yucky_life Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Been through 4 relationships in my adult life. All were rushed into, all were with people I thought would be good life partners, and then surprised me with: One was my high school sweetheart, I saw the signs and ignored them, and divorced after 7 years due to his porn addiction and lack of empathy. One seemed stable, nice, and had a great job (psychologist), but wasn't ready for a commitment, but then started stalking me when I tried to move on (8 months). One used me to take care of his house and kids, never married me, and let me go after his kids were grown and I was no longer needed (7 years wasted). One seemed like the passionate love of my life, presented as everything I dreamed of (except that he was poor, and I decided he was worth the sacrifice)- but now is hyper focused on his own priorities, and ignoring all of mine. He lives like a slob, that I'm going crazy from cleaning after. Cycle is, he focuses solely on his needs and failing business, trashes everything, leaves all the cleaning to me, and then treats me like a psycho who is victimizing him whenever I finally blow up from the frustration. (3 and a half years, and I am now leaving him). There is no cooperation or recognition that some of my needs should be fulfilled as well, so the relationship has died. At first I thought I'd just give up. But I want a life partner. I'm scared- after all these experiences. How do you make sure that you are going to get a life PARTNER who loves you and really wants, and not someone who is using you, or pretending to be someone they are not, or will change and treat you like crap once you make the commitment? How long do you wait, in what ways do you make sure? How can you tell? Where do you even look, and how do you respect yourself enough to search out someone who actually will meet your needs? How do you make sure you aren't settling? This is my last chance. I know to start with working on me. After that, what to do? And how do you know when you're ready? I don't want to be stuck with another partner who mostly takes and doesn't give back, or who has an addiction, or is irresponsible or abusive in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 All were rushed into You start by avoiding this. What's the hurry - if you're truly looking for a "life" partner, it's worth the investment in time and energy required to truly get to know them. Anyone can hide a few (or more than a few) flaws during a brief dating period (and don't get me started with online relationships ), but involvement past the 18 month mark (minimum) starts to reveal the cracks in the facade. I wouldn't live with anyone I knew less than this. And it would be another year or two before marriage, and a couple more before kids. Too often whirlwind relationship = extended problems... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 By all means, take your time deciding on the next relationship. The common denominator here is you, and there are likely patterns to your choices. If you are really serious about doing things better, I strongly urge you to read the following books - especially the first one I list; the second may give you a great deal of insight into communication styles and how they can affect relationships, but if you're not much of a reader, skip it. 1. Are You the One for Me by Barbara DeAngelis 2. Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 What's the longest time you've been single? Have you rushed into a relationship after relationship or taken some considerable time out? For yourself? Doing the things you wanna do for you, going back to college or going on vacation to somewhere exotic like new zealand or Samoa or Lapland or wherever .... those are the times when your life partner comes when your not "fixated " on getting a life partner when you're happy with you. The rush into each relationship you've described is a bit of a worry. What's driving you to want to be in a relationship with out evaluating first? Is it a fear of being alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 The first step to getting what you want is this.... Decide what you want. You rushed into all your past relationships. Try being single for a while. Work out what you want for your life, your values, dreams. Then date, with no expectations of finding "a life partner" Just have fun. Finding someone who shares your values is the most important. Someone that wants the same sort of life you do. No one is perfect, so define what are ultimate deal-breakers for yourself and stick with them. Don't expect to be able to change anyone. And someone who makes you laugh. For me, that is the glue. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 And try and avoid men like the poster above OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Part of it is learning to recognize the bad stuff early & take immediate action. Start with corrective action but if the bad stuff doesn't improve, break ties earlier rather than sticking around. Know yourself. Know what you want & what you will accept. Some things are fundamental others are optional. For example, my husband is a great guy but he doesn't like to dance. In the grand scheme that isn't a deal breaker for me. You have to make your own decisions. Yes it would be nice but . . . it's not like we have fundamental incompatibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Your problem is your desire to be needed, which keeps you finding emotionally unavailable men and users. You need to look for a man that appreciates the things you do for him that he doesn't need done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) I wouldn't approach it as "this is my last chance," for starters. That lends an air of desperation to your search. I think it's true what they say about meeting someone when you least expect it - when you're focused on your own goals and happiness and not really looking. People are attracted to optimism and happiness, which do come from within and are easier to come by when one is taking it easy on the manhunt. I'm not saying dont put yourself out there- you absolutely should- but try to focus on the journey, not the destination. Edited June 11, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Here's the thing: who you end up with is entirely your choice. If you don't want to end up with an addict, then at the first signs of addiction, or additive behaviour, move on. If you don't want to end up with a selfish person who neglects your needs and abuses your generosity, then when you see signs of that sort of behavious, move on. The key is to keep your wits about you and your eyes open. And also to really do some digging around in your own mind, soul and background to learn why you have seen the signs in the past -because surely there were there, they always are - but went ahead and settled with these guys anyhow. The hard truth is: we get what we settle for. So be careful what you decide is good enough for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts