JRico Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 What helps me a lot to keep going NC is questioning myself... would I be able to get back with her even if she wanted? The answer is no, for me, a relationship is based in trust and i don't trust her anymore... she hurt me more than anyone in my life. At first it was hard to keep NC, deleted her from every thing I could and deleted her cell number, right now... i don't want to see her cause it could bring weak moments again. Just think this, you have a future without here, probably a better one. The relationship you two had is over and what would come would be a new one with all the problems you already had... no honeymoon phase. Do you really want that? In my weak moments when my heart betrays me and wins to my mind i repeat to me all of this so logic can win the battle. I won't "lose" myself or my future for her nor any other person. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Yeah that makes sense, idk I'm still just in a state of shock and depressed that she could find someone that quickly (even if they are only "talking") Guys am I overreacting or is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
Alex_Stoner Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Here's the problem: even if she did come back and you accepted her, she will see it as a nice quality of forgiveness on your part, but deep in her subconscious she will resent you for not respecting yourself enough to tell her to **** off. She'll think that she is the best you can do and that will kill any attraction she had for you. Sucks, but that's the nature of the beast. Human nature, it is ugly but predictable. Harden up to reality and be the best man you can be, that's all one can do. Really powerful and true words!! So good for the OP and for everybody who has been through something similar Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 I'm just having so much trouble understanding what's going on. Monday night we had a great conversation about everything that was wrong with our relationship and how we could fix it. She agreed with everything and we had a really good conversation that got me hopeful. She told me she still loves me cares about me, I'm in her mind all the time, but she can't be with me right now because things were "bad" towards the end. I get that I don't get how she can "meet" a guy already (2 weeks post BU). I want to keep telling myself that it's just a rebound, but not all rebounds end right? Now I'm starting to question about the conversation we had monday, if she really meant everything she said. Like I've said in this post, I think we are meant to be. I just think right now she's in a different point in her life then I am. Which is funny because were only about 7 months apart in age. I hope though that once she dates this guy (which I know is inevitable) she'll realize that I was there for her whenever she needed me. This guy lives an hour away, how can he be there for her except on the weekends? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 You need to stop having conversations for her. Completely counterproductive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 You need to stop having conversations for her. Completely counterproductive. Ya I have stopped conversing with her since she told me about the other guy. Until that rebound fails, I'll keep living my life and keeping up NC. Hopefully she comes back at some point Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Ya I have stopped conversing with her since she told me about the other guy. Until that rebound fails, I'll keep living my life and keeping up NC. Hopefully she comes back at some point You keep up NC no matter what. If you are checking up on her "rebound" -- which could last years for all you know -- then you aren't in NC. NC means knowing nothing of what she's doing and you should keep it even if she's single. Even if her current relationship fails, that is not a good reason for you to break NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 You keep up NC no matter what. If you are checking up on her "rebound" -- which could last years for all you know -- then you aren't in NC. NC means knowing nothing of what she's doing and you should keep it even if she's single. Even if her current relationship fails, that is not a good reason for you to break NC. Ya, I've made the proper steps to establish a clean slate of NC. Haven't actually talked to her since Wednesday, but have been checking FB/Twitter/Instagram until tonight. I deleted all those things off my phone and even had my brother change all my passwords and not tell me. That way even when I'm the most tempted to check up on her, I can't. I want to say I'm going to do this for at least a month, but who knows it could be sooner then that or later. I'm going to judge that by how I am feeling and preparing myself for finding out the absolute worst. Does that sound like a good plan? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Ya, I've made the proper steps to establish a clean slate of NC. Haven't actually talked to her since Wednesday, but have been checking FB/Twitter/Instagram until tonight. I deleted all those things off my phone and even had my brother change all my passwords and not tell me. That way even when I'm the most tempted to check up on her, I can't. I want to say I'm going to do this for at least a month, but who knows it could be sooner then that or later. I'm going to judge that by how I am feeling and preparing myself for finding out the absolute worst. Does that sound like a good plan? Putting a time limit on No Contact is a terrible plan. You do No Contact until you are healed and it doesn't affect your life one way or another if she comes back. Your plan sucks -- it's basically trying to wait her out and checking in on her in a month. If you go NC, you have to go the full monty -- No Contact until healed, which will take several months minimum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Hey guys so I'm in kind of a bind here on what to do. One of the exs friends boyfriends passed away the other day in a horrible car accident. We had been out on double dates with them and I actually had a few nice talks with the guy. She messaged me late tonight letting me know this, and how it's putting things in perspective for her. She also apologized for giving up on us and saying she misses me and will care for me and wanted me to know that. I know NC says I shouldn't text her back, but this has to be the exception right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Putting a time limit on No Contact is a terrible plan. You do No Contact until you are healed and it doesn't affect your life one way or another if she comes back. Your plan sucks -- it's basically trying to wait her out and checking in on her in a month. If you go NC, you have to go the full monty -- No Contact until healed, which will take several months minimum. Yes that makes sense Simon Phenoix. I agree with your post thinking about it now, I really can't put a number on it. Instead it's based off how I feel, which like you said could take a few months. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Hey guys so I'm in kind of a bind here on what to do. One of the exs friends boyfriends passed away the other day in a horrible car accident. We had been out on double dates with them and I actually had a few nice talks with the guy. She messaged me late tonight letting me know this, and how it's putting things in perspective for her. She also apologized for giving up on us and saying she misses me and will care for me and wanted me to know that. I know NC says I shouldn't text her back, but this has to be the exception right? Some direct quotes from her text to make it easier to understand: " Also, it just makes me really appreciate life... It just really puts things in perspective. " "So I wanted to tell you I am sorry for how everything ended.... I'm sorry I gave up on you and us. And I appreciate you being there for me and being in my life.. I miss you a lot and still care about you and I wanted you to know that." Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Some direct quotes from her text to make it easier to understand: " Also, it just makes me really appreciate life... It just really puts things in perspective. " "So I wanted to tell you I am sorry for how everything ended.... I'm sorry I gave up on you and us. And I appreciate you being there for me and being in my life.. I miss you a lot and still care about you and I wanted you to know that." No, you should not message her back. She didn't say that she wanted you back. I miss you does not not equal "I made a mistake and I want you back." If you notice, she apologizes for breaking up with you, but she never says that it was the wrong thing to do. She wants you to forgive her so she doesn't feel as bad about breaking your heart. It's self-serving. I mean, you've invented so many reasons to break No Contact and suck up to her already, and here you are inventing another one. If you really want to express your condolences, text your ex's friend, not your ex. You really need to stop coming up with scenarios to dodge NC and prolong your healing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 No, you should not message her back. She didn't say that she wanted you back. I miss you does not not equal "I made a mistake and I want you back." If you notice, she apologizes for breaking up with you, but she never says that it was the wrong thing to do. She wants you to forgive her so she doesn't feel as bad about breaking your heart. It's self-serving. I mean, you've invented so many reasons to break No Contact and suck up to her already, and here you are inventing another one. If you really want to express your condolences, text your ex's friend, not your ex. You really need to stop coming up with scenarios to dodge NC and prolong your healing. Does everyone agree with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 She also now wants to meet up at some point to talk...no indication about what, she just said "to meet up" Do I respond? Do I go? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 She also now wants to meet up at some point to talk...no indication about what, she just said "to meet up" Do I respond? Do I go? I don't recommend going. My ex wanted to meet up with me once after our breakup. He wanted to take me to lunch, and I had a bad feeling about going. I still wanted him back at that point, so I met up with him. It made me feel so much worse because really just wanted to catch up and be friendly. He would say things like, "It might work in the future," "I miss you so much," ect. The typical breadcrumbs that get your mind spinning. Going to lunch with him reminded me of what we no longer had, and it made me feel awful, while it probably made him feel great. There are so many stories on LS that are similar. You will never get over your ex if you still keep in contact. The quicker you accept that fact, the better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Some direct quotes from her text to make it easier to understand: " Also, it just makes me really appreciate life... It just really puts things in perspective. " "So I wanted to tell you I am sorry for how everything ended.... I'm sorry I gave up on you and us. And I appreciate you being there for me and being in my life.. I miss you a lot and still care about you and I wanted you to know that." Those are breadcrumbs to alleviate her guilt. Trust me. I've gotten many similar crumbs, and it's got very little to do with you. It's more like the dumper wants to tie things up in a bow and peace out on a good note. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Those are breadcrumbs to alleviate her guilt. Trust me. I've gotten many similar crumbs, and it's got very little to do with you. It's more like the dumper wants to tie things up in a bow and peace out on a good note. I asked why she wanted to meet up, she said because she lost a close friend in an accident the other night and she has been crying uncontrollably and thinks talkin to me about it would help. I know I know I should stay NC, but I feel like I should see her just to help her with this situation...thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I asked why she wanted to meet up, she said because she lost a close friend in an accident the other night and she has been crying uncontrollably and thinks talkin to me about it would help. I know I know I should stay NC, but I feel like I should see her just to help her with this situation...thoughts? So you feel like you should hurt yourself to help her? You feel that you should suffer a setback to help her in a time of need? I'm sure she has other friends and family that will help her. It's not your place any longer to be her shoulder to cry on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I asked why she wanted to meet up, she said because she lost a close friend in an accident the other night and she has been crying uncontrollably and thinks talkin to me about it would help. I know I know I should stay NC, but I feel like I should see her just to help her with this situation...thoughts? My thoughts are that she's using you as an emotional tampon. She's dating someone else -- he is who she should be going to with such issues. She's using you for emotional support while giving him the physical loving. You're getting the short end of the stick in this deal, but you are too afraid to make a stand for yourself by going NC. It doesn't matter what we think because, for whatever reason, you don't have the resolve and self-respect to go NC at this time and you aren't going to listen to us anyway. You haven't so far. You're just going to continue to be her shoulder to cry on as you have since the break. Good luck and have fun with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Absolutely furious right now..told her we could meet later after my games, sure enough after my games she tells me it's ok sorry to bother you. **** HER. Can't believe I put myself in that position, here I was trying to be a decent human being and help her in a bad situation and I get burned like this. Just shows me how selfish she is. Beyond furious, going FULL NC!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 Also, I told her the other day that we shouldn't talk for a little while, she understood... was it smart of me to tell her this, or should I have left her in the dark about going NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Also, I told her the other day that we shouldn't talk for a little while, she understood... was it smart of me to tell her this, or should I have left her in the dark about going NC? You should have just gone NC, but ultimately it's not a big deal either way. Though now that you told her you were going NC you can't break it. Not only are you setting yourself up for further hurt and anguish, but it makes your NC attempt look like a con or a hustle to try to manipulate her. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Absolutely furious right now..told her we could meet later after my games, sure enough after my games she tells me it's ok sorry to bother you. **** HER. Can't believe I put myself in that position, here I was trying to be a decent human being and help her in a bad situation and I get burned like this. Just shows me how selfish she is. Beyond furious, going FULL NC!!!! It's not about being a decent human being. It's about protecting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Also, I told her the other day that we shouldn't talk for a little while, she understood... was it smart of me to tell her this, or should I have left her in the dark about going NC? I think you should have just gone NC, but, now that you have told her your intentions, it's a credibility issue if you don't keep it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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