The last gasp....

[North Shore]

Having been lovelorn and lonely for the past 8 months, I believe I have finally heard the last gasp of breath and death rattle of my heartbreak.

 

My ex and I talk occasionally. We don't ever really talk about our relationship etc. But I feel the need to say some things. So I am sending the following email as my last act of closure and I would like to know some opinions on it - whether it be the giving of said email or the recieving of it. My intention is to let him know that I care about him and always will but I have moved on.

 

As follows:

 

While I don't normally participte in the vaccuous fraud that is Valentine's Day, I've decided to use it as an excuse to say a couple of things that our sporadic phone conversations have not really allowed for. Don't be scared!

 

I know in my head that us not seeing each other was the best thing for both of us. You had some things you needed to deal with - and so did I. You've told me that things are much better with you and I hope that it's true. I hated that I couldn't make things better for you. I've only ever wanted you to be happy. Or at least content.

 

That said, my heart still wishes that things could have been different for us. I meant everything I told you in my last letter way back when. Sometimes hindsight and distance changes our perception of how we really felt but that has not been the case for me. Distance and hindsight have only served to show me that how I felt about you was very real.

 

I hope that you have found some measure of peace. I hope you're happy and well and loved. And if you're ever feeling down, remember that there's someone somewhere pulling for you. After all this time you still remain a part of my life - even if you don't know it.

 

So Happy Valentine's Day.

And if you're seeing somebody, buy her some flowers or something will ya. Holiday or not, and no matter what any woman claims, we're all suckers for flowers.

 

Always,

 

So any thoughts??????????

[No Foolin]

Your lonely because your afraid to be alone. refer my "guide to the long walk". People when comfortable do not change. You have the greatest opportunity in your life right here, right now! You are in pain you are at threshold. People only change when their in pain.

 

You are human and because of that fact the future is wide open. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX!!!!!!!! Everyday you do this you are slowly killing your days. "that dog will not hunt".

[North Shore]

I think you're missing the point, No Foolin.

 

My ex and I did NC for months but we've been talking for awhile. During this I have gone from "moving on" to "moved on". I know that we won't get back together. And I'm okay with that.

 

The point of the email was to let him know that I really did love him, I care about him still, and I wish him well. It's not an attempt to iniate contact, it's a goodbye. I have no intention of allowing contact to continue. But before I stop answering his calls I wanted him to know that there is no ill will behind it.

 

I've never been afraid of being alone. I've made it a point to intentionally be alone rather than with just anybody. My lonliness was a symptom of missing him specifically. And while I do still miss him in some ways, I am no longer lonely for him.

 

P.S.

I'd still like to know peoples' impression of the email though.

[emotionsmessmeup]

i dont think u shud send this email/letter..

its still shows u feel the need to say something to him/her

let it go

[No Foolin]

You make good points and are well written. From reading your "last e-mail" to your ex, I don't see how this is going to help you. Questions: How will you feel if he doesn't write back? What will you think if he tells you he has a new girl? What if for some odd reason he opens a can of whup **s on you? You love him, you miss him, all very natural. Even if we don't want to make light of it we all love our last ex to some degree. Contact is like poison. That's why many of us avoid it like the plauge.

 

Yes, I was forward in making assumptions regarding your loneliness (I'm a guy what do you want LOL) my bad.

 

 

keep your chin up

[upsetnhurt]

Agree with No foolin as writing this email certainly comes with expectations of a return email and you will only be setting yourself up for disappointment. (You might disagree yet deep down you know this to be true). If you can be honest with yourself and realize he probably won't be as nice with a reply or even will disregard it completely, I would probably send it. I think you wrote a very warm email and it touched me and I don't even know you. I would take out the last paragraph about "seeing somebody" as it rubbed me the wrong way for some reason. You have a good heart I can tell and he is the loser here I am sure. My ex is the loser in our relationship and although we email I will not be sending a valentine's email. She knows how I feel about her already and knows that I will always care for her. Best of luck.

[DinNJ]

this email = "I want you back and would give anything to have you back because I need you back" regardless of the actual words in it.

[aarsky]

North Shore,

 

I think what you have said in your email is beutiful. Im sure he knows you still love him but you are not in love with him. I wish I could write something like that to my ex, but everytime I try I mess up the words.

