Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

[jimmy20013]

The above post also describes my ex to a T. He always said he didnt want to be "caged -in" yet professed to love me. I took this personally for so long, and began to doubt my self-worth. Finally, I realized his baggage has nothing to do with me. His fear of being caged-in/controlled is what is controlling him! His fear of losing control prevents him from experiencing so many things that one can only experience if they just let go...Everyone else in my life comments on how independent I am, he saw me as clingy.

 

I can see that I fought to get him to let me in for 2.5 years and how that could be seen as clingy. Makes me so sad/mad to think if only, (I know, If only - sigh) he would have let me in how freeing that could have been and what a great relationship we would have had Thats what gets me...the "if only"

 

Boy our stories are so similar. By ex said I was clingy because I wanted her to let me in. I didn't want to be a lapdog and I gave her enough time to get rid of her insecurities. I also used to think that I am worthless but as you said it isn't our fault that our ex's were insecure and didn't have the strength to forego their past hurt and love like they have never been hurt.

 

I knew about all these things but I don't know why I stayed. I guess because I loved her and thought that maybe she will understand what she is doing wrong.

 

As bad as the breakup hurt, I learnt one important lesson. I learn't that I don't want to be a person who is afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of losing control and afraid of getting hurt. I vow that I am never going to be like my ex. I am not going to punish the next person that comes in my life because somebody hurt me. I am going to love like I have never been hurt. I really am.

[Guest]

Our situations do indeed seem like mirrors.

 

Post breakup, I have been in a whirlwind of emotion and thought, i.e. why did I put up with this behavior, why couldnt he just let me in, why do I seem to be settling...for this, why did I wait for him to breakup with me?

 

What I have come up with for myself is this:

 

I didnt love and respect myself enough. Simple, but it is ringing true for me. I think when you love yourself enough, you dont put up with this kind of behavior because you dont seek outside validation for your existence. When you are truly ok with who you are and accept yourself, warts and all, I think this is when you are open to meeting that someone who is in the same place as you, and all bs from your past relationship no longer leave that sticky residue because you begin to realize that all has happened to get you to this place.

 

I think people come into our lives for various reasons. Honestly, I think my ex came into my life to show me what kind of person I would end up with if I didnt love myself enough.

 

For me, I know it is important to be alone for a time. I need to figure out my life based on me, not someone else. What do I have to offer that is unique? It is interesting, I am taking a drawing class at school and we are doing portraits. I never realized how beautiful some of the people in my class were until I drew them. I began to appreciate the things that at first seemd akward, like a crooked nose, or a blemish. Suddenly, these things became a break from the normalcy of the rest of their perfect skin. They were the most unboring thing about the person. We are moving onto self portraits this week, and I can only hope to be able to look at myself in the same appreciative way.

[jimmy20013]

You seem like a very strong person and looks like you are coping well with this situation.

 

I know I need to be single for a while as well but not because I need some figuring out to do but because I have to stop being in love with the memories. All the plans we made, all the dreams we dreamed have been crushed and I need to realize that no matter how much I torture myself with "what if's", neither is she going to come back( I don't want her to either) nor those plans and dreams are going to get fulfilled. I need to make new plans, dream new dreams and set new goals and work towards fulfilling them.

 

I am working towards revamping my life right now. I am going to get a new job very soon and move to another state and leave my past where it belongs; In the past. My past has no place in my present and my future.

 

Right now I am lonely and I miss coming home to somebody but that's ok. The loneliness will go away with time.

 

Well may God bless you and hope he heals your heart.

[Kamille]

always good to be reminded why no contact is a good idea

[82knightrider]

What happens if you had cancer and you're afraid of being alone when the Grim Reaper calls and that ex said they'd be right there with you to hold your hand..?

 

 

 

tough luck,the ex wont make you feel better

[snowdiamond]

This is truly excellent advice! I couldn't have said it better myself.

[ultimon]

That was probably the best coping advice I've came across so far. I decided to register with this forum just to say thanks!

 

I recently went through a breakup with my gf of 2 years. She was my second long-term relationship. Even though I handled it much better than my first break-up, I was always tempted to message her after the breakup even when I told myself that if this girl were ever to dump me, I'd never see or talk to her ever again. And yeah, when you break that "no contact" rule, you'd find yourself back to day one again.

[EllieBear]

Where was this post when I first broke up with my bf!! This is prob the BEST post I have read on this board!! It made me put down my phone and back away slowly!

