Having trouble post BU [updates]

[newenglandkid]

Hi guys,

 

Heres a short story of what happened and how I'm dealing with it. Any advice would help.

 

GF broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, claiming that little arguments between us caused the split. I don't want to say that the arguments were her fault, but she was very selfish in the relationship. Anything that she didn't want to do, I usually went with, and the few times I wanted to do something that she didn't want to do, it lead to those arguments. So it sounds like I should have nothing to be complaining about, I should just move on and forget about her right? I just can't, we were so in sync with each other mostly because we spent almost every free minute with each other and we bonded a lot over the course of our time together (1 and 1/2 years).

 

In those three weeks I have been a wreck, and I have tried NC but she has texted me, and snapchat me, in which I respond (I know, breadcrumbs). I just don't know what to do, part of me realizes that she treated me poorly and I should just move on, but the other part of me wants to try like hell to get her back and see if she is willing to be more open about things which would lead to less arguments.

 

Can someone give me a word or two of advice, because I am sitting here going over every possible scenario and I just don't know what to do.

 

Thanks!

[newenglandkid]

Any advice would be great guys

[Amy74]

I'm struggling too.

 

I consider myself an intelligent person but I couldn't figure out why I'm mourning and struggling with the (ongoing) break-up until someone pointed out it's the companionship I was missing.

 

Try to keep NC--and keep yourself busy with friends, working on yourself, new hobbies. I've been using this site...but yea, it's a struggle.

[newenglandkid]

Yes I've been NC for 2 days now, it's going alright just trying to keep myself busy. However I really am struggling whether I should let her go completely or if I should still pursue her because like I said we had a lot in common and we both loved each other very much. I think she just wants to be single and not have to answer to a bf or whomever. But idk if I should just let her go because who knows how long this "stage" could last, or should I try NC/LC and try to win her bCk over

[newenglandkid]

Ugh so me and my brother went to a concert together (that me and the ex were suppose to go to). I ended up breaking down as the main act was coming on bc I knew she had wanted to see him and I knew we were suppose to see him together. She texted me and let me know she wasn't gonna be there, which at the time seemed like no big deal but clearly I'm in tears and trying to fight through this.

 

I wish I just had an answer to why she wanted to end us. Like we had talked about moving in, and eventually getting marries (were btb around 22 btw) but we still had long term plans to be with each other. I just wish tonight didn't turn out like it did

[No Limit]

Both of you are young, so don't worry about marriage at all. Maybe that's what scared her off, maybe you two moved too fast.

 

And don't worry, you had a weak moment. It will pass in time.

[learning_slowly]

Yes, read a lot of the things on here and learn.

I remember 22 and everything seemed big, but it's not really. You have lots of time to meet somebody new and I'm sure it will probably be more than 1.

 

Respect yourself and feel lucky you didn't waste 10 years of your life like some people on here.

 

You might feel bad, but really you have a whole life ahead and can change it to go in the direction you want. You just need to build some motivation and direction.

[newenglandkid]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/478720-i-want-her-back

 

There's my backstory...

 

So it's been about a month now post BU, and everyday is a struggle but I get through it. We have been LC (maybe once or twice a week). Anyway so I've got two quick things to share and I want to get some opinions about how I should feel.

 

So last night I go out with my buddy (who is also friends with my ex). Halfway through the night he shows me that he and her talked right after the BU and she explained to him that while I'm a great guy, her feelings changed and it "wasn't meant to be". She also said she hasn't felt the same way for a while (so weeks prior to the BU). However looking at old social media posts from that time period, I could never tell (even jokingly asking me to marry her which I said yes lol). So part of me thinks that what she told my friend wasn't the exact truth about why she broke up with me because of that sort of stuff.

 

Now my second thing I want to share, so like I said we've been LC since BU. This week she texts me saying that she feels weird about the BU because her friends are talking about moving in with their bfs and she doesn't have a plan now (because we were suppose to move in). She's telling me how weird she feels even though she broke up with me!

 

So here's what my thought is and I wanna hear from you guys to see if I'm kinda right or kinda off. I think she wanted to be single and enjoy it with her friends. When she went to the west coast she got a little taste of that and decided to act upon it without thinking of the long term ramifications. So I'm thinking that eventually she'll realize that she made a mistake and try to patch things up or am I viewing all of this the wrong way?