 

Im even still hoping that with time and space maybe theres still a chance my ex and I would one day find each other again, but thats just a dream.

 

Anyway, I loved your letter. Just wanted you to know that.

[North Shore]

Thanks for the feedback about the email itself. That's what I was looking for.

 

As for a response....LOL....if you only knew this guy and email you'd know that a response is NOT forthcoming. That's partly why I chose it as opposed to a letter or message - he answers those, not emails - and I don't need an answer. There is none to need.

 

I used to think that showing how you felt somehow made you weak - but it doesn't. What makes you weak is not expressing how you truly feel and suffering for it. Somebody either wants to be with you or they don't. Holding back or playing games to try to make things go your way doesn't change things - especially when what you're holding back is positive and loving.

 

He - quite obviously - does not want to be with me. I don't expect that to change because of an email. He's the kind of guy that moves on when it's required. I imagine that he's seeing somebody else and probably has been for awhile. I can't focus on that. I can only focus on me and what I need to do to finish the process of moving on. I don't think I could start another relationship without having first resolved what I need to regarding the last one. For me that includes letting him know that I will always feel something for him and that those feelings are good.

 

Whatever illusions I had about being together are long dissapated. He didn't love me then so he sure as hell doesn't love me now. He, as they say, just wasn't that into me.

 

Whether to send it or not is a moot discussion - I sent it before I even posted here. I was just curious to see what others thought about what it said.

 

Good luck to all those who are still in the throes of loved lost. As someone who is coming out the other end of it, I assure you you'll make it. And be better for it. It just won't feel that way for awhile.

[North Shore]

Originally posted by DinNJ

this email = "I want you back and would give anything to have you back because I need you back" regardless of the actual words in it.

 

You might be projecting here 'cause that ain't what I meant at all! LOL!

[Three of Swords]

Originally posted by North Shore

 

Good luck to all those who are still in the throes of loved lost. As someone who is coming out the other end of it, I assure you you'll make it. And be better for it. It just won't feel that way for awhile.

 

Promise???

 

Can you give me a guideline as to when please?

 

I am not sure I can take this utter devastating loneliness and wishing for something that can never be for much longer.

 

B.

[North Shore]

Three of Swords, my heart breaks for you. I've been where you are and am sure to be back there one day.

 

I wish there was some sort of tried and true timetable of healing. There isn't. But, yes, I promise that it will get better. The pain will fade and the world will not have ended.

 

I don't have any answers for you. The answer is for you to find. As much as the advice and support here help, no one is going to have 'the' answer. We all have something we're supposed to learn from what the universe puts in front of us. And when we learn it, the universe moves on to our next lesson. It's different for everybody.

[acidrein_08]

North Shore I think that it is a great email all except the last part about someone else. I don't think that was necassary. As you can see by my many post in the break up forum that I have been in a battle the past week over losing my girlfriend. But tonight I went to a Valentines Dinner at my church and it was fun then met up with some friends and went to play ball with a bunch of people and I have had a good night. I am still in love with my ex and would do anything to get her, but if it doesn't kill me I know one day I will find someone else. It hurts right now.

[ion]

When I read the letter, I heard someone who has gone thru a process which resulted in her finding herself in a place not totally familiar. The tone of the letter/email reflects this uncertainty and yet does acknowledge, it really is over, but more importantly still validates her own experience in the relationship. Perhaps somewhere along the way, you began to doubt your own feelings?

 

I think that part is the tricky part, acknowledging that it's over, the other person wanted it to end and when that happens, it's better for it to end. However, the balancing act becomes to understand how it does not negate your own feelings or experiences in the relationship.

 

That's my extrapolation of your letter and in that sense, I would lose the references to Valentine's day in the beginning and the end of the letter. Clearly, the day it was sent will not be lost on him.

 

Otherwise as your final act of closure, I hope it does the trick.

 

 

Originally posted by North Shore

Having been lovelorn and lonely for the past 8 months, I believe I have finally heard the last gasp of breath and death rattle of my heartbreak.

 

My ex and I talk occasionally. We don't ever really talk about our relationship etc. But I feel the need to say some things. So I am sending the following email as my last act of closure and I would like to know some opinions on it - whether it be the giving of said email or the recieving of it. My intention is to let him know that I care about him and always will but I have moved on.

 

As follows:

 

While I don't normally participte in the vaccuous fraud that is Valentine's Day, I've decided to use it as an excuse to say a couple of things that our sporadic phone conversations have not really allowed for. Don't be scared!

 

I know in my head that us not seeing each other was the best thing for both of us. You had some things you needed to deal with - and so did I. You've told me that things are much better with you and I hope that it's true. I hated that I couldn't make things better for you. I've only ever wanted you to be happy. Or at least content.

 

That said, my heart still wishes that things could have been different for us. I meant everything I told you in my last letter way back when. Sometimes hindsight and distance changes our perception of how we really felt but that has not been the case for me. Distance and hindsight have only served to show me that how I felt about you was very real.

 

I hope that you have found some measure of peace. I hope you're happy and well and loved. And if you're ever feeling down, remember that there's someone somewhere pulling for you. After all this time you still remain a part of my life - even if you don't know it.

 

So Happy Valentine's Day.

And if you're seeing somebody, buy her some flowers or something will ya. Holiday or not, and no matter what any woman claims, we're all suckers for flowers.

 

Always,

 

So any thoughts??????????

[KaiaMahina]

North Shore...beautiful.

 

I could write something akin to that to my ex, except that I'm too proud, and he is too undeserving. You at least have had some civilized contact with your ex, while I've gone those same 8 months without one kind word or even an acknowledgement from him that I'm still limping around the planet.

 

Funny, though, because Friday evening I continued doing what I've been doing for a few Fridays past. I go home, burn some dragon's blood incense (said to attract good luck or banish negative influences, depending on who you speak with) and then burn a white candle. I listen to music and let my mind wander, usually in search of the one I've been looking for lo! these many years (and who will certainly embody many of the same qualities I loved in my ex, who may have been, after all, only a "preview to coming attractions").

 

I usually feel quite peaceful and less lonely afterwards, although by Sunday evening the loneliness has returned like a hungry wolf at the door given that I've just spent 48 hours wanting to talk with someone, hold hands, make love, laugh and share, and have instead merely sat there alone marking off the time. But this last Friday evening was a little different.

 

I thought about him and was filled with the same longing and loneliness that I usually feel when I allow myself to think about him...and the anger. But this time, when I felt that anger, it suddenly spilled over into a sense of profound sadness. I suddenly felt that I didn't want to feel this way any more, and that I didn't want to feel that way toward him anymore. I love him, in some way, and I'm tired of being angry with him and hating him and ill wishing him. I felt that I wanted him to be okay, and that if he was happier without me, then so be it. But I wanted to be okay, too, and I wanted to be happy without him. I was told by someone that if I wanted to find my mate in this life, I needed to pray for the ex, wishing him happiness and all the things that I want for myself. My first thought was, "Bulls**t! That'll be the day."

 

I guess the day was last Friday. Cause I did it. I wished him happiness and peace of mind to go on to do whatever he needed to do without me. Because, stripped of the circumstances of what happened between us, if I knew him just as another human being and not as a man who had broken my heart, I couldn't wish anything but the best for him. No, I couldn't do that for every person who has hurt me in my life. Some of them are, quite simply, rotten s**ts no matter what the circumstances are. But somehow, some part of me could stand off from the injured part and truly say, I love him as a human being despite his failings and I wish him nothing but the best.

 

I still feel sad. What the hell? I'm still alone! There was no knock at my door immediately thereafter, with a handsome stranger standing on my threshold with a sign taped to his forehead reading "Your Soulmate, Courtesy of Your Good Deed in Sending Best Wishes to Your Ex." I'm not even really expecting anything from it, despite the advice given to me. It was just an odd, impulsive rush of emotion, purely and freely expressed. Hopefully I'll return to my vindictive, evil self at some point.

 

I felt that it was sufficient for me to "pray" for him, or to petition on his behalf, whether he actually needs it or not. As I said before, I would never write him a letter and express these sentiments to him because, despite my feelings of -- not forgiveness, exactly, but rather an odd sort of blessing in some sense -- his behavior doesn't warrant contact from me. And I have to assume that any contact from me would be unwelcome anyway, since he's the one who initiated the Great Silence. He doesn't need to know any of this if, indeed, my wishes for him are granted. He'll be just as happy.

