Diver012 Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 I dont even want to know what my Ex is saying about me. She points out the flaws in every relationship she has even been in..... Link to post Share on other sites
stronggirl Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Thats like staying in a movie theater after the movie is over, trying to figure out why it ended. bwahahahhaa! what a great comparison! Link to post Share on other sites
stronggirl Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Think for a second: If I have a stick of gum and I happen to leave it on a desk or something. Some dude rolls up, unwraps the gum and starts to chew this gum. I'm upset because dude is chewing my gum; however, I'm not going to sit around and lament over said gum and I definitely am not going to go and pry it out of dudes mouth so I can chew on it. Why, because 1) thats freaking gross 2) the flavor is gone 3) I'll go buy some more. Similar, your girl with another guy, yes you're upset, but now you have the chance to do what you want to do. Your girl is chewed gum now, get it off your shoe. No Foolin Bwahahaha! another hilarious analogy. No Foolin, you are my hero. Laughter is great medicine...... Link to post Share on other sites
stronggirl Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Future Note: Do not date people that you work with or your neighbors, or in your crew of friends. This is about as bright as washing your face with a brilo pad. Keep this phrase in mind "do not sh*t where you eat or sleep" No Foolin OMG! I am dying over here! I think NF needs to come up with his own breakup analogy humor book, and put a smile on everyone's face! Link to post Share on other sites
Navigant330 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I was in an 11 year relationship that ended badly almost 2 years ago after we decided to cohabitate. Because there was a STRONG suspicion of indelity on his part, and some verbal cruelness, I was able to let the anger control my urge not to contact. There was 0 contact for the 1st 4 months. The 5th month he sent me a, "How are you e-mail" which I briefly responded to. Afterwards I deleted several other e-mails without reading, and I let him know. The last communication we've had was via e-mail last August. I was told by mutual friends that he had met someone new. I've tried e-mailing several times this year: once in January for his birthday, once in April , once in May and finally in June. The last e-mail stated that I wasn't trying to interfere in his life, I just wanted to say hello and hear how he was doing. I let him know that it was my final e-mail. Ever since I've been really blue, thrown back into day one, wondering how come he didn't respond, who's he with, etc.... I know it's stupid and I shouldn't care. But afterall it was 11 years of my life Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I was in an 11 year relationship that ended badly almost 2 years ago after we decided to cohabitate. Because there was a STRONG suspicion of indelity on his part, and some verbal cruelness, I was able to let the anger control my urge not to contact. There was 0 contact for the 1st 4 months. The 5th month he sent me a, "How are you e-mail" which I briefly responded to. Afterwards I deleted several other e-mails without reading, and I let him know. The last communication we've had was via e-mail last August. I was told by mutual friends that he had met someone new. I've tried e-mailing several times this year: once in January for his birthday, once in April , once in May and finally in June. The last e-mail stated that I wasn't trying to interfere in his life, I just wanted to say hello and hear how he was doing. I let him know that it was my final e-mail. Ever since I've been really blue, thrown back into day one, wondering how come he didn't respond, who's he with, etc.... I know it's stupid and I shouldn't care. But afterall it was 11 years of my life Exactly it is stupid...Sorry to be blunt or come off sounding harsh, but it won't be of benefit for anyone to give you a pity party. Yes it was 11 years of your life, but from your description it was not pleasurable. It ended. Life is rough but you are still alive. Are you suffering from any major illness? Are you walking? Are you fit? Do you have a job or home or friends? Of course he is not responding. He got a life and so should you! Personally I do think you were trying to interfere with his life. Maybe he's happy..and now you want to reopen what may have been an equally bad memory of a bad relationship. Relentless trying to contact him, is an indication you are still addicted and emotionally dependent. Seek help from a therapist and compassion from friends and loved ones. But first start by burying the past. It's over. I see it's your first post but sorry I won't bs you and give you false hope by telling you keep trying to contact him...I hope you can motivate yourself to let what is holding you back go. Link to post Share on other sites
Navigant330 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Appreciate you being blunt. Deep down, I know you're right. I usually do ok for several months and then BAM. This time it's taken me longer to rebound. I have a great job, great home, above average looking.... could lose about 10 pounds. I've started walking again and I have seen a therapist. Nothing seems to help The no reply to my e-mail should let me know that things areover and to get on with my life Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Appreciate you being blunt. Deep down, I know you're right. I usually do ok for several months and then BAM. This time it's taken me longer to rebound. I have a great job, great home, above average looking.... could lose about 10 pounds. I've started walking again and I have seen a therapist. Nothing seems to help The no reply to my e-mail should let me know that things areover and to get on with my life We all have good days and bad days...but you don't have to act on it. Meaning quit the contacting him. Because deep down you know it's over so you're only reinforcing and reminding yourself that he's rejecting you again. You got so comfortable with the pain of the bad relationship you had with him you keep repeating it again...Nothing seems to help because you tell yourself it doesn't help. Again you are reprogramming your mind to feel defeated. How do you reverse it. reprogram your mind to see that your fortunate to be able to start afresh. EVERYDAY WE GET A CHANCE TO MOVE AHEAD OR FEEL BAD. oops there I go again being abrassive! Link to post Share on other sites
Navigant330 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Not abrassive at all. This is what I need. When I'm rational, I wonder why I would want to subject myself to someone who obviously doesn't care and has moved on. And yes it does hurt, but I am still alive... A big thing is that I haven't forgiven myself for the part that I played in the breakup. I thought I had Definitely will not attempt to contact again. Thanks, you've been great Link to post Share on other sites
Sisty Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 NF....Bravo....your posts are not only inspiring but oh so true......really !!!.....I just happen to pop in here today and read your first post on this thread and I could not stop reading from there....has been very theraputic and gives me some great insight and points to ponder.....THANK YOU !!! Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 A big thing is that I haven't forgiven myself for the part that I played in the breakup. I thought I had Definitely will not attempt to contact again. Thanks, you've been great if I had a dime for every one of my moment I had for not forgiving myself...I could possibly part of Bill Gate's posse. We re sometimes harder on ourselves more than the situation deserves and from your description you were not the only person out of line. If the guy was a verbal abuser you are still feeling the after effects. I know because I am familiar with this type of person. That is also a double reaon not to contact the ex...exposure to an abuser is an invitation to get hurt again. they don't change no matter how much time has passed. If he does have someone new she's experiencing this side of him as well. So count your blessings...you finally got out of a bad thing! ps..your welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 While I found a lot of worth in the initial post re: NC, I, too, have some qualms with the notion that we don't need others to make us feel good/better/complete/whole/what-have-you. If that was true, then let's all find our own deserted island and live on it -- alone. Does "no (wo-)man is an island" mean nothing to you? If we didn't get into relationships, we wouldn't exist. That said, I agree that we can't control our lovers, we choose how we react to being dumped, etc. Although when it comes to "choosing" our feelings, I think there should be some leeway: wouldn't anyone agree that it's easier to "choose" to feel bad when you're being tortured than when you're being massaged, for example? Well, I don't mean to be contentious, but I feel like you're just putting forward more platitudes. We live in a culture that idealizes independence, but the truth is that we are all interdependent. Being in a relationship means mutual dependency, doesn't it? That's why people are (understandably) devastated when their spouses die. That sounds provocative, but what does it actually entail? Living perpetually in defensive mode, keeping the new mates at arm's lengths just so they can't hurt us? I want to bond and I am needy. I think everyone does and is. I don't see why it should be so shameful, why everyone is nodding to "don't be needy." Does no one here plan to love again? Link to post Share on other sites
loveinlife Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 Excellent post, has good answers for coping and breaking up. Good stuff everyone, thanx NF! Link to post Share on other sites
Navigant330 Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 I really need some help today. I've been feeling depressed for almost 2 months now. Breakup was 2 years ago. Up until 3 months ago , I thought it slightly possible that we could reconnect, but after several unanswered e-mails that I sent, I guess I finally realized that it was over and he has moved on. Lately, I've been doing stupid stuff, too much drinking, too many meaningless dates.... I've lost interest in almost everything. My house is a mess. I stay isolated in bed over the weekends. And now it's starting to affect my work. I saw a therapist and she tried to get me to think happy thoughts and bring out all my positive qualities. I still LOVE my ex. Most of the reasons for the breakup was my fault though he was not blameless. It hurts so much that someone who once loved you so much doesn't even act like you exist Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 Navigant330, it angered me to read what your *therapist* told you. Certain things you stated in your post causes me to wonder if greater problems exist. I am also focused on the possible treatment you *may* be receiving via *your choice* of professional. Navigant, *if the treatment isn't working well, at all, or seems too distracted from your problems* seek other or additional professional opinion. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 I really need some help today. I've been feeling depressed for almost 2 months now. Breakup was 2 years ago. Up until 3 months ago , I thought it slightly possible that we could reconnect, but after several unanswered e-mails that I sent, I guess I finally realized that it was over and he has moved on. Lately, I've been doing stupid stuff, too much drinking, too many meaningless dates.... I've lost interest in almost everything. My house is a mess. I stay isolated in bed over the weekends. And now it's starting to affect my work. I saw a therapist and she tried to get me to think happy thoughts and bring out all my positive qualities. I still LOVE my ex. Most of the reasons for the breakup was my fault though he was not blameless. It hurts so much that someone who once loved you so much doesn't even act like you exist I've read our earliers posts and replied to them...and it brings sadness to me that you are still in pain over this breakup...although I don't think the breakup is causing you pain but more of the refusal on your part to let it go. By letting it go, I mean aside from maintaining NC, you are still holding on to it in your mind, by blaming your self. Depression is anger turned against yourself and I suspect that you are taking all the forms of punishment against yourslef in the form of drinking, meaningless dates and doing stupid stuff. I think you aleady know that your therapist is not the right person for getting to the source of your pain but as you realize she is not helping you..IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO SEEK OUT A THERAPIST WHO IS PROFESSIONALLY CAPABLE OF GIVING YOU PROPER CARE! Do not settele for less. This is your mental health no one else's ..so please seek someone other than this one. Again the patten of self destructive is already happening.Look at your life as you have stated here...All for what? For a relationship that is over and not meant to be. It angers me that people take a stand against NC and then I read posts like your scenario. I maintain the notion that contacting the ex after the ex has moved on is anything but a setback. It's idiotic. Plain and simple. Yes you can overcome this, but you have been deliberately causing your undue emotional stress. Period. In your case it has done nothing but triggered you to reaction of a person banging theeir head against a brick wall. Good Luck and Take Care. Link to post Share on other sites
Tender_Touch Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Hi all I find it comforting to know that there are others who are going through the same confusion as me. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, just a month ago after breaking up on and off for not more than two days. Unfortunately, i reacted in all the wrong ways these past two years, and yet he still remained a part of my life. I could not understand why he did what he did, and therefore, my reactions to everything were appauling. All the things one shouldn't do to drive away someone...i did! Our relationship was a blend of agony and ecstacy! We havent contacted eachother for a month, he called me last a month ago, but i did not answer or return his call, the fact of him moving into uni halls n all those girls around him made me even more mad, i decided to finally cut total connection and last told him i was seeing someone else who really cares(which im not). He never expected me to give him up as i never could before...I miss him alot, and this break up has been a life changing event for me. I indeed understand alot more and am more balanced. Ive learnt things i never even knew existed! How could i contact him and make him want me again? I do not want a relationship, but just want him to want me and keep in touch. Strangely enough, every guy i know falls in love with me and yet the guy the guy i love and want to be chased by...doesnt give a damn! Ive never been through something as painful as this...please do suggest what i should do...im moving on with my life, but just want him to be a part of it in some way.... Thx everyone Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 How could i contact him and make him want me again? I do not want a relationship, but just want him to want me and keep in touch. You want him to "want" you, but you don't want a relationship. Isn't that a little selfish? You want him to "give in" to his "desires" for you, but you don't want to give anything back? Strangely enough, every guy i know falls in love with me and yet the guy the guy i love and want to be chased by...doesnt give a damn! Maybe he "doesn't give a damn" because you are chasing HIM, even if not physically, a guy can sense these things.........guys like a challenge. The one that OBVIOUSLY wants us we can put on hold as long as we like, we know you'll always be there, while we chase the "fantasy girl". Sorry to put it like that, but it's the truth. im moving on with my life, but just want him to be a part of it in some way.... Sometimes, to move on, we need to leave things behind..... a piece of advice that has been beaten into my OWN head a lot lately..... It's tough, but sometimes, you just HAVE to just move on alone...... I know it sounds like "tough love" that I'm dishing out, but it's just that.....LOVE. Welcome to LS. -tp Link to post Share on other sites
TenderTouch Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 We all make mistakes, n yeah i have made many with someone i love... Time apart has made me reflect...although he did alot to spite me, i think i could have avoided alot of pain to myself. I know that he will want to contact me at some point, but atleast from my part i want to make it up n show that ive changed, understood, am independent and do not need him to stay alive! I meant everything to him the last two years, i was his life and he was mine.... Maybe we can't have a relationship again, but atleast we can rekindle the love and passion we once shared...He needed space, and i never understood how to give it to him cos we used to stay together...finally i had no answers how to go about it all, so i just cut all contact... How do i make him see that i just want to love him without any strings attached n give us both our space and privacy..... Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 It has been so long since I posted here, no one knows me anymore I'm sure. Long story short, I had an off again/on again relationship with a guy I was in love with. I'd suffer through grief and pain every time he cheated on me or lied to me, and then he'd call out of the blue, asking for another chance, blah blah. He really wanted a "friends with benefits" relationship, but knew I would not go for it. So, he told me what I needed to hear to get the benefits. Anywho...I left this board when I took him back one more time and we had a pretty good run - until I found out he was back doing the online dating thing behind my back. We broke up, and he contacted me again as usual. I ignored the call, but it was so upsetting to me, I went on a bender and ended up drunk dialing him several days later. In the end of things, our last and final contact was him seeing me in a pitiful and degraded state, and I have to live with feeling humiliated before him forever. I don't know if he'll ever try to contact me again. Its been about 5 months, which is a world record for him. I'm better now, but I honestly don't know what I'd do if he called. NC is the only way I can think of to protect myself from this loser. As much as you want to believe it, if he comes back it doesn't mean he really loves you or is ready to settle down. I'm not saying it can't happen that way, but the odds are he's just horny or lonely. I gambled one to many times on this guy and it bankrupted my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Ssheena Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 Hi NewLee. I'm sorry that you are back to square one. Hopefully, you are done with this guy and if he does come back you can tell him to get lost and put yourself, your sanity and your heart first. NC is HARD. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found this board and read what others have posted. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No Foolin Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Wow....... LOL this thing is still here. Still applies huh? Works for me!!! No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
John-1968 Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 Been here for 3 month´s now, and i must say, nf, thank you for this thread. Doing NC for two week´s now,and i´m starting to do things i´ve wanted to do for a long time. FOR....-wait for it-.....ME!!!!!!!! I don´t want to be married to some who doesn´t truly love me! Thanx dude, "I have seen the light!!!!" Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy20013 Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Thanks for a great post NF. My ex-gf broke up with me almost 7 months ago and I made all the mistakes that people typically make after a breakup. Finally after two months I stumbled across LS and discovered the concept of NC. It worked great for me and helped me regain my lost self esteem. I still hurt but not as bad and given some more time, I will be completely over it. I wish I could find the post by DeaconFrost because he describes my ex to a T. She was an independent woman who couldn't understand why I couldn't accept her "oneness". By this she mean't that she could keep me at an arms length, be with me only when she wanted and control me because she was insecure. I think I hurt because I am all alone here and I miss not coming home to somebody. As bad as my ex treated me, I could always home come to her. Oh well I need to realize that its over and I will find somebody better. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 I wish I could find the post by DeaconFrost because he describes my ex to a T. She was an independent woman who couldn't understand why I couldn't accept her "oneness". By this she mean't that she could keep me at an arms length, be with me only when she wanted and control me because she was insecure. I think I hurt because I am all alone here and I miss not coming home to somebody. As bad as my ex treated me, I could always home come to her. Oh well I need to realize that its over and I will find somebody better. Thanks again. The above post also describes my ex to a T. He always said he didnt want to be "caged -in" yet professed to love me. I took this personally for so long, and began to doubt my self-worth. Finally, I realized his baggage has nothing to do with me. His fear of being caged-in/controlled is what is controlling him! His fear of losing control prevents him from experiencing so many things that one can only experience if they just let go...Everyone else in my life comments on how independent I am, he saw me as clingy. I can see that I fought to get him to let me in for 2.5 years and how that could be seen as clingy. Makes me so sad/mad to think if only, (I know, If only - sigh) he would have let me in how freeing that could have been and what a great relationship we would have had Thats what gets me...the "if only" Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts