teardrop Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Quote of the day: All that you seek you already have within you. "The way I see it, the definition of love should not be limited to romantic love alone. Love is more than a sentiment. Love is a way of being. The broader definition of love should also be a longing for experiencing a life of fulfillment, purpose, meaning, inner peace, fulfillment, real joy and self-worth. After all, everything we do is to either experience more love and fulfillment or to compensate for the lack of it. Some people have been willing to go under the knife, and endure excruciating pain, to change their looks (hoping the mirror will still be kind just a little longer and gravity will not take its toll anytime soon). Some people have deprived themselves of food while on the quest for attaining the perfect body. They have been willing to go into huge debt and endure the worst kind of pain and humiliation that comes from compromising one’s integrity and selling their soul just to support a life-style and status they couldn’t afford. Some even ignored and deprived the biggest part of their Self, their spirit, which allows them to experience all the very things they set out to attain in the first place. In short, you name it and they endured just about anything in their quest for love. Even for those who were able to achieve material success, it was only a hollow victory since no amount of money, good looks, status and/or trophies could fill up the void inside which was created by a malnourished spirit. They too discovered that “when you get there, there is no “there” there,” and that external riches don’t necessarily have the power to give us internal riches (“real love” defined as fulfillment, purpose, meaning, inner peace, real joy and self-worth) that we are desperately seeking. At best they were flirting with the illusion of love rather than experiencing the real deal. In a “more is better” culture where vanity, and not virtue, is worshipped (consider the growing trend of reality TV shows such as “For Love or Money”) it’s easy to understand why we have been looking for love in all the wrong places. Yet surprisingly, we have ignored the fact that the natural state of our spirit is love, which is the driving force behind all creation. Hollywood stars, the media and multi-billion dollar industries have all brainwashed us to believe that we are simply not adequate, worthy or good enough to be loved just the way we are and that it is only “He with the most toys, and not joy, lives.” The reality is that finding true love should not be either painful and/or costly. You can find true love (in the broader definition) no matter what you have been brainwashed to believe. First you must recognize that you are a spiritual being first, having a human experience (and not the other way around) and therefore, your natural state of being is love. As such you were meant to live a life of meaning, purpose, fulfillment, real joy, inner peace, and abundance by reconnecting with your spiritual roots (living in harmony with universal laws characterized by integrity, giving and the honoring of all living things). We can’t truly be happy and fulfilled without the element of giving. Real joy comes from making a meaningful difference in people’s lives, when money and power are used as useful tools to help make a difference. Next time you are tempted to look for “love” in all the wrong places, consider the definition of real love. Most importantly remember that all that you seek is not “somewhere out there,” but rather it is already within you. All you have to do is recognize it and enjoy it while you can." Geela Link to post Share on other sites
Taurus1358 Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Well, I have to say that this thread is AWESOME!!!! and NF has given me the answer that I needed so very much. It's been a long 1 1/2 years since my ex and I parted ways, after reading this post entirely I have realized that what I had was a wonderful, beautiful experience that didn't work quite as we expected and I have to move on. It is true, IT IS ALL ABOUT ME. I have the power to control the way I feel as far as this ordeal concerns. Do I still love her? Yes, with every atom in my entire being!!! Would I go back to her? Absolutely!! I know the real reason why everything happened and I have conquered my demons. But the past doesn't exist anymore, therefore, to get back will have to be a new beginning, starting from scratch, " nice meeting you, my name is..." type thing, even though we were married for 17 years. Will I get the chance? Who knows!!! I hope so, but, in the meantime I have a life to live and I am doing it to the best of my ability. No Foolin' YOU ARE THE MAN!!!!!!! Thank you so very much Link to post Share on other sites
sanne Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 I just thought i'd add my 2 cents like everyone else. There are some important things to know about NC, which may or may not have been said already. 1. NC will be different for each person. Yes the idea of no contact is the same, but what you decide to do with it is entirely up to you. I believe NC is primarily a tool to help you become stronger, more independent, and level-headed. It has the added bonus of giving you the ability to let go of your ex much quicker. 2. It's not just enough to know that NC is what you need to do. You have to WANT to do NC and WANT to be able to get over your ex. Otherwise, you will never implement NC successfully, I can guarantee you that. 3. NC is not easy, sure the concept of not contacting a person is easy, but implementing it will be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do. Don't fool yourself, it is dififcult for all of us. Be prepared for the mental anguish and suffering that will ensue, but know that it will all be worth it in the end. Nothing good comes easy, remember that. 4. NC will change you, you may not believe it or see it now, but you will change so much after the first few weeks. You'll look back on yourself and see all the dumb mistakes you made, and know that you won't ever make them again in a future relationship. Personally, without NC I would never have gained the insight and knowledge I have now. It has truly made me a much stronger and independent person. Someone on these forums once told me that if you aren't comfortable in your own skin, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. I just want you all to know that you will become a better person when all is said and done, and you'll be so glad you made the effort. Link to post Share on other sites
leftmyheartinsf Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 Thank you so much for that. GOD, I'm so glad I read that. I needed to remember all those things and I thank you for writing them here. I was just surfing the web looking for some sage advice...and I got it. God bless, and I hope your heart has healed. Mine is still sadly broken...but he knows how to reach me. I won't be calling. No matter what. He said he "wasn't ready" so...I will pick up my pieces and move on with my life. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Just bumping this thread up...Again. Link to post Share on other sites
Bogun Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 i needed to read this again Link to post Share on other sites
broken guy Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Will it help you? Well, it just might, it depends on what you want to do. If you want to wail and moan and beg, then it's a bad idea but if you have something to say in a POSITIVE aspect, then do it. I have been here too long and have seen the cracks in this NC business. In fact, the only thing that it has made me realize is that I also did things to mess up my relationship with my dream girl. I thought it was all her at 1st, it wasn't. So, I AM going to write a letter and just apologise for the way I handled MY end of the relationship. I don't care about all this power talk and weakness. I don't care about what people say about how she lied to me and grabbed hold of another branch whilst still hanging on to mine. If writing this letter provides ME with some closure then I'm all for it. I think that moving on does not always mean slicing a person away and letting the pain subside, how about a wave goodbye, a kiss on the forehead then turning around and walking away with a smile on your face knowing you had the guts to put your final feelings down in a positive way.....hey, it will stay with them forever and you won't ever be forgotton or thought about in a negative way. Good luck and goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy If writing this letter provides ME with some closure then I'm all for it. Sometimes we have the need to force create our own closure.. Closure comes from within and if you cannot form some sort of closure then forcing yourself into closure by writing a letter maybe the only way for internal peace.. Providing you end it with the letter.. Link to post Share on other sites
At Peace Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I have read your first entry and all the other posts...And it's been three months. I have been in contact with the ex. (via e-mails) I guess in the back of my mind I do harbour thoughts that it could result in something more. And I'm misleading myself because I continue to think along those lines... that he'll come around if he hears my accomplishments blah blah. I guess I'm not allowing myself to heal and today I found myself crying still about the demise of our relationship. Letting go is hard, but at the end of the day he's moved on and doesn't think about me. And I'm clinging on to a memory of a relationship which wasn't completely fulfilling. I miss the pysical and I don't see myself do the non involement physical sex thing. That's another struggle. The other advise is well noted. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 BUMP! Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 all i can say and add is this....... its not enough to love someone and yes we all know love is an action word. but the action must also be mature. being mature means being fair in a relationship. dont all of you just look back once and awhile and say to yourselves...... if i knew then, what i know now? ,,because we matured now somehow, someway. we have greater insight. being mature also means seeings what's not good for you and letting go and fighting for a better life for yourself. honestly, i still dont know if i am mature enough (ok i am not) but i am learning. i still hold on to hope with an ex......silly immature me. but maturity is sooo damn essential for love to WORK. love is love but i think it needs to be fueled with lots of maturity and insight. i have mostly learned that maturity is needed in love on both ends in order to get through stuff . both need to be willing to look at both sides of things. and work through the bad that arises from conflicts. Personally, i wish to God i was mature when i fell in love, and balanced enough to know how to handle or inspire my partner to help us move forward together. i wish he was mature and had the good sense too to know how to make the love we had work...because its not enough to love . it should be and true love will work but people have to grow up first. can you grow together yes? but 2 mature people in love will be willing to do that. God i never realized how a calm maturity was essential in problem solving. even if my partners along lifes way , were lacking in their own way, and we werent meant to be in the end....i think i would have handled it better some how.... ifiknew then. just thinking ourloud at 12:45 am Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 thinking out loud that is Link to post Share on other sites
At Peace Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 the most difficult part in moving on is giving up the hope, that the person whom we are struggling to let go and move on and not contacting, that this person will never comprehend what we have gone through. When we each get past this period of last ounce of hope, we'll look back I guess and see that it was not meant to be. the pain as awful as it is, reminds us of just how much we will have to learn from it. I'm just afraid that I will lose the part of me that loved someone so freely. I feel like I'm scared inside...how do I rid myself of that wound on the inside? Link to post Share on other sites