 

It has been 2 months since my break up and 2 months since I talked to the ex. I have texted a few times with nothing as well as calling and nothing! Like you said it set me back to the first day of the break up! I would rather not call and wonder what he is doing, then call, have him NOT answer and then me beat myself down for calling b/c he ended up ignoring me anyway so it was better to not call!

 

It's hard I will give it that...I just don't see why someone breaks up with you and then says lets be friends and then IGNORES you! When I should be the one ignoring HIS calls! I don't think I will ever get relationships.

 

I just want to know why he won't call me...I texted happy thanksgiving and got something and then again when I was drunk and he texted me the next morning saying he would have came and got me since I was to drunk to drive home. So it shows he cares, but for some reason he won't call! WHY???! Well I guess I know why, but can't get it through my mind.

 

Great thread and I'm glad I read it!

[Guest]

i am doing everything i possibly can to end a battle like this, but, i keep running up against the fact i continue to feel so bad.

 

i know that all i need is a letter or a voice message from her saying that she doesn't see me as some horrible monster and that she understands i did my best. is that asking to much?

 

i would never reply or contact her again. i know i will never get this and i have gone thru this for so long and i have almost lost everything - i have never hurt so much. i was on a hospital bed thinking i was dead and that's a place i can't be again. i know everyone says getting a call would make things worse - for me it would save a life. let me move on. just need forgiveness.

 

i would appreciate your advice.

 

gord

[CrossRhodes]

i know that all i need is a letter or a voice message from her saying that she doesn't see me as some horrible monster and that she understands i did my best. is that asking to much?

 

Gord: yes, too much. Believe me, I know how this feels from when I broke up with my childhood sweetheart many years ago. It's natural to feel this way, but the truth is that you need to forgive yourself. You are not a monster, you are a worthwhile human being who loved to the best of their ability. You did your best, and you took care of your love for the time that she was in your life. Sometimes things don't work out, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes two people bring the worst out in each other, and that doesn't make you a bad person either.

 

Forgive yourself. Read up about forgiveness, journal your thoughts, but find true forgiveness for your shortcomings. Once you do this, you will free yourself of this horrible burden and you will be in even better shape for your next relationship. Oh, and be prepared to forgive your ex too, because there's no doubt that at some point your sadness will turn to anger. If you don't forgive, this anger will almost certainly turn inwards and you will become depressed (if you aren't there already).

 

I'll finish by quoting another blogger's comments:

 

As long as you are denying yourself - and you are denying yourself if you cannot accept the choices and actions you took which contributed to the breakup - or denying the other person's need to do what is right for him/her, then you will never come to terms with a breakup in a healthy way.

 

And, actually, why do breakups have to be painful anyway? If we really "love" someone, shouldn't we be glad and and support their decision to do what feels right for him/her? The pain really comes from breaking your attachment or dependence on someone, from breaking the pattern of the lifestyle you had known, from letting go of the conditions you had placed on love, not from breaking the love.

 

Good luck, Gord. You will rise out of your pain and love again soon.

[Okeydokey]

I JUST LOVE THIS POST. It is witty and it is great great great advice. I have given it to many friends in the last year, who have in turn given it to their friends. Nofoolin you need to copyright this and sell it in a book... no fooling... lol.

[Love Hurts]

Great post…

 

The only thing I would change is: for the females……..

Females should enjoy a mans company but steer clear of the casual sex.

 

Even knowing up front its nothing just a release and a good time….

That’s only on paper… When people get together something happens……..and it could be another messy situation.

 

Enjoy the friends the company of a great date. The social time out and do without the casual sex.

 

Remember this is a mans world……….when it comes to casual sex………..He is still Mr. in the morning and you experience a name change.

 

Great Post………very exciting and upbeat.

[No Foolin]

Chin up kids!!!!! Merry Christmas

 

 

No Foolin

[john-1968]

to all of the newbie´s here,or the folk´s feelin´down at this time of year,

READ THE WORD´S OF WISDOM!!!!!

Have a great new year folk´s!!!!!

sorry, did i forget to mention..............BUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[In Liquid Wonder]

This post really cheered me up. Although I don't fully agree with hooking up, have people to be affectionate with without a relationship can be good to get your body reacclimated and your mind some space.

 

Props to you, man.

