Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

[opheliaapplegate]

Do not date people that you work with or your neighbors, or in your crew of friends. This is about as bright as washing your face with a brilo pad. _

 

LOVE THAT !!!!!!! Don't i know it!!!! not the smartest decision i ever made!!! thanks for the input..:-)

[patwheel]

Future Note:

 

Do not date people that you work with or your neighbors, or in your crew of friends. This is about as bright as washing your face with a brilo pad.

 

Keep this phrase in mind "do not sh*t where you eat or sleep"

 

No Foolin

 

Best advice ever. Crossed it, got burned, learned and will not put my hand on the fire again!

[No Foolin]

Chin up kids, Happy Holidays:cool:

 

No Foolin

[LawGirl]

In the early part of this year, I dated a co-worker. Despite my knowing that it wasn't the best idea in the world. I'm 47 - you would have thought I knew better!

 

We hung out for a bit. Slept together once. I fell for him big-time. He didn't return my feelings. Going to work sucked. Big source of anxiety.

 

It finally eased when he left to work somewhere else. Likely if that hadn't happened, I would have went to work elsewhere. It took a long time to 'get over' him.

 

Now we are "friends". I still see him around from time to time. In this city of nearly a million people we still run into each other.

 

When we meet, we always say "nice to see you". "Looking good". Hugs hello or good-bye.

 

It's VERY tough. But it does get better. Promise.

[J dub]

*bump*

[Greg25]

In my own experience, trying to contact ex's or maintain a close friendship was not a good idea, since I wound up either being used by the ex as I was in the relationship, or else the issues which resulted from the break-up haunted the friendship and ultimately destroyed it. On the other hand, some people seem to be able to keep very good friendships with their ex's, so it depends.

[l13578920001]

great post, just amazing, just wanted to say I would never be friends with someone that dumped me, any body that wanted to upgrade me does not deserve my friendship. For way to long I have always blamed myself for my break ups, I realized one day that I am a good guy, the girls in my life do not deserve me

 

 

I truly understand the talk about all you need is yourself. She initiated the no contact but it honestly has helped me. I realized that I need to be strong for myself. I cannot let my current situation get the better of me. I must learn from it and move on. I guess for the first time in my life I need to be happy with myself. I do not need to seek validation of my life. I do not need a girl friend to prove that I am worth something. I am a good guy. I know I usually lose, but I will never let a girl change who I am. That is when they win. At my heart I realize that being a mean usually gets you more girls, I do not know why. That is not me, if I have to get my heart broken a hundred more times, it is worth it. I am a good guy. I owe it to myself to change

 

I have been horrible to my family for the last few days and I feel so bad about it. I will not let it go on any longer. They are good people and they do not deserve this. I did not deserve this. I realize this. I am going to move on.

 

I am good person and I am worth something, I am the only person who needs to know this. I do not need some girl in my life to find it. Sorry I am rambling, I guess I wrote this to get it off my chest. I just want to let people know it is true. The only way you can move on from a break up is to be ok with yourself. The break up is never one persons fault unless they cheated. Realize that it cannot be all your fault since if she really wanted to you, she would work with you to make it feel better

[Jadey]

This thread is amazing! NF you are effing brilliant!! I have been contacting the ex after he text me, but i am left so confused it's not worth it. I feel like i am at square one. I feel so bloomin annoyed with myself because i was waiting for the day that he contacted me so i could ignore him, like he did me before, and i had that chance but what did i do? Text him back Well not nomore. You are amazing.

 

Luv Jade xxxxx

[l13578920001]

yeah definetly she just texted me because one of her friends told her I was going out with other girls again. I called her, and it is just weird. However, I do feel better since I realized something, we had a good relationship and she needed to go see if the grass is greener on the other side, screw that I am getting back on the horse

[No Foolin]

Of course its weird.... you guys aren't an item anymore..........Don't know why you are called her back. check this out no contact what so ever = less drama

 

I'm telling you brother, the more you jump into this "any kind of contact game" is going to equal more time being screwed up. Kind of like using the toilet in the dark (something gets messed up:cool: ).

 

Big ups on realizing that investment in something with little pay off is unintelligent. Think of the cell phone minutes you used up. She's not around anymore.........Good........More air for you to breathe.

 

No Foolin

[S\oar Eyes]

NF, it is so late but I just finished reading some of your guide and you struck a nerve.

I share a toddler with my ex-bf, all of what you suggest is o.k if you don't have to see your ex. His sister calls me her sister, close to his mother, , have had sex off and on with him, he doesnt invite me to his bday/ nyrs eve, but invites me to other family things. Gives me money, my car died and I'm driving his second truck. All of this is tearing me apart. Its been 3 yrs since he broke up with me, 8 months after she was born. We were best friends, lovers for 7 years before I got pregnant. We only were commiting to each other a few months before I got pregant. Thats when my hormones went crazy and he couldn't take it any more. Those hormones are back to normal. He has replied that he loves me several times. But he just won't let me in his private world anymore. He is quick to leave right after sex until about a month ago.

