Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

[sportynut38]

I did the "tried to talk to him" thing ... he even took me out on my birthday. It was nice, it was great, whatevers.

 

This weekend wowsers if the world didn't blow up and land in my lap. His daughter calls on Thursday, wants me to help clean his house since he has been out of country for 30 some days. Wants to be all sweet and nice. Wrestled with myself on that one, but ok ... I say ok (cause heck I love the guy right?)

 

His ex~wife calls me early Friday am. Only ever had one other one on one conversation before and she is asking me if I am really going to help daughter, how I am bigger person than she is because wow, didn't you know he is getting married? Oh and PS the reason daughter wants/needs to clean house? She had a house party of over 300 kids and there is all kinds of evidience laying around said home, from three weeks before! Not only had cops shown up, but had been called to disban party four times, and once cause the neighbors mailbox was plowed down

 

So I go, and let me tell you that his house was destroyed. I only spend a bit of time helping cause I have to go back to work, but wow. I am still laughing that after three weeks she had done nothing, and instead of taking trash (four bags) to the can, and setting on curb? Nah, we stick them in little brothers' room and then whine because we have no where to put them so he won't see 'em.

 

His toliet got busted (ok so had to fix that, they used it and couldn't flush), his dishwasher is busted but filled with crusty moldy plates, every cup he has was filled with crystals of various colors from the drinks, four buckets of cleaning water to clean floor and mud tracked through out the entire home. And his pride and joy, the down blanket? Laying in a heap on the floor of his bedroom while his bed looks as if 40 kids used it as a trampoline. :) Not to mention the blender they used that looked like it exploded over the all and counter, floor, you name it. Was a really pretty pink from what I could tell.

 

Now mind you, I am still in the "oh this is just some mistake and when he gets back he will set the record straight and want me back" frame of mind. There are several other things I could say about what was said between daughter and I, like her wanting me to fill up the tank of gas because she is empty but has to give said car back to him, how I am asked to buy some groceries, blah blah. I didn't do either of those, gave her three bucks for gas and that was all, and a computer tower that was restored, but that was promised long before any of this other crap.

 

His ex calls me again, Saturday, the day of his return, to ask how bad the house was (she couldn't go in because he has restraining order against her) and thanks me for looking out for her kid. That she is pregnant but not by him. And I said something to the effect that I wished I knew when he met this lady he is marrying so I can see if he cheated on me (I have come to face the fact I was used to cheat on her ... I understand that it wasn't my fault persay but still leaves a mark on one) and sure, he was set up on a blind date a week BEFORE he broke up with me. He had never said one word to me about him feeling something was missing or he was wanting to date others (last to know).

 

And still I am not mad. Hurt, confused, broken hearted, all whatevers but not mad. At least not til about 1:30 am this morning/last night. And then I get pissed. I don't think I have ever been so angry in all my life.

 

I had a journal I had written in everyday, talked about what I went through, how I felt, all kinds of things. Funny memories, whatevers went into that book. So about the time I get pissed I decide that hey, this guy deserves to understand what he has done to someone else ... not by wanting to marry someone else but by cheating, lying and just being an SOB. So I drive to his house, leave it on the front seat of his car, and then come home and call his voicemail. Say that I deserved to be told the truth from the beginning, how I think it is lovely that he is wanting to marry someone that he has clearly already cheated on, that I didn't appreciate being used that way, and that I wished him many years of great luck, he was going to need it And there was my final gift on the seat of his car, he may want to read at least the last pages so he can see what shape he leaves another in when he lies.

 

The anger is gone. I find the whole situation funny and to be out of some soap opera now, and if I could go back and change the past ... I would go back to the day he said goodbye and shake his hand and say thank you . I would have never contacted him again if he had said he was dating someone else, but he couldn't be truthful to me ... let alone to himself.

 

His ex called me today, to see if I was ok. I said yep, she says that he has kicked his daughter out of his house (she will live with her mom full time now), that about a year ago he cut off all communication with the oldest who lives 20 minutes away at college, and that he is drinking quite heavily. I told her it was probably the best thing he could do for either of those two children at this time and she ought to get prepared to have the other three at any time. He is on full destruct mode and I just pray he doesn't hurt anyone when he goes down in flames.

 

Sometimes when they let you go, and you don't know why? Let them go. Don't seek any answers, don't contact them, don't make yourself look like an idiot. It is best to let the past be the past and move on. No matter how much you love them.

[prayformydownfall]

Originally posted by sportynut38

Don't seek any answers, don't contact them, don't make yourself look like an idiot. It is best to let the past be the past and move on. No matter how much you love them.

 

the best piece of advice for anyone. i think too many ppl use nc as a way of gettin someone back, its not, u have to move on and get on with ur life, its a chance to focus on urself and wen u do, ull see what the ex has lost and everything uv gained!!

[prayformydownfall]

Originally posted by No Foolin

I can tell you I got off lucky and I really feel bad for the dude who commits where I bailed.

 

preach!!!!

 

thats exactly how i feel and wen u get there its the best feeling in the world!!

[darhma]

Great thread

[whichwayisup]

IT is an excellent thread! Glad it's been brought to life again. SO many have been inspired by No Foolin'. Speaking of which...WHERE did ya go NF?

[sanne]

Wow, this thread has really stopped me from making some major mistakes. My breakup with my ex was definitely a mutual thing, I mean I was more unhappy with her than she was with me. She just had enough sense to pull out before it got too bad. When things were good they were amazing, we both have this connection that we have never had with anyone else. We can't go one week without talking to each other, longest we have ever gone was 2 days.

 

First major mistake I made was hooking up with a girl immediately after our breakup. I told my ex about it, and told her how she meant nothing to me and that I only wanted her, and well I just don't think things will ever be the same. She just contacted me yesterday, though I don't know why she would want to after what I've done. Anyways, I know she still loves me and wants me, but she has said that she wants to be able to get over me.

 

I'm not going to stand in her way at all. Deep down I believe that this girl is special, and that we can work, but right now I've got to be able to fix my own problems before i get back into a relationship with anyone. I told her we could be friends, she said that it was ok, but now I think after reading all of this that NC is the way to go. She is expecting us to have dinner this week, monday I think, but I won't call her or even go online for this entire week. I'm gonna show her that I don't need her to survive and that I can be perfectly fine on my own. We'll see how it goes, I've bookmarked this thread so I can go to it whenever i get the urges.

[whichwayisup]

I think this post should be pinned. So many people seem to be inspired by No Foolin's words and wisdom, and the other posters who have shared theirs as well...

[SinceIvebeenlovingU]

Amen to that...vote for sticky...

[whichwayisup]

Yup I let the Mods know about this thread. Definately sticky worthy! LMAO!

[No Foolin]

Hey kids how's the coping thing going? Remember the worst battle is dealing with yourself (its the most important one. Its a life long one).

 

No Foolin

[BrotherAaron]

Bump.

 

I'm bored... and this good advice that nobody is going to see if it's on the last page.

[iwishiknewthen]

smiling........................................................

 

 

so many things i can quote and say very true.

 

 

this is a post i will retrive when i have to and will pass along to anyone

in pain and who needs the strength to say no to further pain.

 

 

strength and encouragement can make you smile

even for a moment

 

may all the moments we smile add up again

to full blown laughter...

 

 

thanks for the smile

[ConfusedInOC]

This thread needs to be pinned to the top and highlighted

[MoonPie]

NOW I read this............. I broke NC and boy have I been given a dose of heartache all over again. I sat and thought about what I was trying to accomplish.

 

I didn't want to let go of my hopes and dreams. We promised we'd work it out no matter what - be together forever and POOF!!! Once again we couldn't communicate as adults and resolve our differences.

 

I feel like I've been hurled thru the air in a tornado and slammed down into the ground right back to NO CONTACT all over again. This time I've learned - I'll never take him back and I'll never call him again.

 

This time he pretty much killed my love for him by what he said - I think I can get over him now.

 

Ugh, I wasted good years of my life breaking up and reconciling with a heartless jerk. All that effort I put into loving him ended up in total agony.