[Guest]

Dear All

 

I have been reading this thread with great interest! And would like some advice on my situation;

 

I dated this guy for 6 months before he dumped me to go back to his ex. They started going back out together but she dumped him after 4 months, now he's "single". He remains in touch with his ex and still good friends with her, he enjoys her company, gets upset over her etc. But she treats him badly. I on the other hand treat/ed him like gold, looked after him, never lied to him or cheated on him but he said he wouldn't try and win me back as he has hurt me too much.

 

I have tried for the past few months to remain his friend since we are both in the same workplace, but it's too hard, I am too hurt. I have started N.C. now as I have told him I need time to heal, I've told him that the "friendship" is over as I can't sit back and watch him be treated like rubbish when I care about him...........Am I doing the right thing?

 

Thanks

[Tackle]

These are words of wisdom! It really cheered me up, and I hope the advice will help me to finally get over my ex..

 

To guest,

I think you are doing the right thing! At this point any contact will probably just hurt the two of you.

[johnnytable]

Dear All

 

I have been reading this thread with great interest! And would like some advice on my situation;

 

I dated this guy for 6 months before he dumped me to go back to his ex. They started going back out together but she dumped him after 4 months, now he's "single". He remains in touch with his ex and still good friends with her, he enjoys her company, gets upset over her etc. But she treats him badly. I on the other hand treat/ed him like gold, looked after him, never lied to him or cheated on him but he said he wouldn't try and win me back as he has hurt me too much.

 

I have tried for the past few months to remain his friend since we are both in the same workplace, but it's too hard, I am too hurt. I have started N.C. now as I have told him I need time to heal, I've told him that the "friendship" is over as I can't sit back and watch him be treated like rubbish when I care about him...........Am I doing the right thing?

 

Thanks

 

Yes. You need to take care of yourself.

[Guest]

Ok I completely understand what you saying. A lot of it makes sense I have implemented much of it. But I have recently contacted my ex and found I was ok with it. It was hard but I had finally gotten my closure. Isn't keeping in contact with you ex now and then a sign of maturity and mental toughness. I mean if you keep cutting off from all your ex's also cutting you off from certain environments and people?

 

A friend of mine has kept in contact with all his ex's. He is not constantly talking to them but they contact each other now and then they have all accepted that things have moved on.

 

Please tell me if this is my naivety speaking here?

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: "...Please tell me if this is my naivety speaking here?"

 

Maybe just a little -but first -Congratulations in finding one of the longest-running threads on LS!

 

(Smile)

 

As for your question, I think it depends on whether you have actually *truly recovered* from the breakup and put *yourself* all back together again.

 

Recovering means you've healed from it, been changed by it, and have grown stronger, (perhaps, smarter?) -and at any rate, better because of having learned *plenty* through the experience.

 

The desired outcome of any chance meeting or contact is: believing they'll have no appeal before you do it -and then knowing they have no appeal afterwards.

 

Key to pulling that off: time and distance, my friend, *time* and *distance*.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[johnnytable]

I have an example which may shed some light.

 

A buddy of mine was in love with a girl about 4 years ago and they dated. It was long distance but they still saw each other often. Then they sort of split up, but kept in contact with each other. They would see each other every year or so after breaking up.

 

He just saw her recently. She has a long term boyfriend. I could tell that he was bothered by the situation though. Saying things like, "if I put in the effort I know that I could have her" and "now she appears to have her stuff together and be dating material." "She is the only girl I have been in love with."

 

This is after many years. He has not fully moved on and she probably hasn't either. Is it painful? I'm not sure. Is it helpful? I doubt it. It would be different if he was not thinking this way... if he didn't want to be with her... but that is not the case.

 

Right now my opinion is that even if you are "over" somebody, it is too risky to start up contact with them again.

[notmakingsense]

A lot of times I think that if someone you were with touched you really deeply, it is possible that they will always have a significant effect on you. Your heart will always pump faster when you see them -- no matter how much time, distance, healing, and new relationships happen in the mean-time.

 

But... I dont know for sure. It will be a long time before I risk contact on purpose.

[No Foolin]

:eek:Bump, only because it was suggested and the same questions are asked time and time again.

 

Big ups kids

 

 

No Foolin

[CaliGuy]

:eek:Bump, only because it was suggested and the same questions are asked time and time again.

 

Big ups kids

 

 

No Foolin

 

NF!!!!!

 

Good to see you make a cameo. Hope all is well bro!

[No Foolin]

Caliguy!!!!!!!!!! oh I've been out o the area for a spell; but I'll be rearin my head on the regular for the next couple of months. hope things are going well for you.

 

No Foolin