caring guy Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 Thanks to NF & all for wise words. I broke up yesterday on her terms. We're both 30 & she has 2 kids, 10 & 6. We saw each other 17 months & as in all relationships, there were ups & downs!. I had a drink problem, not heavy, just as she was teetotal, even me drinking 2 glasses of wine a night made it hard! It lead to arguments & me being pig headed & stubbrnness, being emotionally cold & at end of June ijust said i don't care anymore, after i'd drunk too much & we had argued & she was crying. That was her all time low! Since then i've had alcohol advisory & have been drink free for a month. Never the less, she was still low & relationship very rocky! The middle of July she needed space & i just saw her 2 times a week & stayed similar times. I went round one day & there were 2 marks on her neck & she said an ex had been round after a n argument with his current gf & needed support, they hugged & kissed & then after he kissed her neck, she pushed him away, saying i'm with someone & don't want to. I frgave her & told her i love her as i always do & the next day she was going on vacation with her mum, sister & kids & i was looking after the house & pets. I found out from open emails on her pc, she had accidentally leaft that this was crap & she had been seeing someone since mid July. It was him that had kissed her neck, she encouraged him, but couldn't have sex, as she was still with me. They had dinner & visited each other! This made me sick, but i knew i had made her feel bad & this is her excuse, that i lead her to it! She was in a bar on a girls night out & drinking water as driving, her friends were dancing & she was approached, she didn't plan go looking or anything. Since she met this guy, we had been out to dinner a couple of times, been together & even had sex, she was wanting to see us both for unlimited time, & then decide who she wanted. She has been very open since this & i believe her!Until i saw these emails which scuppered her plan & she then had to make her mind up. 1. She thinks 2timing me is ok, because we rowed a lot & i was complacent & took for granted us & as i lyed to her about drink, she can lye to me about this! 2. I do blame myself, if i had heard her warnings about drink & lack of commitment, we'd still be around. She returned from vacation & i had been very insecure & in need of reassurance & occasionally we chatted on the phone whilst she was away, bt how did she expect me to feel! Tonight, she told me they will go out & have dinner & then who knows, i hurt because i'm jelous & know it's my fault. She told me she wants to meet for coffee & doesn't ever not want to see me, we have stuff of each others anyway! & that she doesn't believe my change, but by seeing me occasionaly, it will show her! I do love her, her kids love me & it pisses me off thinking that now i'm doing something about it (drink) & , it seems over. The other arguments did stem fro the drink. Nobody i know thinks her relationship will work, as he's 22 & she's 30 & doubt his commitment to someone elses kids at that age! Now this no contact thing, what if she contacts me?? I know my wrongs & would have her back today, but i'm so hurting as i know it's my fault & tonight, they may be being intimate in our bed!. What can i do to stop my jelous hurting & these pictures of him & her together, it's so fresh & i've been crying nonstop! Link to post Share on other sites
caring guy Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 & something i forgot does the first post in this thread still count if your trying to get your ex back! I'm convinced it won't work because of the kids & ages of the couple & him being 22 & comiting to someone elses kids!, she says she wants to see me & i can visit her & we will anyway, because we have things of each others that we want back! We don't hate each other, she loves me & she wants to see me & prove her wrong about my alcohol problem & prospects! Link to post Share on other sites
Rocko Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 This is a fantastic thread. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 Originally posted by caring guy & something i forgot does the first post in this thread still count if your trying to get your ex back! Yes. For you -Out of sight out of mind...Keep busy, DO other things for you, and try to get out with buddies etc. Distraction is the key and everytime your mind goes negative and those images pop into your head - Stop and tell yourself "enough!!" You are in control of your mind, not the mind in control of you. For her - Out of sight...Will make her wonder. Trust me, she will miss you. That is the game. Does she give in and call you, chase you and try to get you back???? One bad thing though...The thing about doing NC - Be prepared for it backfiring. Your intent is to win her back, she may/may not react the way you want her to. good luck and keep on posting! Link to post Share on other sites
caring guy Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 So with NC & the problems of it backfiring, is there a time when i maybe should instigate contact. I don't want to do NC if she then thinks, great-he's given up!, she seems to think that the less she sees of someone in a relationship, the less she wants to see them & the more she sees someone in a relationship, the more she wants to see them. Total opposite to "abscence makes heart fonder"! Will she miss me ? I'm sure sfter 17 months she will, but as i've said about her seeing this guy i don't think(hope) it will work. I do trust her, she has never lyed to me in all the time i known her, except when i gave her reason to & she encouraged someone to chat her up, she wasn't on the pull! & she cryed to me for doing that, something she says she's never done before! She knows me as the guy that makes her laugh, cares for her, is strong for her in certain ways like helping here with her problem neighbours, getting her car fixed, great with her kids, & standing up to her, but i have this real horrible emotional side that showed fragility when she wanted to end it, a me that seemed needy & cryed a lot, but only because of my love & terror of losing her! I just hope she remembers the me she loves! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 BUMP! This thread should be Pinned!!! Link to post Share on other sites
