Three Years Later

[SillySilly]

I'm a 29 year old straight male

My ex and I broke up three years ago. When we dated I felt that we were very compatible. We had a problem or two, but for the most part we were very compatible and made each other very happy. I chose to end the relationship (we dated for a year and four months, which is to date my longest relationship), and looking back I have regretted the decision very much. She is the only person that I felt I was really in love with. In the intervening years I've dated several people, and it's never felt quite right. I find it difficult to meet people who I can relate to (I'm very introverted and spacey), but it's even harder to meet someone who gets me and also feels for me romantically.

 

I was 26 when I broke up with her, and my reasons were very immature. I wanted the wrong things in life (fame, the adoration of others, success). I'm 29 now, and over time I've come to realize that those aims would never make me as happy as the people in my life can. Naturally, you can't solve all your problems with another person, but being connected to the people around you can bring you joy.

 

I recently started hanging out with her again, thus far as friends. She is not seeing anyone and neither am I. I have found it emotionally confusing to reconnect with her, but through the confusion I know that I want to be with her again. But I don't know how to tell her how I feel, and we've only reconnected recently (2 weeks ago). I realize that if I were to ask her to take me back, there would be no backing out later. And I'm okay with that, because I know what's like to break up with her and to live without her, and it sucks.

 

I don't know if I should tell her how I feel now, or just spend more time with her and see how it goes. But all I can think about is how to tell her what I'm feeling, and I feel like if I don't say something soon it'll just stew and fester inside me til I drive myself crazy. I'm also worried that she might be mad at me for asking, or that it would put a strain on our rekindling friendship. I think that I'm in a mature enough place in life where I can be friends with her even if she rejects me romantically (and I would want that, because she is a wonderful person). But I don't want to make things weird for her so early on in our reconnection, if she doesn't want to see me. I am a bit impatient also, because I worry that she might start dating someone else before I have a chance to tell her.

 

We are also both leaving town for a month in two weeks (in fact we're leaving on the same day and coming back around the same time also) so I'm wondering if I should say sometging before I leave or wait til we get back and risk her losing interest. Any advice?

[PhillyConnection23]

Take it slow! You were separated for 3 years, two weeks isn't going to bring everything back!

 

Not only should you be 100% certain you want her back, she also needs to know you are serious and she needs to want you back. Two weeks isn't enough time.

 

Show her things are different but take it slow. You are both single and if you are in the picture now, the chance of her looking for someone right now is very low.

 

As for your final question, I would do something light and easy like: "Enjoy your trip to XXX. Want to grab a drink when we get back?"

 

I would also like to point out that dumpers aren't awful people and can make mistakes, poor decisions and actually miss the person they were with.

[Raid]

I'm a 29 year old straight male

My ex and I broke up three years ago. When we dated I felt that we were very compatible. We had a problem or two, but for the most part we were very compatible and made each other very happy. I chose to end the relationship (we dated for a year and four months, which is to date my longest relationship), and looking back I have regretted the decision very much. She is the only person that I felt I was really in love with. In the intervening years I've dated several people, and it's never felt quite right. I find it difficult to meet people who I can relate to (I'm very introverted and spacey), but it's even harder to meet someone who gets me and also feels for me romantically.

 

I was 26 when I broke up with her, and my reasons were very immature. I wanted the wrong things in life (fame, the adoration of others, success). I'm 29 now, and over time I've come to realize that those aims would never make me as happy as the people in my life can. Naturally, you can't solve all your problems with another person, but being connected to the people around you can bring you joy.

 

I recently started hanging out with her again, thus far as friends. She is not seeing anyone and neither am I. I have found it emotionally confusing to reconnect with her, but through the confusion I know that I want to be with her again. But I don't know how to tell her how I feel, and we've only reconnected recently (2 weeks ago). I realize that if I were to ask her to take me back, there would be no backing out later. And I'm okay with that, because I know what's like to break up with her and to live without her, and it sucks.

 

I don't know if I should tell her how I feel now, or just spend more time with her and see how it goes. But all I can think about is how to tell her what I'm feeling, and I feel like if I don't say something soon it'll just stew and fester inside me til I drive myself crazy. I'm also worried that she might be mad at me for asking, or that it would put a strain on our rekindling friendship. I think that I'm in a mature enough place in life where I can be friends with her even if she rejects me romantically (and I would want that, because she is a wonderful person). But I don't want to make things weird for her so early on in our reconnection, if she doesn't want to see me. I am a bit impatient also, because I worry that she might start dating someone else before I have a chance to tell her.

