Three Years Later

[yololin]

I've been there before. But father time changes everything. You can't stay in the past walking alone. It's a lonely place. I think you need time to heal and move on, as it sounds like you are reflecting only when you are forced to, this time it seems by desperation of not being able to find some one more suitable. Is this a good reason to get back with someone? You should wish the best for her. And only go for it if you truly think you are what is good for her.

[ThorntonMelon]

Very frustrated by this posting. I feel horribly for you.

 

Today I called my father crying. I'm so grateful to him for being as kindhearted as he is.

 

First of all try to get yourself in a reasonable place. Which means exercise until you're exhausted and stop crying. So long as you're overemotional you're not going to see this reasonably at all.

 

Also, at the very least she seems to enjoy my company and makes time to hang out with me, which is hard to find in certain big cities where so many people are so busy. I'm very grateful for that.

 

You have her on an unreasonable pedestal and your self esteem is non-existent. Even if she was just a friend, you'd expect her to enjoy your company and desire to see you.

 

Following the advice of an IRL friend, I tried to tell her in person how I felt but also making it clear that I didn't expect anything from her. It did not go well at all, and she is very mad at me. She told me she was afraid this would happen, since things were going so well for us as friends. I think I tore open an old wound. She didn't give me a hard no, she told me she couldn't tell me anything tonight, but judging by how hurt she looked it's not looking good. I don't think the friendship is irreparable but I really hurt her in a way that I didn't expect. I feel horrible. I feel particularly horrible because if I had just taken the advice given here, I could have avoided it.

 

So this amazing person became offended because you told her how you felt? Doesn't sound amazing to me.

I clearly have some work to do as far as confronting my impulsiveness and impatience. Both have long been flaws of mine, and by letting these flaws go unchecked and drive my behavior, I end up hurting people. I'm trying not to beat myself up over this, but I am very very upset. I want very badly to apologize to her for blindly following my own feelings without taking hers into consideration but that's just another impatient impulse. There's really nothing I can do to make her not mad at me, besides wait. I'm leaving town in 8 days and I don't think the pain I caused her will subside by then. So I am hoping she will let me apologize to her when I get back in early August.

 

You advocated for yourself and your needs. Again, there's nothing wrong with this. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You didn't cause her any pain. Going to repeat that. YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER ANY PAIN. We all are in personal situations sometimes where we don't want what someone else does - it's always a challenge to handle them, but you didn't do anything terrible to her. She's a grown woman, she's fine. You have got to go easy on yourself. And read posts by the truly battered (emotionally or physically) women on here before thinking telling someone openly and honestly how you feel is "hurting" them.

 

 

The situation seems pretty hopeless now. The friendship I had been building back up with her is gone (or seems to be, at least for now) and even if we communicate about this and work it out as friends, I think I may have forced her to the decision never to see me romantically. I'm heartbroken, but I don't really have anyone to blame but myself.

 

Again, if she chooses to disentangle from the relationship because you don't want the same thing, that is her choice and you have to respect that, but it seems to me like you think you're so lucky to spend time with her that you should ignore your own feelings and just go at her pace. Now, I agree with the other posters that you jumped the gun, but that doesn't mean that you should be beating yourself up. You're a straight forward guy who doesn't play games. It's admirable not something to critique.

 

We were having a perfect night together, too. I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours. We were having such a good time for the 5-6 hours that preceded. Then I ruined it

 

No, you stopped lying to yourself that the relationship was something that it clearly isn't. You did yourself a HUGE favor.

[SillySilly]

While I appreciate your post, I feel that much of it is off the mark. My self-esteem is fine, not great but I love myself for so many reasons. I was crying because I was upset, and there's nothing wrong with being as upset as I was over this. It meant a lot to me, so back off buddy.

 

I may not have hurt her feelings directly, but I did touch a nerve and made her think about things that cause her pain.

 

In Buddhism, desire, regret and impatience are emotions which require great care. Most actions driven by them are unskillful. which is to say that they are ego-driven and lack genuine compassion. I didn't do anything wrong, but I did act in an ego-driven manner which brought suffering to both her and myself. It's not the end of the world and The relationship will survive. I don't think she would have gotten so upset if part of her didn't want to be with me. I know that she genuinely enjoys my company and my personality. She does not play games either.

 

I've gotten some sleep and meditated. I've gotten a grip on what I'm feeling. Because I am straightforward and don't play games, I hand-wrote her a compassionate, rational and well-thought-out letter explaining what led me to my confession the other night as well as clarifying some things that came out as gobbledygook. I showed it to close friends who are critical of my tendency to go balls-to-the-wall immediately. I revised the letter and scaled back the emotional content. I slept on it and read it with a calm mind and decided to send it. I've asked her to keep seeing me as a friend. If feelings develop, great, if not, I'll get over it. I've been friends with people I was initially attracted to before, and the burning desire always fades and transmutes to friendly affection, which is why I'm so confident that I can be a friend to her and she to me.

Edited June 17, 2014 by SillySilly

[ThorntonMelon]

You've lost your mind.

 

I will back off plenty and stay out of your posts going forward. You did absolutely nothing wrong and caused no one pain.

[Simon Phoenix]

While I appreciate your post, I feel that much of it is off the mark. My self-esteem is fine, not great but I love myself for so many reasons. I was crying because I was upset, and there's nothing wrong with being as upset as I was over this. It meant a lot to me, so back off buddy.

 

I may not have hurt her feelings directly, but I did touch a nerve and made her think about things that cause her pain.

 

In Buddhism, desire, regret and impatience are emotions which require great care. Most actions driven by them are unskillful. which is to say that they are ego-driven and lack genuine compassion. I didn't do anything wrong, but I did act in an ego-driven manner which brought suffering to both her and myself. It's not the end of the world and The relationship will survive. I don't think she would have gotten so upset if part of her didn't want to be with me. I know that she genuinely enjoys my company and my personality. She does not play games either.

 

I've gotten some sleep and meditated. I've gotten a grip on what I'm feeling. Because I am straightforward and don't play games, I hand-wrote her a compassionate, rational and well-thought-out letter explaining what led me to my confession the other night as well as clarifying some things that came out as gobbledygook. I showed it to close friends who are critical of my tendency to go balls-to-the-wall immediately. I revised the letter and scaled back the emotional content. I slept on it and read it with a calm mind and decided to send it. I've asked her to keep seeing me as a friend. If feelings develop, great, if not, I'll get over it. I've been friends with people I was initially attracted to before, and the burning desire always fades and transmutes to friendly affection, which is why I'm so confident that I can be a friend to her and she to me.

 

Yeesh, this sounds like a 14-car pileup waiting to happen.

[Allumere]

Just my thoughts.

 

- You did hurt her long ago. Not to be mean or cruel but because you were looking out for you. Normal and expected but no amount of logic, explanation or apology makes the dumpee not hurt. Even if the reasons are not only accepted but agreed with, nobody that has been dumped walks away without a scar. And as you have learned, dumpers also can carry scars. She healed over time like we all do but that scar remains.

 

- Her reaction isn't surprising. Yes, it was too much, too soon. She let you back into her life, I am sure not without hesitation. She was probably happy to have you back into her life after spending some time together but once you crossed the line of wanting more...well, in many ways she probably felt lied to, disappointed, scared and sad.

 

Not sure if I can explain this very well...she feels that time spent together was just that...two folks hanging out, talking, good experiences, and maybe for her on some deep level it had to do with forgiveness, but what it ultimately boiled down to was an agenda...your agenda. Obviously one could say she was being naive (and I really don't know how to articulate this) but maybe in her mind it was really just about being friends and going with that. That doesn't mean she had a "no, never" hardwired necessarily, simply that she didn't have an agenda.

 

- Now the flip side of this as I already stated, is that I get it. And I can say in some instances for a dumper to come back and profess their feelings...well most of us dumpees are forced to leave that dream to the movies. You made some mistakes and they are easy ones to make. How do you not go out on a limb when you have all these emotions and all we have heard over and over again is "fight for love"? Unfortunately fighting for love is often self-serving at best. No sense beating yourself up over it...most of us are guilty so you are by no means unique. We all want what we can't have and patience wears thin if anxiety and fear are always looming.

 

-You need to step away and let her process all this. I would not send a letter as it is simply more of what you have already told her. It is being sent with an agenda and that agenda is to get back together. You need to ask yourself if you really can be her friend. When y'all are friends and a guy sweeps her off her feet will you really still be friends??? I would say right now and in the near term, that would be impossible. She now knows that so don't be to hurt if she backs completely away for awhile. Not only is she guarding her heart but yours as well (although maybe not consciously).

 

- I am friends with my ex's (it is a short list). It took some time but by the time we acted as real friends there was no agenda, no jealousy, no confessions. In fact an ex and his girlfriend are in town this weekend and we will be hanging out. My most recent ex and I stay in contact but have not spent time together. I certainly have very strong feelings for him but I know we have a deal-breaker that isn't fixable so that forces me to make a choice. I choose to remain in contact and be open to being good friends in the future. I accept that he will meet the right one and fall in love and that it might sting a bit but the past is the past and my role as friend is to be thrilled or take a shovel to his head if she is a wack job. You can't do that with an agenda.

Edited June 17, 2014 by Allumere

[SillySilly]

- Her reaction isn't surprising. Yes, it was too much, too soon. She let you back into her life, I am sure not without hesitation. She was probably happy to have you back into her life after spending some time together but once you crossed the line of wanting more...well, in many ways she probably felt lied to, disappointed, scared and sad.

 

Not sure if I can explain this very well...she feels that time spent together was just that...two folks hanging out, talking, good experiences, and maybe for her on some deep level it had to do with forgiveness, but what it ultimately boiled down to was an agenda...your agenda. Obviously one could say she was being naive (and I really don't know how to articulate this) but maybe in her mind it was really just about being friends and going with that. That doesn't mean she had a "no, never" hardwired necessarily, simply that she didn't have an agenda.

This is how I have understood it and I realized it very shortly after I talked to her. It was about being friends for her, and she felt hurt that I had an agenda. This makes total sense to me. That's why I felt the need to apologize.

 

-You need to step away and let her process all this. I would not send a letter as it is simply more of what you have already told her. It is being sent with an agenda and that agenda is to get back together. You need to ask yourself if you really can be her friend. When y'all are friends and a guy sweeps her off her feet will you really still be friends??? I would say right now and in the near term, that would be impossible. She now knows that so don't be to hurt if she backs completely away for awhile. Not only is she guarding her heart but yours as well (although maybe not consciously).

The friendship will change in nature if some guy sweeps her off her feet, and I will have to accept that but it probably won't end the friendship entirely. No relationship/friendship is completely static, they are always in flux and you may stay with a person until you die but it will end someday. It's too late about the letter, it's already been sent. The letter asked for nothing in response, and apologizes for applying an agenda to our rekindling friendship. And because I am leaving the country for five weeks all she needs to do is not respond and she will have a lot of space.

 

- I am friends with my ex's (it is a short list). It took some time but by the time we acted as real friends there was no agenda, no jealousy, no confessions.

This gives me hope for our friendship. I am making an effort to be better friends with all of my exes. I find it difficult but I think it's important. In my younger years I used to just cut people out of my life, but as I've matured I've learned to value forgiveness and reconciliation more. I think I'm better off in the long run if I don't just give up on people or decide they're not worth the time and effort.

Edited June 17, 2014 by SillySilly

[SillySilly]

As a measure of self-discipline I decided not to post here for three days. I feel that posting here was another way for me to obsess about the situation, and obsessing wasn't helping.

 

I'm feeling infinitely better. I realized that I need to let go of the past, and especially forgive myself. Not for breaking her heart (I forgave myself for that long ago) but I needed to forgive myself for breaking my own heart. I had my reasons to break up with her back then, and although in retrospect they seem wrong, perhaps at the time they were right. Even if they were the wrong reasons, I still have to love the part of myself that did it.

 

And I thought, no matter the situation, even in the very unlikely circumstance that we get back together, I would STILL need to forgive myself and let go of the past in order to have a healthy relationship. Also, through the sting of this experience, I've learned something about patience, and I've re-evaluated my approach to starting romantic relationships. I can't say that my behavior will change immediately, but I'm moving in the right direction.

 

As for what happened, she received the letter and thanked me for it. She agreed to meet up with me before we leave for the summer. I left it up to her as to whether or not we would talk about things. But what is important to me is that the two of us are making the effort to repair the damage to our friendship and communicate with each other in an adult and healthy way. And we won't be at odds and can take the separation as much-needed space to process our very complex feelings.

Edited June 20, 2014 by SillySilly

[SillySilly]

And if anyone is interested, we are dating again, we started seeing each other the day after I got back from my trip. We are both older and more mature, and we communicate often about how we're dealing with the transition. We both recognize that, going forward, we will be confronting some uncomfortable feelings, but it seems we both believe that the efforts to rebuild trust will be well worth it. On her end, she is learning to trust me again, and on my end, I'm learning yo trust that she is not mad at me and has forgiven me; I'm also working on my anxiety by exercising, meditating, and I may see a therapist soon. I care about her very much and I am extremely grateful to be having a second chance!

 

The story is not over yet, of course, but I like where it's going so far. Thanks to everyone here who supported me! It was extremely comforting to come here during such a difficult time.

[Big Sky]

And if anyone is interested, we are dating again, we started seeing each other the day after I got back from my trip. We are both older and more mature, and we communicate often about how we're dealing with the transition. We both recognize that, going forward, we will be confronting some uncomfortable feelings, but it seems we both believe that the efforts to rebuild trust will be well worth it. On her end, she is learning to trust me again, and on my end, I'm learning yo trust that she is not mad at me and has forgiven me; I'm also working on my anxiety by exercising, meditating, and I may see a therapist soon. I care about her very much and I am extremely grateful to be having a second chance!

 

The story is not over yet, of course, but I like where it's going so far. Thanks to everyone here who supported me! It was extremely comforting to come here during such a difficult time.