 

How do you get over feeling so stupid for breaking no contact? I basically got a big slap in the face.

[moon]

I have been having a lot of realizations lately about my last break up and I thought I'd share because a lot of people are at the beginning stages and I think my break up pains might be winding down here.

 

I am really thankful that I caught on to the whole No Contact thing early on. It seems every break up website advertises this. It makes so much sense now!! I can't even tell you how many times I wanted to destroy my ex after he dumped me and took up with a new woman like a week later---a girl he already knew. It really hurt me bad.

When you are dumped like that you want nothing more than to do anything to harm that other person for ripping your heart out.

 

But intead I decided not to have anything to do with the guy anymore. There was no begging, no sporatic phone calls to see what his status was, there were no screaming fights, name calling.....etc. Of course there were all those things for about seven days proceeding the ending of the relationship, but since then there has only been one phone call and a few e-mails, that really didn't say much.

 

But NC can really help you to restrain yourself from making a huge fool of yourself, especially if they are with somebody new. I have been realizing more and more lately how true it is that if somebody else doesn't want to be with you, DON'T MAKE THEM. You'll just make them and you miserable. I had such an upper hand in my last relationship that I thought I had the power to move the relationship in whichever direction I wanted. But you know, in the end if the other person's true feelings (with out cohersion) aren't leaning towards you anymore......then let them GO. They might cheat on you or make your life miserable if you don't just step back and allow them to wander off on their own. In the end, once you get over the hurt, you really start to feel like you did the person a service. You begin to sort of feel better because you didn't degrade yourself by trying to force another person to be with you. If you don't contact them after the break up (eliminating all the usual embarrassment) some months down the road you'll be really proud of yourself. Of course if they really want to talk to you, they'll call. But if not, you'll have ALL your pride in tact when you get over them and you'll be feeling pretty damn good about the situation. I think this helps you feel okay about the break up later on.

 

Good luck to those fighting their urges to call. Mine were intense for a while.

[chickenlegs]

Hello,

 

After rereading what I've written below, I want to apologize if it at all discourages people from following the advice preceding this message. I think this is a great thread for a lot of people here, and I think not contacting your ex for a while is a very very good idea, but I thought it would be fair to mention that sometimes, things will get worse after no contact. Mostly because of the experiences and advice I had read on this site, i began no contact almost immediately after the break up. I went through all the terrible parts, the first 4 months were absolutely unbearable, but i saved myself a lot of dignity and pride. I dated some wonderful women, and am dating one now.

 

The catch is, that in some cases, all that resentment and hurt just piles up, and now here I am again, a year later. I think there is a danger of falling into project development mode while doing the no contact--you are working very hard to reach a goal, be it moving on, being able to encounter the ex with composure, whatever. Be ready for the project to last the rest of your life. For context, it is important to mention here that my exand I were together for a year and half, I was her first love (but not her first relationship), and I know at some point she loved me very much. It is also importatn to mention that about 15 seconds after telling me she wanted out, she unleashed an hour and a half long tirade detailing all the things she didn't like about me (my favorite was "You only like American food," but with a real snotty accent on the american. This wasn't even true. I like lots of different cuisine. Sigh....I hate people from Minneapolis. Listen up: Museums and people ironically wearing trucker hats in a town do not make the residents of that town better or more sophisticated than those residing elsewhere.). I have never been able to bring myself to tell others, even my closest friends and family, the things she said to me, and even the part about the food is the first thing I've ever divulged, and certainly the most mild. For some reason, if anyone knew what she said to me, I would be devastated and mortified.

 

The trick was this: I was of course so shocked about what I was hearing I wasn't even able to get mad or hang up on her, and when I saw her the next day, I ended up calming her down to the point where she agreed to think over her decision for a few days, and would call me when she was ready. Its been more than a year. The phone hasn't rung. It was a trcik because it used the very respect I had for her to escape any responsibility for the way she had treated me. Because I respected her request for time and didnt press the issue, I've had to carry all that **** around in my heart for a year, and its getting more intense, and its starting to affect a few subtle interactions with the girl I am seeing, who has a wonderful soul. I've talked a little bit about this with her, and she is very understanding about it. I can't bring myself to full disclosure, for fear if ruining any potential for serious romance with her, and because I am terribly embarassed about what happened.

