I am lost

[Tee91]

Hey guys, Im new to this site & I need advice really bad lol. This is a pretty long story so hopefully I dont doze anybody off lol

 

I met this girl 2 years ago & we hit it off great. The first 8 months was perfect and by the time she went back to school she started detaching herself from me. It was so sudden that I was confused & she would give me the excuse that she needs to focus on her school work & other things so we took a break. We didnt go one full week into the break & I found out that she went out on a date w/ another dude. SHe first lied to me about it but when I checked her phone (Yes I did that, thats a whole diff. innocent story but I will admit I was insecure) thats when I found out. She said she was sorry & I forgave her. SHortly afterwards her & her ex been talking, (The ex that she wouldnt stop talking about, Crazy enough her ex was a friend of mine, I didnt know that dated because it was so far into the past and my friend never brought her up to me & vica versa. I asked him would he mine if I dated her & he said of course) so I had to stay on the side while him & her handle their closure so we can be a happy couple w/o bringing up exes. One thing led to another & she ended up sleeping w/ him. She apologized but it took a while to forgive her. Yes I held it over her head but it wasnt as bad as constantly bringing it up everyday. We would talk about it so I can find peace w/ the situation. I eventually forgave her. So November hits along & everything is good, somewhat. She's still in college but I was back home because of financial issues & other stuff. I felt depressed because of my own life, It had nothing to do w/ her & I didnt want to talk to her about it because 1. Her friends already was saying I was too needy and 2. I wanted to prove to her that I can overcome my situation. Back to November, her parents asked me when I am going to marry their daughter, I was completely honest w/ them & told them as soon as I get my degree and become more finally stable. She was upset because she felt that I was dragging her along and told me "I rather be married & poor than single & rich". I REALLY wanted to marry this girl but at the same time I felt pressured to rush everything because I didnt want her to see me as this bum who didnt want to lose his gf. Afterwards I took some time for myself & trying to figure myself out for me & her. I couldnt go back to college for another semester so I was bummed out. Couldnt find a job, Couldnt go back to school for another semester, I was out of it. Then in Jan. she told me that she will always love me but she had to leave because I was way to miserable & wished me the best. We also agreed that we would see each other for V-Day. Now this is where things goes downhill.

 

We broke up days before our 2 yr anniversary. SHe told me that she still feel bad about breaking up w/ me & I told her its okay I really need to get my life together. We still wished each other a Happy 2 Anniversary after the breakup. Shortly after that she met new people. I was drunk one night & thats when I found out. I begged, pleaded & everything. She told me "No". It was like that for 2 months. After all of that she agreed that we can meet up. We met up, had a great time and before the meet up ended she kissed me. One thing led to another & we in the back seat of my car (Nothing happened. Almost, but nothing happened lol). She told me even tho she met new people (She went out on 10 dates & have a new sex partner) and have no desire to get back with me at that moment she still loved me & still sexually attracted to me. During the entire date the talk of marriage was being brought up.

 

So afterwards she went back to her cold self. I would ask her if we still love each other & Im close to getting my life back to what it once was why we cant work things out? She stated that I didnt appreciate her but I was a good man. She said that I lost her but I deserve better. She let it be known about her new sex partner & the 10 guys thats talking to her & out of those 10 4 or 5 was to be in a rship with her. Kind of like bragging, Or maybe she was being brutally honest. We finally had the argument and I decided that enough was enough & I didnt talk her since late May. I can say after our argument & last convo I have got my life back together. Im back in school getting ready to get my degree, I am already working in my field (Im a freelance Designer), and I have a MAJOR project coming up, women (older) have been hitting on me, I feel great for the most part, I felt better than I did one year ago. But the question is this: For 6 months this one nagging, nagging thought of wondering what I did so wrong keeps popping up. I am still in love with this woman but I have proved to myself that I can be extremely happy w/o her. Sometimes I do get nervous when I contact her (Were at limited NC) but I shakes it off. My question is this: What did I do so wrong in the relationship? I never cheated, fought her etc. for her to treat me so cold as soon as she met new people, especially when the origin of the problem was a problem I was going through and nothing w/ the rship. I am still in love w/ her & I have gotten my life together, But when I didnt I was clingy, needy, desperate, etc. trying to get her back Have I ruined my chances w/ her 100%? I am not in a rush to get back w/ her unless my heart & feelings say so. We agreed to be friends. She agreed to meet up again after all of this & I am not expecting the first meet up to happen all over again nor will I let it happen if she tries to start it. What did I do so wrong & How can I redeem myself to her?

 

Its a mess, I know lol