 

Whoa -- you guys are officially dating again? That's an incredible 180 from your last post. What happened in between that caused the dramatic shift? That's great news for you -- congratulations!

[Colin John]

This thread really gave me some hope. I just turned 27 today actually, but back in feb i broke up with my gf and it was the biggest mistake i ever made. I tried to get her back a few months later and we were hanging out for a while I believe the pain and distrust was too much and she decided she wanted to see other people. It crushed me to say the least, mainly because of what i put her through. This woman is the love of my life and i had commitment issues and some insecurities that caused me to make such a rash decision without communicating my issues. She did wish me a happy birthday today after not speaking for about 3 weeks. I know we have to part ways for now, but i really hope we cross paths again one day so we can share a life and family together. Thanks for you post bro! Have a good day everyone.

[intricate]

And if anyone is interested, we are dating again, we started seeing each other the day after I got back from my trip. We are both older and more mature, and we communicate often about how we're dealing with the transition. We both recognize that, going forward, we will be confronting some uncomfortable feelings, but it seems we both believe that the efforts to rebuild trust will be well worth it. On her end, she is learning to trust me again, and on my end, I'm learning yo trust that she is not mad at me and has forgiven me; I'm also working on my anxiety by exercising, meditating, and I may see a therapist soon. I care about her very much and I am extremely grateful to be having a second chance!

 

The story is not over yet, of course, but I like where it's going so far. Thanks to everyone here who supported me! It was extremely comforting to come here during such a difficult time.

 

Congratulations, OP. You sound a lot like my fiance who sometimes get scared of his own emotions and intimacy in general, and it was no walk in the park to convince him that I love him and always want him with me despite his darkest flaws and his past. It is good that you are becoming more spiritually aware and building your emotional health, something that the vast majority of the population don't look after and then wonder why life is so hard for them to deal with.

 

I have a feeling that she loves you very much and is happy that you came back to her after three years. It just goes to show to all the dumpees who fear of being forgotten, as long as you let the dumper do what they want and go strict NC, the dumper will realize on their own that life just ain't the same without their dumpees by their side.

[ThorntonMelon]

Congratulations OP, I didn't see it, but good for you finding a place that worked for you!

 

I still think you're the exception but hey, there are always exceptions!!

[SillySilly]

And one final update. On the 16th of June, 2017, we got married. Thanks to all the posters here who supported me through a very rough time

[Purepony]

Today I called my father crying. I'm so grateful to him for being as kindhearted as he is.

 

Looking at the situation with a few hours of distance (and a lot of sleep deprivation), I don't think it's as hopeless as I initially thought. She will forgive me. I just put her in a very difficult place emotionally. Just as she was building trust for me again, I violated her trust by wanting something from her and exposing her to that much raw emotion. I can't ask her to forget what I said, but I can ask her to give me another chance to earn her trust and companionship. She is an extremely forgiving person which is why I fell in love with her, so I am more hopeful now.

 

 

 

Okay no offense but you are bashing yourself over this for nothing!

Let's look at facts .... if she feels the same she will reciprocate don't fall into this nonsense tht thisngiels perfect she's on tinder for god sakes and we know what happens there ..!

 

It's never too soon unless she's playing games! I got back with an x once years after a break up but because we both wanted to it you Think that everything is going to change because you give her time and you got to be patient and all this nonsense I don't believe any of it it's going to happen it's going to happen.

 

You did good don't bash yourself over this besides do you really think that she's thinking that this was all done just To be friends ?

[Purepony]

And one final update. On the 16th of June, 2017, we got married. Thanks to all the posters here who supported me through a very rough time

 

 

 

Just read this!!! Totally awesome !!!

[springy]

And one final update. On the 16th of June, 2017, we got married. Thanks to all the posters here who supported me through a very rough time

 

Congrats! I'm sure there are a lot of people on here who would like to hear details of the process

[SevenCity]

And one final update. On the 16th of June, 2017, we got married. Thanks to all the posters here who supported me through a very rough time

 

Good for you. But had I read your initial postings about letters and vomiting your feelings over her I would have recommended this: Just kiss her. That would have told her everything she needed to know.

 

Also, her getting upset at you wasn't a bad thing. Her having emotions for you (good or bad) means you have a shot. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. She was not indifferent to you which means you still had a shot.

 

Qualify the situation with this - It's much easier for a dumper to get back the person they dumped than the other way around.

 

Happy for you.

[SpecialJ]

Yay, how nice that there's a second chance thread that's actually about a second chance! Congratulations on your wedding!

[mon.]

Yaayyyyy!!!!

 

I hadn't realized the first posts were from 2014 until the last page.

 

Congratulations, Silly! You're not so silly after all hehe

 

May hou have a wonderful marriage and life together