 

It was 5 months before I could bring myself to remove her number from my cell phone. About 3 months after that, it finally started to get better. I mention the timeframe because when you start the no contact, even if you do all the things you should (work out, date, get some new clothes, etc) you have to be aware that No contact is not a hobby. The things you wanted to say will never be said, and I 'm not talking about the groveling parts, I'm not talking about "how could you do this to me?" I mean the meat of all that heaviness in the middle of your body; the anger at them for leaving will be pass soon, so be assured. But the anger at having been spoken to in a certain way, the anger at the unprovoked cruelty and disrespect, these are things that can become progressively harder to deal with. You will never have any absolution. And I walked away from that relationship with as few expectations as i could, but I was lying to myself. I cna't fault her for being unhappy in the reltionship. She did what she had to. I didn't expect her to come back, but I fully expected an apology. There has been none.

 

My experience, while certainly not the worst breakup of all time ever and OMG I can't believe people were capable of such disgusting acts kind of thing, was probably worse than average, and pretty rare in its execution. What I've got to deal with is probably something most others don't. So please don't take my example as reason to do something stupid.

 

I do not want my ex back, don't want to be her friend, don't want to get a Christmas card. I think this post is pretty clear about that. But had I contacted her, I would have been able to let myself be angry with her, having suffered through all that silence, with nothing but all those terrible things she said for company. I suppose I could write her a terrible letter. This isn't practical, I know. But you know what? After a year of practicality, after the worst of it has passed, there are entirely new species of "worst of its" surfacing. And all that resolve it took not to call her is as helpful as extinct birds.

[IfiKnewThen]

omg that last post really affected me.

i truly understand what you are saying chicken legs. and although there is lots of merit to NC...i must say this is what i have always felt and believed....

 

it can tear at you and haunt you to not say things you want and need to say. not for them, but for YOU. sometimes we need to do this for ourselves. when my relationship ended, i was thinking about the future a little. i was thinking...

what will i want to say now to him so that i wont regret having not said it in the future. and i thought long and hard about it. and what i did, was i first sent him an email detailing how i felt he deceived me and how i didn't appreciate it. he owed me money too and i asked for it back. (i got it back too btw) i told him several things that i didn't like about him (honestly not enough) but at least i told him a lot of things on my mind. i was prudent though because if there was going to be any hope..i didn't want to smash it altogether. then i let time pass....then i told him all the things i loved about him in another email. i thought about how i would never get to say these things either and life is short and there was some good in him in the past and i let him know that too.

 

i kinda felt like frank sinatra.......aka.........."I did it my way"

 

i had absolutely NO control over reconciling with him because he moved on with another woman...but at least i felt like i was going to do what i wanted to do by saying things i felt i needed to say at the time. and upon hearing your story

chickenlegs it really kinda makes me glad i did. yes, sometimes, i wish i didn't give him the satisfaction of knowing what i felt at all...and i gave him a love letter he can read over and over again and not make him for guilty for dumping me...(thats the worst thing i did lol) but....i said a few things i wanted to say. he couldn't stifle that too. there are pros and cons to both sides and ways of doing things. but when it comes right down to it....you have to do it your way.

 

i still smile at this tread because there is so much moxy behind it. power. i see a bunch of people here at LS who very powerful forces. we are all survivors and people of worth.

 

and yes, there is value in NC from the start. all depending how you look at it. and there is some value in speaking your heart too. and when its all said and done there is still value and NC mid way if you didnt do it from the start. the biggest message in this tread to me is.. is that we have to get over them, so we can move forward. at least thats what i get out of it...and that its possible with dedication , strength....action and even rest...............and ultimately walking it off. can you shake love off...just like that? no BUT, you must find a way, because the love isnt being returned. and feeling dead inside sux. so the walk to me is saying keep going. do what you have to do ..get out and walk physcially if you have to mentally whatever ..like he said get your mind off the unreturned love that will poison us. i fully agree. just dont keep pursuing a useless hopeless cause. it does prolong pain and suffering.

[whitewhale]

Originally posted by LadyRLD

No Foolin, all I have to say is you are sooooo wise. You word things so perfectly. I feel so liberated when I read your posts. You are just awesome. You should write a book or an online breakup guide. I would definitely buy it!!!

 

 

Thank you for taking time out to write some really insightful and helpful post. My heart healed a lot faster after folllowing the NC rules.

 

I agree! A book would be great! I'd buy it via Amazon instantly. It's very helpful what you wrote and so inspiring too. I've just been on a mood swing with my ex. He dumped me less then a week ago and I broke NC to the point of agreeing after two days to a friendship while now I feel like I want to tell him what I really think of him... I've got to post another thread for that.

 

thnx again. You're great NF, and all the folks here - UR so helpful. It's better not to have to go through it all alone

[Bubsa]

I have to say found this post a very interesting Read. Some really good advice on here.

 

Just want to ask NO FOOLIN (You seem to be the Man to give top advice)

 

How do you recomend recovering from a Breakup where No Contact is not really a option as me and the Ex have a kid together ???

[Three of Swords]

Originally posted by Bubsa

I have to say found this post a very interesting Read. Some really good advice on here.

 

Just want to ask NO FOOLIN (You seem to be the Man to give top advice)

 

How do you recomend recovering from a Breakup where No Contact is not really a option as me and the Ex have a kid together ???

 

Or you work together

[whirlwindlove]

I must say, your display of words,TRUELY HIT HOME. Thank you very much.

[NewMe]

Originally posted by No Foolin

Good people, you don't need anyone!!!!!! Thinking that you need someone to make you HAPPY is a lie. Nobody is capable of of making you happy. Thats like someone (other than you) eating a sandwich to make you full.

 

Alright, I am going to make myself really unpopular here, but what is the deal with "you don't need anyone" anyway? I don't buy it.

 

I agree with the spirit of this thread, and understand you can't give up and die after a breakup, embracing self-sufficiency is good advice... I am at 6+ months of NC after a 4.5 yr relationship, and it is absolutely what I had to do.

 

BUT I think we all need mates to be happy. Humans are social animals. I think it is normal to feel better about oneself when in a relationship, to feel good about being loved. I think having someone to love gives life meaning. I'm starting to think this "I want you, I don't need you" ideology is bunk. My ex was great. He wasn't perfect, but then who is. I can't wallow in self-pity for losing him, but I'm starting to think this premium we place on independence is really misguided.

[ConfusedInOC]

I agree to some extent. I miss the companionship from my Ex. I am sure I'll have that again with someone else, but right now, that's what I miss the most.

[No Foolin]

Thats easy....... Simply everything can be taken from you. Money, looks, relationships, all things end. In the end the only thing you can count on having is yourself. Accepting this cold hard fact of reality is very liberating. Depending on someone to make you happy is admitting that you have no power. They then (when they feel like it) take that happiness away.

 

How you feel about yourself, is the only thing that one cannot take away (unless you get shot in the face). Then you wouldn't know it anyway . The key to recovery is the acceptance of yourself and what you are. This will be learned alone without the muck of props from outside influences.

 

 

No Foolin

[NewMe]

Well, I don't mean to be contentious, but I feel like you're just putting forward more platitudes. We live in a culture that idealizes independence, but the truth is that we are all interdependent. Being in a relationship means mutual dependency, doesn't it? That's why people are (understandably) devastated when their spouses die.

 

Depending on someone to make you happy is admitting that you have no power. They then (when they feel like it) take that happiness away.

That sounds provocative, but what does it actually entail? Living perpetually in defensive mode, keeping the new mates at arm's lengths just so they can't hurt us?

 

I want to bond and I am needy. I think everyone does and is. I don't see why it should be so shameful, why everyone is nodding to "don't be needy." Does no one here plan to love again?