Having trouble post BU [updates]

[newenglandkid]

Guys I'm not feeling good after last night. I went to the wake of a mutual friend of ours who passed away, gave my respects to the family and GF (who is best friends with the ex). Afterwards I began thinking about life, and how short it is and appreciating the people we have in our life's.

 

So I decide to text my ex and see how she's doing (she's been a wreck since the passing). Of course she was very upset, and I told her the same kind of thing I just mentioned above: life is short, appreciate who and what you have etc. then I said if she ever needs to talk or whatever I'll be here for you.

 

Last night it absolutely felt like the right thing to do. But waking up today I just feel her absence even more and wish she was back in my life. I want to think that last night was positive, but idk. Was it a wrong decision?

[BC1980]

Guys I'm not feeling good after last night. I went to the wake of a mutual friend of ours who passed away, gave my respects to the family and GF (who is best friends with the ex). Afterwards I began thinking about life, and how short it is and appreciating the people we have in our life's.

 

So I decide to text my ex and see how she's doing (she's been a wreck since the passing). Of course she was very upset, and I told her the same kind of thing I just mentioned above: life is short, appreciate who and what you have etc. then I said if she ever needs to talk or whatever I'll be here for you.

 

Last night it absolutely felt like the right thing to do. But waking up today I just feel her absence even more and wish she was back in my life. I want to think that last night was positive, but idk. Was it a wrong decision?

 

You really need to stop talking to her. I understand that you think it's the right thing to do, an you are being a good person. But I don't think those rules necessarily apply after a breakup. You are trying to be the bigger person at the expense of your healing, and I don't think that is the right decision. You can always find some reason to break NC, but the truth is that the person chose to walk their own path. I personally don't even think a death is a good enough reason to talk to my ex.

[newenglandkid]

You really need to stop talking to her. I understand that you think it's the right thing to do, an you are being a good person. But I don't think those rules necessarily apply after a breakup. You are trying to be the bigger person at the expense of your healing, and I don't think that is the right decision. You can always find some reason to break NC, but the truth is that the person chose to walk their own path. I personally don't even think a death is a good enough reason to talk to my ex.

 

 

Yeah, she was/is my first true love and it's just really hard to let her go. I totally understand what your saying because if I didn't contact her I'm sure I wouldn't feel this bad today. I'm just worried now what to do if/when she tries talking to me, because just last night I told her Id be there for her if she needs to talk, but I know that's not healthy for my coping (even though I want her back).

[BC1980]

Yeah, she was/is my first true love and it's just really hard to let her go. I totally understand what your saying because if I didn't contact her I'm sure I wouldn't feel this bad today. I'm just worried now what to do if/when she tries talking to me, because just last night I told her Id be there for her if she needs to talk, but I know that's not healthy for my coping (even though I want her back).

 

I said something like that to my ex, and I doubt he even remembers at this point. Personally, I wouldn't talk to her again because that is what it will eventually come to. She's only talking to you because it's familiar. I know that's harsh, but it's true. She's trying to transition out of the relationship, so don't let her use you to do that. My ex did the exact same thing, and it ends up being this long painful, protracted breakup.

[Simon Phoenix]

Guys I'm not feeling good after last night. I went to the wake of a mutual friend of ours who passed away, gave my respects to the family and GF (who is best friends with the ex). Afterwards I began thinking about life, and how short it is and appreciating the people we have in our life's.

 

So I decide to text my ex and see how she's doing (she's been a wreck since the passing). Of course she was very upset, and I told her the same kind of thing I just mentioned above: life is short, appreciate who and what you have etc. then I said if she ever needs to talk or whatever I'll be here for you.

 

Last night it absolutely felt like the right thing to do. But waking up today I just feel her absence even more and wish she was back in my life. I want to think that last night was positive, but idk. Was it a wrong decision?

 

Yes, it was the wrong decision. You basically showed that your word means absolutely nothing. But honestly, it's clear that you are going to keep doing stuff like this until you are sick and tired of dragging yourself through the mud. I guess you haven't had your fill yet.

[newenglandkid]

Yes, it was the wrong decision. You basically showed that your word means absolutely nothing. But honestly, it's clear that you are going to keep doing stuff like this until you are sick and tired of dragging yourself through the mud. I guess you haven't had your fill yet.

 

 

3 days strong of NC, seems small to you guys, but for me it's pretty big. I've had moments (like right now) that I want to text her and see what she's doing, but I've been good and haven't responded.

 

In fact last night she liked a picture I put up (which I thought was odd but whatevs), so idk what her thought process was there.

 

Here's to more days of NC!

[JahnJahn]

Its not the fact that its 3 days or 1 day, its the fact that you continuously break NC for no reason at all.

 

You do not seem to want to heal or actually hang onto the advice you are given. No one here wants to see you suffer or lose your "love". They want you to find happiness and appreciate yourself and your worth... This girl does not value you but worst of all you do not value yourself. There are women/girls out there who will truly love you and value you, it might seem like an eternity away but do not focus on that, just enjoy your life and try and better yourself. Work on habits that you think ended your past relationship.

 

We all struggle with NC, but most try to muster the will power to not break contact. There is even a thread where you can just post what you wanted to your ex instead of actually initiating contact.

 

Trust me when I say the more days go past, the easier not calling or texting them will be.

 

You will get there eventually, people here are just trying to minimize your hurt but if you are fine having your heart torn apart often then you will ultimately always keep contact until like SP said, you get fed up etc by then, you will be emotionally drained.

 

I personally still trust and have hope that you can maintain NC, but you yourself should trust yourself enough to be able to not feed this girls ego.

[BC1980]

3 days strong of NC, seems small to you guys, but for me it's pretty big. I've had moments (like right now) that I want to text her and see what she's doing, but I've been good and haven't responded.

 

In fact last night she liked a picture I put up (which I thought was odd but whatevs), so idk what her thought process was there.

 

Here's to more days of NC!

 

First, I would block her. I assume you mean she liked a picture of you on FB. Blocking removes the person from your immediate sphere of existence. She needs to be removed several times over from being able to have any contact with you.

 

Second, 3 days is great. Most people who continually break NC end up getting so frustrated and hurt that they go NC as a last resort. That is essentially what happened to me. There were simply no other options after 4 months of allowing myself to be tortured, and, yes, I did allow it because I refused to take the advice of everyone who said go NC.

 

We can give you advice, but it's up to you to take it. Some people have to learn the hard way, but I will tell you that you won't forget it once you learn it through such a protracted, intense pain. You will be so determined at that point that literally nothing would cause you to break NC.

[newenglandkid]

Hey guys, so I'm at a week of NC and at times it is easy (afternoons/nights) but mornings ARE SO ROUGH! I have to come on here and read some threads by Barky and others to convince myself not to contact her! But yeah, since last my last post nothing has happened with the ex, haven't kept tabs on her social media pages or whatever and I feel like that is helping a lot.

 

Tomorrow is going to be rough (at least I think it will be) because it would have been our 18 month anniversary, I'm not sure if she will try to contact me tomorrow or not. How do you guys think I should handle it, if she decides to contact me?

[FortunateSon]

If she contacts you, do not respond. You are doing well, keep it going. Keep in mind, it is NOT your 18 months anniversary, you are NOT together...it is just another day.

[newenglandkid]

Right, I figured so but I wasn't sure what would be the right move here especially if I want to reconcile with her in the future..

[BC1980]

Hey guys, so I'm at a week of NC and at times it is easy (afternoons/nights) but mornings ARE SO ROUGH! I have to come on here and read some threads by Barky and others to convince myself not to contact her! But yeah, since last my last post nothing has happened with the ex, haven't kept tabs on her social media pages or whatever and I feel like that is helping a lot.

 

Tomorrow is going to be rough (at least I think it will be) because it would have been our 18 month anniversary, I'm not sure if she will try to contact me tomorrow or not. How do you guys think I should handle it, if she decides to contact me?

 

I doubt she will contact you, but definitely don't respond. Not responding will have no bearing on reconciliation.

[Simon Phoenix]

Right, I figured so but I wasn't sure what would be the right move here especially if I want to reconcile with her in the future..

 

This is the same logic you always use, and where has it gotten you? You not responding would not affect a potential reconciliation one iota. If anything, it would give her some respect for you, because you have shown very little backbone throughout this entire thing.

 

Plus, the there is no anniversary because there is no relationship.

[newenglandkid]

This is the same logic you always use, and where has it gotten you? You not responding would not affect a potential reconciliation one iota. If anything, it would give her some respect for you, because you have shown very little backbone throughout this entire thing.

 

Plus, the there is no anniversary because there is no relationship.

 

jeez I thought I did alright this week by not contacting her and not looking at her instagram etc.

 

I see your point though Simon

[Simon Phoenix]

jeez I thought I did alright this week by not contacting her and not looking at her instagram etc.

 

I see your point though Simon

 

You did fine, but you have to keep it up for the long haul. No Contact for a week doesn't do squat, No Contact needs to be done until healed, which takes months. But yeah, you responding wouldn't help reconciliation -- it would just show that you are still the puppy on the leash. And that's not the least bit attractive.

[newenglandkid]

Yeah that makes sense Simon, even though this week has felt like ages I know it's not that much at all. As they say Rome want built in a day (I think that's how it goes lol).

 

Simon have you had any experience with NC? What was your experience like? Did your Ex end up coming back or no?

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah that makes sense Simon, even though this week has felt like ages I know it's not that much at all. As they say Rome want built in a day (I think that's how it goes lol).

 

Simon have you had any experience with NC? What was your experience like? Did your Ex end up coming back or no?

 

Some have, some haven't, but that's not the point of NC. NC is to get you back, not to wait out your ex. Your ex is with someone else, staying in contact is basically ramming your head into a brick wall for no reason. You need to go No Contact for a couple reasons a) to take a deep breath and get your head straight and b) get to a point where you don't need the other person to feel content in your life. No Contact is about moving forward without the other person, though sometimes that moving forward makes them more likely to check up on you. That's certainly not a guarantee though.

 

You talk ad nauseum about wanting a second chance. The thing is, it's not your call. It's up to her and her alone whether or not she gives you a second chance and there's nothing you say can or do to manipulate or trigger that. In fact, the only thing you can really do is kill your chances, which your neediness and clingyness and "being there" in her friend zone is doing and will continue to do. It's not the least bit manly or attractive. You have go to No Contact because your contact does nothing to help your cause. So do it, embrace it, and stick to it. If you do it correctly, you won't be concerned about whether she comes back or not. You'll be fine either way.

 

To be crude and slightly sexist, you need to get your balls back. And No Contact will help do that, as long as you use it to your advantage. Don't sit there like a pud hoping she'll call and text -- be active and fill your time. Hang out with friends, make new friends, start a project, join a club, take a trip. Do anything besides moping around like a sad bastard hoping your ex will call. There will be times you'll be sad, but don't go out of your way to be sad.

[newenglandkid]

I hear everything your saying Simon and your right. Friend zone/being there isn't the best thing if I want to get back together. NC IS THE ONLY WAY. I went and talked to some old friends that I haven't seen in a while because I was with my ex, and they said you should NEVER beg someone to be with you, THEY SHOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

 

That was sort of the slap in the face I needed. I'd rather be alone, then have to try and convince someone to love me. I know I've been wishy washy the past few days/weeks, but after tonight I'm pretty certain the only way I'll talk to my ex again, is if she comes at me with the "I want to get back together" message. I'm done wasting my time hoping and wishing she comes back, I'm not going to settle for someone who I need to convince to stay with me.

 

The memories we have will never fade, I'll cherish those for the rest of my life. But I think tonight is where I take that first step into moving on.

 

Thanks Simon, in some of your posts I thought you were being hard and a bit harsh, but your just being brutally honest which is what us dumpees need!

 

Listen to Simon folks, go NC and continue living your life!!