 

At his moms party last wkend, he wouldn't spend 2 minutes alone with me.

 

I want to move on. I have tried everything, the cold shoulder; the cordial thing; the 10 minute rule after droping my daughter off then 3 months later the cycle starts all over again. The real issue is I need his financial help at times and I get so lonely.

 

Help, this is killing me

[soar eyes]

oops, my username above says not registered. I think I hit enter too fast after email confirmation.

[LN8840K]

good thread and very helpful...thanks NF

[CaliGuy]

Bump for a great thread.

[CaliGuy]

NF, it is so late but I just finished reading some of your guide and you struck a nerve.

I share a toddler with my ex-bf, all of what you suggest is o.k if you don't have to see your ex. His sister calls me her sister, close to his mother, , have had sex off and on with him, he doesnt invite me to his bday/ nyrs eve, but invites me to other family things. Gives me money, my car died and I'm driving his second truck. All of this is tearing me apart. Its been 3 yrs since he broke up with me, 8 months after she was born. We were best friends, lovers for 7 years before I got pregnant. We only were commiting to each other a few months before I got pregant. Thats when my hormones went crazy and he couldn't take it any more. Those hormones are back to normal. He has replied that he loves me several times. But he just won't let me in his private world anymore. He is quick to leave right after sex until about a month ago.

 

At his moms party last wkend, he wouldn't spend 2 minutes alone with me.

 

I want to move on. I have tried everything, the cold shoulder; the cordial thing; the 10 minute rule after droping my daughter off then 3 months later the cycle starts all over again. The real issue is I need his financial help at times and I get so lonely.

 

Help, this is killing me

 

Unfortunately for those with kids, NC is not an option. No Foolin's guide is really directed at single people or those who do not share a child.

 

Your case is rough, I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do. But, other than issues that deal with your child I would try and limit contact. Is he paying child support to help you financially?

 

I feel for you.

[riobikini]

Time To Bump This Amazing Thread UPPP!!!!

 

-Rio

[soar eyes]

Cali guy,

Thanks for responding. No he doesn't pay child support. He pays the monthly montessori school note for her which is very expensive in the thousands. I pay health insurance. He buys her clothes and shoes. Since my first message on this thread, I realize I need to come to some neutral ground with him. I bought a new car and returned his car. He was so upset that I returned his truck that early and bought a new car without including him on the buying process. This is just an example of some of the mixed messages he sends me. I'm trying to keep contact between us at a minimal. Some people tell me that he has moved on and is not emotionally involved with me. What is the difference between being emotionally involved and caring for someones best interest?

[pfeif216]

NF this is for you....

 

Well first of all i want to tell u that im gay guy in his 20's(hope ur still willing to give some advice)...my ex was in his thirties and we broke up around last june, it was my first "real" relationship considering the others were women and he told me that he didnt have as intense feelings as he did in the beginning and he didnt want to have to do this months down the road....so this summer i was OK, then in late August i saw him out and he was drinkin and told me he loved me, missed me and thought he made a mistake so i was thinking ok he wants to give this another shot so we talked and he said he wanted to start seein me but we had to take it slow and be honest w/ each other but also wanted NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT AT THAT POINT....

 

so i said i couldnt hang out with him to see how he felt so we just stopped talking.....he texted me on xmas and nye..i replied on xmas....my friends see him out and i think he is dating someone else....i was A MESS the past couple of months...lost weight, thought about him constantly but i have to say i am a lot better now....today i was walking thru his part of the city and all the anxiety & nautiousness came back and im looking to move back to city and dont want to live in his neighborhood...i just hate that im changing my life b/c of someone else....oh yeah we only dated for 4 mos...but it was really intense, i know it sounds so short but it was real and intense

 

i dont know what im lookin for...just to move on and realize how amazing i am...i mean im always getting hit on by both men & women but this breakup was such a kill to my ego...I JUST WANT THIS TO BE OUT OF MY FREAKIN HEAD

[pfeif216]

if someone could give me some feedback from my last reply, id greatly appreciate it....THANKS

[grateful]

pfeif216

 

I'm not NF but I'll give it a go.

 

good job saying no to his "no emotional attachment" proposition. That would surely be harder to handle than No Contact because you would constantly want more than he could give.

 

The best advice I can give is that time is on your side. The first relationship is the harderst to get over. You are still young, both in age as well as relationship experience (if I read correctly this was your first relationship with a man). Remember that that will have heightened any feelings you had for him. You have transitioned in the relationship world in a way that us hets don't ever do - - so keep in mind that that will make all emotions stronger, crazier and more powerful because being in a relationship with him also made a powerful statement about who you are and what you know about yourself.

 

You said you don't know what you are looking for, but I'm guessing you have some idea. You came here to LS and you wrote out your feelings so you are on the road to feeling strong and getting him out of your head. Keep up the good work!

[riobikini]

pfeif216,

 

You have posted in nearly everyone's thread concerning your problem. P, everyone has answered your thread everywhere you have posted a question.

 

Maybe you are just trying to get different opinions, -but. if you continue to post everywhere, how are you going to keep up with all the threads you have posted in?

