Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

[whichwayisup]

This thread has helped so many. It should be pinned so it always is visible to those who need help with NC...And to understand why NC has to happen.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Sprkle/Guest: " I certainly do not want his crumbs that are leftover from what his new gf cannot provide him. Should I just totally disregard his words? "

 

Answer: "Yes".

 

And I'm proud of you, -stay strong.

 

Take Care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Guest]

Thanks for the encouragement I could use some right about now. Since I called off all contact with him yesterday again, I am now dealing with what I have requested. It was so easy to say "no more contact" and other cold phrases when he was on the other end of the line pouring his heart out to me.

 

But now the phone calls, voicemails, and text messages have stopped and it makes me second guess myself if I should contact him today. I know it is not within my best interest because if he really wanted to be with me, he would not be with her. Ugh, I thought I was over this. So frustrating.

[Poconobob]

Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

 

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

 

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

 

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

 

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

 

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

 

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

 

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

 

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

 

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

 

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

 

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

 

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

 

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

 

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off

 

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

 

No Foolin

 

 

 

BOY did I need that dose, the ex was down here in florida to see our son who lives with me. It was quite ackward at first then after being different, I lined my sights on self perservation/kill 'em with kindness, don't do anything stupid and backed the f off...

 

I MADE IT... YO[[EEEEE PPEEEEE

 

YIPPEEE

 

So thank you, I had to get back on track, I drove over to a place where a girl works who I met and asked her out....

 

Thanks

 

bob

[broken&bleeding]

I am so broken......... The last 8 years I have been trying and trying to show this man that I love him and he was all I would ever want. Although we were not married or even living together, I spent the night at his house 3-4 times a week and on weekends, however its now over i guess..... for about 2 weeks now.( who is right or wrong depends on who is telling the story) Anyway, every couple of years, I do or say something that sets him off, I never know what, because what he does is ignore me, I mean literally, no phone calls no mail, NO NOTHING! He wont return my phone calls, its as if he never even existed. Yes, I could go to his house and act like a crazy stalker biatch, but my pride will not let me do that, even if it did, I just dont have the courage. So, question is, This as you can imagine hurts like a MF and I know you are thinking I need to just move on and initiate NC. Cool, but he started the NC first, and I just dont know.......... why. It is very hard to bring closure when someone just disappears on you like that. Anyway, Im shaky, cant eat, cant sleep, cant concentrate, you all know the story. I want to move forward, I swear I do, this pain is toooo much. I know I asked for "No Foolin" but I would welcome anyones feedback. Thank you all so much!

[sexyLMC]

it helped me contacting my ex.. we was only on a break but it made me feel loads better.. but i generally like to know people are ok e.c.t.

now were totally best mates and im lookin after him at the moment whiles hes poorly..

so sometimes like the 1 in a 100000000000000000000000000000

its gd to contact ur ex.. but unless ur a weirdo like me and worry about people and dont really hold a break up against someone then dont contact ur ex.. it gives fauls hope and hurts loads

lisa x

[Guest]

I know I've read a lot here about no contact with an ex, but have you ever had to intitate NC for a friend of the opposite sex with whom the friendship wasn't working out?

 

This is something I need some more guidance on.

 

I have this guy I've known since Middle school. He tried to pursue a friendship with me through high school, but for whatever reason I just didn't want to have anything to do with him.

 

So we graduated highschool and moved on to college. I started talking to him and we met up and started hanging out and what not. But at first it was very difficult because we had different definitions of what a friendship should be. He wanted a completely casual friendship where I was used to being able to get to know some one on a personal level. Well come to find out he had this push and pull thing going on with me because he said he didn't want me to get attached and develop feelings because he said the attraction just wasn't there. I understood that but I was tired of feeling like he was a stranger every time we got together.

 

Well those first couple of years that set the tone for our friendship. He had the power so to speak. I was pretty miserable so I tried to end the friendship only to have him call me wanting to figure out a way to work on our friendship. So then I'd have doubts and we'd start talking again and then the next time we argued and said we couldn't be friends I would then be the one to break no contact and then the next time he'd be the one to intiate contact.

 

We've been in this cycle for nearly four years now. Last year, he found an online journal of mine where I wrote about the struggles I have had trying to understand him and figure out why we always end things only to come back to each other. He can be very stubborn and he would imply that the reason the friendship wasn't working was due to me, but there has been things that he has done to hurt me as well. Like making plans with me and showing up late or not calling me to cancel and things of that nature. But his biggest problem with me is that I didn't keep my mouth shut about what was going on in our friendship and he said he was being painted as a jerk to put it nicely.

 

None of my friends think our friendship is good for me but my family is different. They know we care for each other and they don't try to tell me what I should do about him. I know I care for him and I did over the course of time as his walls of resistance came down a little, developed feelings for him but I knew that if we couldn't really get the friendship right that there was no way that we could have a romantic relationship even if he had feelings for me too.

 

About 4 months ago, we ended things again because people that were close to me warned me that he had some issues and it wasn't all me. There were too many similarities with how he would sometimes treat me and this other person that warned me, so I got freaked out.

 

I went to him and told him this and he was appalled that I was buying into it and thought that I knew him better enough to know that he wouldn't play head games with me. But I said I was confused. It seemed that there were too many people against us and not for us. He then said that he did think this relationship with him was unhealthy for me, but never admitted to having any issues himself. So we ended the friendship.

 

Then I was struggling with things. I felt like I had betrayed him again by going and listening to other people when I promised him that I would make my own judgements of him. So I sent a couple emails apoligising and remembering the good times in the friendship and a final one for closure. After not getting any response. So then something really good happened to me and I wrote him about it and he wrote this really nice email talking about how I deserved this and how I was this really strong person and he knew that people would take notice of me. And to me that seemed like that was the real guy that I had come to know so it was a bit hard not to be moved by his words. He was so encouraging that I found myself sad that everything came down to that.

 

But in his next email he reminded me that we couldn't be friends anymore but that he still wanted to hear from me from time to time. It was then that I realized that I couldn't continue that way and that it had to be over and I had to have no contact.

 

What's the point of sharing personal details with someone who is not your friend anymore? All that would do is keep me hoping that he would eventually want to work things out. So for about 3 months I kept no contact strong.

 

Then I heard from his brother who wanted me to know that he was going to be out playing again with a new band since I had been a strong supporter of his music in the past. I knew that this guy would be there to support the brother but I was like I can handle it bc I hadn't analyzed what went wrong anymore and on most days I didn't even think of him. I was starting to feel happy with the progress I was making in my life and I thought I was ready. So I went and had a good time but we saw each other and didn't speak. There was a sadness there seeing him but it wasn't as bad as before so I knew I was making good progress.

 

Then this week a month after seeing him he calls me. I was too curious so I returned his call an hour and half later. I got the voicemail said I was just returning his call and bye. Then he calls me the next day and I pick up and he starts talking to me like nothing ever happened. He asked me a million questions and said three times or so that he just wanted to see how I was. This confused me of course, and now I am unsure what I should do next.

 

But the thing is we have done this cycle for years. One of us always caves so the friendship never really stays over. I am confused because I feel he does care yet something has to change. Plus should I just dismiss the same comments being made over and over about him and how he's not really looking out for what's best for me? I mean if it were one or two comments I could easily dismiss it however its several comments.

 

The other thing I debate with myself is that they have never met him and there must be some reason why we keep trying to work it out. I just can't imagine him having completely selfish reasons for getting back in contact with me, but maybe he's lonely. Maybe he doesn't really have has many real friends as he would like me to believe. Maybe he sees something in me that makes him not want to keep me out of his life.

 

Maybe we both need help. But I swear everytime I try to make a complete break from him something happens. Like one the most recent times, there was a death in the family, so I felt like I needed to reach out to him. He appreciated my gesture.

 

What do you guys think suggest? I mean this repeated cycle just kind of wears me down. I mean I don't understand why if we want the friendship why the solution always comes down to its not possible and then after time apart we reach out to each again. It's painful and I know I have to make a decision because this can not continue.

[Poconobob]

Oh sweet heart, I can feel your pain from the words. It is at least comforting to know his okay, huh... But what seems to be a nagging thought while reading it is that he truly wanted to be friends and your friendship is deeper with you than him. That you became co dependent on the worry about him part of a relationship and it bothered him that you cared lots about him and he was granted a friend but no more.

 

What you may have there is a Women are from Venus, Men from Mars senario where our feeling for one another as a relationship.... with men it is physical, while with women it is sometimes relationship, communication... That is my .02 cents but probably way off but I took a stab at it.

 

I don't know... I hope only for the best!

 

bob

[In Sync]

I know I've read a lot here about no contact with an ex, but have you ever had to intitate NC for a friend of the opposite sex with whom the friendship wasn't working out?

 

This is something I need some more guidance on....

 

Let me start by saying you don't have to be involved sexually in a relationship for it to be equally dsyfuntional or unhealthy...even relationships with friends and family can be perplexed and unhealthy, so your situation is just as important to deal with as anyone whose breaking uo with a bf.

Now from what you've written your relationship with this male friend is clearly

one that is uneven and borders on being totally toxic..no, I stand corrected IT IS TOXIC. You've described being in a four year mind control push pull with a person who has a narcissitic trait. There's so much information on the internet I would suggest you to do a search and read up on it. Narcissism. But in essence he's controlling your moods by how much he allows you in and then he pulls away. Of course this leaves you confused and it makes you wonder all the time where you stand with him. It also keeps the focus on him. And that's what Narcissst seek. Control especially on the one who become dependent on the relationship. And when you do make a decision to leave, that's when he turns around and manipulates and does something to draw you back to him. Has he ever apologized? Hmm, doubt it. Instead he wants you to feel like he is the victim, this is psychologically confusing to you because now you are doubting your own gut feelings...Trust your instincts. You know something is bad, this relationship is not healthy and I suspect its not making you feel confident so your self-esteem is beginning to crumble after 4 years of this...

Friendships are nurturing and supportive not manipultive.

[Guest]

Let me start by saying you don't have to be involved sexually in a relationship for it to be equally dsyfuntional or unhealthy...even relationships with friends and family can be perplexed and unhealthy, so your situation is just as important to deal with as anyone whose breaking uo with a bf.

Now from what you've written your relationship with this male friend is clearly

one that is uneven and borders on being totally toxic..no, I stand corrected IT IS TOXIC. You've described being in a four year mind control push pull with a person who has a narcissitic trait. There's so much information on the internet I would suggest you to do a search and read up on it. Narcissism. But in essence he's controlling your moods by how much he allows you in and then he pulls away. Of course this leaves you confused and it makes you wonder all the time where you stand with him. It also keeps the focus on him. And that's what Narcissst seek. Control especially on the one who become dependent on the relationship. And when you do make a decision to leave, that's when he turns around and manipulates and does something to draw you back to him. Has he ever apologized? Hmm, doubt it. Instead he wants you to feel like he is the victim, this is psychologically confusing to you because now you are doubting your own gut feelings...Trust your instincts. You know something is bad, this relationship is not healthy and I suspect its not making you feel confident so your self-esteem is beginning to crumble after 4 years of this...

Friendships are nurturing and supportive not manipultive.

 

Actually, during our no contact I did come here and started reading up on Narcissm and he did seem to fit the behavioral characteristics but I supposed I dismissed it bc it had been so long since we spoke. I thought surely this time it really is over and no contact would be maintained by him.

 

 

The thing is that I've said this everytime we stopped speaking. I always thought it would be over. But then I got that call and it he was just talking to me like nothing ever happened like we were just old friends catching up. It somewhat freaked me out, but this is something he always does. He never really apologizes though like you said bc he feels he never does anything wrong. He said our problems come from me having feelings for him and my inability he says to communicate with him.

 

But I have decided this. I am not going to contact him now, and I did pretty well talking to him tried to keep the convo brief but he did manage to pry a few details out of me about what was going on with my life. He seemed kind of happy to be talking to me but yet at the same time he seemed out of it. He also didn't realize I was at work. But I did manage to end the call first. It was a bit awkward bc I struggled with how to end the call. Should I say bye and be polite and thank him for the call when inside I was in knots with the fact that he actually called. After he himself said that us having a friendship is unhealthy.

 

He will probably try to contact me again. How soon I don't know but I hope by that time I will have made a decision and sticking with it.

