jimmy1968 Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) I was just getting over a divorce when I met my current wife of 7 years. She just moved in and never left. I was very attracted to her, being 12 years younger than me I found her very hard to resist. I let here stay and it as been a really rough rode. She wanted a baby, I didn't. We have a daughter now and I love her very much. She quit her job shortly after being married and refused to work. She has been mean to my biological children and we have fought for 7 years almost everyday on topics such as budget, parenting, her getting a job, nutrition ext. The fighting has been bad for everyone, including my children. She also has a mood disorder which creates to our problems. I've threatened divorce many times and it just gets better for awhile than we are back to the same fighting. I started doing yoga, mediation and counseling 3 years ago. Feel like my life path is going a different direction. I really like myself now and don't want to spend my life fighting and trying to change someone. I asked my wife for a non-conflict divorce a month ago. All of a sudden she is trying to do everything right. Se is very sexual with me? She wants to stay married. It is really confusing to me because I've asked her to do some of these things for years and she would not. She would just scream at me and tell me it was my fault. We have been intimate since I've asked her and wondering if this is normal. I want this divorce and my biological kids want some peace. I'm not afraid of being alone and dream about it. But I also still have feelings for my wife but understand that we need to split and have peace. She doesn't have a job and means to support herself yet. We are gonna have to live with each other for the next few months. How will I be able to do this? Is it ok to be intimate with her? Thanks Edited June 9, 2014 by jimmy1968 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Sorry to here about what you are going through OP, you ARE living a huge fear I have. I am divorced with one child and I fear that I too could "move someone in" and they treat my child like crap. This is one thing I will not tolerate.....EVER, and neither should you. When someone connects with us and they KNOW we have kids THEY need to accept it or take a hike IMO. My first relationship out of divorce was a total rebound. I had no intentions at the time of even introducing her to my daughter yet she kept saying sh@% like "I don't do 4 YO's" and "I've raised mine and.....". Needless to say that after I heard this about 6 times I promptly got rid of her. My second relationship was with a woman that took my a little while to figure out she was a crack-pot, she went away as well. Take this time to take care of you and your kids. As far as being intimate, be careful with that is all I can say. You may want to implement the 180. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 Thanks TheBladeRunner! I just printed out the 180 and it is a great rule book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Not sure which state of residency you are in. Contact an Attorney for advisal on marital dissolution and rights. Refrain from intimacy. Divorce and separation are areas where that(intimacy) needs to stay out of consideration. Be civil when declining. Understand that the end goal is to depart each others life in the least amount of friction possible. Yes it can be achieved. Its not your problem that she is waiving the concept of employment. Unless she can prove in court that you locked her up and had no means of child care alternatives. Time for her to put her big girl panties on and work. 7 years married , spousal support may be temporary as she'll need to show she can tend to herself . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Is it ok to be intimate with her? She wanted a baby, I didn't. We have a daughter now I hate to be cynical but do you see a connection here ??? It's fine to have sex with her as long as you're ready for more kids and 18 additional years of child support... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 Thanks Tayla, talked with my attorney about it already. She is going to have to find a job. She is playing the displaced homemaker card. She's thirty two and very capable of working. She worked as a medical assistant when we met. I make good money and she's been on the gravy train. Agreed Mr Lucky, good thing I got a vasectomy. When I started thinking about divorce a few years back that's the first thing I did. I'm in the process of getting the papers filed, and she acts like she is the victim. But in reality she has made my life a living hell. I like myself and know I deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joanofark Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Thanks Tayla, talked with my attorney about it already. She is going to have to find a job. She is playing the displaced homemaker card. She's thirty two and very capable of working. She worked as a medical assistant when we met. I make good money and she's been on the gravy train. Agreed Mr Lucky, good thing I got a vasectomy. When I started thinking about divorce a few years back that's the first thing I did. I'm in the process of getting the papers filed, and she acts like she is the victim. But in reality she has made my life a living hell. I like myself and know I deserve better. why on earth did you marry this woman immediately following your divorce? 7 years ago and 7 years of fighting? I could not imagine. I got married less than 2 years into knowing my ex and have NOOOOOOOO plans on doing that again anytime soon. Really sorry you are going through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 She isn't going to change. Stand up and show your children that their happiness matters as much as your own for once in their lives. I'd never be with someone who was cruel to my children, their biological father included. There's no love in my heart for a person like that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Sleep separate, no intimacy. It will only drag things out and make the turmoil all the worse, more confusing, and last longer. Get this divorce over ASAP and move on. Best of luck to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 Joanoffork, I not sure why we got married. I guess when she was crying for a week I gave in. I wasn't in a place where I thought I deserved to be loved or have a partner that treated me well. I'll never do that again! I'm a much healthier person now. I had a mother that was very similar and she would try to kill herself. Guess I was trying to repair that relationship through my wife. I'm a much stronger person now or I would not be getting a divorce. Yoga, daily mediation and my therapist have helped me see a new reality. amaysngrace, thanks for the support. I will stand up for my children and we will have a peaceful life full of love. The Like Fairy, agreed. Sex in our relationship has been a way she has manipulated situations. I'm not gonna let it happen. I feel much stronger with all the support I'm receiving and I'm gonna start seeing my therapist again to help with support and guidance. We have had a weird enabling kind of relationship and I have been the enabler. Sad place to be. We are gonna be living together for a couple months. The papers will not be ready for a few weeks and then we will have to agree on the terms and make arrangements. She wants a ton of money and full custody of our daughter. She hasn't even mentioned how I'm gonna be able to support my other children. I'm a good father, with an exception of putting up with her and having my children around her. I have a five year old daughter with her, I have my two biological boys and a stepson. It's gonna be real rough road. I'm scared she is gonna blow up a any moment when my kids come back from their moms house. I wish it would just be over sooner, but she hasn't even started looking for a job or a place to live. She thinks this is a big joke an runs around the house like she is in control. Send me good vibes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Is it ok to be intimate with her? I'm sorry but why do you want to be intimate with her if you don't want to be married? You want the good parts of relationship but don't want to expend the energy and commitment to work things out? Of course fighting isn't good for the family, but who says you have to fight? You titled your post "divorcing sucks", who says you have to get divorced? Your wife seems to be responding to the need for change. Why not follow through and go to counseling and get things fixed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 I've been trying to work things out for many years. It was a mistake, and is not sending the right message. I screwed up. Wish I could fix it, it's not fixable. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 You can't fix what doesn't exist. She's a dramaqueen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Share Posted June 12, 2014 Thanks and agree, I saw my therapist and she told me not to try to fix anything just diffuse situations until the divorce is over. Be kind and look for the future. I am and I'm in a much better place this week. I'm gonna take care of myself and put my children first. I can't change what has been broken and that is the reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 She also has a mood disorder which creates to our problems.What type of mood disorder, Jimmy? Do the moods come in regular cycles (e.g., twice a year or during her period every month) or are they irregular and triggered by minor events? I ask because there is some risk your W will pass a mood disorder on to your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
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