[newenglandkid]

Both of you are young, so don't worry about marriage at all. Maybe that's what scared her off, maybe you two moved too fast.

 

And don't worry, you had a weak moment. It will pass in time.

 

 

The thing is though, she was the first to bring up the idea of moving in and eventually getting married. This initially scared me a bit since like you said we are so young, but I played it cool and told her yeah. As time went on I started believing that more and more, and then for her to BU with me just caught me way of guard

[JRico]

Hi, im far from being someone who's advice should be heard but... i can tell you what im going through.

 

BU 2 months ago, in contact 11 days... and it was all pain, 6 weeks NC now and im feeling better. It's hard, I still miss her when I have nothing to do but I'm a lot better. It really helps, I dont know exactly how to explain it but i would say that the sad moments aren't as sad as they were and the need of seing her has become a feeling of refusing to see her... dont really wanna see her because it will hurt. I really want her out of my life right now, maybe in some time we will be friends or maybe not, but NC is helping me a lot.

 

Hope this helps you.

[newenglandkid]

Hi, im far from being someone who's advice should be heard but... i can tell you what im going through.

 

BU 2 months ago, in contact 11 days... and it was all pain, 6 weeks NC now and im feeling better. It's hard, I still miss her when I have nothing to do but I'm a lot better. It really helps, I dont know exactly how to explain it but i would say that the sad moments aren't as sad as they were and the need of seing her has become a feeling of refusing to see her... dont really wanna see her because it will hurt. I really want her out of my life right now, maybe in some time we will be friends or maybe not, but NC is helping me a lot.

 

Hope this helps you.

 

 

Yeah man I hear yeah...I've tried to remain NC but whenever she texts me or snapchats me or whatever I can't help myself and respond (albeit a hour or two later to show I'm not like waiting on her). I miss her a ton, but after talking with a few of my friends who had a similar situation with their exs, I'm starting to feel a little better (since they've all gotten back with their exs). So I'm going to stay strong and try to hold out...hopefully she comes back around!

[newenglandkid]

If you guys haven't seen my story check my earlier posts.

 

So this evening my ex gf (drunk) texted me and asked if I had met anyone. After saying no, I gave her a choice of either being with me and trying to fix us or not. She said even though she loves me and cares for me and always will, she can't be together right now because of the fights we had. So I told her we shouldn't talk for a while at least until I'm ready. While it sucks right now, I know this is best in the long run.

 

Just felt the need to post this, thanks for all the support from you guys.

[Toddbt12y1]

Good, very good.

 

Best thing you could have ever done for yourself. Just stick with it. Her feelings clearly changed down the line. Still, they do not appear to have changed since the last change.

 

This will be a good perspective for you.

[newenglandkid]

Guys I need your help.

 

I found out today she's "talking" with another guy. It's been a month post BU.

 

I just can't believe she would be that quick to jump to somebody else after a year and a half. Guys I need help, I'm really down and need something to hang my hat on...

[Lizie29]

Guys I need your help.

 

I found out today she's "talking" with another guy. It's been a month post BU.

 

I just can't believe she would be that quick to jump to somebody else after a year and a half. Guys I need help, I'm really down and need something to hang my hat on...

 

I know how that feels ! She is probably just trying to move on and get her mind off you , she will soon realise that rebound is not the best thing to do . My ex bf is doing the same to me right now . The best thing u can do is show her that u are fine with it even if deep down u are not at all . Dont plead or beg it's the worse thing u can do cause that is probably what she wants . Focus on you and try to do things that will make u feel good and happy keep yourself busy . I know it is not easy to do and that u probably feel like telling her

"How can u do that to me " but DONT ! Be strong . U will be proud at the end !

[newenglandkid]

I know how that feels ! She is probably just trying to move on and get her mind off you , she will soon realise that rebound is not the best thing to do . My ex bf is doing the same to me right now . The best thing u can do is show her that u are fine with it even if deep down u are not at all . Dont plead or beg it's the worse thing u can do cause that is probably what she wants . Focus on you and try to do things that will make u feel good and happy keep yourself busy . I know it is not easy to do and that u probably feel like telling her

"How can u do that to me " but DONT ! Be strong . U will be proud at the end !