 

I also notice that it is a virtual copy-and-paste of the same original question, to which I gave your first reply back.

 

You only revisited that thread once to leave a less-than coherent response that seemed to relate to something else you had (obviously) posted or read somewhere else in the forum.

 

P, in trying to help you get centered in this board and establish your 'base', I am suggesting that you try to keep your main questions centered in your original threads, -it would make it simpler for people wanting to help you keep track of you.

 

People here are often truly sincere, and helpful, -but we need to know where to look you up in the forum.

 

-Rio

[sanne]

No Foolin's advice here is extremely helpful if you want to move on with your life.

the only way to truly rid yourself of an ex is to do NC. when your ex makes the decision that she no longer wants you in her life, there is nothing you can do about it. it is natural to feel hurt and rejected, and you sit there wondering how a person who onced loved you can discard you so easily.

 

by keeping contact with your ex you will only help deepen the divide that exists between you two. they will truly begin to see you as a nuisance in their life and will do everything they can to run away from you. the more you keep trying the worse it will get for you.

 

you can accept the situation for what it is. realize that your self-worth and importance are not defined by how one person feels about you. NC is then the only viable solution. you must live your life as if your ex does not exist.

[pfeif216]

Hey.....I just re-read this post...the only reason I cut & pasted it to a new topic was b/c I never got a response but thank you riobikini I really appreciate ALL of your advice, it really helped.....you know when u hear that one thing and it just clicks well it finally did....someone wrote that there are 2 types of relationships one where it never ends and u grow old with that person and the other that ends and u move on....i realized that this relationship is not one that I wanted to go on forever and it may sound simple but it really helped me look at things differently...ive also decided to rent the cheap, great apt near his...im honestly doin well and i want to THANK YOU ALL again....

[NewLee40]

It has been quite a while since I have posted on LS, but I decided to check in today and this was the only thread to which I had previously subscribed that continues to have activity.

 

Long story short, I came to LS after a painful breakup that occurred after nearly a year of on again/off again turmoil. We both had tons of baggage, and while our mutual brokenness brought us together like two broken plates that somehow fit, it also was a weak foundation and the glue we kept using to stay together kept giving way.

 

So, I discover LS and determine this time to go full NC and move on with my life once and for all. I dubbed him a narcissist and gathered all the data I needed to confirm my diagnosis. For four months, I wallowed in complete misery, white knuckling the carms of my chair to avoid calling him. Then in a weak moment, after Thanksgiving, sitting in a lonely hotel bar on a business trip, I drunk dialed him. Never a good idea, right?

 

Well, maybe..just maybe this time it was a good idea. I was in such a state, that I let every guard I had down and told him exactly how miserable I was. It was pathetic. Had he reacted negatively towards me, I probably would have been able to move on, but he didn't. Instead, he surprised me by being more empathetic, and supportive than I believed possible. Instead of being turned off by my pitiful state, he took me back into his arms and into his life and we now as rock solid as I could have possibly hoped.

 

It was quite rocky at first on my part, because my insecurity was profound. I was suspicious, needy, and on top of all that,deeply depressed. But, once I realized that I brought to our relationship a "victim" mentality and the expectation that I would be hurt, I also realized how he had risen (or descended) to the level of my expectations. In the intensity of my self examination, I realized that I too had been in his position in a prior relationship and my lover's insecurity drove me away and into behaviors that if you were to ask that person today, would be described in much the same way as I described my boyfriend's here on LS.

 

So, is contact NEVER a good idea? Well, I'm glad I did. I hesitate to say that here because I don't want to give others false hope and encourage them to do something as insane as drunk dialing someone who has no interest in continuing a relationship, or who would use them and throw them away again.

 

What I would encourage everyone to do is rigorous self examination. Not for the purposes of changing to bring the other back, but to improve your chances of success in future relationships, either reconstituted ones or brand new ones. Its been a long road back to the good place I am in now. And I'm feeling wonderful, happy, and loved, not because he changed, but because I did.

 

Good luck to you all.

[riobikini]

Dear NewLee40,

 

You are living proof of the number one, first and foremost, 'thing to do' during a break-up: self-evaluation and introspective digging to bring yourself up to date on who you are and what you are all about.

 

It's often the very thing that will change, not only your mind-set about you and your situation, -but also has the ability to change the way others view you.

 

No contact is supposed to help you accomplish that.

 

Then, if you need to make an in-person interview with the estranged partner, you have more self-clarity and new knowledge about the relationship to help you talk about it sensibly, and in a more honest, realistic sense.

 

No contact has the ability to both humble you in front of your weaknesses and shortcomings, as well as empower you to live with a never-before-experienced quality brought on by a life-changing mind's perspective.

 

It does not ensure that your relationship will continue, -only that you will, unburdened with false information about yourself , and with more certainty about how you will go on living your life, and loving in it.

 

No contact is like the quiet that happens after a rainstorm, -it cleanses and clarifies.

 

Good luck and congratulations on becoming successful proof of what the objective of 'no contact' really is all about!

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio