Cybercheating with his ex

[IronWolf]

So here's my story, and it may be pretty long so bear with me. I am really in need of help.

 

It was 2012, my senior year in high school. This guy sat at my lunch table, and we'll call him Jack. He was a mutual friend of a friend, and it was my first time knowing him. We didn't really talk much for a few months. Then one day me and and him ran into each other at the library and we ended up talking and he asked for my number. From that day on we texted each other pretty much non-stop every day.

 

As we got to know each other, it was really amazing how much we had in common with each other, and I found that to be really remarkable. A month after we started talking, he asked me out in late December of that year and I happily said yes.

 

For a few months, it was going really good with us. We acted really cute together and I felt butterflies whenever I talked about him or was near him. He was really my first actual boyfriend aside from someone I dated online a few years before. Before Jack I had never had my first kiss or anything like that. Jack had had girlfriends before me but was a virgin.

 

Jack had this personality to him that was pretty perverted, and he acted that way around me a lot. He sort of would hint to wanting to do things with me, and after a few months after we started dating I sort of went along with it even though I wasn't really completely comfortable doing it. We didn't have sex, just did sexual things sometimes. Also I should note that I always stayed the night at his house once a week, and we walked to classes together in school, and texted.

 

A month after, in early April of spring break 2013, out of the blue he broke up with me over text. He wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't even give me a reason as to why. I still loved him to death and asked if we could still be friends and he agreed. I was a complete wreck for at least a week after we broke up, like I had not felt that low for a very long time.

 

Things were awkward between us at first but we still texted pretty regularly, same as before. A friend of mine had persistently tried asking Jack why he broke up with me, and apparently it was because he thought we were moving too fast, and that really pissed me off because he was the one giving me so many strong signals that he wanted to do things.

 

About two weeks after we broke up we actually were pretty chill with each other and it was like it never happened. I was still a bit upset but I was kind of getting used to the idea of us being friends and I didn't mind so much. We ended up hanging out and he asked me out again. I was confused as to why, but at the same time I was so relieved and happy so I said yes.

 

Saying yes again, I'm starting to wonder, was my biggest mistake.

 

After we got back together, things were okay. They really weren't the same and it was just a strange process that went from friendly chats to sending loving texts again.

 

I want to say it was 2 or 3 months after we got back together that the start of everything bad happened. We had graduated from high school at this point. I just remember that one day I was over Jack's house and I asked him who he was texting and he mentioned that it was "Violet", which I knew was an ex of his. Violet was a girl that Jack dated at least 8 months before he first started dating me. They had a long-distance relationship and they actually met online. They never met or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure that Jack took it pretty hard after they actually broke up. I tried to be a civil person. I wanted to think that the texts were harmless and just friendly chatter.

 

Soon after, around July or August 2013, I found out that I was terribly wrong. I was paranoid and suspicious of what was going on between Jack and that girl, and I was still kind of upset about the fact that we broke up recently. One day when I stayed over Jack's house, I looked through his phone and found that the nature of the texts was much more than friendly, and they sexted each other quite frequently. I can't even explain how crushed I felt in this moment, it was like a slap in the face.

 

Then I made another huge mistake, which was not to confront Jack about it. I in general am someone who has a hard time dealing with conflict as I am a very shy and introverted person, and I guess at the same time I was just scared. I loved Jack to death even though what I saw broke my heart.

 

A few months went on. I often checked Jack's phone when he wasn't in the room, only to find that he was still messaging her. I guess there was something inside me that thought that he could change. Overall he was such a good person in my eyes that it just didn't seem like him for the things he was doing. We ended up losing our virginity to each other, and all the while he was still talking to his ex. I felt so worthless, but I couldn't leave. There was a time in November or December when I actually ended up texting Jack about the situation, asking him if he was still talking to his ex, and he denied it. I wanted to believe him so badly.

 

Then for about 2 months I decided to play the ignoring game. I pretended that it wasn't even happening, that's how bad it got. I stopped looking at his texts because it just hurt me to do so. We ended up going on a camping trip together in November for a weekend, and it was so much fun. I had remembered that it was something we wanted to do together since we first started dating, because we both camped with our families when we were kids. I also remember on that trip that I told myself I wouldn't look at his phone during it, because I didn't want to ruin the trip for myself.

 

Around this time, I felt pretty confident in us. I hadn't looked at Jack's phone for at least 2 months and I was blissfully unaware of what was going on. Then we had our 1 year anniversary, and we spent New Years together as well. I was on top of the world at this point, I felt so good about us and I didn't want to doubt anything.

 

I ended up hacking into his facebook account by guessing the password. About a week or two after New Years, I can't explain it but I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I ended up going on his facebook account after he "went to sleep", and I had caught him in the act of messaging Violet on there, the very moment that they were talking. I broke down again, and I just felt like complete garbage.

 

This was my turning point when I decided that enough was enough. I decided that I was going to finally confront him about the entire situation, face-to-face. Since before I tried it over text, I knew that that wasn't going to work so I had face my fears. I wanted to write down everything that I wanted to say to him and memorize it so I would make sure that I got out all that I want to say.

 

Even so, I ended up putting it off for about 2 months. I kept trying to tell him but my throat would just close up and I felt that I couldn't speak. And every weekend that we hung out and I ended up failing, I would beat myself up over it so badly.

 

Then, in early March, I decided that I was just going to outright and say it. I tried to have the right timing for it, and I decided that would be before we were going to sleep. I was very direct, more than I thought was even possible for me, and I got out everything I wanted to say for the past 9 months. I remember him telling me that I wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be with me. I asked him to stop speaking with her if he wanted it to work with us, and he agreed.

 

It's been a little over 3 months since he said he'd stop talking to her. I still checked his phone and whatnot and haven't found a trace of anything except that he facebook stalks her sometimes. He deleted her from his contacts and from facebook.

 

Now we're talking about moving in together, but I just have a lot of mixed feelings. Even after practically a year of this whole incident starting with his ex, I still feel so empty inside. Before Jack and his ex stopped talking, I saw some messages between them saying that they loved one another. I don't know what to do, and I feel like this could be yet another mistake. Any advice?

[Womaneyezer]

It's a mistake, he's been emotionally cheating on you this whole relationship...no further comment.

[Zahara]

Now we're talking about moving in together, but I just have a lot of mixed feelings. Even after practically a year of this whole incident starting with his ex, I still feel so empty inside. Before Jack and his ex stopped talking, I saw some messages between them saying that they loved one another. I don't know what to do, and I feel like this could be yet another mistake. Any advice?

 

My advice to you would be to treat your precious young life with care by removing yourself from a boy that cheats and lies to you (blatantly lied when you asked him if he was talking to Violet -- and you had proof that he was). A boy that is clearly emotionally immature and isn't very committed to you. My advice to you would be to start learning how to have some healthy and strong boundaries. To have self-esteem that doesn't make you go cowering in a corner because you're afraid to speak up when someone wrongs you. To see enough value in yourself whereby you rather be cheated on than be alone. See the path you are creating for yourself?

 

And yes, it is another mistake.