 

We are also both leaving town for a month in two weeks (in fact we're leaving on the same day and coming back around the same time also) so I'm wondering if I should say sometging before I leave or wait til we get back and risk her losing interest. Any advice?

 

Oh man, your story is exactly the same as mine except its been a little longer for me (5 yrs) and I'm 31 years old. Broke up exactly the same time (26) for exactly the same reasons..

 

I recently went out for dinner with my ex after not seeing her for YEARS, and I so so badly wanted to tell her how I felt but I resisted. Having thought about her EVERY day for 5 years it was very difficult but we just did the usual catch up, laughed, had a good time etc.

 

I too have been with other women but the relationships basically fizzled out because my heart was not in it.. I know exactly how you feel when it comes to this.

 

FWIW - I don't think you can jump into telling her how you feel after such a long break, you have to work up to it. Unfortunately I'm in a worse position as my ex is now living in another city and only comes home for a few days every couple of weeks..

 

I guess my advise is to try and not come across too available but let her know you want to go out again, try and spend as much time together as possible. From there the relationship should come up naturally and you can ask her out without seeming overly eager. From the tone of your post your sounding a little panicked / desperate. Keep it light and be yourself! If she fell in love with you once it can happen again.

[SillySilly]

Take it slow! You were separated for 3 years, two weeks isn't going to bring everything back!

 

Not only should you be 100% certain you want her back, she also needs to know you are serious and she needs to want you back. Two weeks isn't enough time.

 

Show her things are different but take it slow. You are both single and if you are in the picture now, the chance of her looking for someone right now is very low.

 

As for your final question, I would do something light and easy like: "Enjoy your trip to XXX. Want to grab a drink when we get back?"

 

I would also like to point out that dumpers aren't awful people and can make mistakes, poor decisions and actually miss the person they were with.

 

Thanks for this! Gives me a little confidence in this situation which will hopefully translate into patience. I will probably see her again before we leave but I'll try to keep it comfortable and not force it to a decision. Patience is not always my strong suit but I'll muster some up

[SillySilly]

There's been a recent development. I hung out with her tonight, and she mentioned being on Tinder/dating apps etc. which makes me feel like she might not be thinking the same thing that I am. That is, she might not be thinking about dating me again. It's also quite possible that I'm reading too much into her comments. It's unlike her to play games, though, so I don't know what to make of it.

 

But she does want to see me again before we leave, but I can't tell if it's just a friendship thing or what. It's very difficult for me to deal with the complex emotions I'm feeling, especially because she has no idea that I even still feel for her. As soon as we parted tonight I started crying. For all she knows, I dumped her three years ago and that's that. There's some alcohol in my bloodstream atm, so maybe that's part of it.

 

Somehow, none of this seems healthy. Shouldn't I be able to just leave the past in the past? I don't even believe in the concept of 'the one' but somehow I feel that I will never be able to find anyone who I like as much as I like her.

 

In need of emotional support :-/

[mangetout]

What you are feeling isn't unhealthy. You feel regret and fear.

I personally would ask her outright if she still thinks about your time together.

I would do this before your hols.

[HumptyDumpty]

In my opinion, you have to let the things go of the past! And it seems to me that you're still hung up and weren't really over the BU!

I was pretty hug up on my ex, now it's been 2 years, and zero romantic feelings now! Being friends maybe, but even that he's completely incapable of, what a waste!

 

So, moving with the flow, after making efforts to see and date her, making obvious hints (like frowning at her tinder profile when she shows you or other things, that does get noticed) and nothing romantic sparking thing is there with absolutely no move from her side? You got to let it go! You expect something! Never expect anything from someone else!

 

You then have to move on with a short "I can't be friends" and finally sign off this chapter, moving on but for good now! Unless you cheated on her, if the person isn't with you, it wasn't meant to be and you're just hurting yourself for nothing

[SillySilly]

i decided that I'm going to write her a letter and ask her to read it in private. I will make it clear to her that I am hopeful but expect nothing. If I am going to be friends with her, I can't hide this from her, because true friends don't secretly want things from each other. Also, if she is not interested, I need to know for sure so that I can move on, because wanting to be with her has kept me from being fully invested in other relationships. I am ready to accept my fate, whatever it may be. I know only that in yhe long run, one way or another, I will be happier for having done this.

[turningpoint]

i decided that I'm going to write her a letter and ask her to read it in private. I will make it clear to her that I am hopeful but expect nothing. If I am going to be friends with her, I can't hide this from her, because true friends don't secretly want things from each other. Also, if she is not interested, I need to know for sure so that I can move on, because wanting to be with her has kept me from being fully invested in other relationships. I am ready to accept my fate, whatever it may be. I know only that in yhe long run, one way or another, I will be happier for having done this.