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear everything your saying Simon and your right. Friend zone/being there isn't the best thing if I want to get back together. NC IS THE ONLY WAY. I went and talked to some old friends that I haven't seen in a while because I was with my ex, and they said you should NEVER beg someone to be with you, THEY SHOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

 

That was sort of the slap in the face I needed. I'd rather be alone, then have to try and convince someone to love me. I know I've been wishy washy the past few days/weeks, but after tonight I'm pretty certain the only way I'll talk to my ex again, is if she comes at me with the "I want to get back together" message. I'm done wasting my time hoping and wishing she comes back, I'm not going to settle for someone who I need to convince to stay with me.

 

The memories we have will never fade, I'll cherish those for the rest of my life. But I think tonight is where I take that first step into moving on.

 

Thanks Simon, in some of your posts I thought you were being hard and a bit harsh, but your just being brutally honest which is what us dumpees need!

 

Listen to Simon folks, go NC and continue living your life!!

 

That's the way you have to see it. Also, don't ever put your friends completely on the backburner for a relationship. You don't want to put all your eggs in that basket -- a relationship should add to who you are, not be the sole purpose for your life. That's how you become codependent. Just try to balance your time better on the next one.

Edited July 1, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[newenglandkid]

Dude so funny you said that, I'm just learning about codependency and how unbalanced my relationship was (through my therapist). Like others have said, I'm starting to realize that this may have been a blessing in disguise and has given me the opportunity to reevaluate myself and how I want my future relationships to turn out.

[JahnJahn]

Dude so funny you said that, I'm just learning about codependency and how unbalanced my relationship was (through my therapist). Like others have said, I'm starting to realize that this may have been a blessing in disguise and has given me the opportunity to reevaluate myself and how I want my future relationships to turn out.

 

Remember this next time you think about breaking NC. We all need to grow and non of us need an anchor weighing us down.

 

As time goes on, you will realise how much of a better person you could be if you are not shackled by the past. The moment I started referring my ex and my past relationship in past tense, was when I started to feel much better about my future and things to come.

[newenglandkid]

Hey guys quick update...it had been 8 days of NC, until the other night she texted me asking which one of my friends is getting married. I didn't respond because I was going out with friends, And throughout the night she texted again saying helllooooo.

 

4 hours after initial text I let her know who's getting married. After about five mins of small talk we end up going to bed, before I let her go I tell her I have a concert tix to sell if she knows anybody that wants it.

 

So the next morningg I get an email from her saying that she knows someone who wants it. And throughout the entire day we are emailing in a friendly sort of way (like we used to when we were dating), and eventually settle on a price and where to meet.

 

So I meet up with her friend and her after work and I had butterfly's in my stomach when I saw her. I tried keeping the mood light, cracked a few jokes which they both laughed at. I only stayed for a few moments before leaving.

 

After I left, it made me miss her more. It reassured me that those feelings are still there for her.

 

So fastforward to later that night and she let's me know that I looked/acted differently earlier. So I tell her oh really? I had changed up my hair style a bit, and have been in the gym like crazy since the BU. Then she tells me that I Looked really good

 

From there we were on the phone for about 2 hours, but did not go into our RS, BU, etc. just about work, hobbies and other stuff.

 

So that's where I am now. I know I broke NC and what not, but it was good talking and seeing her the other day. I guess the one thing that I have changed about myself is being less dependent on her, like I'm not sitting and waiting for her to text or call me. I realize that it's on her to do that, since right after the BU I told her how I truly felt about her, and if she were ever to think about getting back together it would be on her.

 

I just felt the need to write all this out (and hear how bad I messed up from LS )

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, like I said in the other thread, you're basically sabotaging yourself with this crap. You keep banging your head against the wall for no reason. But hey, maybe you need to be smacked in the face with a 2x4 emotionally several hundred times before you get it. I don't know man, either way, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different solution. What you are doing is pretty much insanity. But you're going to do what you are going to do no matter what. We can't give you strength and self-respect -- if you don't want to have it or exhibit it, there's nothing we can do.

 

So good luck. If you keep doing this stuff, you're going to need a lot of it.