact is that I think that people are too nearsighted to look at the big picture.

 

Good luck finding a new man later in life, sure it can happen, but the likelyhood is less. Fine if she is 20 or exceptionally wealthy or beautiful, then she can abandon her marriage and play the field, but my thought is that a Lot of the good ones are occupied in marriages currently.

 

She likely knows this and that is why she is so scared to leave.

 

But the expectation that women (or anyone for that matter) can be completely satisfied sexually, emotionally with the man she chose (possibly while young and naive) is just unrealistic IMO.

 

Women's need for sex is extremely strong, in fact I have seen some sexual studies that imply it may be even stronger. The women's need to be admire and lusted after is a real need. To feel invisible which many women feel after a while, sometimes feels like death. That is why when people or the men in their lives start to not appreciate their women and choose to sit in front of the TV or get too comfy their women start to feel lonely.

 

Besides focusing on infidelity is really just nonsense IMO. It is just someone feeling a strong, uncontrollable need, knowing it is the "wrong" thing to do, and does it anyway. That is all it is. Partnership, friendship etc... That is another issue. A much more important one IMO

[Beautiful River]

He brings her around you, knowing full well it will hurt you but he doesn't CARE...what matters to him is his wants and needs. He is feeding you all kinds of BS and you are believing him. He owes her? So cheating on her with you is how he shows his appreciation for whatever he feels she owes him?

 

So his GF isn't up to your standards of girlfriend material for him?

 

 

 

So his wife is a "wicked witch"? They obviously made an arrangement about her working. You probably weren't privy to that conversation. I also don't buy the whole "he had to marry her cause she got pregnant". You make it sound like she was the cause of the pregnancy, when I know without a doubt, she didn't get pregnant on her own.

 

So he has a wife, a GF (OW) and you, the OOW.

 

Busy guy. The NC will NOT "kill you". You have survived prior to him, you have survived being 3rd choice, you will survive and provably thrive once you are away from this jerk face. He has 3 women wanting him and he isn't denying any if them! Hopefully, you have used protection because I would be the has t used it faithfully.

 

You do know that the wife and GF/OW are not your enemies. I'd bet the wife has no knowledge if you it his primary OW. I'd bet the primary OW has no knowledge of you and I bet she thinks he is this-close to being divorced. You know about both if the other women, and it is obvious from your posts that neither of them are worthy of having his heart.

 

Ending a marriage doesn't take 12 years. Even a vengeful wife can't keep it going that long. There is a lot more to his story than you know. And even tho he has been with you for x amount of months/years, he has chosen to date & stay with another woman. I know he tells you it's cause he "owes" her or whatever other crap he is feeding you, but again, ending a relationship is easy. He could have ended it with her so many times, but he hasn't.

 

And then there's you - always available, alway ready to stroke his ego, to fulfill his fantasies, to do whatever is necessary to "keep him".

 

Yes, it is easy to end an affair...I'm sure you don't want to do it, but that doesn't make it any less easy.

 

You do it by deciding you will not be #3 on his list of women. You do it by regaining your self respect and realize you have made him your priority when he has made you his option.

 

Stop letting him manipulate you. There is no future with him...no matter who long you wait for him

I agree with your advice. I am trying the NC and the last few days have been just awful. I do want to add that he has been separated from his wife for over 12 years. They have a horrible relationship...much fighting still over the kids/money. He does not live in the same household. i went into this relationship knowing about this "girl that visits occasionally" He definitely misled me about her.

I realize that he is a liar, a user, etc If he would just get mad and treat me badly when we are together, maybe that would do the trick. Hes just so sweet, nice, mannerly, when we are together. Its only when he leaves and I find out he's been with this gf who he says he is "not ready to give up" He says he is "trying to sort out his feelings". How can I argue with that while i am married myself?? Its just an awful situation and one that I need to get away from. I am very unhappy at home but unhappy in this relaltionship as well. One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will NEVER repeat this mistake.

[Beautiful River]

I agree with your advice. I am trying the NC and the last few days have been just awful. I do want to add that he has been separated from his wife for over 12 years. They have a horrible relationship...much fighting still over the kids/money. He does not live in the same household. i went into this relationship knowing about this "girl that visits occasionally" He definitely misled me about her.

I realize that he is a liar, a user, etc If he would just get mad and treat me badly when we are together, maybe that would do the trick. Hes just so sweet, nice, mannerly, when we are together. Its only when he leaves and I find out he's been with this gf who he says he is "not ready to give up" He says he is "trying to sort out his feelings". How can I argue with that while i am married myself?? Its just an awful situation and one that I need to get away from. I am very unhappy at home but unhappy in this relaltionship as well. One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will NEVER repeat this mistake.

I think he must think the gf is a sure thing while I am married and he wants to make sure that he ends up with one of us. However, I am not willing to break up my kids home for someone who won't choose me. I know my husband is a victim here and I am to blame. However, if you knew our story, you would understand why I have been so lonely for years. He is someone who is NEVER home and NEVER there for me in times of need. Even when my mother was dying from cancer, he refused to come the night she died because there was the "big game" on tv that night. He's not totally innocent. I"m not trying to justify my behavior..I know I was wrong.... but there were reasons that led to my downfall.