[kaunis]

I think it is wise to try to figure out what went wrong in your past relationships and what you can learn from that. But I agree that those things are often over-analyzed by the dumpee.... I am no exception. However, I think that we create most of our misery ourselves. We push the repeat button in our head that tells us what has been happening and our anger, sadness, hate etc increases. Somehow we might think that the repetitions someday will create a new result, as many have said before in this forum. Well, we also know that never happens. Reacting in this way means that you are destroying your peace of mind, and you are doing it yourself!! One last talk with an ex can serve a purpose, if you feel that it is the best. I usually have to do that when I have problems realizing that my ex is not worth waiting for - it can be a way to make oneself realize that he is not the one you thought (well, to me it has always been like that). If the guy/girl refuses to see you or if it is impossible to meet for some other reason, the same thing happens as always: because it is YOU, and you alone, who can give yourself closure. For me that word means peace of mind, calmness, hope for a future and realizing that you are a good person no matter what your ex has done to you.

[kaunis]

I think it is wise to try to figure out what went wrong in your past relationships and what you can learn from that. But I agree that those things are often over-analyzed by the dumpee.... I am no exception. However, I think that we create most of our misery ourselves. We push the repeat button in our head that tells us what has been happening and our anger, sadness, hate etc increases. Somehow we might think that the repetitions someday will create a new result, as many have said before in this forum. Well, we also know that never happens. Reacting in this way means that you are destroying your peace of mind, and you are doing it yourself!! One last talk with an ex can serve a purpose, if you feel that it is the best. I usually have to do that when I have problems realizing that my ex is not worth waiting for - it can be a way to make oneself realize that he is not the one you thought (well, to me it has always been like that). If the guy/girl refuses to see you or if it is impossible to meet for some other reason, the same thing happens as always: because it is YOU, and you alone, who can give yourself closure. For me that word means peace of mind, calmness, hope for a future and realizing that you are a good person no matter what your ex has done to you.

[Guest]

No Foolin your post offers little to anyone serious about reclaiming a relationship...and yes it can be done and many have done it.You sink hopes before people can even get started,

 

If you believe you can't then you are right, if you believe however that you can then you also are right...why sink yourself before you even start?.

 

You advocate no contact and up too a point that is a good thing but it is not sensible is to go on with out contact for ever.(Might just as well go away and die).No contact may achieve a clean break i grant you but most are looking for a way forward to a reconciliation.

 

Nothing in nature is permanent including feelings.What feelings once existed can return. Love ebbs and flows..."No" does not mean never it often means "not right now".

 

The blunt truth as you see it probably hurts more people and stops them from trying....these people may have a chance with some compassionate and intelligent guidance.

 

The place to start is for those who have lost love to demonstrate the ability not to become embittered with their ex and to be able to function without them, to display true love for their ex in spite of what has happened and re-etablish goodwill and respect. When people (though not all) percieve that you love them regardless (without becoming a doormat)it becomes hard for their hearts to remain hardened against you. When people see that you love them from sense of "care and respect" and not need "clinging like a barnacle") then they can relax and drop their emotional guard.

 

People do sense when they are truly loved. they know that love given freely for their benefit (and not for the benefit of the giver who just wants them back like some kind of possession....thats when they will keeep their guard up) is love worth having.Is it easy to demonstrate this?...no it is'nt but it can work if one applies themselves dilligently and faithfully to the task(just make sure that you do indeed really love the other person before you start)...for people reading here and in need hope and guidence i would suggest you either get hold of the book "love tactics" or "the divorce remedy".

[In Sync]

No Foolin your post offers little to anyone serious about reclaiming a relationship...and yes it can be done and many have done it.You sink hopes before people can even get started,

 

If you believe you can't then you are right, if you believe however that you can then you also are right...why sink yourself before you even start?.

 

You advocate no contact and up too a point that is a good thing but it is not sensible is to go on with out contact for ever.(Might just as well go away and die).No contact may achieve a clean break i grant you but most are looking for a way forward to a reconciliation.

 

Nothing in nature is permanent including feelings.What feelings once existed can return. Love ebbs and flows..."No" does not mean never it often means "not right now".

 

The blunt truth as you see it probably hurts more people and stops them from trying....these people may have a chance with some compassionate and intelligent guidance.

 

The place to start is for those who have lost love to demonstrate the ability not to become embittered with their ex and to be able to function without them, to display true love for their ex in spite of what has happened and re-etablish goodwill and respect. When people (though not all) percieve that you love them regardless (without becoming a doormat)it becomes hard for their hearts to remain hardened against you. When people see that you love them from sense of "care and respect" and not need "clinging like a barnacle") then they can relax and drop their emotional guard.

 

People do sense when they are truly loved. they know that love given freely for their benefit (and not for the benefit of the giver who just wants them back like some kind of possession....thats when they will keeep their guard up) is love worth having.Is it easy to demonstrate this?...no it is'nt but it can work if one applies themselves dilligently and faithfully to the task(just make sure that you do indeed really love the other person before you start)...for people reading here and in need hope and guidence i would suggest you either get hold of the book "love tactics" or "the divorce remedy".

 

Uh what are you saying? I think the guide makes total sense. You have read this guide and find fault. But have you read all the endless threads of people who are literally banging their head against the wall, clinging to hope and keep getting their nuts kicked in (this applies to the girls too) and tearing themselves up because their EX's have clearly broken it off. It is astonishing to me how those who are against NC, or against this guide forget one aspect..if you think your way is working and yet you still write on the boards your frustrations about the ex and failed attempts at reconciliation...then keep doing as you've done. Keep being the hampster in the cage. But there are those of us who appreciate his guidance because it's REAL. It's hardcore.

Write a guide about how to recoup the ex who dumped you. List some pointers about how to get back with the ex. POST IT so no one will miss it. And let's see how effective it is.

[Guest]

No Foolin your post offers little to anyone serious about reclaiming a relationship...and yes it can be done and many have done it.You sink hopes before people can even get started,

 

If you believe you can't then you are right, if you believe however that you can then you also are right...why sink yourself before you even start?.

 

You advocate no contact and up too a point that is a good thing but it is not sensible is to go on with out contact for ever.(Might just as well go away and die).No contact may achieve a clean break i grant you but most are looking for a way forward to a reconciliation.

 

Nothing in nature is permanent including feelings.What feelings once existed can return. Love ebbs and flows..."No" does not mean never it often means "not right now".

 

The blunt truth as you see it probably hurts more people and stops them from trying....these people may have a chance with some compassionate and intelligent guidance.

 

The place to start is for those who have lost love to demonstrate the ability not to become embittered with their ex and to be able to function without them, to display true love for their ex in spite of what has happened and re-etablish goodwill and respect. When people (though not all) percieve that you love them regardless (without becoming a doormat)it becomes hard for their hearts to remain hardened against you. When people see that you love them from sense of "care and respect" and not need "clinging like a barnacle") then they can relax and drop their emotional guard.

 

People do sense when they are truly loved. they know that love given freely for their benefit (and not for the benefit of the giver who just wants them back like some kind of possession....thats when they will keeep their guard up) is love worth having.Is it easy to demonstrate this?...no it is'nt but it can work if one applies themselves dilligently and faithfully to the task(just make sure that you do indeed really love the other person before you start)...for people reading here and in need hope and guidence i would suggest you either get hold of the book "love tactics" or "the divorce remedy".

 

 

 

Hey...

 

That was both well written AND inspirational!

 

I lost love with my ex of 18 years and we've since become long distance buddies. Since the trip down here to visit our son, and I thoughtlessly loved her for being who she is and not because of the needy side she has even called me to say she'll stay with us next trip down, and "somehow" has me talked into buying the next ticket. AND she said she is planning at "some" point to move here to our state/city. Even called me a ole' pet name we had... purely accidental but due to my being respectful and not co-dependant!

 

ty

 

bob

[riobikini]

You did good, In Sync.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

You did good, In Sync.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

 

I'm tellin' you Rio, me reading that previous post criticizing this guide was like listening to someone being criticized for throwing a life preserver to a drowing man!

[riobikini]

I quite agree and "Ditto!" the sentiments, In Sync...-you're a gem!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[ReluctantRomeo]

Um, let's not turn this into a religious war. Some of our guest's points seemed good to me.

 

I think it's a case of different horses for different courses. No foolin's advice *is* rather drastic. Such measures may be appropriate for bitter or difficult endings, but I found Lost's moderate and thoughtful advice more applicable to me:

 

Lost guide to no contact v4

[riobikini]

Certainly not a religious war, RR, -I think the jest, here, at least, for me, is to keep the ideal standard of 'NC' clear and 'untainted'.