 

I really think if you decide to do this, that you need to say this in person or verbally, not via a letter. It's totally up to you but from your thread it seems you need to be more patient. Trust me, patience is key. Give her time to know. 2 weeks is not long for either of you to know each other well after reconnecting. It's not like it's now or never. I really think you need to give it some more time and let her feel comfortable around you again. You can write the letter but letters don't really convey tone and may come off as too emotional or serious. At this point, if you both date again, it needs to be a complete start over. It doesn't need to be super emotional or intense, but something light-hearted, fun but with you still making it clear you really like her and care about her. That way she can ease into a relationship with you naturally, if she wants that.

[SillySilly]

I really think if you decide to do this, that you need to say this in person or verbally, not via a letter. It's totally up to you but from your thread it seems you need to be more patient. Trust me, patience is key. Give her time to know. 2 weeks is not long for either of you to know each other well after reconnecting. It's not like it's now or never. I really think you need to give it some more time and let her feel comfortable around you again. You can write the letter but letters don't really convey tone and may come off as too emotional or serious. At this point, if you both date again, it needs to be a complete start over. It doesn't need to be super emotional or intense, but something light-hearted, fun but with you still making it clear you really like her and care about her. That way she can ease into a relationship with you naturally, if she wants that.

 

I appreciate the advice

 

If I were to do it, I would ask her to read the letter while I go for a walk, and then I would come back and we could talk about it. It is a very complicated issue and I would like to be able to say my piece; I fear getting interrupted before I've said everything I feel I should say. I have three years worth of pent-up emotion and it seems more natural to write a letter than to deliver a long speech.

 

As we have been reconnecting we seem to be very comfortable with each other already, as if no time at all has passed. We talk about old times and the times we shared together, although I feel the need to tiptoe around those conversations because I don't want to give everything away. This seems dishonest to me. I think the only way for me to act naturally is to be completely open and honest with her.

 

Part of the reason I am so impatient is because I'm in a lot of emotional pain. The uncertainty is uncomfortable, and I find it extremely difficult to take my mind off of it for any more than a few seconds or minutes at most. I meditate daily but most of my meditation time is spent with my mind racing around thinking of how best to tell her how I feel (i.e. how to get what I want--the perils of attachment and desire!). I am leaving for a month to go focus on a particular area of study without distractions; I fear that the uncertainty I'm feeling about this situation will serve as a huge distraction while I'm away. I would almost rather be let down than continue on with these obsessions. If anyone can offer me any advice here, it would be greatly appreciated. If there were a way to escape from the uncertainty without screwing everything up, I would very much like to know about it.

 

ALSO: If I decide to wait, what would an appropriate form of contact be while we are both away? Could I email her? Call her? Send a postcard? I just don't want to go a whole month without talking to her :-/

Edited June 14, 2014 by SillySilly

[redbaron005]

Well a letter is a terrible, terrible idea. Is the girl worth fighting through the uncertainty? If so don't sabatouge yourself by putting pressure on her. Focus on your school work and maybe check in by text a time or two during your trip.

[todreaminblue]

There's been a recent development. I hung out with her tonight, and she mentioned being on Tinder/dating apps etc. which makes me feel like she might not be thinking the same thing that I am. That is, she might not be thinking about dating me again. It's also quite possible that I'm reading too much into her comments. It's unlike her to play games, though, so I don't know what to make of it.

 

But she does want to see me again before we leave, but I can't tell if it's just a friendship thing or what. It's very difficult for me to deal with the complex emotions I'm feeling, especially because she has no idea that I even still feel for her. As soon as we parted tonight I started crying. For all she knows, I dumped her three years ago and that's that. There's some alcohol in my bloodstream atm, so maybe that's part of it.

 

Somehow, none of this seems healthy. Shouldn't I be able to just leave the past in the past? I don't even believe in the concept of 'the one' but somehow I feel that I will never be able to find anyone who I like as much as I like her.

 

In need of emotional support :-/

 

 

hey bud,

 

 

here for emotional support...... hopefully in a motivational way.....maybe blunt in nature...dont take it badly

 

 

 

if you truly want something or someone you give it everything all the risks all the bruises all the confusion......a little voice in me that is always calm says that is grace and there is no higher power....i beg to differ and say that its guts.....pure guts and fortitude ...conviction to ride it out to wherever it takes you knowing you give all...guts....pure and simple......