 

Now, there's just a void. Nothing to look forward to in the future. But at least there is less to look back at in the past. I guess for right now I just have to settle for the present, as stark as it is.

 

North Shore, what do you say? Can we commute our sentence after 8 months at hard labor and take parole?

[No Foolin]

Hey kids happy valentines day. repetiton is the mother of all skill. Keep doing what you have been doing to get yourself straight. Nothing is perfect, we will get through this together. Do you know that most people fail before they get things right. The best base ball players have batting averages of .300 or something like that. That means that they strike out more than 70% of the time......These people are not failures. We all have worth regardless of circumstances. We are all doing the best we can.

 

No Foolin

[acidrein_08]

North I sent an email and poem to my ex today, and I feel really good about it. I could care less if she writes or calls, but I stated that same as you, that it was best we broke up. I have grown a lot in the past week, and even though i'm sure the hurt will return it hasn't yet, and i'm enjoying life like I always have. Continue to be strong everyone, and Happy Valentine's Day!

[North Shore]

Kaia,

 

It's not parole. It's time off for good behavior!

 

I'm glad that you've let go of your anger. I know I feel better for having cut some baggage loose. Although I must say I will miss your hilarious rants when in the throes of ex-hating!

 

Please don't think my current state of mind remarkable in any way. I, too, still feel sadness that he is not with me. I miss him and love him. Maybe it's just resignation on my part, I don't know. Maybe I've just been able to reconcile the two conflicting truths: I do love him and I can't be with him. Whatever it is, for the first time I feel like I have moved on. I have this strange sense of peace with it. I'm almost unnerved to not be unnerved.

 

The only glitch - if you can call it that - is my fear that he actually would respond. That's washed over me a couple of times today. I ranted recently that he always seems to show up just when I'm feeling okay. So fearing that he'd pop up just when I'm feeling the best I have in a year is not that far-fetched, you know?

 

So I shut all the phones off about 45 minutes ago - just in case. I have faith that I would handle it well at this point but ....Better safe than a puddle of goo.

 

You do a good thing, Kaia, sending blessings to the ex. I think it's true that get back what you put out there. Maybe that was what finally gave me my own peace of mind.

 

Hang in there everybody. Just think, no matter what happen in your relationship, no matter who they're seeing or not seeing now and no matter how lost you feel - you crossed the exes mind at least once and fleetingly today.

[aarsky]

My ex actually called me today out of the blue to wish me a happy valentines day. we talked for a bit, no mushy stuff, just a nice honest conversation. so it was nice.

[KaiaMahina]

Hey, North Shore. I guess it's just being "on the outside" which is making me jittery. You know how we jailbirds are. It's not easy to adapt to life outside prison. I feel as though I've just been assigned to a halfway house or work release and may be yanked back any minute.

 

Resignation. Yeah. That's it, I guess. I'm resigned that, despite what a very spooky psychic and my therapist have said, that he's not coming back and will never contact me in any meaningful way again.

 

Which is a shame. I can see how well we could have done together. He could, too. Maybe he feels worse than I do. Doubt it, though. He's not the type to deal with issues. He's got a rug the size of Russia that he sweeps dem old issues blues under. Which is why we are no longer together in the first place. Now our late relationship is under the rug with his dysfunctional family, his abusive ex-wife, his uncaring son, and all the other disappointments and rejections that he stuffs away and willfully ignores.

 

The anger that I was holding onto regarding him was precisely because of his inability (or unwillingness) to bloody do something about his sharp edges and missing bits and ugly secrets. That he was willing to sacrifice me rather than march into the fray and face things head on. I feel I'm worth the fight. His rejection of me, no matter what his reasons, dredged up all the nasty echoes of every rejection I've ever gotten in my life, and I've suffered. But I've also worked on this aspect of my dysfunctional bag of tricks. I'm not going to let it impact on having a good relationship with a man in the future, because I feel that it's worth the suffering.

 

The bottom line is that I had to resign myself to the fact that no matter what my worth (and it is great, no doubt in my mind about that), he was incapable of doing what had to be done to be with me. He was like a guy with two broken legs, lying in a ditch, with me standing there saying, "Come on, let's get crackin'! We can cover another 10 miles before sunset. Lace up those Nikes and just do it!" No matter how much he may have to liked to get up and walk, it was impossible. I guess I expected that he would call 911, get am ambulance, get himself to a hospital and get himself fixed up, but he was unwilling to do so. Incapable. Unwilling.