caring guy Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 How can she miss me when she's having a whale of a time with this guy, ok her kids will always mention my name, they love me & hopefully it will make her think. When i gave her her key back the other day, it wasn't good at it was too soon for me to see her, she wants to chat on msn sometime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No Foolin Posted August 20, 2005 Author Share Posted August 20, 2005 Its over caring guy........... look at what you are doing to yourself, "what ifs", "if onlys". All you have control over is yourself. All roads lead to pain in regards to the past with this girl. Everything ends, so learn, get your sh*t together and in a year look back (if you even care by that time) and laugh. Worked for me, its worked for others. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
At Peace Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 No Foolin, I have your guide printed out before me. And I tried to do the NC and was a perfect example of why one should not contact or remain in contact with the person with whom I got dumped by. I feel like I reopned a wound that is even now more difficult to heal. I also feel foolish by having done so. I actually don't know why I ignored the guide and feel like I'm paying the price. The hardest part is accepting the fact that that person doesn't even notice what I feeling. And still I chose to open myself and become vulnerable to their lack of regard for me. How do you recover from that? It's like a permanent stain in my soul. Link to post Share on other sites
caring guy Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 I have been through this before with a long distance break up, but never with another guy envolved, this is what make the pain so intense. I met this girl whilst getting over that previous girl, so i know what your saying. Others on here seem to think she'll come back to me when her 22 year old toyboy realises he's missing his nights out, & can be with a girl with no kids & her kids are playing up & they can't go out!, or if he's going out with his mates & she's staying in to look after. I'm at an age where i want this commitment & she knows it. My family tell me that i'm stupid to want to be around her when she's got kids & i'm 32, jeeznows what would they think if i were 22! Yes, things end, like my grandparents 73 year marriiage which had 3 seperations & death ended it! Some here seem to think she will miss me, i know i'm being like this because we had it all planned out the future, it was a perfect plan as she was at Uni, me work at home & do domestic stuff. I can't give up so easily, i realised most of my mates were just associates that i saw in the bar, i was new to this town, i know no-one else, all i can do is be alone. Whatever i do to take my mind of it, it's still there!, Reconciliation is possible, i just know it only can happen at a time when we can be friends & we can be as we were when we first met! & not whilst i want it & she wants friends.. Thats why the other day was so bad, we met & i gave her the key & my feelings all came back, wanting to compliment etc & it ended in talking about us, it was too soon!. It could all have been different if it'd gone the way she wanted just chatting about this & that. I wonder what this guy would have thought if he knew she was with me & the night before she was with another male friend, who took her out for a driink. I've met him, he's just an old friend from where she used to live!, she says he fancys her, but she don't him. This all sounds so farcical. I wouldn't be full of joy if i knew my gf was having coffee with her ex (me) & then with another guy who she knows! Thats what gives me hope! Link to post Share on other sites
Author No Foolin Posted August 20, 2005 Author Share Posted August 20, 2005 At peace You never are able to quite forget, that is impossible, so don't try. The order of the day is to change focus. You will always have memories (I don't waste my time reliving the past, I tend to run into street lights when I look backwards). You can't change the past; thats like trying comb your hair when the barber just shaved your head the day previous . You are your own superman/woman, forge your destiny or someone will do it for you (thats not a good thing). Caring guy I'm not a touchy feely dude, I deal in reality and tough love. I will tell you the truth that will actually help you. You want this girl back......... But you can't have her back, why because she doesn't want you (re-read the previous sentence please). The why of the matter does not matter. You can't even consider the first step until you shut that light off. Your ex is with another dude. You actually want this girl back???? Think for a second: If I have a stick of gum and I happen to leave it on a desk or something. Some dude rolls up, unwraps the gum and starts to chew this gum. I'm upset because dude is chewing my gum; however, I'm not going to sit around and lament over said gum and I definitely am not going to go and pry it out of dudes mouth so I can chew on it. Why, because 1) thats freaking gross 2) the flavor is gone 3) I'll go buy some more. Similar, your girl with another guy, yes you're upset, but now you have the chance to do what you want to do. Your girl is chewed gum now, get it off your shoe. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 Originally posted by No Foolin If I have a stick of gum and I happen to leave it on a desk or something. Some dude rolls up, unwraps the gum and starts to chew this gum. I'm upset because dude is chewing my gum; however, I'm not going to sit around and lament over said gum and I definitely am not going to go and pry it out of dudes mouth so I can chew on it. Why, because 1) thats freaking gross 2) the flavor is gone 3) I'll go buy some more. Similar, your girl with another guy, yes you're upset, but now you have the chance to do what you want to do. Your girl is chewed gum now, get it off your shoe. Beautifully said No Fooling Link to post Share on other sites
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