Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

[riobikini]

Art_Critic,

 

Thank you for your post, and, "no", -I certainly did not mean for my own post to sound as if I believed it was written in stone that only certain ones could post in a particular forum.

 

Anyone can post wherever they like...still, I loosely depend on the description heading each forum...it kind of tells me what's in there, and what to expect.

 

Art, sometimes, shorter posts lack in all they could say to clarify the viewpoint of the poster, and therefore, can be easily misinterpreted or misunderstood. Perhaps, this was true of my previous post.

 

I apologize if my post sounded rude to you -or anyone.

 

My point was that, in general, alot of posters do seem to rely on particular forums for support and understanding of their particular circumstances, the stage of the problem or concern they have, and the decisions they have made on their own -or were, somehow, forced to make.

 

For example, -I go into a hardware store to buy hardware, -not an ice cream sundae, -so I don't necessarily expect it, nor become surprised when they don't have twenty flavors on the other side of the counter available to me.

 

It's great to be offered different opinions and different ways of looking at things, and I certainly am all for the unexpected idea that just might work in solving a problem, -but I am also aware of the fact many 'guest' posters, not being familiar yet with the site, often post their opinions/posts/threads in the least appropriate forums in regards to the idea they are initiating response for/to.

 

Some may not have taken the time to fully grasp the jest of the thread, or they may have simply responded to the most recent post(s), or taken something from the middle -entirely or partially- out of context and replied to what they comprehended from it.

 

Maybe they knew where they were, completely understood, and posted anyway.

 

So be it.

 

A post in a seemingly 'inappropriate' place may simply be just what was needed, once in a while, -and I am certainly not saying 'misplaced' posts have marked bearing on the poster's intelligence or comprehension skills, -posters here, have been remarkably insightful, intelligent, supportive -and very caring.

 

Art, I personally view the internet as being the closest thing we have to the last remaining free speech in the world, -of course, anyone can post here.

 

But I still remain strong on my original point in regards to the sections intended purpose: Coping seems, to me, for those who are muddling through post-relationship issues....and Second Chances are still, at least to me, clearly defined by the basic words, all by themselves: a 'second chance' at rebuilding or rekindling the relationship.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Re:

 

RR: " Sometimes second chances really do work. "

 

Yes, -sometimes, they do, indeed.

 

RR: " And unless the ex has been a complete @$$, there usually comes a day when you want to be on good terms with them again."

 

Your statement has made my point: That's one of the reasons 'NC' is being defended, here.

 

And by the way, -absolutely no offense taken, nor given, -from anyone.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[No Foolin]

Just when I think I’m out, it pulls me back in, LOL.

 

I don’t think I ever advocated for anyone to get back with an ex. That’s not what I do.

Mr/Ms. Guest, thanks for the post, all are welcome here.

 

Now down to business. Some of you who don’t know me via the boards or PMs, might need an introduction. My name is No Foolin, I deal in reality, clarity and quite simply, personal freedom. If you are into kid gloves, the soft touch and pie in the sky mindsets……..Yer not going to like me, LOL. There are some very kind, thoughtful people on the board who have some excellent ideas please feel free to take their advice. However, when you’re ready to face all that is ugly and real, accept it and build yourself up again, give me a ring.

 

Yeah my approach is pretty final. See the thing is, when its over its over. Every gesture you make to solidify something that is gone, is waste of your time. Time you could use to live your life. I am always amazed at people that hold out, waste days/months/years; only to be left with some sh*ty photo album and an invitation to their ex’s wedding.

 

See my concern is for you, not them. This is why this guide is floating around. It’s a playbook to get you through the nights/days/ or whatever. See what I advise is “dealing with yourself”, it only takes you and some courage and of course time. It appears what you’re looking for is how to get back. Hell, that involves, guessing the intentions of this other person, a lot of self dishonesty, sh*tload of pain, no sleep, delusions, erratic behavior, etc-etc-etc.

 

Have I ever known someone to get back with their ex? yep. I know people who have won the lottery as well.

 

Oh and one more thing, there is no bitterness on my planet, I’ve been livin this way for a long while and its all wash/rinse/repeat…..take it easy kids.

 

No Foolin

[CaliGuy]

Good post, NF. In my guide to second chances, I am adamant that the dumpee let go and move on as if their ex is never coming back.

 

The reason for that is so they can get their life together, make themselves #1 and get healthy the quickest way possible.

 

So even if a second chance comes along they will be strong enough and wise enough to say NO if it's not the right thing to do.

 

Cheers mate!

 

PS: I've never met someone that won the lottery.

[Chinook]

If you're really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off

 

What happens if you had cancer and you're afraid of being alone when the Grim Reaper calls and that ex said they'd be right there with you to hold your hand..?

 

Sorry, but I don't believe there is a "guide" to no contact.

 

There is one rule. NO CONTACT.

 

You get through it any which way. Until it feels better. Until it does. You keep that rule. It's that simple.

[riobikini]

Chinook,

 

There is a 'guide', Chinook, -and it it took many posters to help build it, though only one person actually started the original thread.

 

The 'guide' posted by NoFoolin has been a great resource to many who have just arrived to the 'Coping' board in a great deal of serious pain and who realize that 'NC' is the only hope they have to heal.

 

It is the true tale of how NoFoolin came out on the 'better' end (not 'bitter') during and after his breakup.

 

He decided to share that information.

 

Others in similar situations read the thread and began a series of posts.

 

The rest is history.

 

It is one of the most viewed threads here on LS.

 

Most everyone refers to it as 'the guide' not just because NoFoolin entitled it so, but because it offers so much knowledge about the realization and resolve to 'save yourself' in particularly 'go-nowhere' , perhaps, seriously unhealthy, painful relationships.

 

You do have the core information correct, though: it's all about the "no" in "No Contact".

 

Many will be astonished at your statement in your post, which I interpreted to vaguely (and surprisingly, given your own recent situation) detract from the 'guide's' value, -yet, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

 

I personally support the info in the original post in this thread.

 

 

-Rio

[Big_A]

I totally agree Rio. I showed up on this site last week while looking for something... anything to help. Reading the guide gave me a direction, it gave structure to the coping/healing. Instead of sitting around thinking should I call or should I answer the text message and torturing myself I have a good idea of what to do. Ignore it. It doesn't make the pain go away but having some direction is very helpful.

[ReluctantRomeo]

The 'guide' posted by NoFoolin has been a great resource to many who have just arrived to the 'Coping' board in a great deal of serious pain and who realize that 'NC' is the only hope they have to heal.

 

Yup. For those who are not already doing it, no contact takes more than a "just do it". Advice on distractions and the mental game are helpful.

 

 

Most everyone refers to it as 'the guide'

 

This is news to me - I picked up that you and a couple of others venerated it but didn't notice that everyone did. I like it, but have a clear preference for Lost's thoughtful guide. And the cynical would say that NoFoolin just adapted Lost's guide to no contact (which came first) and tweaked it in the direction of bitter

 

Just call me irreligious on this

[Chinook]

Rio - thanks for the PM and response. In fairness, I didn't actually attack the guide or what was in it. What I meant by saying there isn't a 'guide' is that losing someone is an individual journey and whilst you are on that journey - any guide you like can be looked at and can help for a while but it doesn't help when you're feeling crappy.

 

I've been through alot of loss in my time. Too much. But one thing for sure is that every loss has the same bare bones about it... you pretty much have to get through it any which way. No contact is like that. For me writing a guide... yes it's useful, yes it helps some people and yes, it is likely to stop some people from responding to that text that just came in... or that email which they so want to respond to.

 

But... what about those people who can't..? What about those people who simply can't live up to it...? A guide can also make those people feel less than perfect, less than ideal, inadequate.

 

When I had cancer I read Lance Armstrong's book "It's not about the bike" (amongst other books) because EVERYONE I knew recommended it and said how powerful it was and said how wonderful it was that he'd come through it. His PMA made it a whole different journey for him. It was a wonderful positive book which I should read because it would give me inspiration and hope.

 

I read that book in the midst of treatment. When I finished it, I put it down convinced that I would die because I didn't have what it took to maintain a PMA ALL THE TIME. I was convinced that I, a mere mortal would die because I didn't FEEL positive all the time. I didn't WANT to look forward and hope. I didn't WANT to be where I was.

 

In some ways, the no contact guide is the same. Some people will not be able to maintain 'no contact' or follow the guide. Right now, I can't do very much with myself because I can't concentrate. I am feeling the loss of my partner but I'm hanging in there maintaining the one single rule. No contact. It's that simple for me and unfortunately, though the guide IS useful... it will still only be this 'no contact' simplicity which is useful to others too.

 

I wasn't attacking it. I simply stated that when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter what you do... the only way to avoid more hurt is to travel your own journey and get through it. Somehow. The only one sure way of doing that is by maintaining no contact... whichever way that goes. You're no less of a person for NOT sticking to a guide.

[riobikini]

RR...I toned my statement with 'most'.

 

Also, I do not (as yet...maybe later, with the turn of things here) see 'Lost's guide on the board...and previous to my arriving to the board 5 months ago, I have neither seen it since.

 

However, I have seen this particular thread regularly, and continue to believe it is 'tapped' by others for a specific reason.

 

Perhaps, it helps people.

 

This is not a popularity contest, -it's all about good, tough, solid, (usable) information.

 

It doesn't matter to me who it came from.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Chinook,

 

You are right,-it's not that simple.

 

The concept of 'No Contact' has the *sound* of basic simplicity, -but make no mistake- it is one of the most difficult things many people find themselves having to make an effort to do.

 

It is not easy to walk away from someone you once cared deeply for (or, in some strange, almost impossible way, still do).

 

And it is not with such a casual attitude that you even take up the idea of 'No Contact'.

 

I think the jest is that, here is a standard (or goal by example) that has more stringent expectations to reach and maintain in it's primary focus.

 

Not everyone will reach the goal, right away, (healing is a process) but *they'll have reached for it*, -and that's important. I believe that just reaching for it, is actually the immediate focus. You gain more ground as you hang on.

 

You're level of acheivement is up to you. It's what you're capable of in the moment, -or in the stage of recovery you are in, whether you've just realized it's the only way to start healing, and/or you've already tried everything else.

 

I agree that the entire concept of 'No Contact' itself, taken literally, doesn't leave much room for the human emotions during a breakup to find an excuse to break it -and that experiencing failures with it, simply because you are struggling with unpredictable emotions, is expected.

 

But there are, in fact, no failures in a greater sense, if you stick with the original concept *mentally* and continue to muster the effort.

 

Most will experience some level of success with it in time, if they stick with it.

 

With some, a few 'dry runs' with it will probably occur.

 

The whole task may seem impossible at first; the thinking there is: "Who can shut the door that hard and fast on someone they love?"

 

But after a few more wallows in the mud-slops of breakup aftermath, or a few more tire treads across your face by the 'loved' one, or as the thread describes, a couple more spikes in the nuts, they might just decide that 'No Contact' is worth the time, effort, pain, and trouble...just one more time. This time, with emphasis and more determination than ever.

 

That attitude, caused by a dawning of realization, is like the difference between night and day, moving on and staying mired...it usually gets you 'there', -in a place that leaves no doubt what you have to do to stop hurting and heal.

 

The decision to adopt the mentality of 'No Contact' and the efforts to implement it does not promise you a smooth road back to your 'old happy self' right away, (it actually has the ability to transform you into a more compassionate, relationship-savvy, and more confident person) but it sure is going to beat continuing to split open the wound on a daily basis and pour salt in it by remaining in contact.

 

And if you've been treated like a piece of meat in a dogfight, a doormat at a convention center, or punching bag, and have been forced to adopt it after trying everything else you can think of to save the relationship (and it didn't work) -or need to heal up from the aftermath of an excruciating, unhealthy breakup, you're going to realize it offers some things, in the long run, that your ex could never offer you: self-respect, and peace of mind.

 

Hope this helps.

 

-Rio

[Chinook]

Rio - yeah that makes entirely a world of sense to me. I think that's why I find it easier to go down the road of simplicity and literally to 'funk it out' as my friends say. I'm on that up/down rollercoaster etc - but I find that holding the NC beacon in front of me is the only thing that is likely to get me through. This surprises me really, your post just made me think hard... maybe I'm further along the road than I thought I was.

 

[In Sync]

just refreshing.

[alphamale]

just refreshing.

ahh, the guide to end all guides

[Love Hurts]

Excellent Post!.....................that's a keeper...............

[timidity99]

I think no contact is a bunch of garbage unless the dumper asked you to leave them alone. NC has not been beneficial for me in terms of healing. It makes me feel worse actually if I voluntarily do it. It's hard enough as it is applying NC at the dumper's request but it's even harder to voluntarily subject myself to strict NC.

 

I think everybody has their own way of healing from a break up. NC is not the method for me. If the dumper doesn't mind me contacting her and I want to call her I will call her if that's going to make me feel better.

[sick of it]

but does it really make you feel better? its like a an alcoholic having a drink after being sober...it eases the urge but doesnt fix the problem. NC doesnt work if you just stop communicating and thats all. if you still long to speak, it doesnt work. NC is a 2 part process: cut them out of your life, dont contact them....and reflect on yourself. why arent you happy? why cant you not talk to someone.

if NC doesnt work for you, and romantically, youre over that person, then fine, keep talking. but if youre stuck in one spot while continuing contact and cant figure out why, take a step back and put it together.

NC hurts. it forces you to face realities you may not want to face. thats no crime. but it takes will power. it takes strength. you must reflect on yourself and make this pain about you. not them.

[Diver012]

Im trying to stick to this line of though. I feel so messed up right now. Half of me wants to walk away proud, the other half wants to run and tell my ex how much I love her and how I want to marry her.. Im feel so screwed up

[willy wonka]

NC is a tool. It is a tool to help you stop hoping. If you have made the decision that you would like to move on and the pain isn't worth it anymore, then you are ready to implement methods to help you heal.

 

However, no one can make that initial decision for you. That is the first and biggest step. You have to decide that YOU want to really move forward.

 

It is much like an alcoholic or drug addict trying to get help. They have to be the ones to realize they want help because the cons of continuing the addiction are no longer worth it anymore. No amount of persuasion from other people will help them stop unless they have taken that first step themselves.

 

It is really hope that keeps you from moving forward. You hope that you can go back to the happy times without having to experience the bad times as well. However, life does not work that way.

 

In order to truly move on, you have to let go of hope, shut the door, and let the past be only in the past. You'll always have the good memories, but they should not be part of the present.

 

Letting go of hope means that even if the person came back after another relationship, you realize that you can never go back to the way it was. It will be a 'new' relationship at that point because people do change through the years.

 

Many people start dating others and feel they have moved on just because they are dating. But moving on entails getting your emotions in order and in your heart, truly letting go.

[timidity99]

but does it really make you feel better? its like a an alcoholic having a drink after being sober...it eases the urge but doesnt fix the problem. NC doesnt work if you just stop communicating and thats all. if you still long to speak, it doesnt work. NC is a 2 part process: cut them out of your life, dont contact them....and reflect on yourself. why arent you happy? why cant you not talk to someone.

if NC doesnt work for you, and romantically, youre over that person, then fine, keep talking. but if youre stuck in one spot while continuing contact and cant figure out why, take a step back and put it together.

NC hurts. it forces you to face realities you may not want to face. thats no crime. but it takes will power. it takes strength. you must reflect on yourself and make this pain about you. not them.

 

I actually miss the friendship that I had with my ex more than the romance and sex. That's why it's so hard to not contact her. I would still like to be friends but I'm leaving the ball in her court. She broke up with me because I turned down her marriage proposal. The only reason I'm doing NC is out of respect for her when she requested that I don't call her.

[Diver012]

Ok im feeling a little better now... God I this...

[BrandonBP]

I actually miss the friendship that I had with my ex more than the romance and sex.

You said it, brother. I miss those long wonderful talks we had out on the back patio cooking out and drinking beer. We were interested in the same things and loved to share our thoughts with one another.

 

God, I sure miss that wonderful wonderful woman.

[Poconobob]

You said it, brother. I miss those long wonderful talks we had out on the back patio cooking out and drinking beer. We were interested in the same things and loved to share our thoughts with one another.

 

God, I sure miss that wonderful wonderful woman.

 

You both said it... Say, have you ever told the ex that?

 

I miss the identical things, identical. (ya as I sit here alone on the computer)..

 

bob

[Sinistervixen]

Thank you...all of that was what i needed right now. It helped me thank you

[stronggirl]

Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

 

 

hahaha, too funny. I should have thought about this when my 34 year old boyfriend told me that he hadn't been in any relationship for longer than 6 months (maybe just one for just under a year) and that he regretted not having tried harder/thought that ha might have ended things prematurely.

 

<-------------dumb to think i was any different.