 

 

maybe its both....grace will always be higher.....yes it if it is combined with guts...... and extremely enchanting to true women,cant be ignored and if it is never was meant to be.......

 

so are you gutless or do you have guts....

 

you now tell me what you need to do ....i want to read it.....we will go from their with emotional support to get you in possibly the right frame of mind..sigh ok i apologise if i hav eoffended you in any way...i see gutless though....and i wanna help...

[SillySilly]

Well a letter is a terrible, terrible idea. Is the girl worth fighting through the uncertainty? If so don't sabatouge yourself by putting pressure on her. Focus on your school work and maybe check in by text a time or two during your trip.

 

Thank you thank you thank you. She is definitely worth fighting through it. I did it once before. I was very patient with her the first time. And I most definitely did go through this level of anxiety then, too. I was dating someone else very casually at the time (which allowed us to become good friends before ever dating). But I had to really bide my time despite my rapidly growing feelings for her.

Edited June 14, 2014 by SillySilly

[turningpoint]

Thank you thank you thank you. She is definitely worth fighting through it. I did it once before. I was very patient with her the first time. And I most definitely did go through this level of anxiety then, too. I was dating someone else very casually at the time (which allowed us to become good friends before ever dating). But I had to really bide my time despite my rapidly growing feelings for her.

 

Agreed, you really shouldn't write a letter. Ask yourself this... what's the big deal of just being patient and giving her some time? You ended things the first time, lost her and now have the opportunity where she's back. If her mind was thinking about you as a boyfriend she would NOT mention the Tinder thing. I DO NOT ever mention dating other guys to guys I'm interested in ever. This does not mean she's not interested. It means she's not quite there yet. You writing her a letter, professing your feelings, is pretty much about making you feel better and have an answer straight away.

 

I did something like this in the past, and kind of did this with the guy I'm currently dealing with. Nothing emotional like that. But in the past, when it was emotional, I didn't realize that everyone has their OWN time lines. 2 weeks is not a good time line. I'm sorry. I know it feels natural, right and everything feels good, that's great... but 2 weeks is enough to scare her off and would sabotage the friendship. Give it a couple of months to get to know her better and see where you both stand. You can show her your interested. You can even have a semi-emotional conversation with her... telling her how important she is to you, how happy you are to reconnect, how you always felt bad about how things ended... but do NOT be impatient because there's a higher chance you will screw it up. Not because she doesn't like you or isn't interested but because it adds too much pressure.

 

Give her time and feel it out. What's so bad about just giving it some more time?

[SillySilly]

If her mind was thinking about you as a boyfriend she would NOT mention the Tinder thing. I DO NOT ever mention dating other guys to guys I'm interested in ever.

 

That's not necessarily so with her, though. We talked about dating a lot when we first met, even though we were both interested in each other. But you are right about her having her own timeline. The first time around, I found out that she liked me via her sister. This came up last night when we were hanging out, and she said that when her sister told me about it, she hadn't even realized yet that she liked me. So she definitely works a little bit differently from me as to how she feels things out.

 

You writing her a letter, professing your feelings, is pretty much about making you feel better and have an answer straight away.

VERY true. Thanks for the honesty.

 

I'm in a calmer place now, I'm still as crazy as ever but I can momentarily see things a little more clearly, so thanks again for the advice and support.

Edited June 14, 2014 by SillySilly

[PhillyConnection23]

Please, please, please do not write that letter.

 

That much raw emotion too soon isn't going to do anything but scare her away. Keep it slow, keep it simple, keep it easy. Go on your vacation, let her go on hers and slowly see where it goes.

 

You guys are "dating" again. You don't write a letter to a girl you just started dating tell her she is the end all be all of your life...it will scare her away. The same is true in cases like this. Take it slow and steady....

[SillySilly]

Please, please, please do not write that letter.

 

That much raw emotion too soon isn't going to do anything but scare her away. Keep it slow, keep it simple, keep it easy. Go on your vacation, let her go on hers and slowly see where it goes.

 

You guys are "dating" again. You don't write a letter to a girl you just started dating tell her she is the end all be all of your life...it will scare her away. The same is true in cases like this. Take it slow and steady....

 

I'm convinced! I won't write the letter. Thank you!

 

I am also taking this opportunity to read up on meditation practices & buddhist theories to better understand desire and obsession. It's become pretty clear to me that I have some 'internal gardening' to do, as some of this has gotten out of hand.

 

As Rumi says, "If a man or woman flails about, he not only smashes his house, he burns the world down".

