Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

[electric_sheep]

This is so true, but so dreadfully unromantic !

 

What happened to destiny ! Fate ! The stars !

 

I will bookmark this though.

[electric_sheep]

Just one more thing though ...

 

How about if the ex doesn't want you in their life "in that capacity" anymore ? Yet they still want friendship, or some other vague thing like that ? Do you advocate insisting on NC ?

[riobikini]

RE:

 

ElectricSheep: " How about if the ex doesn't want you in their life "in that capacity" anymore ? Yet they still want friendship, or some other vague thing like that ? Do you advocate insisting on NC ? "

 

Answer: If it's friendship you're after, then wait for the emotions to heal in both of you.

 

Waiting decreases the possibility of continuing to foster those feelings that, often, only one of you is going to have greater difficulty with.

 

If you give the necessary time for the emotions to be dealt with, it is possible they'll subside to a degree that not only allows the two of you to be in the same room together without feeling tense or experiencing emotional pain, but you may be able to continue in healthy, respectful friendship.

 

Note: It's not just the waiting that accomplishes this, it's the things you do during the break, -a process- that you go through that results in the possibility that you can continue in friendship.

 

According to the personal changes that take place in you spurred by the break, -as well as your ex-romantic partner, your chances increase for forming friendship later on.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Here's a link for related information from actual posts in this site:

 

 

Pro-Active Healing From A Break-Up

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=695430&postcount=1

 

 

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[aluvsupreme]

I’ve only posted here a couple of times, but I've been lurking here more than I care to admit.

 

Brief story, In October, ex-bf of one year said that it was over because I suffered from mood swings and pain from “female issues”. (I wasn’t evil or anything, I just preferred being alone so that I wouldn’t take it out on him.) He knew of my condition before we began dating (we were good friends first), and said that he understood and could deal with it.

 

After two months of NC and ignoring him at church where we both attend and teach, he contacted me and we tried communicating again by doing some of the things we did before (i.e. going to movies, going out to dinner, hanging out with mutual friends, and long phone conversations into the wee hours of the morning). But somehow we always avoided the reasons to why we broke up, and I kept holding on in hopes for a second chance.

 

That was until I stumbled across Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk. NF, I just wanted to say, “Thank you” for the generous and helpful guidance that you have provided! (And to the many of others that have contributed supportive comments to this thread as well.)

 

In December, I was rushed to the ER for emergency surgery addressing the “female issues”. When ex got wind of this news, he visited and called everyday for six weeks. A little skeptical, I stuck to your guidelines by being armed with mental and emotional ammo, and took him being caring and sensitive to my needs tactics lightly.

 

There now was a pink elephant in this newfound friendship that needed addressing, so two weeks ago I brought up the breakup and asked what he expected. A part of him wanted to try again, another wasn’t sure if he needed a break, while the other felt it was best for us to remain friends. He also mentioned that he missed me tremendously, loved me, wasn’t seeing or talking to anyone, and that he hadn’t moved on. But, he also felt that it was best to work on himself so that he doesn’t hurt me or drag me down in the meantime -- and that maybe we could try again in a couple months.

 

Forgive me if I sound harsh here, but I don't see myself as a desperate horse that he can put a tempting carrot in front of (string me along) in hopes that I’ll still be around forever. We’ve been a part for four months; I don't know how much more time did he needs? Unfortunately his answer wasn’t good enough for me! At that moment it was time to get off of that never-ending emotional roller coaster. With minor explanation, I regretfully told him that it was in my best interest, as well as his, that I distance myself from this “friendship” so that I could put things into perspective. He asked if and when it would be okay to call again, or if we could still go out sometime. As much as it hurt, due to the fact that I would still have to see him three to four times a week, I unwaveringly said no. Of course, after I hung up I threw myself across my bed and cried like I did on day one. However, the next day I knew I had done the right thing.

 

Before some of you bash me, I to some extent understand that his reaction and decisions were based on my “female issues”, but please understand that I was there for him through his bouts of intolerable issues and I never threw in the towel. I'm sure that there was probably more to it than he cared to admit, but at this point in time it's irrelevant. It doesn't matter anymore because I refuse to stay with or wait for anyone that causes me day-to-day bewilderment. That's not the way life is suppose to be. There are too many promised and positive areas of opportunity to be explored!

 

I no longer suffer from mood swings or pain, and feel 100% better and I’m turning my page into a new chapter. In order for me to live my life more abundantly, it was important that I forgive him, place no blame, grasp the lesson learned and move on. When I saw him at church on Sunday, I knidly said hello and walked away with my head high and a smile beaming on my face. Things went better than I thought they would. Whew-hew!!!

 

Reality tells me that the season’s change and the flowers fade, but the love, peace and happiness that I have within will never change. And I'm willing to share it with whomever will take it unconditionally. My heart will mend in due time and my true love is probably still in his under construction stages; but if he's what God has intended for me, it's worth the wait. And that’s all that matters.

 

No Foolin, again thank you and please continue to do what you do best! Your work here on this earth is not done.

[symbol]

Pro-Active Healing From A Break-Up

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=695430&postcount=1

 

Rio, I hadn't read this post till today. That is some awesome post. Thank you very much! It was much needed, especially today.

 

S.

[riobikini]

To Aluvsupreme, -Beautiful!

 

To Symbol, - you are so welcome!

 

And to you, both, -Thank you!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[MatchstickFear]

i completely agree, and at the moment i would like to severely injure my ex for doing this. granted, i would like to keep in contact with him .... but not now, not so soon after all the **** we went through. and no, i do not plan on getting back together with him, or being his "friend". stupid man!

[No Foolin]

Well met doll, NC at its finest and to the letter.

 

No Foolin

[whichwayisup]

Bump!!!!!!

[mablung]

wow, fabulous thread !

Thank you No Foolin, and to all others sharing their thoughts and ideas here. This is an incredible collection of good stuff...

And great job bumping it, it should _really_ be stickied...

 

I see the point and the value of NC. But, somehow, I am not convinced that independence is a goal in itself. I think I tend to agree more with NewMe and DeaconFrost in that relationships and intimacy is what we should be looking for, and that is the ground that will help us grow and become fulfilled.

 

Of course we can all survive outside relationships. Both physically, and emotionally. But, at least for most of us, that's what it would all be: mere survival. It is more satisfying, fulfilling, and enriching, to _build_ something, to _give_ and receive in exchange, freely on both sides...

 

And yes, I am having a hard time too dealing with certain words of affection, love, and so on, that have been spoken, but are in no way connected to the present. And it makes me wonder whether all relationships are indeed only temporary, if all our feelings are just ephemereal, and so on... I want to hope that it's not the case. That we _can_ actually build things to last, _especially_ when you put so much soul and life into them...

Because if it's all temporary, then what's the point in getting into a relationship at all ? It's all gonna end anyway...

 

I have always been a loner, before meeting my wife. And I strongly believed in one's independence. To a large extent, this is what ruined our marriage.

I don't feel/think that way anymore. I've spent the first 25 or so years of my life valuing my independence, my freedom and my liberties. And I got into a marriage thinking that I could somehow maintain them to some significant degree. I was dead wrong.

 

Like others said, love and commitment in a relationship means that you have to give away some of your freedom. But I think it's worth it, considering what you get in return, and seeing that your actions are reciprocated freely.

 

I was a great supporter of independence, and living alone - short-term relationships are fine, but nothing more serious than that.

I don't believe that anymore, even though it's very hard for me to admit that I was wrong feeling that way for so many years. But I think that only through a relationship can one become better in a certain way, and have certain good things brought up to the surface.

[riobikini]

mablung,

 

No man is an island.

 

Even choosing 'No Contact' as the only decision left that allows him survival beyond one relationship, does not mean that a man takes what is left of his heart and locks it away to never love again in another.