 

My only other option was to lie in the ditch with him and pretend nothing was wrong. I was incapable and unwilling.

 

I have no illusions that, despite his assurance in one of his last messages to me that he had no one else and didn't intend to, that he'll find someone who will either not notice that he's lying in a ditch with busted legs, or will be willing to spread out a little blanket, and fix some tea and biscuits, and lounge there with him as though everything is perfectly fine. My ego is, of course, incensed at this injustice.

 

But my essence realizes that it's nothing to do with my worth or whether he really loved me. Once I slip past the ego, there is nothing left but sadness that I've missed out on being with a man I genuinely loved and with whom I was "at home" and complete. And sadness that he's missed out on the same thing with me.

 

But I reckon if he can go on without me, I can go on without him. I can at least have some peace of mind in the knowledge that I didn't throw away or destroy something good. I wasn't perfect, but I did the best I can. I hope that the next man who comes into my life (god willing) will also do his best. I think, really, that that is all it really takes.

[ion]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

 

The anger that I was holding onto regarding him was precisely because of his inability (or unwillingness) to bloody do something about his sharp edges and missing bits and ugly secrets. That he was willing to sacrifice me rather than march into the fray and face things head on. I feel I'm worth the fight. His rejection of me, no matter what his reasons, dredged up all the nasty echoes of every rejection I've ever gotten in my life, and I've suffered. But I've also worked on this aspect of my dysfunctional bag of tricks. I'm not going to let it impact on having a good relationship with a man in the future, because I feel that it's worth the suffering.

 

The bottom line is that I had to resign myself to the fact that no matter what my worth (and it is great, no doubt in my mind about that), he was incapable of doing what had to be done to be with me. He was like a guy with two broken legs, lying in a ditch, with me standing there saying, "Come on, let's get crackin'! We can cover another 10 miles before sunset. Lace up those Nikes and just do it!" No matter how much he may have to liked to get up and walk, it was impossible. I guess I expected that he would call 911, get am ambulance, get himself to a hospital and get himself fixed up, but he was unwilling to do so. Incapable. Unwilling.

 

My only other option was to lie in the ditch with him and pretend nothing was wrong. I was incapable and unwilling.

 

I have no illusions that, despite his assurance in one of his last messages to me that he had no one else and didn't intend to, that he'll find someone who will either not notice that he's lying in a ditch with busted legs, or will be willing to spread out a little blanket, and fix some tea and biscuits, and lounge there with him as though everything is perfectly fine. My ego is, of course, incensed at this injustice.

 

But my essence realizes that it's nothing to do with my worth or whether he really loved me. Once I slip past the ego, there is nothing left but sadness that I've missed out on being with a man I genuinely loved and with whom I was "at home" and complete. And sadness that he's missed out on the same thing with me.

 

 

Sometimes what we believe is the ditch is anothers down comforter bed. Amazing reality can be such a disconnect...

 

I've found it's one of the hardest things to recognize.

 

But I believe we find strength in our moment of weakness.

 

Keep it up KaiaMahina!

[Nick14]

Ehh..its been 6 and a half months and well I am over my ex. I know she's with someone, I am seeing someone and well I mean people go off there seperate ways. Do I still love her? No, I don't love her deeply like I use too when she dumped me, but I do love her the same, just not in a deep soul mate type of way anymore, she blew that chance. Ever since the break up in late August, not a peep from her and I am the one sending emails here and there, see her at the gym sometimes. Pretty much, I am thinking she's been with a guy since october and well thats that. Anyway, all of you need to go see the movie called "Hitch", perfect movie for all of us, and it gives us a refresher course in a way, especially for us guys. The Character "Hitch" is so like me, I am original, straight to the point with no bull**** cheesy pick up lines and I know how women feel and what they want. When there was a scene where Sara just totally dumps him cause of something (I won't say what for any of you who have not seen it) Of course Hitch gets mad but you know he doesn't freak out and bug the crap out of her. That taught me alot and gave me a refresher course for the future if the situation happens again. I go see it and recommend it for all, its funny but also us nice guys and girls can get a refresher course out of things, so we know next time something happens, we just need to pop that dvd in after we get dumped(if it happens again).