 

 

Thanks that does help, I do think that she's entering a rebound relationship and generally I know those don't last too long. But still it's just the thought of her leaving me (when I treated her like a queen) and thinking that she could find someone better just has really shaken me

[somegoodman]

Shouldn't have responded to her at all. Never answer her questions after she's thrown you out.

 

Make no mistake, that guy was the REASON she dumped you, all else is a smokescreen. He's been in the picture longer than you realize.

 

Anyway you'll never have her as long as you're wanting her. Your only play is to disappear completely, like you just dropped off the face of the earth. After some time you may be able to get her in bed again, as long as you can act like she means nothing to you and you don't want her anymore. But that's a long way off so just focus on detaching from her.

[Lizie29]

Thanks that does help, I do think that she's entering a rebound relationship and generally I know those don't last too long. But still it's just the thought of her leaving me (when I treated her like a queen) and thinking that she could find someone better just has really shaken me

 

I know it's one of the worse feeling ever , i did everything for my ex bf .. But you know sometimes doing to much is like doing not enough . The best thing you can do is go no contact or else she will just keep on messing with your head . There is a reason why she asked you if u were seeing someone .. Cause she knew that SHE was ! She was doing projection just to test you ! Dont get into thoes mind games it is not worth it trust me . I had a feeling when my ex left me that he was seeing someone a month after but he denied it and kept telling me that he loved me missed me and it goes on and on .. One night i drove buy his house that was "are house " a the time... And oops who was there with him ... A girl sitting in the living room . Trust me u dont need that drama and all thoes lies .. If she can do that to you right now she can sure do some other stuff that will just hurt you even more . Dont sit there and wait for her to come back .. Cause yes maybee she will but there is chances she wont .. And if she ever does would u really want her back after she went with that other guy ? That guy is a rebound i agree but if she comes back you will be one 2 ! U derserve way better im pretty sure

[newenglandkid]

Shouldn't have responded to her at all. Never answer her questions after she's thrown you out.

 

Make no mistake, that guy was the REASON she dumped you, all else is a smokescreen. He's been in the picture longer than you realize.

 

Anyway you'll never have her as long as you're wanting her. Your only play is to disappear completely, like you just dropped off the face of the earth. After some time you may be able to get her in bed again, as long as you can act like she means nothing to you and you don't want her anymore. But that's a long way off so just focus on detaching from her.

 

 

Yeah Idk I don't wanna think that is the case (guy in picture while we were dating) but at this point anything is possible. I'm trying to detach from her as best I can, but days like today just make it really tough.

 

BTW did you mean back or bed lol

[Bumping in my trunk]

lol never take drunk calls or texts. And if you do try to be calm about it

[somegoodman]

Yeah Idk I don't wanna think that is the case (guy in picture while we were dating) but at this point anything is possible. I'm trying to detach from her as best I can, but days like today just make it really tough.

 

BTW did you mean back or bed lol

 

 

 

I meant bed. You don't get her "back", she lost that privilege when she left you.

[newenglandkid]

I meant bed. You don't get her "back", she lost that privilege when she left you.

 

 

I hope you guys are right, as badly as she treated me I thought we had something special and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take her back down the line.

[somegoodman]

I hope you guys are right, as badly as she treated me I thought we had something special and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take her back down the line.

 

 

 

Here's the problem: even if she did come back and you accepted her, she will see it as a nice quality of forgiveness on your part, but deep in her subconscious she will resent you for not respecting yourself enough to tell her to **** off. She'll think that she is the best you can do and that will kill any attraction she had for you.

 

 

Sucks, but that's the nature of the beast. Human nature, it is ugly but predictable. Harden up to reality and be the best man you can be, that's all one can do.

[Bumping in my trunk]

 

In those three weeks I have been a wreck, and I have tried NC but she has texted me, and snapchat me, in which I respond (I know, breadcrumbs). I just don't know what to do, part of me realizes that she treated me poorly and I should just move on, but the other part of me wants to try like hell to get her back and see if she is willing to be more open about things which would lead to less arguments.

 

 

Block her. Or at least tell her politely that you need to move on.

[newenglandkid]

Block her. Or at least tell her politely that you need to move on.

 

 

Yeah, I've deleted pretty much all social media sites and go ghost for the next few weeks. I think I really need this to get myself better.

 

I just wish I didn't feel like this, I either want her back or want to completely forget about her because this sucks, this feeling is absolutely terrible.