Wife's "EA" with female cousin

[Striver]

I've been in a R for 10 years, M for 8 with three young children. The M has been a good one and our fundamentals as individuals are strong, but we are at a crisis point.

 

The children have some developmental issues. My wife is SAHM with some outside income. She has frustration and unhappiness with the children which I'm aware of and we've discussed.

 

On to the crisis. Last weekend W hit me with a bombshell that she's been unhappy in the M for a year. Various faults of myself were mentioned, including that I have Asperger's-like behavior (I disagree, I'm a shy man, late bloomer emotionally, but I can empathize and relate), other stuff that doesn't seem to matter even if I display changed behavior, bashing of marriages in general, etc. Mostly overreactions on her part or things she knew about when she married me, IMO. As I mentioned, our fundamentals are strong - I work, we have a sex life, I'm not mean to her, I show up when expected, buy her flowers, don't go out too often. The tangible things I need to change I'm demonstrating, but she's checked out and doesn't care.

 

So tonight she gets back from seeing her cousin, and now she wants to separate. I said no, that we weren't separating.

 

The bombshell the previous weekend also came a day after a visit with her female cousin. She's increased her visits with the cousin recently and all weird behavior by my wife is usually after a visit with the cousin. One night she slept on the couch after coming in after I'd gone to bed, complaining I was negligent because I didn't call to confirm her whereabouts. (She has since made it a point to call in before she's on her way home.) Another time she asked me to stay up when I wanted to go to bed with her so she could go to bed while still texting her cousin. Otherwise she's often grumpy after visiting the cousin. I don't notice any of this when she's out with other friends. My wife's texting in general has increased a lot; a couple of weeks ago she was texting at an event for our son. I didn't think that was appropriate.

 

From discussions tonight, I think there has been a lot of negative talk between her and the cousin about me and our relationship. My W has always prized a relationship with this cousin, who is one of these in and out people that has dropped my W for months at a time many times. The cousin is older than my W, currently single, was a single mom, and has had a couple of failed relationships. Unlike other relatives, the cousin has basically no relationship with our children. So the cousin is likely not a friend of the M or the family.

 

At this point, our M needs repair and I will be inaugurating counseling, whether my wife joins me or not. I will also ask my wife to stop contacting her cousin. The massive lack of communication by my wife and all of the discussion and bonding between her and the cousin are now the major issue in our marriage before anything else is solved.

 

This cousin is not beloved by all or anything (W has asked me at least once to not tell her parents she's visiting the cousin), but this will be far more awkward than a friend if our marriage makes it, since the cousin is not going to go away. It would be dicey for me if I have to start involving the in-laws, even if they don't approve of the cousin. So I'd prefer to keep things between me and my W, but that may not be possible.

 

I will admit to my sins in the M, but they are minor and correctable. I use EA in the title because W's behavior has all of the hallmarks. She's completely checked out, and she might be capable of throwing away a perfectly good marriage over nothing.

[GoBlue]

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for the circumstances. It sounds to me like you have a firm grasp on how to move forward. Counseling is a great option especially if it is a person who values the sanctity of marriage. Things will become more clear as you start this process. I hope and pray that your wife joins you in fixing the relationship. Blessings.