 

Those who find hope and *reason* in making room for a second chance should simply be posting in the 'Second Chances' forum...those who have reviewed it all from every angle and know it can't work due to some valid reason or another, are in the 'Coping' forum to muddle through it.

 

It was designed that way.

 

No offense, -and your point is well-taken.

 

-Rio

[Art_Critic]

Those who find hope and *reason* in making room for a second chance should simply be posting in the 'Second Chances' forum...those who have reviewed it all from every angle and know it can't work due to some valid reason or another, are in the 'Coping' forum to muddle through it.

 

It was designed that way.

 

 

Rio.. I'm not sure if I read your post wrong or not..

To me it seems to read that the coping section is ONLY for those that are using NC or no longer want contact with the ex .. Is that right ?

 

See.. I thought the coping section was for people going thru a breakup or relationship woes and need help coping with it..

NC or not...

 

I, like RR, believe the guests post belongs here and also think it made a valid point or two.. You and Insync don't believe that but have left no room for the guest to be right..

[In Sync]

Rio.. I'm not sure if I read your post wrong or not..

To me it seems to read that the coping section is ONLY for those that are using NC or no longer want contact with the ex .. Is that right ?

 

See.. I thought the coping section was for people going thru a breakup or relationship woes and need help coping with it..

NC or not...

 

I, like RR, believe the guests post belongs here and also think it made a valid point or two.. You and Insync don't believe that but have left no room for the guest to be right..

 

Whoa, did I write ANYWHERE for him not to post, in fact I believe I only citiqued his critique. Please don't distort my words to support your agreemnt or disagreemant. Now if Guest can critique No Foolin's post is it not democratic to point it out and express a counter view. I also believe if you read my reply I suggested Guest could write a post providing pointers on how to recoup an ex ...isn't that part of coping???? I think we are all adults, apologies all around if disagreements on a thread that is written perturbs you...or provokes.

[Art_Critic]

Whoa, did I write ANYWHERE for him not to post, in fact I believe I only citiqued his critique. Please don't distort my words to support your agreemnt or disagreemant. Now if Guest can critique No Foolin's post is it not democratic to point it out and express a counter view. I also believe if you read my reply I suggested Guest could write a post providing pointers on how to recoup an ex ...isn't that part of coping???? I think we are all adults, apologies all around if disagreements on a thread that is written perturbs you...or provokes.

 

Insync.. first off I was responding to RIO.. not you..

So I have not distorted any of your words..

 

Which by the way I have quoted here.. the post in question and just as I stated earlier you have left no room for the Guest to be right..

 

if you think your way is working and yet you still write on the boards your frustrations about the ex and failed attempts at reconciliation...then keep doing as you've done. Keep being the hampster in the cage. But there are those of us who appreciate his guidance because it's REAL. It's hardcore.

Write a guide about how to recoup the ex who dumped you. List some pointers about how to get back with the ex. POST IT so no one will miss it. And let's see how effective it is.

 

I was mearly trying to stick up for a post that I feel had some merit and got tromped on

[In Sync]

Insync.. first off I was responding to RIO.. not you..

So I have not distorted any of your words..

 

Which by the way I have quoted here.. the post in question and just as I stated earlier you have left no room for the Guest to be right..

 

 

 

I was mearly trying to stick up for a post that I feel had some merit and got tromped on

 

 

Feel free to stick up for any post you felt got tromped on? Geez, my words were that scathing? Hmmm, and I felt just as passionate about the Guide being if I may borrow your wording here 'being tromped on', so there's room for all views, afterall no?

P.S. My bad for saying that you implied that I meant for Guest not to post here.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Certainly not a religious war, RR, -I think the jest, here, at least, for me, is to keep the ideal standard of 'NC' clear and 'untainted'.

 

That's a fair point, Rio. I think that NC is a subject where clarity gets lost rather easily. If only because of the emotions surrounding a breakup.

 

The religious reference is because - although I like the principle of NC and I like clarity of ideas - I don't see NC as an absolute, God-given rule for life and practice, to be defended against heretics at all cost.

 

Sometimes second chances really do work. And unless the ex has been a complete @$$, there usually comes a day when you want to be on good terms with them again.

 

For most dumpees, I'd recommend a couple of months of no contact. Or however long is necessary to get their heads together. Then drop the rule and get on with the rest of their life. If possible, at peace and on speaking terms with their ex.