 

Also, at the very least she seems to enjoy my company and makes time to hang out with me, which is hard to find in certain big cities where so many people are so busy. I'm very grateful for that.

Edited June 14, 2014 by SillySilly

[maestrok]

Hey can i ask how you guys reconnected after 3 years? Im (thinking of) trying to do that with my ex (after 4 years) and not sure how to. What did you/she say and respond?

[SillySilly]

Hey can i ask how you guys reconnected after 3 years? Im (thinking of) trying to do that with my ex (after 4 years) and not sure how to. What did you/she say and respond?

 

I ran into her at a mutual friend's show, and she expressed interest in hanging out again, as did I.

[SillySilly]

Following the advice of an IRL friend, I tried to tell her in person how I felt but also making it clear that I didn't expect anything from her. It did not go well at all, and she is very mad at me. She told me she was afraid this would happen, since things were going so well for us as friends. I think I tore open an old wound. She didn't give me a hard no, she told me she couldn't tell me anything tonight, but judging by how hurt she looked it's not looking good. I don't think the friendship is irreparable but I really hurt her in a way that I didn't expect. I feel horrible. I feel particularly horrible because if I had just taken the advice given here, I could have avoided it.

 

I clearly have some work to do as far as confronting my impulsiveness and impatience. Both have long been flaws of mine, and by letting these flaws go unchecked and drive my behavior, I end up hurting people. I'm trying not to beat myself up over this, but I am very very upset. I want very badly to apologize to her for blindly following my own feelings without taking hers into consideration but that's just another impatient impulse. There's really nothing I can do to make her not mad at me, besides wait. I'm leaving town in 8 days and I don't think the pain I caused her will subside by then. So I am hoping she will let me apologize to her when I get back in early August.

 

The situation seems pretty hopeless now. The friendship I had been building back up with her is gone (or seems to be, at least for now) and even if we communicate about this and work it out as friends, I think I may have forced her to the decision never to see me romantically. I'm heartbroken, but I don't really have anyone to blame but myself.

 

We were having a perfect night together, too. I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours. We were having such a good time for the 5-6 hours that preceded. Then I ruined it

Edited June 16, 2014 by SillySilly

[lovesick1]

No, you needed to do this. As long as you weren't overly dramatic about telling her your feelings for her I think this was the right thing to do. Besides, you don't want to hide your feelings, keep hanging out with her, and have to deal with fighting the feeling of wanting her to know how you feel about her. It's out in the open now which is for the best, I just hope you didn't do it in a melodramatic way.

 

I am really interested in this story though, keep us posted. Don't give up hope yet, girls get emotional over everything. She could be trying to avoid having feelings for you. You confronting them, as you should have, is making it harder for her so she's getting upset. I wouldn't feel bad about what you did. She needed to know. As of now though I would stay resolute- very sparingly initiate contact, if she contacts you and asks you about it just be plain, simple, hold your ground, and calmly tell her again that you still have feelings for her, nothing more nothing less. I'd give her space to stew over the atom bomb you dropped on her

[SillySilly]

Don't give up hope yet, girls get emotional over everything.

Sorry, but this isn't true. Between she and I, I was always the emotional one. Less gender stereotypes, please.

 

I'd give her space to stew over the atom bomb you dropped on her

this i agree with. But I shouldn't have dropped the atom bomb in the first place. It was pretty self-interested of me.

[eotdevice]

Silly,

 

 

If this was meant to be it will work out. If not, relish the fact that you told her what you were looking for more than a casual relationship with her.

 

 

I have done the same with mixed results. One woman I had been friends with and feelings for over a very long time ended up having the same feelings for me. It took us both time to digest it but it worked out very well for a long period of time.

 

 

So you took the chance. Wouldn't you rather know now that she does not share those feelings rather than after investing more time and emotion in it?

 

 

I think you made the right choice.

[PhillyConnection23]

Though I disagree on the time frame and how fast you made your move (I think you would agree now). I can confidently say that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

[SillySilly]

Today I called my father crying. I'm so grateful to him for being as kindhearted as he is.

 

Looking at the situation with a few hours of distance (and a lot of sleep deprivation), I don't think it's as hopeless as I initially thought. She will forgive me. I just put her in a very difficult place emotionally. Just as she was building trust for me again, I violated her trust by wanting something from her and exposing her to that much raw emotion. I can't ask her to forget what I said, but I can ask her to give me another chance to earn her trust and companionship. She is an extremely forgiving person which is why I fell in love with her, so I am more hopeful now.

Edited June 16, 2014 by SillySilly