 

-Rio

[Guest]

Ok. My ex and I broke up almost three years ago. I am embarassed to admit that I still think about him a lot. IThe hardest part is I have no control over it. The most common time that I think about him is in my dreams. How do I control that. I have tried internet dating and that has not worked. What do I do? I know that we do not belong together or we would be. I just can not control the way my heart feels. I still think that he made big mistake and will one day see the light. I just wish that I could get him out of my head. I think that if I were to meet someone else maybe I could move on. How do I meet a good guy that is not talking to 20 other girls online? I need help. The crying and hurt has stopped. Why can't I just get him out of my head????

[dreamer1]

My ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. We have spoken maybe a handful of times since then. It was his decision for us to part after 5 years because he was no longer happy. I was not a willing participant. My heart was broken and in a way it still is. I have had trouble finding someone to date. I am a pretty girl with a good heart. I just want to move on. I have tried internet dating with no luck. Most of the guys I talked to were online while talking to me. I guess my biggest problem is I can not stop thinking about my ex. I dream about him at night and wonder about him during the day. What do I do to move on. I feel like I am pathetic because it has been so long. I don't cry over him anymore. I just think about him so much. I love him still but I am not in love with him. I am jealous because he said that he starting dating just a few months after I was gone and has been with the same girl since. It is almost like the five years we spent together were nothing. Someone with advice please help. I am willing to listen to anyone who can help. I need to move on mentally and I just don't know how.

[riobikini]

Guest.

 

My second husband died in 1989 -count the years- I have not stopped thinking about him, missing him, nor loving him, -but having him back is impossible.

 

Yet, I have deeply loved twice since then.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Note to Dreamer1 & Guest:

 

Begin your own exclusive threads by copying and pasting your story.

 

You may get more exclusive responses.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Guest]

Ok folks - how do I handle this? Me and my ex broke up 8 months ago. He dumped me because I wouldn't move in with him and marry him. We've both got teen boys who had major issues with each other and us getting married. Timing wasn't right - he was in too much of a rush and I felt pressured. He dumped me.

 

I think if he really loved me he would have been patient and understanding. Instead he wanted a Betty Crocker wife - I'm very independent, etc.

 

So 8 months later - out of the blue he calls me. I don't answer my home phone or cell (I've got caller ID and see it's him) - he doesn't leave a message. I saw him driving by my house late last night scoping me out but he never came and knocked on the door.

 

This guy tried destroying my self esteem and making me feel horrible because I wouldn't rush the relationship and marry him. So the jerk dumps me! He was selfish and narcisstic. I was brokenhearted but took the breakup as a sign it was the best thing for me and my son.

 

Now he's contacting me again? For what? A Saturday night booty call? How dare he call me late at night or drive by my house. That's a lack of respect I feel - I could be involved in another relationship yet he feels he can just start calling or show up????

 

What's the best way to handle this? Ignore him and hope he moves on? He ignored me for the last 8 months!

[CaliGuy]

Ok folks - how do I handle this? Me and my ex broke up 8 months ago. He dumped me because I wouldn't move in with him and marry him. We've both got teen boys who had major issues with each other and us getting married. Timing wasn't right - he was in too much of a rush and I felt pressured. He dumped me.

 

I think if he really loved me he would have been patient and understanding. Instead he wanted a Betty Crocker wife - I'm very independent, etc.

 

So 8 months later - out of the blue he calls me. I don't answer my home phone or cell (I've got caller ID and see it's him) - he doesn't leave a message. I saw him driving by my house late last night scoping me out but he never came and knocked on the door.

 

This guy tried destroying my self esteem and making me feel horrible because I wouldn't rush the relationship and marry him. So the jerk dumps me! He was selfish and narcisstic. I was brokenhearted but took the breakup as a sign it was the best thing for me and my son.

 

Now he's contacting me again? For what? A Saturday night booty call? How dare he call me late at night or drive by my house. That's a lack of respect I feel - I could be involved in another relationship yet he feels he can just start calling or show up????

 

What's the best way to handle this? Ignore him and hope he moves on? He ignored me for the last 8 months!

 

You sound like you are fine without him. If he'd dump you so easily without trying to work through the problem, imagine what he'd do if you REALLY needed him.

 

You can do better.

 

Ignore the b&stard

[riobikini]

CaliGuy: "Ignore the b&stard".

 

I 'Ditto' CaliGuy.

 

-Rio

[Guest]

you want to get back with your ex, and you think that both of you made a mistake and your ex wanted the same thing???communication is essential at this time

[riobikini]

Guest,

 

Strict No Contact is not about people who have been in a fairly healthy relationship who break, only later to realize they truly do love each other and have something worth working on and keeping.

 

It's for those who know that only one of you is in love and will remain in that state of imbalance no matter what you do, or that the relationship is abusive or unhealthy for one or both of you, -and that NC is the last remaining, sensible option offering emotional shelter and hope for recovery.

 

-Rio

[Raven1845]

Guest,

 

Strict No Contact is not about people who have been in a fairly healthy relationship who break, only later to realize they truly do love each other and have something worth working on and keeping.

 

It's for those who know that only one of you is in love and will remain in that state of imbalance no matter what you do, or that the relationship is abusive or unhealthy for one or both of you, -and that NC is the last remaining, sensible option offering emotional shelter and hope for recovery.

 

-Rio

 

Hi Rio

 

Being in an unhealthy, one-sided love relationship, I needed to see this today. Thanks for posting it. My ex had been in an accident, so I called to see if he was okay. He let a girl answer the phone. Not his "girlfriend" because he doesn't want a commitment, but one of his "bimbos" as he calls them. I was hurt beyond belief. Still sick from drinking and this happened on Tuesday night. (bad girl, I've decided to stop doing that). This girl that answered the phone is probably the same one he wanted me to answer the phone on when she called him while he was with me. Not doing good, but trying.

 

Wanted to say I love your new avitar. Great photo!

[riobikini]

Thank you, Raven, my daughter took the photo last July, more in the profile here.

 

Glad the post helped you.

 

I'm truly sorry you were, again, hurt by your very inconsiderate ex that way.

 

But, of course, you know that as much as it hurt you, it will also reinforce your resolve for going 'NC', now -right?

 

And stay off the liquor and be a good girl.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

P.S. NoFoolin', I apologize for writing in your thread, -you haven't complained- but I will try to curb the temptation.

 

-Rio

[helena abadi]

Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

 

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

 

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

 

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

 

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

 

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

 

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

 

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

 

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

 

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

 

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

 

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

 

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

 

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

 

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off

 

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

 

No Foolin

 

excellent. i have printed it out and will distribute to friends similarly affected.

[Guest]

First off, may I just say that the words and wisdoms passed through this thread have helped me many times over so I would like to say thank you to NF for starting this thread. I have read several break up books, that all suggest and give you about 20 supporting paragrahs as to why you do not contact your ex but it is nice to see it in action with real people.

 

I have been broken up from my ex boyfriend for around 4 months now. He was my first love, so I have been dealing with all the emotional hang ups associated with that. After about 3 months of still keeping in touch and hearing details about his life that I really did not care to know, I decided that we were never going to be together again and that I needed to move on with my life.

 

Then, after a little over 3 weeks of not talking, he contacted me told me he misses me and loves me. These were in text messages and voicemails because I did not answer his calls nor replied to his texts. It is so hard not to respond, however, I do not except to say things like "no more contact please" The main drive behind these cold words that I say to him?? He has a gf. What would drive him to contact me if he is with someone new, and mind you they just moved in together. I hate how he is still capable of messing with my head. Although I have come a long way it still hurts to hear these words from him, because he has a girlfriend.

 

I certainly do not want his crumbs that are leftover from what his new gf cannot provide him. Should I just totally disregard his words?

 

-Sprkle